Desert Island Discs. Today is not a special day in the lives of Dame Hilda and the Doctor, just an ordinary everyday day, but sometimes even the most ordinary of ordinary everyday days can bring its surprises. This is one of those days. Dame Hilda: Good morning, Evadne, lovely morning! Dr. Hinge: It was, dear. Dr. Hinge: It was, until the postman came. Dame Hilda: Oh dear, bad news, is it? Dame Hilda: Yes, well the gas bill always is bad news, but there's no good brooding about it, dear. It will have to be paid. How much is it? Dr. Hinge: Twenty-nine million four hundred thousand pounds. Dame Hilda: Well, make out a cheque, dear, and… what was that? Dr. Hinge: Twenty-nine million four hundred thousand pounds. Dame Hilda: Yes, that's what I thought you said. Dame Hilda: Even worse. Dr. Hinge: It's that silly computer, obviously it's made a mistake. Dame Hilda: Unless we left the oven on all night, dear. Ha, ha, ha! Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I'm very annoyed, this could have come as a severe shock to an elderly person. Dame Hilda: Yes, I can see you're shaken. Dr. Hinge: I am annoyed, not shaken! You know I object to being computerised. Modern technology indeed, a medieval clerk using a quill pen wouldn't have made such a fatuous mistake. Dr. Hinge: I've never heard of a computer making a mistake in reverse and owing the customer twenty-nine million pounds. Dr. Hinge: I've got a good mind to ring them and complain most strongly about that computer. Dame Hilda: Let me see. Oh, I say. Dr. Hinge: What is it, Hilda? Dame Hilda: Well, well, well. Dr. Hinge: Hilda! Dame Hilda: What a surprise. Dame Hilda: What's that, dear? Oh, yes, but isn't it exciting? Dr. Hinge: As I'm not a mind reader, no. Dame Hilda: This letter, it's from the BBC. It's an invitation to appear on Desert Island Discs. Dr. Hinge: Really? Dame Hilda: Yes. Now, I wonder what I can wear, yes, well, of course, this calls for a new dress and blue, I think, yes, I always look my best in blue. Dr. Hinge: I don't think they've got colour radio yet, dear, hardly matters what you wear, the listeners won't see you. Dame Hilda: No, but Mr Plomley will, and we don't want to let him down. He's such a well-dressed gentleman. Dame Hilda: No, but he sounds a well-dressed gentleman. Dr. Hinge: Yes, I grant you that, yes. When is it, Hilda? Dame Hilda: The 24th, dear. Broadcasting House, London. Dame Hilda: Yes, dear? Dr. Hinge: We are both invited, aren't we? Dr. Hinge: Why is the letter addressed only to you? Dame Hilda: Is it, dear? Oh, yes, so it is, yes, well, I expect it's just a simple oversight, dear. Dr. Hinge: It's always happening. I'm constantly being overlooked. Dame Hilda: Oh, you're wrong there, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: It's true. It's always your name and never mine. Dame Hilda: And I said you're wrong, dear, and here's the proof. The gas bill's addressed to you. But don't worry, I can manage the 6p if you can take care of the rest. Oh, look, Evadne, we've got a visitor. Mr Percival's coming up the drive. Dame Hilda: Yes, he should never have played the organ with that huge bandage on his finger, every note was a chord. Dame Hilda: You don't have to tell me, dear, do you know I met her in the shop the other day and it took her three quarters of an hour to tell me she was in a hurry to get home. Dr. Hinge: How poor Leonard puts up with her, I do not know. I'll go and make him a cup of coffee while you let him in. Dame Hilda: Come through, dear. Evadne is making you a cup of coffee, is that all right? Dame Hilda: Yes, the gladioli are a picture, aren't they? Leonard: Oh, Violet is flourishing, so to speak. Her sister Primrose has been residing with us for the past three days. Leonard: Well, I think she's all right. I haven't actually spoken to her yet. Dr. Hinge: Good morning, Leonard. You're looking well. Dame Hilda: You told me you were very well, Leonard. Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes. How is Mrs. Percival? Leonard: Oh, thank you. Leonard: Well, I wasn't too happy myself, I had one of my fingers quite heavily bandaged. Dr. Hinge: Oh, no, not at all. We had a good congregation though, didn't we? Dr. Hinge: Oh, and talking about the choir, I do think we ought to get a new cassock for Douglas, it doesn't come down to his knees. Dame Hilda: Yes, he's such a big boy, and still a soprano. Anyway, Leonard, we have something rather exciting to tell you, haven't we, dear? Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, you tell him, Hilda. Dame Hilda: Well, I'll just give you a quick clue. {♬Dame Hilda sings the tune from Desert Island discs♬} Dame Hilda: No, dear, we are going on Desert Island Discs. Leonard: Oh, I am pleased, I hope you have nice weather. Dame Hilda: It's a radio programme, Leonard. Leonard: Is it? do you know, I don't think we've had our radio on for 20 years. Dr. Hinge: There's too much competition. Leonard: It's such a pity, because I do like Dick Barton. Leonard: Plomley? I was with someone called Plomley during the war. Leonard: No, he couldn't have been that Plomley. The one I knew was a WRAF. Dr. Hinge: Yes, and we can take a book and a luxury object as well. Dame Hilda: You'll have to listen to us when we do it, Leonard. Dr. Hinge: Now, we must get down to choosing our records soon, Hilda, don't want to leave it to the last minute. Dame Hilda: Well, I know one we shall be taking for a start. Dr. Hinge: Oh, certainly, we must take the one we made, that is, if the BBC has facilities for playing 78s. Dame Hilda: Didn't we give you an autographed copy of our record, Leonard? Dr. Hinge: All right, Hilda. Dr. Hinge: Here we are, dear, now, which side are we taking? Dr. Hinge: Oh, very well, leave it to me, I can do it. Dame Hilda: All right, very well, dear. {Radiogram sticks.}
With our melody enthralling, now the woodland echoes ring Hark our pipes of pan are calling with a merry lilt and swing Hear their joyous carolling, flowing, growing, rising, falling Youth and joy must have their fling When the pipes of pan are calling the pipes of pan So, follow, follow, follow The merry merry pipes of pan The magic reed, that charms at need The Heart of maid and man. Ah!____________________ Away, away, they seem to say And catch us if you can The merry, merry pipes of pan Loud they laugh beside the fountain Shrill they mingle with the breeze Sweet, they call across the mountain Soft they whisper through the trees Low they murmur with the bees Blindly where the brook goes brawling Nature's fingers touch the keys, When the pipes of pan are calling Ah!_____________________________________________ the pipes of pan So, follow, follow, follow The merry merry pipes of pan. The magic reed, that charms at need The Heart of maid and man Ah!____________________ Away, away, they seem to say And catch us if you can The merry, merry pipes Merry, merry pipes Ah!________________________ The merry, merry pipes of pan
Leonard: Oh, ladies, that was excellent. Dame Hilda: Yes, but I don't think we can play that side on the programme. Dr. Hinge: Why not, dear? Dame Hilda: Well, we can hardly ask Mr Plomley to give it a kick. Leonard: Well, I shall have to be making tracks, Violet has asked me to call at the shop, she wants some more throat lozenges. Dame Hilda: Does she really? Dr. Hinge: Well, a pound goes nowhere, dear, I've got you the anthems for next Sunday, Leonard. Now, I don't think you'll have any trouble with them they're in seven sharps Dame Hilda: Oh, Leonard will cope with those, you just bandage all your fingers and bang away at the black notes. Leonard: Oh, thank you, Evadne, may I wish you every success on your desert island Dame Hilda: Oh, thank you, Leonard. Leonard: Just one thing before I go, you won't ever mention to Violet that I knew a WRAF, will you? {Later.