Dr. Hinge: Morning, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Hello, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: You're out in the garden early this morning.

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear, I thought I'd prune the roses.

Dr. Hinge: To do that sitting in a deck chair you must have extremely long arms.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I'll get round to them in a minute.

Dr. Hinge: I thought perhaps you were waiting for them to come to you.

Dame Hilda: Yes. Well, I am just deciding which ones to prune first.

Dr. Hinge: Does it matter which ones you prune first?

Dame Hilda: Of course it matters, there are different techniques for floribunda and hybrid teas, you know.

Dr. Hinge: We haven't any floribunda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well really, what I meant was, shall I start first on the red ones or the yellows?

Dr. Hinge: What you really meant was, if you sat there long enough, Evadne would come out and do it.

Dame Hilda: Oh, bless you, dear, thank you so much, here we are, you'll need the secateurs.

Dr. Hinge: And what are you going to do?

Dame Hilda: Well, I'm not going to sit here doing nothing, dear. Ah, you see, I've got this lovely book on roses, so if you're not sure what you're doing, I'll find the page for you.

Dr. Hinge:  Are you sure that won't be too strenuous for you?

Dame Hilda: Oh, I don't think so, dear, it's not a heavy book, by the way, I brought the shears out so you can trim the privet.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, really?

Dame Hilda: You're a little testy this morning, Evadne, I've noticed this, you know, you're always like that when your mother decides to visit us.

Dr. Hinge: Maybe you're right, Hilda, my mother does affect me like that.

Dame Hilda: Well, I think, Maureen, your mother is rather charming.

Dr. Hinge: She doesn't treat you like a child.

Dame Hilda: Ha, ha, ha! Last time she came she insisted on your wearing a woolly vest.

Dr. Hinge: And I do wish she wouldn't call me Mona.

Dame Hilda: Well, you were christened Evadne Mona, and the way you're behaving this morning, I think Mona is very appropriate.

Dr. Hinge: That was uncalled for, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: I know, dear, and I'm sorry, and will you be mowing the lawn before you trim the privet or after?

Dr. Hinge: It's your lawn as much as mine, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Yes, but it's not my mother who will be criticising the garden.

Dr. Hinge: She only criticises the garden because she knows I do it.

Dame Hilda: Well, not all of it, dear, I have pulled a weed out.

Dr. Hinge: Well done, Hilda, you must be exhausted.

Dame Hilda: You're at it again, Mona.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, be quiet.

Dame Hilda: Do you think you'll get it all done before she arrives?

Dr. Hinge: Well, I think so, it would help if you go and meet mother at the station.

Dame Hilda: Well, won't it look a bit odd, dear? I mean, if I meet your mother on my own.

Dr. Hinge: Well, all right, then, I'll go and meet mother and you can finish the gardening.

Dame Hilda: On second thoughts it won't look odd at all, I'll go and meet her.

{Railway station.}

Dame Hilda: Yoo-hoo! Maureen, over here! Oh, Maureen, so good to see you.

Maureen: And nice to see you, Hilda, where's Mona?

Dame Hilda: Well, actually, she's very busy.

Maureen: I see, too busy to meet me, her own mother.

Dame Hilda: Well, it's because of you that she's so busy.

Maureen: Oh, and what's the lassie doing?

Dame Hilda: The lassie? Ha, ha, ha! The lassie is tidying up the garden.

Maureen: The last time I came, it looked a mess.

Dame Hilda: The lassie or the garden?

Maureen: Both.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I think you'll find an improvement in the garden, I've been helping her all I can, you know, pruning the roses and that.

Maureen: Oh, I am glad that you're there to look after her, Hilda.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, she's no trouble, usually, well, now, let me take your suitcase, dear, the car's outside. Evadne, um... Mona, she's so looking forward to your visit, you know that you're always welcome...


{Home.}

Dame Hilda: Are you there, Evadne? We've arrived, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Coming, oh, hello, mother.

Maureen:  Hello, Mona, machti me, did you buy that dress at a jumble sale?

Dr. Hinge: I certainly did not.

Maureen: It's the wrong colour for you.

Dr. Hinge: Everything is the wrong colour for me.

Dame Hilda:  Yes, yes, well then, shall we make a pot of tea?

Maureen: And if you're making it, Mona, watch you don't scald yourself.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, mother.

Dame Hilda:  Well, Maureen, would you like to go and freshen up, dear, while we prepare the tea?

Maureen: Aye, fine, I hope you've made some scones, Mona.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, she lost the recipe for the haggis, though.

