And music reached perfection in recollection

For so it seems in days gone by

Those were the days when beautiful songs cast a spell

And something seemed to say all is well

No longer tall, no longer high

So sweet the story that is to tell

In golden days gone by

{Music room.}

Dame Hilda: Well, Evadne, you can close the piano lid for a fortnight, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, dear, a pity we can't take the piano on holiday with us really.

Dame Hilda:  I'm afraid the expanded suitcase won't expand that far.

Dr. Hinge: I never like leaving it, you know, it always looks so woe-be-gone when we depart.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, it's not like a baby, dear, you can't hire a piano sitter, it'll have to stay here and sulk.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, you have no soul, to me, my piano is a dear friend.

Dame Hilda:  It doesn't bring you a cup of tea in the morning, though, does it?

Dr. Hinge:  You know very well what I mean, music is an important part of my life, what would you say if you had to leave your voice behind?

Dame Hilda: I couldn't very well say anything.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, look, I think we'd better get ready.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I think we have everything organised, let's see, Travel tickets, yes. Passports, itinerary. French francs, German marks, Austrian schillings and traveller's cheques, newspapers, magazines, travel sickness tablets for the bus, seasickness tablets for the hovercraft and two lots of knitting.

Dr. Hinge: Why not check what we're leaving behind, it'll be quicker​?

Dame Hilda: I think you're being just a teeny-weeny bit silly now, dear.

Dr. Hinge:  Well, really, Hilda, we're taking quite a lot with us, it's a wonder to me you didn't pack the hot water bottles.

Dame Hilda: I did, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, I imagine it's very cold in Austria, all that snow.

Dr. Hinge: The snow is on the mountaintops, Hilda, our hotel is in a warm, sunny valley.

Dame Hilda: Now, I've read about those hotel annexes, Evadne, they can be miles away.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, I despair.

Dame Hilda: I know, dear, and you do it so well, and so often. Well, I think we can say we're ready. Maud should be here soon.

Dr. Hinge: It's just like Maud to be late.

Dame Hilda: Nonsense, dear, Tom's bringing her on his motorcycle combination, Tom will see that she's on time.

Dr. Hinge: I've no doubt, he'll be glad to see the last of her for a fortnight.

Dame Hilda: That's not very nice, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: I can never appreciate why we have to take Maud with us.

Dame Hilda: Because, I asked her, dear, the fact that I was joking after that second sherry and that I didn't think that she would take it seriously has nothing to do with it, it was my kindness of heart.

Dr. Hinge: Did I hear something?

Dame Hilda:  Well, I hope so, dear, I talking, Evadne,

Dr. Hinge: No, no, no, I think I heard the sound of an engine.

Dame Hilda: It's probably Maud, I don't mean that she sounds like an engine, oh, I don't know though, sometimes, no, it'll be Tom's bike, dear, look out of the window, will you?

Dr. Hinge: Why don't you look out of the window, you're standing in front of it?

Dame Hilda:  Oh, you are a testy girl today, aren't you? Naughty, Evadne. Well, all right, dear, yes, it is Maud, look, all her luggage in the sidecar, and she's just dismounting from the pillion.

Dr. Hinge:  Whatever is she wearing?

Dame Hilda: She obviously believes in carrying the flag for Britain, dear, red hat, white jumper, and blue skirt.

Dr. Hinge: She wore that outfit for the Queen's Jubilee.

Dame Hilda: Well, that was only two years ago, dear.

Dr. Hinge: I was thinking of Queen Victoria.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, you can be so wicked, now, I don't want you and Maud squabbling as soon as you meet, promise me you'll try and be nice to her.

Dr. Hinge: Well, you're asking a lot, but I'll try.

Dame Hilda: In here Maud. Ah, there you are!

Maud: Mornin' Dame 'ilda. Mornin' Doctor.

Dr. Hinge: Good morning, Maud.

Dame Hilda: There isn't that nice, Maud.

Maud: Pardon?

Dame Hilda: The Doctor said good morning.

Maud: I know, Dame 'ilda. I 'eard 'er.

Dame Hilda:  Well, there you are then.

Dr. Hinge: Who said conversation is dead?

Maud: Well, it weren't me, Doctor.