} Dr. Hinge: No, I'm sorry, Hilda, you cannot take that record to our desert island Dame Hilda: Evadne, my mind is made up I am taking this record. Dr. Hinge: Very well, dear, I suppose we could always serve lunch on it. Dame Hilda: I can't understand you, dear, It's one of your favourites, In the shade of the sheltering palm. Dr. Hinge: That's just it, we shall be sick of the sight of palm trees on a desert island, I'm surprised you don't want to take I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts! Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, what a lovely idea! Dr. Hinge: Oh, don't be ridiculous! How long have we been arguing over those records? Dame Hilda: Three days, dear. Dr. Hinge: And how many have we selected? Dr. Hinge: Precisely, Land of hope and glory and the National anthem. So at the moment we shall be spending all our time on the island standing up. Dame Hilda: Well, there's only one thing for it, plunge your hand into the cupboard and choose one at random. Dr. Hinge: Right, here we are, oh dear. Dame Hilda: What is it? Dr. Hinge: Rescue the perishing! Dame Hilda: Look, dear, let's approach it from a different angle, Why don't we choose records to remind us of our friends? Now, what can we take to remind us of dear Maud? Dame Hilda: That is not fair, dear, the poor woman can't help the way she walks. Dr. Hinge: And I've just thought of one that would remind us of Mr. Percival's organ playing! Dame Hilda: What's that, dear? Dr. Hinge: The lost chord. Dame Hilda: Yes, I hope for everyone's sake he never finds it. Have you thought about a military band? Dr. Hinge: Oh, that's a wonderful idea, I mean, we could march up and down the beach all day long, and then on your birthday we could run one of your woolly vests up the nearest tree, call it trooping the Vest! Dame Hilda: Now, you're just being silly, I thought a military band would make us feel bright and breezy. Dr. Hinge: It will be bright and breezy enough on a desert island without a military band. Dame Hilda: Evadne, you are being deliberately obtuse, I wash my hands of the whole affair, you can choose the records and I shall have no part in it. Dr. Hinge: That's the best suggestion you've made so far. Dame Hilda: It's entirely in your hands. Dame Hilda: We are not taking that! Dr. Hinge: There you are, you see, we're back where we started. Look, Hilda, you choose half the records and I'll choose half, otherwise, at the present rate of progress we'll still be choosing them a week after the programme's gone out. Dame Hilda: Well, don't blame me, dear, it's not my fault if you can't make up your mind. Dr. Hinge: Ooh! {Broadcasting house.}
Dr. Hinge: What did the lady say, dear? Dame Hilda: She said we had to wait here and Mr. Plomley would be down in a couple of minutes Dr. Hinge: Lovely, I must say, now we're actually in Broadcasting House, I'm even more excited. Dame Hilda: I know what you mean, dear, it's the atmosphere. Dr. Hinge: When you think of all the great names who have walked through these portals in order to broadcast to the world. Dame Hilda: Yes, Winston Churchill. Dr. Hinge: Professor Joad. Dame Hilda: Big Bill Campbell! Dr. Hinge: Don't you mean Commander Campbell? Dame Hilda: Yes, of course Commander Campbell and his Rocky Mountain Rhythm. Ooh, I say Evadne, look who's just come in, it's...oh, you know. Dr. Hinge: I’m afraid I don't, dear. Dame Hilda: Yes, you do, he does that programme all about the thing, oh, you must know him. Dr. Hinge: Well, it would help if you could be a bit more specific. Dame Hilda: Well, he's on in the mornings or is it the afternoons? Well, he's on sometime during the day. Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, wait a minute, wait a minute, I do believe I recognise him now. Dame Hilda: No, you don't, dear, no, I've just realised it's not him after all, no, it must be somebody else. Dr. Hinge: That seems a reasonable assumption, dear. Oh, look, Hilda, the gentleman coming out of the lift it's Mr. Plomley. Dame Hilda: No, I don't think so, dear, no, you're wrong, dear Dr. Hinge: Well, he's heading this way. Mr. Plomley: Good afternoon, ladies I'm Roy Plomley. Dame Hilda: Yes, we recognised you straight away, Roy, I'm Dame Hilda, dear, and this is my colleague, Dr. Hinge. Mr. Plomley: How do you do? I'm delighted to meet you. Dr. Hinge: Now, we've got our ten records with us, they're in our shopping bag. Mr. Plomley: Er, yes... well, actually, you only choose eight. Dame Hilda: Yes, we know, Roy, but we are having ten, you see. Mr. Plomley: I'm sorry, Dame Hilda, eight is the maximum. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, we know that but I'm sure you'll be able to sort something out. Now, why don't you make whoever's on next week just have six? Dr. Hinge: No, no, if it's eight, dear, we shall have to get rid of two, two of yours. Mr. Plomley: And you really needn't have brought your own records. The BBC does have a very big library. Dame Hilda: Well, we do, too, of course, how many have we got in that cupboard, dear? Mr. Plomley: Well, the BBC has about a million. Dame Hilda: Yes, well, we have given a lot away to jumble sales. Mr. Plomley: Anyway, we'll go through the records later I'm sure you're ready for a cup of tea after your journey Dr. Hinge: Oh, that would be lovely, we did have a cup of coffee on the train, of course. Dame Hilda: Yes, just the one, we couldn't afford one each, I hadn't brought my chequebook with me, you see. {Recording studio.} Mr. Plomley: Now, are you sure you're both quite comfortable? Dame Hilda: Yes, quite comfortable, thank you. Mr. Plomley: We shall be going on the air very shortly. Dame Hilda: Yes, well, just relax Roy, and enjoy yourself, and if you feel you want to say anything yourself, don't be shy jump in. Dr. Hinge: Er, Hilda, I think Mr Plomley has done this programme before. Mr. Plomley: You could say that, it's been running for 35 years. Dame Hilda: Has it really? We must have been well down the list, dear. Mr. Plomley: Anyway, if you'd like to test your microphone for the producer behind the glass. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, bless him, hello dear, what would you like me to sing? Mr. Plomley: No, just speak into the microphone, anything at all. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, well, er, yes, well, anything in particular? Mr. Plomley: Anything at all. Dame Hilda: Oh, anything at all, yes, well, er, let me think, er, yes, well, there must be something I can say, isn't it strange, I'm not usually stuck for words. Dr. Hinge: You can say that again! Dame Hilda: Yes, well, let me think, ah, yes, Evadne, you say something. Dr. Hinge: The quick brown fox jumps right over the lazy dog! Mr. Plomley: That's excellent! Dr. Hinge: Thank you. Dame Hilda: That's rather silly, dear, if I may say so, that's for testing typewriters. Dr. Hinge: They only want to hear your voice, dear. Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I was trying to say something a bit more BBC-ish. Dr. Hinge: Well, why don't you read the news? Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, all right then, well, how about this? Arsenal 17 for three declared! Mr. Plomley: Thank you, ladies, I think our producer's happy. Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, he's certainly laughing. Mr. Plomley: Good, right then, stand by, we go on the air in ten seconds. Dame Hilda: Oh, dear, ten seconds, so soon, do I look all right, dear? Dr. Hinge: You look fine! Mr. Plomley: Three seconds…. Our castaways this week are two charming ladies whose life has been devoted to music. Dame Hilda: He's jolly good, isn't he, dear? Mr. Plomley: Dame Hilda Bracket and Dr Evadne Hinge. Thank you Ladies, did you have any trouble choosing the eight records to take to your desert island? Dr. Hinge: Oh, if that, dear, yes. Mr. Plomley: Are you excited at the prospect of living on a desert island? Dr. Hinge: Oh, immensely. Dame Hilda: Of course, we have done it before, we did a season once on the Isle of Wight. Dr. Hinge: Hardly a desert island, dear. Dame Hilda: Well, judging from our audiences, it was uninhabited. Mr. Plomley: How do you think you'll spend your time? Mr. Plomley: I'm sorry, Dr Hinge, you won't find a piano on the island. Dame Hilda: Ah, well, that's where we’ve caught you out, Roy, you see, we intend to float to the island on top of the piano, next question? Mr. Plomley: Yes, well, you live in a village called Stackton Tressel? Dame Hilda: Yes, indeed, and if I could take this opportunity of saying hello to Maud, hello dear, can you hear me, Maud? and of course, Milton, who I know will be listening with Maud, hello Milton, who's a pretty boy, then? who's listening to his mummy on the wireless? Mr. Plomley: I think we should move on to your first record. Dr. Hinge: So do I? Dr. Hinge: A piano solo, Litolff’s Scherzo. Mr. Plomley: And why do you choose it? Dame Hilda: I didn't, Evadne did, she's only playing it on the understanding that I'm on the other side of the island at the time, Mr. Plomley: Let's hear Litolff's Scherzo…..{Fades.} {Later.} Now, before we hear record number eight, would you try to escape from your island? Mr. Plomley: I see Milton's your budgerigar? Dame Hilda: Correct, and I'm taking him with me because I believe we are allowed one luxury item Mr. Plomley: Yes, indeed. Dame Hilda: Yes, you see, Roy, I have been listening. Dr. Hinge: Well, if you're taking Milton as your luxury item, dear, I know what I'm taking. Dame Hilda: What's that, dear? Dr. Hinge: A large cat! Dame Hilda: Yes, well, you tie your message to his leg, dear, I shall rely on Milton for mine. Now, whereabouts is this mythical island, Roy? Dame Hilda: I only ask because if it's off Great Yarmouth, we have some very good friends who live in Lowestoft, and they have a boat and Milton knows them ever so well, and he's been there quite a few times, you see. Mr. Plomley: You sound very close to your budgerigar? Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, yes. Dr. Hinge: I'm surprised you didn't bring him with us today? Dame Hilda: Well, I would have done, dear, but I didn't want him to frighten Mr Plomley’s Seagulls. Mr. Plomley: I think I should tell you that your luxury object has to be inanimate. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, well, if I tell him, he'll sit perfectly still, you won't know he's there. Mr. Plomley: I do hope you're right. So, we'll take it that you'll escape one way or another. Tell me about record number eight? Dame Hilda: Well, this one is, of course, one of our own, but I don't want you to think I'm being egotistical about it, the only reason I'm taking it is because the Doctor's performance on the piano is quite beautiful. Mr. Plomley: And why are you taking it, Dr Hinge? Dr. Hinge: The same reason. Mr. Plomley: Well, now, I can't imagine why, but we seem to be overrunning, so I'm afraid we'll have to end the programme on your record. So, thank you, Dame Hilda Bracket and Dr Evadne Hinge, for letting us hear your Desert Island Discs. Dame Hilda: Thank you, Roy, what a nice man. Dr. Hinge: isn't he dear?
Tell me when you've got an hour to spare I'll arrange the time to meet and where I should like to make it very soon Say perhaps tomorrow afternoon We'll compare engagement books and see Just when both of us are free On Monday, I must go shopping On Tuesday, I've calls to pay On Wednesday, I’m asked out to luncheon And on Thursday, I'm booked all day On Friday, I've several appointments That somehow I must get through But I've nothing much to do on Saturday So I’ll meet you at half past two Will I come and meet you all alone Or do you think I'll need a chaperone Chaperones should never be allowed Three is such a very fearful crowd Will you name the place of rendezvous That's the point I leave to you I'll meet you at Hyde Park Corner I'll meet you at Rotten Row We might try the British Museum Well perhaps that's a trifle slow There's always the Tower of London Unless you prefer the zoo Why the animals are fed there on Saturday So I'll meet you at half past two Oh I am looking forward to Saturday So I'll meet you at half past two
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
