Daily Rehearsals. One of the rules that Dame Hilda and the Doctor have tried to observe over the years is to set aside one hour every morning for rehearsal. So if you should be visiting the village of Stackton Tressel, and in the close proximity of their lovely house, and the time is around 10.30am, you're more than likely to hear their music drifting across the breeze. And this morning is no exception.
My Father was Hungarian My mother came from Spain I've several aunts In the south of France And a grandmama Maternal grandmama In the Ukraine She went to far poor grandmama For it's cold in the old Ukraine My uncle is Bavarian I'm quite a pet of his So if I'm not A polyglot I should like to know who is They call me Countess Mitzi, But I can't imagine why For my name is really Ludovika Anastasie, Frederika, Isabel Rosa, Mariposa, Nikinikolay We can perfectly well see why That to alter it people try Just a teensy-weensy bitsie Than a string names like Ludovika Anastasie, Frederika, Isabel Rosa, Mariposa, Nikinikolay They call me Countess Mitzi, But I can't imagine why For my name is really Ludovika Anastasie, Frederika, Isabel Rosa, Mariposa, Nikinikolay We can perfectly well see why That to alter it people try For they'd rather have Countess Mitzi Just a teensy-weensy bitsie Than a string names like Ludovika Anastasie, Frederika, Isabel Rosa, Mariposa, Nikinikolay My grandpapa on my mother's side Was far more east than west He spent his life With a Chinese wife In a mental home, half oriental home In Bukarest My grandma on the other side Was Russian to the core She danced in Kiev But came to grief In a brawl in Singapore Ah, what a blow To sink so low As a brawl in Singapore We can perfectly well see why That to alter it people try For they'd rather have Countess Mitzi Just a teensy-weensy bitsie Than a string names like Ludovika Anastasie, Frederika, Isabel Rosa, Mariposa, Nikinikolay We can perfectly well see why That to alter it people try For they'd rather have Countess Mitzi Just a teensy-weensy bitsie Than a string names like Ludovika Anastasie, Frederika, Isabel Rosa, Mariposa, Nikinikolay
Dr. Hinge: That was lovely, Hilda. Dame Hilda: Yes, dear, I enjoyed that, you played quite nicely. Dame Hilda: Did you enjoy it, Milton? Did you enjoy mummy singing, darling? Yes, and there is a pretty boy, you like to hear your mummy sing, don't you, Milton? Look at him, Evadne, he's swinging on his little swing. Dr. Hinge: Mm-hmm. It should be the end of a rope. Dr. Hinge: Just look at the stupid woman, red hat, green coat, and orange slippers, she's like a walking jumble sale, dear. Dame Hilda: Oh, she's all right, dear, her heart is in the right place. And she's such a willing worker. Dr. Hinge: A pity everything she touches falls to pieces. The last time she came, she pulled the knob off the front door. Dame Hilda: Yes, but it was loose, dear. Anyway, Tom fixed it for us. Dame Hilda: You're not being fair, Evadne, I bet you anything she's brought you a lovely present from Clacton. {Door slams.} Dame Hilda: Come in, Maud, we're in here. Hello, dear. Dame Hilda: Oh, dear. Dame Hilda: Oh, that's lovely, thank you, dear. Maud: Oh, I've 'ad a terrible journey, Dame 'ilda, Tom took the seat out of 'is sidecar, you see. Maud: Well, 'e 'ad to pick up a load o’stuff for a job 'e's doing and I've 'ad to sit on a gallon o’paint. Dame Hilda: Oh, turn round, dear, oh, yes, so you have, very nice shade of turquoise that. Maud: Oh lor, I knew that top 'ad come loose. Maud: Doctor's very quiet this morning. Maud: I noticed, that's why I said you're very quiet. Anyhow, I've got your shopping for you, Dame 'ilda, it's in me carrier bag. Dame Hilda: Oh, well, let's have a look, Maud, oh, dear, squashed tomatoes. Maud: Yes, I'm sorry about that. I trod on 'em in the sidecar. Dr. Hinge: Yes, and you seem to have trod on the cartons of yoghurt as well. Maud: No, no, I trapped them in the door. Anyway, I've picked up your dress from the cleaners, Dame 'ilda. Dame Hilda: Oh, good, where is it, dear? Dr. Hinge: Where else, dear? Dr. Hinge: All the time. Dr. Hinge: Yes, it'll make someone a nice breakfast. Dame Hilda: Anyway, dear, did you have a nice holiday? Dame Hilda: But you don't seem to have much of a tan. Maud: Well, you know me, I don't like the sun, it gets me skin all irritated. Dr. Hinge: I know the feeling. Dr. Hinge: That is very considerate of you, Maud. Maud: Except Thursday. Maud: Well, it rained. Dame Hilda: Oh, dear. Dame Hilda: Yes, it's understandable. Dr. Hinge: Oh, and how is Vidal Sassoon? Dame Hilda: Evadne, don't be naughty. Dame Hilda: Oh, Maud, you shouldn't have. Dr. Hinge: Surprise, surprise. Maud: I got the Doctor a big stick o' rock. Maud: Oh, dear. Dr. Hinge: Yes, tomato and yoghurt flavour. Thank you, Maud, but you know I don't have a sweet tooth. Maud: Oh, well. I'll take them 'ome for meself, then. Well, I expect jobs 'ave been piling up while I've been away, I'll go into the kitchen and get cracking. Dame Hilda: Rather an unfortunate phrase, Maud. Maud: That's mine. Dr. Hinge: Let me see. Oh, Hilda, my provisional driving licence. Maud: You're not going to learn to drive, are you, Doctor? I 'ave thought you'd 'ave been too old. Dame Hilda: Now, don't get upset, dear. You know Maud always judges a persons age by their appearance. Dame Hilda: I didn't mean that you look old, dear. It's just that the way you look… Maud, shouldn't you be getting on with something, dear? Dame Hilda: I'm delighted that you want to learn, dear, I mean, goodness knows I've been trying to persuade you for years. Dr. Hinge: You know, this licence is full of information. Did you know I could drive an agricultural tractor? Dame Hilda: Oh, well, we'll get one tomorrow, shall we? We can tour Scotland in it next year, that should flatten it down a bit. Dr. Hinge: Now, first thing, I must get in touch with a good driving instructor. Dr. Hinge: I said I must get a good instructor. Dame Hilda: You're looking at one, dear. Dame Hilda: Don't be silly, Evadne, when do we ever argue? Apart from when we have the odd difference of opinion. Now, look, I am experienced and I'm on the spot and I can give you your first lesson now. Dame Hilda: And it is a beautiful day. Dr. Hinge: Well, all right, Hilda, I'll give you a chance, now, let's get the car out. Dame Hilda: Oh, but you don't have your first lesson in the car, dear. We're going to have a run-through just with the settee. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I have a provisional licence to drive a car, not a settee. Dame Hilda: Yes, but everybody starts this way. Dame Hilda: Now, you're just being silly, dear, if you were in the Air Force and you wanted to fly Concorde, they wouldn't say to you, get in, press the button and off you go, they'd put you in a simulator. Dr. Hinge: If I was in the Air Force, Hilda, they'd put me on a pension. Dame Hilda: So our settee for the purposes of this exercise is the car. Dame Hilda: We had a 10,000 mile service last week. Now, come on, Evadne, into the driving seat, let's have you in. Now, let's look in the shopping bag, yes, now these tins of soup will do. Dr. Hinge: We're going for a picnic, are we? Dame Hilda: I'm going to place them on the floor. Now, the minestrone, that's your accelerator, the royal game in wine is the brake and the cream of tomato, double thickness, I think, for the clutch. Dr. Hinge: I don't like cream of tomato. Dr. Hinge: Of course I do. Dame Hilda: Right then. Dame Hilda: I'm in two minds, dear. This is the gear lever. Now, let's get it clear in your mind what you're going to do. You're going to start the engine, depress the cream of tomato, put the toasting fork into first gear, and slowly put your foot on the minestrone. Dr. Hinge: Good, good, good, right, then what? Dame Hilda: Now, you then pull away from the bookcase and you come to a stop over there by the French windows. Dr. Hinge: Oh, here goes then. Broom, broom, broom! Dr. Hinge: I'm revving up, of course. Dame Hilda: But you haven't checked in your mirror. Dame Hilda: There is a motorcycle coming up from behind the standard lamp. Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, so there is, silly me, I couldn't see it for that articulated lorry coming around the coffee table. Dame Hilda: If you refuse to take it seriously, Evadne, we're not going to get anywhere. Dame Hilda: Let's try again. That's it, now, cream of tomato in, toasting fork into first, and down on the minestrone, that's perfect. Dr. Hinge: Thank you. Could I ask a question, Hilda? Dr. Hinge: When am I going to use the royal game in wine? That's my favourite. Dr. Hinge: Oh, dear, as fast as that. Dr. Hinge: I run her over, dear. Dame Hilda: You do not run over her at all, Evadne. Dame Hilda: Well, of course you can't, Maud, the doctor's got her foot on it. Dame Hilda: Because I'm teaching her to drive. Maud: Oh, how? Dr. Hinge: We're in a simulator. Maud: Oh, Tom don't like them foreign cars. Maud: Oh, there's no need to bother, Dame 'ilda. I picked up most of the pieces. Dame Hilda: Well, that was a beautiful meal, Maud, wasn't it, dear? Dr. Hinge: Yes, Hilda, whatever it was. Dame Hilda: Now you can leave the dirty dishes, Maud. Dame Hilda: I know, dear, but it is rather expensive. Now, Evadne, what about taking the car out this afternoon just for a trial run? Dame Hilda: Of course, dear, you know, you really impressed me this morning, the way you handled that settee. Maud: If you're going anywhere near the village, can you drop me off? Dr. Hinge: It would be a pleasure. {In the car.} Dame Hilda: Now, you're not nervous, are you, dear? Dr. Hinge: Of course I'm not nervous. Dr. Hinge: You know very well I have never possessed a florid complexion. Dame Hilda: No, dear, no, come to think of it, you don't really look pale at all. Dr. Hinge: I'm so pleased. Dame Hilda: No, you've gone a sort of oatmeal shade instead. Dame Hilda: Good. Dr. Hinge: I have only one worry. Dr. Hinge: There won't be any other cars on the road, will there? Dame Hilda: Oh, not a chance of that, dear. I spread the word in the village that you are having a driving lesson. Ha, ha, ha! Dr. Hinge: Thank you very much.
Dame Hilda: Are you all right in the back, Maud? Maud: Now, don't you worry about me, Dame 'ilda, just pretend I'm not 'ere. Maud: I won't interfere at all. Dame Hilda: Thank you, Maud. Dame Hilda: Yes, Maud. Maud: I won't say a word. Dame Hilda: Of course you have, Maud. Now Evad... Maud: I'll just look out the window. Dr. Hinge: Oh, I say, it's started, the engine's started, Hilda! Dame Hilda: Cream of tomato, the one on the left, dear. That's it, now, lovely, now, gear lever forward into first. Maud: Will you drop me off at Mrs. Jarvis's shop? Dame Hilda: After you have released the handbrake, dear. Dame Hilda: Fortunately for us, yes. Otherwise, we'd be in the kitchen, dear. Stop at the gate, excellent. Maud: Did you know Mrs. Jarvis 'asn't been too well? Dame Hilda: Really, dear? Dame Hilda: Yes, of course, dear. {Later.} Dame Hilda: I must say, dear, you're gradually getting the hang of it. Maud: I wish I'd walked. Dr. Hinge: Don't we all? Dr. Hinge: Very well. Hilda, it's stopped. Dr. Hinge: Well, why has it stopped? Stupid car. Dr. Hinge: I can't have. I haven't learned how to stall a car yet. Dame Hilda: If you must, Maud, yes. Maud: Well, when this 'appens to Tom's motorbike, 'e gives it a push and jumps on. Dame Hilda: Would you like me to take over it, Evadne? Dame Hilda: Very well, dear. Actually, while we're on this side of the road, you may as well practise the three-point turn. Dr. Hinge: What on earth is that? Dame Hilda: Well, I've never been quite sure myself. But all it means is manoeuvring the car so that it faces the other way. Dr. Hinge: I wish you would. Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, my feet are killing me. Dame Hilda: Oh, I know, dear, so are mine, but keep walking. Dr. Hinge: I don't think I can keep going much longer. Dame Hilda: Now, look, dear, it was either walking five miles back to the village or a mile to this public house. We could have accepted a lift from that man on the tractor. Dr. Hinge: Oh, I don't think so, dear, goodness knows what he had in that trailer. Dame Hilda: Ah, there it is, look, at the bottom of this hill. See? Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, looks a bit primitive, dear. Dr. Hinge: You know, I knew something was wrong, directly, all that steam started emanating from the end of the bonnet. Dr. Hinge: I know nothing about cars, dear, you're the expert. Dame Hilda: Well, you were doing so well, dear. I was awfully impressed the way you overtook that removal van. I mean, the road was so narrow, a bicycle couldn't have got through, I don’t know how you did it. Dr. Hinge: Simple, dear, I just closed my eyes. Dame Hilda: Well, here we are, oh, dear, The Jolly Farmer, I don't think this is quite our style, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: Probably spittoons and sawdust. Dr. Hinge: They're all men, dear, and they're looking at us. Dame Hilda: Oh, ignore them, Evadne. Hello, everybody! Dr. Hinge: Hilda! Dame Hilda: Just going to use your telephone. Yes, it's over in the passage here, I think. Dr. Hinge: Well, let's be quick, Hilda. I don't like this at all. Dame Hilda: Yes, all right, dear. Now then, it's Stackton 344, I think. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. Probably the Jolly Farmer himself, dear. Dame Hilda: Hello. Mr. Fozzard... Hello, dear... Dame Hilda here, dear.... Yes, yes. Oh, very well, thank you, dear… Yes, and how's Dorothy? Dr. Hinge: Hilda, get on with it. Dr. Hinge: What's the matter, Hilda? Dame Hilda: Oh, would you, Mr. Fozzard? Oh, I say, that's frightfully kind of you. Well, try and be as quick as you can. Bye-bye, dear. Dame Hilda: He's coming in his car, dear, with a tow rope. He says we're to wait here till he arrives. Dr. Hinge: No, I'm sorry, Hilda. We will wait in this little passage. I refuse to go in there and mix with those uncouth men, and I will not drink beer. Dame Hilda: You don't have to drink beer, dear, you can have a lemonade. Come along, we don't have to talk to them. Just sit quietly in the corner, keep ourselves to ourselves, and have nothing to do with them at all. {Later.}
Applause! Dame Hilda: Thank you, gentlemen, thank you. What a delightful audience you are. Dame Hilda: We won't be long, Mr. Fozzard. Dr. Hinge: He has been here two hours, Hilda. Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes. He's ever so nice, actually.
Take your girl for the peaches in her cheeks For the peaches in her cheeks Take your girl Take your girl for the cherries on her lips For the cherries on her lips. Take your girl. She's the girl with the sunlight in her hair With the sunlight in her hair Take your girl. Take your girl for a honeymoon in June Junes the time of honeymoons Take your girl Johnny was shy, never dared wink an eye At the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. Johnny was proud Never dared say aloud That he loved her and wanted her for queen So at last Johnny flew Crying, what shall I do? To his mother A Dame who wise On that red letter day As she gave him the sweetest of replies Take your girl for the peaches in her cheeks For the peaches in her cheeks Take your girl Take your girl for the cherries on her lips For the cherries on her lips. Take your girl. She's the girl with the sunlight in her hair With the sunlight in her hair Take your girl. Take your girl for a honeymoon in June Junes the time of honeymoons Take your girl Take your girl for the peaches in her cheeks For the peaches in her cheeks Take your girl Take your girl for the cherries on her lips For the cherries on her lips. Take your girl. She's the girl with the sunlight in her hair With the sunlight in her hair Take your girl. Take your girl for a honeymoon in June Junes the time of honeymoons Take your girl Take your girl Take your girl
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