Dame Hilda:  Of course it wasn't, Maud, I forget who it was now, but I know it was somebody, somebody very well known, and the name's on the tip of my tongue.

Maud: My Arthur says that conversation kills television.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well it might have been him, then,  I wish I'd never said anything.

Maud: If yer don't mind my saying, Doctor, you look a bit peaky this mornin’.

Dr. Hinge: You, don't look too good yourself.

Dame Hilda: Well, nobody mentioned it, but I feel fine this morning, do sit down, Maud, Taxi will be here soon.

Maud:  Oh, thank you, Dame 'ilda. You don't mind if I do me 'air, do you? Only riding on that pillion makes it flop all over me face.

Dr. Hinge: I was just thinking how it suited you.

Dame Hilda:  I like your outfit, Maud. it's, um... well, it's interesting.

Maud: I made it meself.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, I can tell.

Maud: It's sort of patriotic like, to show them foreigners where I come from.

Dame Hilda: Exactly what the Doctor said,

Dr. Hinge: I didn't.

Dame Hilda: It must have been me, then, then, oh, anyway, Maud, when we do get on the continent, the Doctor and I will have to take turns in waving you about.

Maud: I'm not gonna be waved about.

Dame Hilda: It was a joke, dear.

Maud: Well, I don't understand them kinda jokes.

Dame Hilda: I know, Maud, yes, if you did, you wouldn't have been going with us.

Dr. Hinge: Naughty Hilda.

Maud: What are you two muttering about?

Dame Hilda: We two were... oh, we were not muttering, we're saving our voices to sing the national anthem when we're walking with you down the autobahn, or whatever it is they call the streets in Germany.

Dr. Hinge: The autobahn is not a street, dear, it's a motorway, and you can't walk down it.

Maud: Well, Dame 'ilda wasn't to know, was she? We can't all be Doctors.

Dr. Hinge: Now, look here, Maud.

Dame Hilda: You appear to have a great deal of luggage, Maud.

Maud:  I know, Dame 'ilda, but yer can't be too careful, can yer? I don't know what it's going to be like, do I? I even packed me 'ot water bottle.

Dame Hilda: Did you really, whatever for?

Maud: Well, you'd think it's very cold in Austria, all that snow.

Dame Hilda: Really, Maud, the snow is on the mountain tops, dear, our hotel is in a warm, sunny valley.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda!

{Hovercraft.}

Dame Hilda:  I must say, Evadne, this is very comfortable.

Dr. Hinge: A very smooth crossings so far, Hilda, it's very fast, thirty five minutes from Dover to Calais.

Maud: I don't like it, Dame 'ilda.

Dame Hilda: You have nothing to worry about, Maud, the hovercraft is said to be the safest form of travel.

Maud: I'd rather be on Tom's motorbike.

Dame Hilda: Wouldn't we all, dear? I mean, there's nothing I'd like better than to be crossing the Channel on Tom's motorbike, but you see, Maud, you see, fate and the travel company decided we should cross by hovercraft.

Maud:  Well, I know 'ow Tom's bike works this thing is foreign to me.

Dame Hilda: Oh, it's not foreign, Maud, it's a British invention designed by Sir Christopher...
Christopher, um...Wren.

Dr. Hinge: Cockerell!

Dame Hilda:  Pardon, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Sir Christopher Cockerell.

Dame Hilda: Oh, thank you, dear, just testing. As I was saying, Maud, there's nothing complicated about the hovercraft, simplicity itself, the idea is that... well, um... and it moves so smoothly as well,
because then it's... and that's true, isn't it, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Perfectly, dear, yes, you see, the secret is this, Maud, it works on a vacuum, essentially.

Dame Hilda: And that's more or less what I was getting at, Maud.

Maud:  Vacuum? I wouldn't like to be doing the back bedroom wi' this thing.

Dr. Hinge: Not a vacuum cleaner, Maud, you see, the craft rests on a cushion of air.

Maud:  My Arthur once 'ad to sit on an air cushion, it was, um... after that accident 'e 'ad with the rabbit trap.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, Maud, well, the craft rests on a cushion of air that enables it to move smoothly and quickly over the water.

Dame Hilda: There you are, Maud, and that confirms exactly what I told you, if you want to know anything else about it, just ask me.

Maud: Dame ‘'ilda?

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear. Yes, Maud?

Maud: If this hovercraft goes on air and water, which tablet should I have taken, the air sick or the sea sick?

Dame Hilda: Yes, err....I think Maud's got a point there, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge:  Then I suggest she asks the stewardess.

Dame Hilda: Well, I hardly think that's wise, dear, she doesn't look too well herself.

Dr. Hinge: You wouldn't either if you'd spent most of the crossing selling duty free goods, the poor girl's exhausted.

Dame Hilda: Well, I must say, though, that bottle of wine she sold us was quite cheap, incidently, Maud, you didn't buy anything.

Maud: No, and I ain't goin' to, looks a bit fishy to me.

Dr. Hinge: Fishy, what do you mean, Maud?

Maud: Duty free indeed, a likely story, I'll bet it fell off the back of a lorry.

Dame Hilda: Well, you may be right, Maud, but, of course, you don't see a lot of ocean going lorries these days, I mean, after all, you never hear people singing, ♬I saw three lorries a sailing in♬ Ha, ha, ha!.

Maud: You can make fun, Dame ilda, but I don't want to spend my 'oliday in prison.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, don't be silly, Maud.

Maud: Silly, am I? I've read about what goes on in them Italian jails.

Dame Hilda: Really Maud, what goes on?

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, we're not going anywhere near Italy.

Dame Hilda: I know that, dear, but I'd still like to know. do tell me.

Maud: Well, Dame 'ilda, them prison warders, them Italian prison warders, they pinches yer.

Dame Hilda: Pinch, you mean kidnap?

Maud: No, Dame 'ilda. I mean they pinches yer, you know, pinches, pinches yer on your person.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I see what you mean, Maud, well, I shouldn't worry, dear, as Evadne says, we're not going anywhere near Italy. Evadne, are you sure we're not going anywhere near Italy?

Dr. Hinge: I think we can draw this conversation to a close, Hilda, you may not have noticed, but we are slowing down, we must be nearing the French coast

Maud: And them Frenchymen ain't much better.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, drop it, Maud!

Maud: I was just sayin'...

Dr. Hinge: Never mind, Maud.

Maud:  Only passin' an opinion.

Dame Hilda: Well, pass my handbag, Maud, there's a dear.

Maud: Always getting at me, she is.

Dr. Hinge: All right, Maud.

Maud: Can't open me mouth now.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I'm sure you can, Maud, if you try.

Maud: Some people don't like competition.

Dr. Hinge: Really, Maud?

Maud:  Doctors!

Dame Hilda: Oh, I think we've stopped.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I wish she would.

Dame Hilda: Now, Evadne, we're all a little tired, it's been a long day, our bus will be waiting for us, everybody's moving along now, come along, we're moving along now.

{Bus.}

Malcolm: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, good evening.

Dr. Hinge: Good evening.

Malcolm: Oh, dear, was it something I said, don't you like me? I'm only joking, only joking, you can do better than that now, then. Good evening.

All: Good evening.

Malcolm: That's better, now, are you all sitting comfortably?

All: Yes.

Malcolm: Good, good. Now, each seat has been allocated to the person concerned and will remain so for the rest of the tour, this arrangement stops all the complaints like someone's pinched me seat.

Maud: I was right about them Italians.

Dame Hilda: Quiet, Maud.

Malcolm: Now, as soon as we've loaded all your luggage in the boot, the coach will start on a two hour journey to Middelkerke in Belgium, well, it was in Belgium last time we were there. Only joking, only joking.

Dame Hilda: That's all we need, then, a comical courier, Evadne.

Malcolm: There we will go to a hotel for an evening meal and an overnight stay, and, by the way, my name's Malcolm, I'm your courier for the tour, and if you have any problems, don't come to me. Only joking, I really am only joking. Now, I'm here to help you in every possible way, so don't forget, come to Malcolm.

Dr. Hinge: Isn't he nice?

Dame Hilda: Yes, if you like that sort of thing.

Maud: Well, I'm glad 'e ain't a foreigner, because when we was coming ashore, all I 'eard was foreigners.

Dame Hilda: Now that we're over here, Maud, we are the foreigners.

Maud:  I ain't a foreigner, I'm English, and English ain't foreign.

Malcolm: Right, ladies and gentlemen, we're ready for off. Will you take your seat, please, madam?

Dame Hilda:  I think he means you, Maud.

Maud: Where's me seat?

Malcolm: Ah, now, you must be the odd one.

Dr. Hinge: Decidedly!

Malcolm: Only joking, only joking, ha ha ha!, no need to be on your own, now, you come and sit next to Malcolm, my love.

Maud: Dame 'ilda, I 'ave to sit next to 'im.

Dame Hilda:  Well, that's all right, dear, we're just behind you.

Maud: I know but 'e’s looking at me a bit funny.

Dame Hilda: Well, he probably thinks you're right for the white slave traffic.

Maud: Ooh, Dame ilda!

Dr. Hinge: Oh, for goodness sake, sit down and don't be childish.

Maud: All right, but it's under protest, I ain't talking to 'im.

Malcolm: Well, ladies and gentlemen, during the course of this journey, I shall be pointing out various landmarks, and incidentally, if you wish to see Blackpool Tower, it's no good looking out of the left hand window, it's on the right hand side, ha ha ha! only joking, only joking. Now then, we shall arrive at your hotel in about two hours' time.

{Later.}

Dame Hilda: Well, Evadne, I must say, Middelkerke seems such a pleasant little town.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, I don't know how you can tell, it was so dark when we're arrived, isn't it?

Dame Hilda: Oh, but I'm sensitive to atmosphere, oh yes, and this hotel, this hotel has atmosphere,
I can feel it, it reeks of history.

Dr. Hinge: Built last year, dear.

Dame Hilda: Well, a lot can happen in 12 months.

Dr. Hinge: And there's one thing I'm thankful for, Hilda? It's quiet and peaceful.

Mabel: Hello there, hello, you two, nice to meet you, Mabel Plowright!

Dame Hilda: You were saying, dear?

Mabel: Been looking around for someone to pal up with, as it were, spotted you on the coach and thought to myself, our sort of people.

Dame Hilda: Oh, are we really?

Mabel:  Yes, yes, you can always tell, Henry said as soon as he saw you, our type of people.

Dr. Hinge:  Henry?

Mabel: Yes. Henry, over here, Henry.

Henry: Coming, here I am, Mabsy.

Mabel: Henry, I'd like you to meet those people.

Henry: Oh, hello, I'm Henry.

Dame Hilda: Ah, yes, how do you do? Hilda.

Dr, Hinge: And Evadne.

Mabel: Oh, what lovely names, lovely names, lovely names, good, solid country names, there aren't many Hilda's about these days.

Dame Hilda: No, and there's even fewer Evadne's.

Mabel:  I knew an Evadne once, dreadful woman, used to play piano in a bar.

Dame Hilda: Well, each to his own.

Mabel: I was saying to Hen this morning, I call him Hen, for short.

Henry: Hen, for short, yes.

Mabel: Hen, I said, I think we should introduce ourselves to those two charming ladies, and here we are.

Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, indeed you are.

Dr. Hinge: Well, it's been very nice to meet you, but...

Mabel: Well, that's what we thought, I mean, it seems silly, seeing we're going to spend the next 12 days in each other's pockets, and not knowing each other.

Dame Hilda: 12 days, oh, is it as long as that.

Mabel: Is this your first visit to this part of the world?

Dr. Hinge: Actually, it is.

Mabel:  Oh, we come here every year, don't we, Hen?

Henry: Every year, Mabsy, and I do this trip, yes.

Mabel: It's not our main holiday, you understand, we have a caravan.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I see, in a circus, are you?

Mabel: Oh, very funny, ha, ha, ha! Oh, I do love someone with a sense of humour.

Dame Hilda: Then we must introduce her to Maud, then, dear.

Mabel: Hen, Hen, take a photograph of Hilda, Evadne and myself, smiling at each other.

Henry: Oh, yes, dear, smile!

Mabel: Lastly, give me your address, Hilda, and I'll send you one on.

Dame Hilda:  Well, there's no point, Mabel, we're thinking of moving.

Mabel: Oh, how interesting, where are you moving to?

Dame Hilda: Well, it depends, really, where do you live?

Mabel: Chelsea.

Dame Hilda: Oh, it'll be a long way from Chelsea.

Mabel: And then we have the caravan down at Torquay

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, you're getting farther away than ever, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Anyway, we might bump into you again during the week.

Mabel: Oh, you're sure to, yes, now that we've found you, we won't let you go.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, actually, Hilda and I were going to go to the lounge and have a cup of coffee.

Mabel: Oh, what a splendid idea, Henry, go and get four coffees, here's the money, bring me the change.

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, really, really, you mustn't.

Mabel: Nonsense, Henry doesn't mind fetching the coffee.

Dame Hilda: I wonder if she threw a stick, would he go and fetch that?

Mabel:  As soon as he comes back, he can take a photograph of us drinking it.

Dr. Hinge: Lovely.

Mabel:  Quite a nice crowd of people travelling with us, don't you think?

Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, with, of course, one or two exceptions.

Mabel:  I know what you mean, I saw that funny little woman trying to scrape up an acquaintance with you on the coach.

Dame Hilda: Which woman was that Mabel?

Mabel: The funny little woman in the hideous outfit.

Dame Hilda: Ah, the Union Jack on legs.

Mabel: Yes, that's her, not one of us at all, she looked rather common.

Dr. Hinge: She is rather common.

Dame Hilda: Evadne!

Mabel: I thought so, she lowers the tone of the whole tour, you always find obnoxious types latching onto people who don't want them.

Dame Hilda: Happens all the time, dear, yes.

Mabel: Well, at least you managed to get rid of her.

Dr. Hinge: Not for long, she's just come into the lounge.

Mabel: Ignore her, she might go away.

Dame Hilda: Yoo-hoo, Maud, we're over here, dear, Mabel wants to meet you.

Maud: Oh, I've been looking fer you, there's no 'ot water for me bottle, Dame 'ilda.

Mabel:  Did you say Dame Hilda?

Maud: Of course I did, that's 'er name, and that's the Doctor.

Dame Hilda: And this is Maud, Mabel, a dear friend of ours.

Mabel: Oh, oh, really? Well, any friend of a Doctor and a Dame is a friend of mine.

Dame Hilda: I thought she would be.

Maud: 'as she latched onto yer, then?

Mabel:  Hen! Hen! Take another picture, Hen, we're travelling with nobility.

Dr. Hinge: Not quite nobility, Mrs Plowright.

Dame Hilda: Don't spoil her evening, dear.

Mabel: Oh, this is wonderful now, you ladies must join my table tonight, our courier, Malcolm, has organised an informal entertainment.

Maud: Bingo, is it?

Mabel: Music, I'm helping with the entertainment, I'm a singer, you know.

Dame Hilda: Are you really?

Mabel:  Contralto.

Dame Hilda:  Well, you would be, yes.

Mabel: Amateur, of course.

Dame Hilda:  Of course.

Mabel: Well, it's a date, then, won't take no for an answer, nine o'clock in the dining room, come along, Hen, if I'm to be in good voice, I must run up and down the scales.

Dame Hilda:  Yes, I wish she'd run up and down the mountain.

{Dining Room.}

Mabel: There's no place like home

Dame Hilda: What a lovely evening. Well done, Mabel Plowright, and I think you will agree, ladies and gentlemen, after hearing that version of Home Sweet Home, you realise just how much you miss it. Now, then, I must say that Dr Evadne and myself were so surprised when dear Malcolm asked us to run this little entertainment for you.

Dr. Hinge:  You volunteered, dear.

Dame Hilda: I'll never know how he discovered we were professional performers, but these things do all get around somehow. I would like to say, though, it's been a happy start to our sur la continent, or for those of you who don't speak French, on the continent, and I'm sure we all look forward to each other's company

Mabel: Here, here!

Dame Hilda: On the long, long drive tomorrow. So, for the final contribution to this evening, I would like to sing a song for you that I sang many years ago when I first entered show business. A little lovely song called The Brown Bird Singing.

All through the night there's a little brown bird singing

Singing in the hush of the darkness and the dew

Singing in the hush of the darkness and the dew

Oh, that his song through the stillness could go awinging

Could go awinging to you, to you

All through the night while my lonely heart is singing

Sweeter songs of love than the brown bird ever knew

Sweeter songs of love than the brown bird ever knew

Oh, that the song of my heart could go awinging

Could go awinging to you, to you

All through the night by my lonely heart is singing

Sweeter songs of love than the brown bird ever knew

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor