Dame Hilda: What a lovely day for sitting out on the lawn.

Dr. Hinge: It would be if I could sort out this wretched deck chair.

Maud: Oh, let me fix that deck chair for yer, Doctor.

Dr. Hinge: Don’t bother Maud I can manage.

Dame Hilda: She's only trying to help, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Ooooh!

Maud: Sorry, Doctor, the propper upper flopped over suddenly.

Dr. Hinge: Will you leave it alone, Maud?

Maud: No, I won't let it beat me.

Dr. Hinge:  I wish someone would.

Maud: If I ‘ad a brick ‘andy, I'd prop it up one side.

Dr. Hinge: If I had a brick handy, I'd...

Dame Hilda: Evadne, patience, dear, patience.

Maud: Now, wait a bit, if I put this end through there and wedge it against that, it should be OK. Now, there we are, I knew I could do it, perfect. Now, do you think you could manage without me for the rest o’ the day?

Dame Hilda:  Oh, I think we'll survive, dear.

Maud: Oh, good, because I'm off ‘ome to rub Arthur's chest.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, his leg is no better, then.

Maud: Well, you see, the trouble's travelled up to ‘is chest.

Dame Hilda:  That must be frightfully difficult for the cartilage.

Maud: So I'd better go, well, ta-ra, see you tomorrow, then.

Dame Hilda: Bye, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Thank goodness she's gone, peace at last.

Dame Hilda: I agree with you. Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, dear?

Dame Hilda: I was just thinking that Sunday is the best day of the week.

Dr. Hinge:  Yes, dear.

Dame Hilda: Yes, you know, if I were asked which day of the week was best, I'd definitely plump for Sunday.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, dear.

Dame Hilda:  It's so peaceful, you know, especially relaxing in the garden.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, dear.

Dame Hilda: I mean, what could be pleasanter than sitting in the garden, listening to the bumblebees buzzing and the birds chirping.

Dr. Hinge: And Hilda Bracket chuntering!

Dame Hilda: And Hilda Bracket…

Dr. Hinge: Look, Hilda, why don't you go and do some gardening?

Dame Hilda: Oh, I couldn't do that, I mean, you do it so much better than I do.

Dr. Hinge: Well, how do you know? You've never offered to help.

Dame Hilda: Besides, Sunday is a day of rest.

Dr. Hinge:  As far as you and gardening are concerned, so is Monday to Saturday.

Dame Hilda: This is the one day when everything should stop.

Dr. Hinge:  I couldn't agree more.

Dame Hilda:  You know, it's so tranquil.

{Lorry pulls up.}

Dr. Hinge: You were saying, dear?

Dame Hilda: That's strange, we hardly ever have lorries passing here, it’s not passing, it's stopping.

Dr. Hinge: Even stranger, we haven't ordered anything, have we?

Dame Hilda: No. Oh, at least of all, two hitchhikers, look, they've just got off the back.

Dr. Hinge: Where?

Dame Hilda: There, look, look.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, oh, dear, they do look rather scruffy, young men, don't they?

Dame Hilda:  Well, it's that uniform they all wear, I mean, those patched up jeans and flapping shirts.

Dr. Hinge: You know, dear, you would think young men these days would take more care of their appearance.

Dame Hilda: Well, especially as one of them‘s a girl.

Dr. Hinge: I don't like it, I don't like it at all, they're standing outside the gate.

Dame Hilda: Don't worry, they'll soon be off on their travels, look, they've only adjusted their knapsacks on their backs, and they're coming through the gate, Evadne!

Dr. Hinge: Tell them to go away, dear, say, we'll set the dog on them.

Dame Hilda:  But we haven't got a dog, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Well, bark or something.

Dame Hilda: Oh, now, you're just being silly, Evadne.

Barbara: Hi, hi there!

Dame Hilda: Oh, hello, dear!

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, don't encourage them.

Barbara: I hope you don't mind us barging in like this.

Dame Hilda: Not at all, you're very welcome.

Dr. Hinge: We do not want to buy anything, and we've nothing to give away, so you're wasting your time coming here.

Dame Hilda: Yes, you're very welcome.

Barbara: I'm sorry if I put you out.

Dr. Hinge:  No, you've got it wrong, we're putting you out.

Dame Hilda: You're American, aren't you, dear?