Maureen: Well, I shan't be long, incidentally, Mona, the garden looks in better shape than it did the last time I came.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you, mother.

Maureen: Hilda told me how much work she's put into it.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda Bracket, all you did was lounge about in a deck chair.

Dame Hilda: But I did give you some good advice, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Well, you must have been talking in your sleep.

Dame Hilda:  Now, now, let's not quarrel, dear, you'll have quite enough trouble with your mother.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, you're right, Hilda. I must keep cool, I mustn't let her upset me.

Dame Hilda:  I don't think she does it deliberately, dear.

Dr. Hinge: She does.

Dame Hilda: There you go again, now, tolerance, tolerance, dear, after all, she is older than you.

Dr. Hinge: Mothers usually are, dear.

Dame Hilda: But I must admit, she doesn't look old enough to have a daughter your age.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you, that has really made my day.

Dame Hilda:  I didn't mean it that way, dear, I meant it as a compliment to her, you know, she's very well preserved.

Dr. Hinge:  It's all the Scotch whiskey she drinks.

Dame Hilda: Now, you know as well as I do, it is purely medicinal.

Dr. Hinge: Well, if that's the case, she must be the healthiest woman in the British Isles.

Dame Hilda: It's simply to keep the cold out, mind you, it would be a lot cheaper if she fitted herself with draft excluders.

Dr. Hinge: Anyway, Hilda, the thing is, how do we entertain her while she's here?

Dame Hilda: Give her a bottle of whiskey.

Dr. Hinge: We'll have to find something to occupy her time, otherwise, she'll make my life a misery. Now, what about taking her to the cattle and agricultural show on Saturday?

Dame Hilda: Well, what category do you suggest we enter her for?

Dr. Hinge: I'm serious, Hilda.

Dame Hilda:  Well, I see...now, look, let's look at the Parish Magazine and see what's on this week, my word, oh I say Evadne, what an exciting program of events. On Monday, it's the W.I. Mrs. Flathers is giving a talk entitled Taking Care of Hamsters.

Dr. Hinge:  I don't think that's quite mother, dear.

Dame Hilda: I think you're right, I can't really see Maureen with her cheeks full of nuts on a treadmill.

Dr. Hinge:  On second thoughts, it might be a good idea. Oh, what's this, Hilda? Tuesday, the Girl Guides are having a campfire jamboree in the Vicarage Garden.

Dame Hilda: Wonderful, two and a half hours of dyb-dyb-dyb and two dozen burnt sausages.

Dr. Hinge: Now, Wednesday, the Young Farmers are visiting a brewery.

Dame Hilda: Ah, now that sounds more up her street, the brewery, I mean, not the Young Farmers.

Dr. Hinge: What about Thursday? Oh, in the Church Hall, there's the Anti-natal clinic.

Dame Hilda: I don't think there's time for her to qualify, dear. And that leaves choir practice on Friday and the Men's Society Old-Time Disco on Saturday.

Dr. Hinge:  How can you possibly have an old-time disco?

Dame Hilda: Well, they probably rock around their walking sticks. Ah, Maureen, we were just discussing how to entertain you during your visit, dear.

Maureen: Half a dozen bottles will do fine.

Dame Hilda: Yes or will you settle for half a dozen Young Farmers?

Maureen: What do you mean?

Dame Hilda: Oh, it's just one of my little quips, dear.

Maureen: Well, I've decided where I'm going tomorrow.

Dr. Hinge: Back home, I hope.

Maureen: In fact, I've decided where we're all going, we're going to the races.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, are we? Oh, tally-ho, they're off.

Dr. Hinge: Actually, I've never been to a race meeting.

Dame Hilda: No, but you've seen it on television, you know that nice man who raised his hat to us, John Rickshaw?

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, yes, I rather liked him, do you think he'll be there?

Dame Hilda: Well, you never know.

Maureen:  I'm sure you'll find it very enjoyable, Mona.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I think it'll be a better bet than the ante-natal clinic.

Maureen: Ah, it's a wonderful atmosphere, the crowds, the characters, the bookmakers, the tipsters, the tic-tac men.

Dame Hilda:  The saloon bars, yes, and I suppose there is a chance we might even see the odd horse.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, I suppose it will be an experience, as long as we're not tempted to have a bet.

Maureen: What are you talking about, Mona? That's all part of the fun.

Dame Hilda: Of course it is, Mona, oops, sorry, dear, you can't go to the races without having a flutter, you have to speculate to accumulate. I, for one, will certainly be speculating, I might even go as far as 10p.

Maureen:  Hilda, there are six races.

Dame Hilda: Well, I might raise it to 12p, then.

Maureen: I believe the minimum is 50p on the tote.

Dame Hilda:  Well, we won't back the tote, we'll pick another horse instead.

Maureen: Well, that's settled. Now, do you realise I've been in the house nearly 10 minutes and you haven't sung for me yet?

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, we'll soon put that right, Maureen.

Maureen: And how's Mona's piano playing coming along?

Dame Hilda: She's doing very nicely, she's using her left hand now as well, only joking, Mona.

Dr. Hinge:  If you call me Mona once more I'll use more than my left hand.

Dame Hilda:  I'm sorry, Evadne, sorry, sorry.

Dr. Hinge:  Anyway, I don't feel like playing.

Dame Hilda: Now, don't be temperamental, it's for your mother.

Dr. Hinge: That's why I don't feel like playing.

Dame Hilda: Oh, come along, don't be childish, dear.

Maureen: She was just like this when she was a wee girl, ask her to play for visitors and she'd have tantrums.

Dr. Hinge: Anything for a quiet life.

Dame Hilda: Splendid.

Gay are the lights

And passionate the strings

That play till dawn

But I'm forlorn

No sound of merriment drowns the song

Made by sad memories ringing all day long

{Race track.}

Dame Hilda: Evadne, where's your mother?

Dr. Hinge: I thought she was with you, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Well, she was but she went looking for you.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I've been looking for her.

Dame Hilda: Well, I told her you were looking for me.

Dr. Hinge: No, Hilda I was looking for mother.

Dame Hilda: Oh, and did you find her, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, can we start again?

Dame Hilda:  Oh there she is, look, coming out of the bar.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, that's unusual.

Dame Hilda: Where's she going?

Dr. Hinge: Back in I should think.

Dame Hilda:  No, no, she's heading over there, probably going to put a bet on.

Dr. Hinge: Are you having a gamble on the first race, dear?

Dame Hilda:  Oh, I think I might, yes.

Dr. Hinge: I wish we could get some inside information.

Dame Hilda: Well, as it happens, I've been talking to a charming lady whose brother knows someone whose cousin's eldest son cleans out the stables for a very famous trainer.

Dr. Hinge: And what did she say?

Dame Hilda:  She says he's very happy.

Dr. Hinge: And what has that got to do with inside information?

Dame Hilda: Nothing at all, I was just talking to her, she was very pleasant.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I mean, didn't she give you a tip?

Dame Hilda: Yes, she said keep off the meat pies.

Dr. Hinge:  No, no, the horses, horses.

Dame Hilda: That's probably what she was getting at, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Now, what do you fancy for the first race?

Dame Hilda: Well, I'm torn between the turquoise hoops and the orange polka dots.

Dr. Hinge: There are no such horses.

Dame Hilda:  No, dear, the jockey's colours, very pretty, the orange, I've got just the hat to go with it.

Maureen: There you are, Mona. I've been searching all over for you.

Dr. Hinge: Well, you wouldn't find me in the bar, Mother.

Maureen:  When I went in the bar, it wasn't you I was looking for. Anyway, have you made your choice for the first race?

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I fancy Toffee Apple.

Maureen: No chance.

Dame Hilda:  Thank you for your confidence.

Maureen: What about you, Mona?

Dr. Hinge: Rabbit's Tail.

Maureen:  Even less chance, last time it ran, it fell over.

Dr. Hinge: Maybe it was pushed, mother, anyway I'm not changing my mind.

Maureen: Well, it's your money you're wasting, I've already picked the winner, Mr. Punch.

Dame Hilda: Have you really? Do the other horses know about it?

Dr. Hinge:  I'll place our wager, Hilda, with that rather florid bookmaker over there.

Dame Hilda: Very well, dear, well, I must say, Maureen, I've really enjoyed myself.

Maureen: Yes, it's strange, Hilda. I thought you'd be against gambling somehow.

Dame Hilda: Oh, not in moderation, dear, it's only a bit of fun, after all, life's a gamble. Oh, and look at that strange jockey over there, he's wearing a bowler hat.

Maureen:  That's the chief steward, dear.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I see. I wonder if he'll bring us a sandwich and a cup of tea.

Maureen:  Now, don't be silly, Hilda. Ah, here's Mona, now, then, Mona, did you get a good price?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, ten to one for my horse and two to one for Hilda's.

Dame Hilda: Oh, you looked after yourself, didn't you, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Very nice man, he called me ducks.

Dame Hilda:  Probably the way you walk, dear, you know, I'll never be able to follow the race, they all look alike to me.

Maureen: Well, I've got binoculars, leave it to me, I'm very experienced. Ah, just one more to enter the stalls and then they should be off.

Dame Hilda: I was thinking, Maureen, how do those jockey fellow-me-lads, how do they know when to open the door all at the same time?

Dr. Hinge: They open automatically, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Well, of course, I knew that Evadne, I just wanted to make sure.

Dr. Hinge: Really, Hilda.

Maureen: You're quite right, Hilda, the doors open as soon as the starter gives the signal.

Dame Hilda:  One to be ready, two to be steady, three to be off.

Maureen:  It's not exactly like that, Hilda, the starter's assistant raises a white flag.

Dame Hilda:  I always thought that was a token of surrender.

Dr. Hinge: I give up.

Dame Hilda: Well, in that case, Evadne, you'd better wave a white flag.

Dr. Hinge:  That horse seems rather reluctant to go into the stalls.

Dame Hilda: Perhaps he would prefer to go into the circle. I couldn't resist that one, you know, dear.

Dr. Hinge: You should have tried harder, dear.

Maureen: That animal's certainly playing up, now, which one is it? Look at the race card, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Number six. Yes, number six, ah yes Miss Doolittle.

Maureen: Miss Doolittle, I read somewhere that she's in foal.

Dame Hilda: Miss Doolittle?

Dr. Hinge: Don't say anything you'll be sorry for, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: All I was going to say was, no wonder she doesn't want to bother about racing, I mean, shouldn't she be lying down or something with her feet up?

Maureen: Och, she'll be all right, they're covering her head with one of those hood things.

Dr. Hinge: Why do they do that, Mother?

Maureen:  So that she can't see what's happening.

Dame Hilda: Seems to be the story of her life.

Maureen: Oh, there she goes, she's safely in, they'll be off any minute now, white flag is up, they're off.

Dame Hilda: Isn't it exciting?

Maureen: Miss Doolittle's been left behind.

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear, another unmarried mother.

Dr. Hinge:  Where's my horse, Mother?

Dame Hilda: And mine?

Maureen: Difficult to see, they're bunched at the moment, they've gone about a furlong, oh, there's one getting into the lead.

Dr. Hinge: Which one is it?

Maureen: Toffee Apple,  I think.

Dame Hilda: Oh, that's mine, mine's winning.

Maureen: Mr Punch is second, that's a good position, that's mine.

Dr. Hinge: Where's Rabbit's Tail?

Maureen: Let me see, Rabbit's Tail, it's right at the back in the rear.

Dame Hilda:  Living up to its name, dear.

Maureen: They're about halfway now, Toffee Apple's still in the lead.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well done, Toffee Apple, come on, Toffee Apple.

Maureen: Mr. Punch is making a forward move, he's neck and neck with Toffee Apple, come on, Mr. Punch.

Dame Hilda: Go back, Mr. Punch, go back at once, and come on, Toffee Apple.

Dr. Hinge: Quiet, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: What's the good of being quiet? He won't hear me.

Maureen: They're in the last two furlongs now, oh, my goodness.

Dr. Hinge: What's wrong, mother?

Maureen: I've never seen anything like it, Toffee Apple's swerved across the course, did a U-turn, and is galloping back to the start.

Dame Hilda: I knew I should have backed it each way, oh Toffee Apple, why, why​?

Dr. Hinge: Perhaps he's gone to keep Miss Doolittle company.

Dame Hilda: Stupid stallion.

Maureen: They're inside the final furlong and Mr. Punch is leading, come on me beauty.

Dr. Hinge: What about Rabbits Tail?

Dame Hilda: Probably still wagging, dear.

Maureen: Whats this, what's this?

Dr. Hinge: What's what mother?

Maureen: Rabbits Tail, what a burst of speed, oh, it's coming up on the outside, it's nearly level with Mr. Punch.

Dr. Hinge: Come on Rabbits Tail.

Dame Hilda: Be quiet Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: What's the good of being quiet? He won't hear me.

Maureen: Rabbits Tails gone to the front, he's done it, Rabbits Tail by a head.

Dame Hilda: He must be a contortionist

Dr. Hinge: How much have I won?

Maureen: Well, you had 50p on at ten to one, so you've won five pounds.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, lovely, fancy that, isn't that nice, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, of course, you know I don't approve of gambling.

Maureen: Well, I'll go and collect your winnings, Mona, and see that it's correct.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you, Mother.

Maureen: See you later.

Dame Hilda: Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, dear.

Dame Hilda: Can we, um, move somewhere else?

Dr. Hinge:  Why, Hilda, we have a perfect view of the course from here.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I know, but there's, um, there's a strange gentleman who keeps waving at me.

Dr. Hinge: Waving at you, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, don't look so surprised, dear, it has been known. Look, look, there he is, you see, that chappy over there, scratching his nose and pulling his ear.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, Hilda, he's waving at the bookmakers, he's one of those, um…. Kit Kat men.

Dame Hilda: Is he? Well, I'm not too happy about some of his gestures.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, well, we'll move if you wish, I say, let's see if we can get a cup of tea.

Dame Hilda: Oh, that's an excellent suggestion, now, where is it?

{Tea tent.}

Dame Hilda: Oh, what a crowd, everyone seems to have had the same idea.

Dr. Hinge:  Well, shall I force my way through to the tea counter, or will you?

Dame Hilda: You, dear, you're good at that sort of thing, as you've got sharper elbows. Oh, and remember, Evadne, I prefer China tea, dear, not too strong, with a hint of sugar and just a touch of fresh milk.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, this isn't a gourmet restaurant, you'll be lucky to get it wet and warm.

Dame Hilda: Well, do your best, dear, but I'd rather not have one of those cardboard cups, dear, drinking tea out of those is like taking medicine.

Dr. Hinge: If I do manage to reach the counter, Hilda, would you like something to eat? I could ask the chef to do you a lobster thermidor.

Dame Hilda: Now you're being silly again, you know very well that lobsters are out of season, I'll settle for a sausage roll.

Dr. Hinge:  Righto, excuse me, please, excuse me, make way, please.

Dame Hilda: You're not doing very well, dear, use your elbows.

Dr. Hinge:  I'll use you, Hilda Bracket, if you're not careful, make way, please, pardon, thank you...

{Later.}

Dr. Hinge: Here we are, Hilda, and I'm sorry I bothered, It was like being in a rugby scrum.

Dame Hilda: Well, I've never been in one, so I wouldn't know.

Dr. Hinge: And I expect the tea is cold by now.

Dame Hilda: No, dear, no, no, not cold, no, it's still a few degrees above freezing.

Dr. Hinge: At least he didn't have any cardboard cups.

Dame Hilda: No, dear. I think they used them all to make these sausage rolls.

{Home.}

Maureen: Ah, well, what a day, what a day, it won't be long before I'm off to my bed, but before I do, you'll sing me a song, I hope.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I think we might, I'll just finish this cup of tea, you know, I always say you can't beat a cup of tea you've made yourself.

Dr. Hinge: I made it, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: That's what I meant, dear, and although I enjoyed our day at the races, oh, it's lovely to be at home.

Dr. Hinge:  I agree, dear, I'm quite exhausted.

Maureen: You should be ashamed of yourself, Mona, a young girl like you being tired.

Dame Hilda: Yes, perhaps I should have hired a carry cot.

Maureen: Poor Mona, she couldn't keep up with us, Hilda, and we're getting a bit long in the tooth.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I think I could have phrased that better, dear.

Maureen: Well, according to my reckoning, I won £3, Mona won £11, and you, Hilda, lost £5, so between us, we made a profit of £9.

Dame Hilda: Oh, good, are we having the share out now, then?

Dr. Hinge: Really, Hilda, that's a bit much.

Dame Hilda: Well, after all, I did shout for your horses when mine lost.

Dr. Hinge: Which was quite often, dear.

Dame Hilda: Now you're just being cruel.

Maureen: Now, not to worry. I have a great idea for tomorrow.

Dame Hilda:  Not gambling, I hope, nothing to do with horses, Maureen?

Maureen: Not in the slightest, I thought we might go to the dogs.

Dame Hilda: Evadne?

Come and have a gamble

But look at the price

Just once or twice

Before you join the scramble

Wait until your chicks are hatched

Before you count them up

There's many a slip between the tip

Of the horse that wins the cup

I've tried every sort of kind of sport,

But racing is quite the best.

Just give me a horse

That romps the course

And you can have all the rest.

A jolly good thing,

A sporting thing,

A tip on the straight you see

So give us a run

Of ten to one to win it

One, two, three


Bet, your fancy, bet, your fancy

Come and have a gamble

But look at the price

Once or twice

Before you join the scramble

Wait until your chicks are hatched

Before you count them up

There's many a slip between the tip