Barbara: That's right.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I thought so, I could tell, you know, because, you see, during the war, we did our bit entertaining the G.I.s.

Barbara: I'm sure they appreciated it.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, we had no complaints.

Dr. Hinge: Hmm?

Dame Hilda:  No, none at all.

Barbara:  Yeah, well, maybe we should go, I don't think your friend has taken kindly to us.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, it's just Evadne’s suspicious nature, dear, I'm sure she can see now that you're not a vagabond, you see.

Dr. Hinge: Well, perhaps I did speak rather hastily, but you must admit your sloppy attire does invite suspicion.

Dame Hilda: You see, dear, she thought that you were one of those hoppies.

Dr. Hinge: Hippies!

Dame Hilda: Of course, silly me, I wonder what made me say hoppies.

Dr. Hinge: Perhaps you had a frog in your throat.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, ah, very good Evadne, dear, I liked that, I wish I'd thought of that, yes.

Dr. Hinge: Anyway, I'm curious about your companion, young lady.

Barbara:  Barbara.

Dame Hilda: Unusual name for a gentleman.

Barbara: No, that's my name, his name's Frank.

Dr. Hinge:  Yes, well, I'm wondering why he's still hovering close to the garden gate.

Barbara: Well, it's like this, there's a lot of ferocious dogs about, so he sends me on ahead to see if it's all clear.

Dr. Hinge: I see, and so if you're not ripped to pieces, he knows it's all right.

Dame Hilda: Typical American.

Barbara: He's English.

Dame Hilda: Sensible young man.

Barbara: He knows it's okay because I can handle animals. It's a gift, I guess, I just tell them to be quiet and immediately they shut up.

Dr. Hinge:  Does it work with humans?

Dame Hilda: Well, we must meet your friend. Yoo-hoo! young fellow me lad, You can come over, we won't bite, I can't even bark.

Barbara: We're roaming around these parts on a sort of working vacation.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, how adventurous.

Dame Hilda: Ah, here you are, now, Frank, I believe, isn’t it, and Barbara, we would like to introduce ourselves, I am Dame Hilda Bracket.

Barbara:  Hey, did you say Dame Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear.

Barbara:  Gee, are you royalty?

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, dear, no, no, no, not quite, no, you won't have to curtsy, and this is my lifelong companion and oldest friend, Dr. Hinge.

Frank: Pleased to meet you, yes, definitely.

Barbara: Likewise.

Dame Hilda: Now we know each other, to what do we owe this visit?

Barbara: Well, we're living rough, you see.

Dr. Hinge:  Yes, I can see.

Frank: Yes, and we hope you can recommend somewhere where we can pitch our tent for a few days.

Dame Hilda: Certainly, well, I suggest you ask at... did you say our tent?

Frank: Oh, yes, definitely.

Dame Hilda: Just the one tent between two?

Barbara: Yes, It's kind of small, but, you know, cosy.

Dame Hilda: Yes, of course, well, although you may think I'm a trifle old-fashioned, dear, but I cannot approve of such behaviour.

Barbara: What behaviour?

Dame Hilda: Well, morally speaking, that is, that you and... err,

Barbara: Frank.

Dame Hilda: Yes, Frank, yes, yes, you should be well, you know err... sharing a tent.

Barbara: Why not? He's my husband.

Dr. Hinge: Evil to her who evil thinks.

Frank: Let's move on, Barbie, I don't think we're wanted, no, definitely.

Dame Hilda: Of course you are, now, whatever made you think that?

Dr. Hinge: I wonder​?

Dame Hilda: It's just that I thought you two were, um... well, look, you must join us for afternoon tea.

Barbara:  Frank's teaching me to say that.

Dame Hilda: Say what, dear?

Barbara: Afternoon tea.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, very good, dear, oh, you see, you see, Evadne, our American cousins can speak properly when they want to.

Frank: It's kind of you to invite us, definitely.

Dame Hilda: He is a definite young man, isn't he? Definitely. Look, um...we'll have our tea out here on the lawn, Evadne was just about to make it.

Dr. Hinge: I thought I might be, I'll fetch the travelling rug to sit on.

Barbara:  You know, I just love your English gardens.

Dame Hilda: Yes, of course, I do most of ours myself. Ha, ha, ha!

{Music room. }

Dr. Hinge: Pity about the sudden shower, Barbara, spoiling our afternoon tea on the lawn.

Barbara: Oh, I'm enjoying it even more indoors. your house is terrific, isn't it, Frank?

Frank: Yes, lots of character.

Dame Hilda:  Definitely.

Barbara: Everywhere you look, there's antiques.

Dame Hilda: Yes, you weren't looking at me when you said that, were you?

Barbara: Oh, I didn't mean...

Dame Hilda: No, no, no, I know you didn't, English humour, you see, hasn't reached the colonies yet.

Dr. Hinge: I must say, this music room is our favourite retreat.

Dame Hilda: And the piano is our pride and joy, Frank, come along, Evadne, play something to entertain our young visitors.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, they may not wish to be entertained.

Dame Hilda: Yes, you're quite right, dear, yes, so I wouldn't play the piano if I were you.

Dr. Hinge: I said, may not, it's up to them, Hilda.

Barbara: We'd love to hear you play.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you.

Dame Hilda: She was going to anyway.

Dr. Hinge: Well, Barbara, I'm afraid that most of our music is from another era to yours,

Dame Hilda: Nothing out of the pop charts, you see, dear, of course, you probably, I suppose, being young, prefer to listen to groups like Hot Cocoa.

Dr. Hinge: Chocolate, dear, Hot Chocolate.

Dame Hilda: Is it? Oh, yes, good, yes, well, I knew it was something that you could slop into a saucer.

Dr. Hinge:  However, Barbara, there is something you may like, and I'm sure Dame Hilda will join me in this rather attractive piece from a rather modern work.

Dame Hilda:  Well, which one's that, dear?

Dr. Hinge: I thought we might do the one from The King and I.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, yes, it's a lovely, it's American, too, so of course you'll like this. I'll have to join you on the piano, dear, because I don't know it too well, I don't think.

When I think of Tom

I think about a night

When the earth smelled of summer,

and the sky was streaked with white

And the soft mist of England

Was sleeping on a hill

I remember this

And I always will

There are new lovers now

On the same silent hill

Looking on the same blue sea

And I know Tom and I

Are a part of them all

And they're all a part of Tom and me

Frank: That was just marvellous.

Barbara: Yeah, you could almost be professionals.

Dame Hilda: We are professionals, semi-retired, you see.

Barbara: Well, we're lucky the truck dropped us off outside here, what with the music and the afternoon tea.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I noticed you were really tucking in.

Barbara: Believe me, I'm enjoying these cucumber sandwiches.

Dame Hilda:  I could tell, that's seven she's eaten.

Dr. Hinge: Do tell us a bit more about this holiday of yours.

Barbara:  Yeah, well, it's like this. I'm searching for my roots.

Dame Hilda: Well, where did you leave them, dear?

Barbara: Hey, more English humour.

Dr. Hinge:  Very nearly.

Frank: I have a few days off college, so we thought it would be fun to trace Barbara's family tree.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, what a splendid idea.

Barbara: My father back home is thrilled about it.

Frank: We started at Somerset House.

Barbara: That's in London.

Dame Hilda: Really? Yes, because you'd really expected to be in Somerset, wouldn't you?

Frank: From there, the trail led to Chigley-on-Sea, then on to Stackton Parva, where we traced it back to another ancestor, Richard Driffield.

Barbara: He wasn't a duke or anything.

Dame Hilda: No, well, because I believe a lot of people weren't, dear, you see, I mean, otherwise, they wouldn't have had anyone to cook the venison, you know, turn the spit.

Frank:  As a matter of fact, he was a blacksmith.

Barbara: But you never know, he may have descended from nobility, wouldn't that be something?

Frank: It's very doubtful, Barbie, anyway, Richard Driffield's father originally came from Stackton Tressel, so we hope to look over the church records.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I'm sure the vicar will be most cooperative.

Dame Hilda: Yes, Donald Smollett is a very good friend of ours. I'm sure he'll let you root around for your roots, dear, I'll give him a ring anyway.

Dr. Hinge: Sunday is his busy day, dear.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, yes, so it is, yes, he does his home brewing today, Evadne? Never mind, we'll try tomorrow.

Frank: Meanwhile, we'd better move on and find somewhere to pitch our tent.

Dr. Hinge: You'll be very welcome to stay here, you know.

Dame Hilda: Won't the tent pegs ruin the carpet, dear? Ha, ha, ha! I couldn't resist, dear, Evadne could have done, but I couldn't. No, I agree, you must stay with us here.

Barbara: That's what I call hospitality.

Dame Hilda: Well, after all, you are married to an Englishman...

{Next day.}

Maud: Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: What is it, Maud?

Maud: There's a woman wanderin’ about upstairs, and she's naked.

Dame Hilda:  Did you say naked?

Maud: Oh, I suspect she's naked under ‘er dressin’ gown.

Dame Hilda:  Yes, it's just a thought, Maud, but you're probably naked under your clothes.

Maud:  Ooooh! Arthur wouldn't allow it.

Dame Hilda: Now, look, dear, I told you we had American guests staying with us.

Maud:  Yes, but you didn't say they were natterists.

Dr. Hinge: Good morning, dear. did you sleep well?

Maud: Yes, thank you, Doctor.

Dr. Hinge: I was talking to Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I slept like a top, Evadne, here we are, I’ve poured you a cup of tea, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you, dear.

Maud: They're not gangsters, are they?

Dr. Hinge: Who, Maud?

Maud: Them upstairs, she looks like a gangster's Moll, do you know she's chewin’ gum?

Dame Hilda:  Ah, yes, obviously the Mafia, then.

Maud: And she said, ‘i there, you've gotta be Maud, in a Yankee Doodley sort o’ voice, now, ‘ow did she know I was Maud?

Dr. Hinge: Well, we told her about you last night.

Maud:  What were you sayin’ about me?

Dr. Hinge: Well, I think I remarked that you were incorrigible.

Maud: Ah, that was very nice of you.

Dame Hilda: Would you like a cup of tea, Maude?

Maud: No, not just yet, I'll go and tidy the bedrooms first.

Dame Hilda: Just as you like, dear, and if you run into Bonnie and Clyde, tell them breakfast is ready, will you?

Maud: Bonnie and Clyde? You never told me there were four of ‘em.

Dame Hilda: Poor Maud, she's a little confused this morning.

Dr. Hinge:  Why pick on this morning in particular?

Dame Hilda: Don't be waspish, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Sorry, dear, now, today's programme, I've rung Donald Smollett, and he has told me that in the church crypt are some very ancient records.

Dame Hilda:  Well, good, we'll take along our ancient gramophone with us.

Dr. Hinge:  Now, you're being facetious, dear, now, you do want to help our American friends, don't you?

Dame Hilda: Of course, I do.

Dr. Hinge: Well, Donald has given us permission to search through the records in the crypt.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, good, well, we could make a start after breakfast. Now, I was thinking of giving our guests fresh orange juice, pancakes with syrup, hot dogs and beans, ice cream and black coffee.

Dr. Hinge: You're not giving them that, are you?

Dame Hilda: No, I'm not, no, I was only thinking about it, they're going to get boiled eggs like you and I.

{Church crypt.}

Dame Hilda: Thank you, Donald, yes, yes, we can manage, I'll return the key to the vicarage, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Ooh, it's so cold down here.

Dame Hilda: Well, crypts usually are, dear.

Maud:  Should I shut the door, then?

Dame Hilda: Thank you, Maud.

{Crash.}

Dame Hilda: Is that better, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Not really, dear, no, it's the atmosphere more than anything that makes me all shivery.

Dame Hilda:  You're not frightened, are you, dear? I mean, it's only a cellar.

Dr. Hinge: It's a crypt, Hilda, a crypt!

Dame Hilda: Well, that's what a crypt is, a religious cellar.

Maud: Is that the old chest we want over there?

Dame Hilda:  Yes, that must be the one Donald mentioned, now, come on, let's open the lid and start searching.

Dr. Hinge:  I'm sorry I didn't go with Barbara and Frank.

Dame Hilda: You said the last thing you wanted to do, Evadne, was crawl on your hands and knees through the churchyard examining tombstones.

Dr. Hinge: I hadn't been down here then.

Maud: This lid's too ‘eavy for me, Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda:  Oh, I'm sorry, dear, yes, all right, let's try it together, isn't this exciting?

 Oh, yes.

{Creak!}

Maud: Ooh! Look! Look!

Dr. Hinge:  What is it?

Maud: Just look at the size o’ that spider.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Maud don’t! You know I hate creepy crawlies.

Maud:  It's a whopper, that is.

Dame Hilda: Please, Maud!

Maud: Do you think it's one o’ them deadly tarantillers?

Dame Hilda: No, Maud, dear, we don't have tarantulas in England.

Maud: But they come over in banana boats.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I don't think that one has sailed through here recently.

Dr. Hinge: Get rid of it, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, very well, let's see… shooo! Go on, off you go, now, go on, off you go, little spider, don't annoy the Doctor, that's it, away you go.

Maud:  If it's foreign, it won't understand yer. Dame ‘ilda!

Dr. Hinge: I'm going out in the fresh air, I can't stay here another minute.

Dame Hilda: Well, just as you wish, dear.

{Rattle!}

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, the door's locked, we're locked in.

Dame Hilda: We can't be, dear, it won't lock from the inside.

Maud:  I could ‘ave jammed it when I shut it, let me try.

{Rattle!}

Maud: Oh, Lor, the ‘andles broke off.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, you stupid woman, now, we're really in trouble.

Dame Hilda: Now, there's no need to panic.

Maud: I've heard of people getting entombed like this.

Dame Hilda: Look, we could try breaking the door down?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, let's use Maud as a battering ram.

Dame Hilda:  I'll tell you what we could do, we could try a message to that spider's leg and put it through the door.

Dr. Hinge: Be sensible, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Right, well, the best thing we can do is bang on the door until someone hears us. All right, well, all together then, go. Help!

Dr. Hinge: Open this door!

All: Help!

{Home.}

Dame Hilda: Here we are, Evadne, have this drop of sherry. it'll make you feel a lot better.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you, Hilda.

Barbara: It was lucky we heard you knocking.

Dr. Hinge: I couldn't have stood another moment in that crypt, especially with Maud babbling on about man eating spiders.

Dame Hilda:  Well, we're safe and sound and back home now, dear.

Barbara: All that trouble for nothing.

Dame Hilda: Yes. Well, pity we didn't discover anything in the records.

Frank: We drew a blank in the churchyard as well. Definitely.

Dame Hilda: Well, I'm afraid, Barbara, you've come to a dead end.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, don't say things like that.

{Phone rings.}

Dame Hilda: I'll go, dear, I'll go. Hello! Stackton 295?...Oh, hello, Donald... what's that, dear?... Oh, are you sure?... I see, yes, well, thank you for taking such an interest, dear,  yes…. so am I, bless you. bye-bye, Donald, bye-bye, dear. That was the vicar, Barbara, apparently, he remembered some old books stowed away in the attic of the vicarage.

Barbara: Yeah?

Dame Hilda:  And err... he's traced Richard Driffield's family.

Barbara: Hey, that's fantastic!

Dame Hilda: And maybe disappointing.

Barbara:  Oh, they weren't dukes, were they?

Dame Hilda:  No, dear, no, Richard Driffield's father wasn't a duke.

Barbara:  An earl, perhaps?

Dame Hilda: No, no, no, but you're getting closer, a little.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, for goodness sake, tell us, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I'm afraid, Barbara, your last known ancestor was err… a swineherd.

Barbara: A swineherd? Hey, that's cute.

Dr. Hinge: You don't mind?

Barbara: Of course not, my father will be tickled pink, you see, he's a pork butcher in a supermarket.

Dame Hilda: I was wrong, you see, humour has reached the colonies after all.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda​?

Dame Hilda: I'm sorry, dear, the bottle's empty.

Dr. Hinge: No, not the sherry, dear. I've had a thought about Wednesday night's concert, why don't we invite Barbara and Frank to stay over for it?

Dame Hilda: Splendid idea!

Barbara: We'd be delighted.

Frank: Oh, we would, definitely.

Dame Hilda: Well, I say, why don't we give them a preview now? Come on, let's go to the piano, Evadne, come on, dear.

Barbara:  You know, staying here has been the best part of our holiday, hasn't it, Frank?

All: Definitely!

Dame Hilda: Oh, I think you'll like this, you know, because it's one of your American musicals again.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, lovely, yes, yes.

Dame Hilda: All right, then, after three. Three!

Gazing down on the jungfrau

From our secret chalet for two

Let us drink leibchen mein

In the moonlight benign

To the joy of our dream come true

Wunderbar, wunderbar

What a perfect night for love

Here I am, here you are

Why it’s truly wunderbar

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor