If that is so sing derry down derry

It’s evident very

Our tastes are one

Away we’ll go

And merrily marry

Nor tardily tarry

Till day is done

Sing derry down derry

Nor tardily tarry

Till day is done

Dame Hilda:  Now then, did you enjoy that, Jean-Pierre?

Jean-Pierre:  Oh, formidable, Hilda, excellent, sensational!

Dame Hilda: Well, of course, the French always did have good taste.

Jean-Pierre: You sing some more songs, eh?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, we'd love to, of course, Jean-Pierre, but time is pressing.

Dame Hilda: Yes, you see, we have a rather important meeting this evening, dear.

Jean-Pierre: We are meeting who?

Dr. Hinge:  Whom?

Dame Hilda: Yes, that's what he wanted to know, dear. The vicar's coming round, you see, Jean-Pierre. You remember meeting the vicar at the cricket match yesterday?

Jean-Pierre: Ah, oui, oui, oui, Mr. Vicar.

Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, that's right. Well, the three of us form the church social committee and he's the chairman.

Jean-Pierre: Pardon?

Dame Hilda: He takes the chair.

Jean-Pierre: And where does he take the chair?

Dr. Hinge: Patience, dear, patience.

Dame Hilda:  Sorry, Jean-Pierre, the thing is, you will be on your own for an hour or two, you know, on your own, seul?

Jean-Pierre: Ah, oui, oui, seul, oui, oui.

Dame Hilda: I mean, there's really nothing to French, is there, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Not the way you speak it, Hilda.

Jean-Pierre: Oh, I go down to pub house, play double tops, have a pint of bitter.

Dame Hilda: Well done, Jean-Pierre. Another three days here and we'll have him calling the bingo.

Jean-Pierre: Bingo? What is a bingo?

Dame Hilda: Oh, you know, all the twos, quack, quack.

Jean-Pierre:  Quack, quack.

Dame Hilda: What's the French for quack, quack, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Sort of quack, quack with a French accent.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. Did you get that, Jean-Pierre? Je quack. Nous quackons. Vous quackez. Ha, ha, ha!

Maud: Excuse me, Dame ‘ilda, but the vicar's arrived.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, splendid. Would you ask him to come in, Maud?

Maud: Come in ‘ere, Vicar! {Shouts!}

Dame Hilda: I didn't know he was in the cellar, Maud. Ah, hello, Donald.

Donald:  Good evening, Hilda. Good evening, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Hello, Donald.

Dame Hilda: You remember Jean-Pierre from yesterday, don't you, Donald?

Donald: Oh, yes, indeed. Yes, the Spanish gentleman.

Dame Hilda: Err... French.

Donald: Yes, yes, I thought so. But I thought he was returning home today, you know. Madrid or wherever it is.

Dr. Hinge: No, he's staying on for a few more days, Donald.

Donald:  Oh, splendid, yes.

Dame Hilda:  Jean-Pierre is going down to the Goat in spats for a glass of something. Maud, would you like to go with him?

{Door slams!}

Dame Hilda: No, she wouldn't. Right, we'll see you later then, Jean-Pierre, see vous later.

Jean-Pierre: Ah, oui, oui, Hilda. Au revoir. Goodbye, Mr. Vicar.

Donald:  Yes, hasta la vista.

Dame Hilda: Lovely man, Donald.

Donald: Oh, yes, indeed, looks a decent sort of chap, could be English.

Dame Hilda: Or even Chinese, if he was a different colour.

Dr. Hinge: Might I suggest we get on with the meeting, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Ready when you are.

Donald: Right. Well, first of all, I would like to thank you both for turning out on such a shocking night.

Dr. Hinge: That seems a little pointless, if I may say so, Mr. Chairman.

Dame Hilda:  I agree. I mean, as we're holding the meeting in our house, you're the one who's had to turn out.

Donald: Yes, yes. Well then, I would like to thank me for turning out on such a shocking night.

Dame Hilda: Carried unanimously, off we go, Mr. Chairman.

Donald:  Yes, good, right, minutes of the last meeting.

Maud: Are you ready for the tea, Dame ‘ilda?

Dr. Hinge: We haven't started the meeting yet, Maud.

Maud:  Good, because I haven't made it yet.

Dr. Hinge: Well, why did you barge in here and ask us if we were ready for it?

Maud:  Because as soon as you're ready for it, I'll make it! Must be nice to be perfect.

Donald: Ah, yes, minutes of the last meeting.

Dame Hilda: You've upset her now, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: I don't care, Hilda.

Donald: Minutes of the last meeting.

Dame Hilda: I bet she doesn't bring you a biscuit.

Donald:  Minutes... minutes of the last meeting.

Dame Hilda: Or a piece of coconut cake.

Donald: Ladies, can we get on?

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, of course we can, sorry, Donald, and carry on, Mr. Chairman.

Donald: Minutes of the last meeting. Yes, present are Dame Hilda Bracket, Dr. Evadne Hinge and the Chairman. It was proposed by Dr. Evadne Hinge and seconded by Dame Hilda Bracket that our next social event be a grand concert.

Dame Hilda: Now, I'm sorry, Mr. Chairman, but I think I proposed it.

Dr. Hinge: No, dear, I proposed it.

Dame Hilda:  No, no, I'm sorry, Evadne, I proposed it, and you seconded it, didn't you? I can remember it quite clearly, dear. You'll have to change it round, Mr. Chairman.

Donald: Oh, yes, yes, yes, I will. It was proposed by Dame Hilda Bracket and seconded by Dr. Evadne Hinge that...

Dame Hilda:  You know I think you're right, Evadne. I was confusing it with the jubilee concert.

Dr. Hinge:  Thank you.

Dame Hilda: Change it back again, Donald, will you, dear?

Donald: Yes, yes, of course. It was proposed by Dr. Evadne Hinge and seconded by Dame Hilda Bracket that our next social event should be a grand concert. Dr. Hinge said that she would devise the show and report at the next meeting, Dame Hilda said she would produce it. The meeting was then closed.

Dame Hilda: Right, well, come along, dear, do your reporting.

Dr. Hinge:  Thank you. Now, I've done an awful lot of work on this idea.

Dame Hilda: She has, Donald, it's quite right. She's been working on it for hours on end, yes, and she hasn't let me see a word of it, you know.

Dr. Hinge: I have the script here.

Dame Hilda:  Of course, it's terribly exciting for me, you see, because I know now how they must have felt when they unrolled the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Dr. Hinge: Are you insinuating, Hilda, that my jokes will be old?

Dame Hilda:  I didn't think there'd be any jokes in it, dear. I mean, people don't normally laugh at our musical concerts, I mean, apart from the time the piano lid fell on your fingers.

Dr. Hinge:  Yes, well, you see, Hilda, this isn't exactly a musical concert.

Dame Hilda: But we always do musical concerts.

Dr. Hinge: I know, that's why I thought we should have a change, and I have written a pantomime.

Dame Hilda: What an original idea, a pantomime in August.

Dr. Hinge:  I'm glad you like it, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Like it? I think it's stupid. What do you think, Donald?

Donald: No, I don't remember the piano lid falling on Evadne's fingers at all.

Dame Hilda: Oh, he's gone.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, I've written a pantomime, and if you don't like it, you can write a show yourself.

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, I didn't say I didn't like it, no, no, I said, um... what did I say, Donald?

Donald: It must have been when I was in hospital with my leg.

Dame Hilda: What must?

Donald: When the piano lid fell on Evadne's fingers.

Dr. Hinge: Look, I am proposing that we perform my pantomime for our next show.

Donald:  A pantomime? Oh, splendid idea, yes, I'll second it.

Dr. Hinge: Carried unanimously, I shall read it to you. Babes in the Wood.

Dame Hilda: Oh, good title, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Act one, scene one. Midnight in the Forest.

Dame Hilda: Any particular forest, dear.

Dr. Hinge:  What do you mean?

Dame Hilda: Well, I mean, is it Epping, Sherwood or the one over Stackton Downs?

Dr. Hinge: Well, as a matter of fact, it is Sherwood, but it doesn't make any difference at all.

Dame Hilda: Well, it does to me, dear, you see, I'm trying to imagine it in my mind, right? Well, I've got Sherwood Forest, carry on.

Dr. Hinge: The Wicked Witch is sitting, stirring her cauldron.

Dame Hilda: I'm sorry to interrupt you, dear, but I don't think Babes in the Wood has a Wicked Witch.

Dr. Hinge:  I know, but I had to find a suitable part for Maud, you see. Anyway, she stirs the contents of her cauldron and says in a frenzied, half-witted voice, which Maud should do to perfection, I am bad, I am not good, I cast this spell on the Babes in the Wood.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I mean, it's not exactly Dylan Thomas, is it, dear?

Dr. Hinge:  No, no, no, it's me, may I proceed?

Dame Hilda: Oh, please do.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you, and at this point, you see Maud, as the evil, wicked, horrible witch, stands on a rock in triumph. Now, I’ve just had marvellous idea? She falls into the cauldron and drowns.

Maud: Oh! I've made the tea, whether you're ready or not, I've put a few biscuits on the plate.

Dame Hilda: Why are they all broken, dear?

Maud: They fell off.

Dr. Hinge: And what about the coconut cake, Maud?

Maud: I trod on it.

Dame Hilda:  What you might call desecrated coconut.

Dr. Hinge: Very good, dear.

Dame Hilda:  I bet you wish you'd thought of that.

Dr. Hinge: Not really, dear, no.

Dame Hilda:  Maud, we're going to have a pantomime.

Maud: Oh, I like pantomimes. I once played Dandini.

Dr. Hinge: You're sure it wasn't Dan Leno? Anyway, when do you want to start rehearsing, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: As soon as possible, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I could distribute the scripts to the cast tomorrow.

Dame Hilda: Well, tell them to be at our house at seven o'clock prompt for the first read through.

Dr. Hinge: Excellent.

Maud: And what part am I playing, Dame Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Ah, yes, yes, well, we'll talk about that tomorrow, dear. Something very suitable, Maud, what do you think, Donald?

Donald: Yes, I remember it now. Easter Monday, wasn't it?

Dame Hilda: What was, dear?

Donald: When the piano lid fell on Evadne’s fingers.

{Next day.}

Dame Hilda: Come in, Donald.

Donald: Thank you, Hilda. Sorry I'm late, are the cast in the other room?

Dame Hilda:  No, Donald. you're the only one who's turned up, apart from Maud.

Donald: Oh, dear, what's happened?

Dame Hilda: Well, Donald, six of the cast have telephoned to say they've suddenly gone down with the flu.

Dr. Hinge: I can't understand it, Donald, the flu epidemic was weeks ago.

Dame Hilda: I don't think, personally, it's anything to do with the flu epidemic at all, they've all gone down with flu after reading Evadne's script.

Dr. Hinge: Nonsense, Hilda. For a start, they haven't all gone down with flu, there's still Miss Primley, she hasn't telephoned.

Dame Hilda: Maybe she hasn't read the script yet.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, of course she has, I took it over to her house just an hour ago.

{Phone rings.}

Dame Hilda: There she is, dead on cue. Oh, hello, Miss Primley, what a surprise… oh, I am sorry, she's gone down with the flu, dear. When did it happen, Miss Primley?... really? Quite suddenly, she says. I would imagine about page three, well, take care, dear, yes, bye-bye. I hope she doesn't read as far as page ten, it could lead to pneumonia.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, you can be very cruel.

Dame Hilda: Just facing facts, dear.

Dr. Hinge: What are we going to do, then?

Dame Hilda: Well, there's only one thing we can do. The show must go on, as we say in the business. Now, Donald's here, and you're here, and Maud, of course, is here, so we'll rehearse your parts and double up the people who are missing, I'll read for Robin Hood.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, splendid!

Dame Hilda: We could ask Jean-Pierre to read in as well.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, good idea, yes, I'll call him, Jean-Pierre! Jean-Pierre!

Jean-Pierre: Oui, oui, I'm coming, Evadne.

Dame Hilda: Will you bring Maud with you, Jean-Pierre?

Jean-Pierre: Here I am, Evadne.

Dame Hilda: Where's Maud, Jean-Pierre?

Jean-Pierre: I've not seen her, Hilda. I'll go and look in the kitchen.

Dame Hilda: Strange, Maud! Where are you, Maud?

Maud: I'm ‘ere, Dame ‘ilda, ‘ere I am.

Dame Hilda: Where have you been, Maud?

Maud: I've been sitting in the cupboard under the stairs.

Dame Hilda: What on earth for, dear?

Maud:  I've been ‘iding.

Dame Hilda: Who from, dear?

Maud:  ‘im, Sacha Distal!

Dame Hilda: Maud, Jean-Pierre won't bite you.

Maud: You didn't ‘ear what ‘e said to me.

Dr. Hinge: Whatever did he say to you, Maud?

Maud: ‘e come up behind me and ‘e says, Oui, ava cup of tea. Well, you know what ‘e was meaning, don't you?

Dame Hilda: He was thirsty, I should think.

Maud: Aye, but thirsty for what?

Dr. Hinge:  Maud? You're impossible.

Jean-Pierre: I cannot find Maud anywhere. Ah, you are here.

Maud: See? ‘e's after me.

Dame Hilda: Nonsense, Maud. Now pull yourself together, dear. Now, Jean-Pierre, we want you to read a part in Evadne's pantomime.

Jean-Pierre: Oh, yes. The pantomime of Evadne, yes.

Dame Hilda: This will help you, of course, with your English, Jean-Pierre.

Dr. Hinge:  Now, Maud, we need a Maid Marion.

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear,  Maud, do you think you could pretend to be an 18-year-old innocent beauty?

Maud:  Oh, I think so, Dame ‘ilda. I'll put me ‘air up.

Dame Hilda: Right, well, we'll get to you in a minute, Donald.

Donald:  Don't worry, Hilda, I'll look at my lines.

Dame Hilda: Off we go, then. Now, let's see. Enter Robin Hood. My friends, my name is Robin Hood. I'm dressed in Lincoln red. But where's my merry men, you ask? They've all gone home to bed. Evadne, shouldn't it be green, dear, Lincoln green?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, Hilda, but I couldn't get it to rhyme.

Donald:  Hilda, could I make a suggestion?

Dame Hilda: Certainly, Donald.

Donald: Yes, well, how about... My friends, my name is Robin Hood, I'm dressed in Lincoln green.
But where's my merry men, you ask? They can't be here today for the simple reason that they've been.

Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, wonderful, Donald, yes. I'll rewrite it later. Here comes that rugged friend of mine, Will Scarlet, bold and rough, he's ridden in from Nottingham, he plays for Brian Clough.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I did not write that.

Dame Hilda:  No, I know, but you see, it's topical, dear, I mean, you must be topical in a pantomime.

Dr. Hinge: Carry on, the sheriff and his men are out to rob and loot and pillage. Maid Marion's fallen in the stream.

Dame Hilda: And flooded half the village.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, you are ruining it.

Dame Hilda: I couldn't resist it. Right, now, let's go to Maud's entrance now, come along, Maud.

Maud:  Oh, why am I so beautiful? Oh, why am I so sweet? Why are my hands so dainty?

Dr. Hinge: Why have you got big feet?

Dame Hilda: Evadne, that is not in the script.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I see, you can change the lines, but I can't.

Jean-Pierre: Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Yes, Jean-Pierre, I'm coming to you now, dear.

Jean-Pierre: Ah, that is good.

Dame Hilda: I can't really direct this next scene and play the part at the same time. So will you stand in for me as Robin Hood?

Jean-Pierre: Stand in? What do I stand in?

Dr. Hinge: No, Jean-Pierre, no, no, no. Just read the Robin Hood line.

Jean-Pierre:  I will.

Dame Hilda: Now, Maud, you'll like this, dear, because this is the love scene...between Maid Marion and Robin Hood.

Maud:  What? Me and ‘im.

Dame Hilda:  Yes, dear, it's all right, now, it's quite simple, you're discovered lying down on a bed of leaves.

Maud: Bed? Not likely.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, don't be silly, Maud, you're only pretending.

Maud: Well, I might be, but ‘e isn't.

Jean-Pierre: Maud, you lie down with me, eh?

Maud: Get yer ‘ands off me! You, you ‘ot blooded Latin!

Dame Hilda: Maud, dear, calm down, I'm only asking you to say the words, I don't want you to get... physical. Off you go, top of page seven, Jean-Pierre.

Jean-Pierre: Eh, oui, voilà, there, your beauty fills me with desire, let me kiss you and quench the fire.

Maud: ‘e's obsessed Dame ‘ilda! ‘e needs a bucket o’ water over ‘im.

Dame Hilda: Now, it is at this point that you are discovered.

Maud: Arthur’s not ‘ere, is ‘e?

Dr. Hinge: No, Maud, you're discovered by the sheriff.

Dame Hilda: Righto, Donald, that's your cue. Donald? Donald, are you all right, dear? Donald, why are you holding your head in your hands?

Donald: I've gone a bit shivery, Hilda. I think I might be going down with flu.

{Later.}

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, what are we going to do?

Dame Hilda:  Yes, it's been quite a disastrous evening one way or another, hasn't it? I mean, your pantomime seems to have knocked out half the village.

Dr. Hinge: Yes. Well, at least we have a little time. It's not for four weeks. I mean, no one can have the flu for four weeks.

Dame Hilda: Yes, but I mean, there's chickenpox and scarlet fever. They haven't touched those yet.
Ah, Maud, and with the coffee.

Maud:  ‘ere you are, Dame 'ilda.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, dear.

Maud: Doctor.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you, Maud.

Maud:  And give this to ‘im, will yer?

Jean-Pierre: Ah, merci, Maud. C'est gentil, merci.

Maud: Disgusting.

Dame Hilda: This is nice coffee, Maud.

Maud: It's cocoa.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I knew it was one or the other. You know, Evadne, we needn't waste the entire evening. We could rehearse the song sheet.

Dr. Hinge: I wasn't going to have a song sheet.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, but my dear, you must have a song sheet, Evadne, the children will expect it.
And besides, I've composed a little tune, dear, it's on the piano, ah, here you are. It's called The Animal Song. My idea is this, I want to divide the audience into two halves, you see, and they have to make the animal noises.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, it sounds absolutely vile.

Dame Hilda: You haven't heard it yet, dear, half the audience are cows and the other half are sheep.

Maud: Oh, that's a good idea, Dame ‘ilda. I like a good sing-song.

Dr. Hinge: This is going to be awful.

Dame Hilda:  Now, Jean-Pierre, you sit over there, and you be the left-hand side of the audience, all right?

Jean-Pierre:  Over there?

Dame Hilda: That's right, that's right. And you, Maud, you sit on the other side of the room.

Maud:  That'll suit me fine.

Dame Hilda: You represent the two sides of the audience. Now, Maud, you have to moo because you're a cow... your side of the audience are cows, dear. And Jean-Pierre?

Jean-Pierre: Oui, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: You're a sheep.

Jean-Pierre: Ah, a sheep, oui. Mooo!

Dr. Hinge:  No, no, no, Jean-Pierre, no, no, no. A sheep, a mouton. Baaa!

Jean-Pierre: Ah, oui, oui. Baa, baa, oui, oui, baa!

Dame Hilda: That's lovely, dear, yes, that's lovely, dear, yes.

Jean-Pierre: Baa, baa!

Dame Hilda: Yes, that's fine, yes.

Jean-Pierre: Baa, baa!

Dame Hilda: Be quiet, Jean-Pierre! Right, on the piano then, dear, and here we go.

The cows go moo, moo, moo, moo, moo

And they say, how do you do

The sheep go baa, baa, baa, baa, baa

They say hip, hip, hoorah

Moo, moo, moo, moo,

Baa, baa, baa, baa

Hip, hip, hip, hoorah

Dr. Hinge: Devastating, dear.

Dame Hilda: I knew you'd like it, dear. It was a flash of inspiration I had this morning in the middle of me kippers.

Dr. Hinge: A sort of musical indigestion, I suppose.

Dame Hilda: Right, now Jean-Pierre and Maud, or should I say boys and girls? Perhaps not. Now... follow me, all right? ♬The cows go moo, moo, moo, moo♬ Well, where are you, Maud? Maud, you're supposed to be a cow, dear.

Dr. Hinge:  Perhaps she's jumped over the moon.

Dame Hilda:  Now come along, Maud, and concentrate. I'll start again. The cows go moo, moo, moo, moo, moo

Maud: Moooooo!

Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, yes, very bovine, but not quite right.

Maud: Oh, ‘tis the Doctor's playin’ that’s puttin’ me off?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Madame Butterfly getting temperamental, is she?

Dame Hilda: Now, let's not quibble. We're all doing our best. Now, we come to the sheep. Ready, Jean-Pierre? The sheep go baa, baa, baa, baa, baa

Jean-Pierre: Baa, baa, baa, baa, baa, baa!

Dame Hilda: Thank you, Jean-Pierre, yes. Thank you, dear.

Jean-Pierre: Baa, baa, baa, baa, baa, baa!

Dame Hilda: Yes, will you shut up, please?

Jean-Pierre: No more baas?

Dr. Hinge:  Carry on like that and you'll be behind them.

Dame Hilda: Just a little too frantic, Jean-Pierre. Sounds as though you're trying to avoid the sheep dip. Now, we come to the last part where the animals are together.

Maud: I'm staying where I am.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, this is where I want you to help me out.

Dr. Hinge: Certainly, Hilda. Pass me the script.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, here, my dear.

Dr. Hinge: And the song sheet.

Dame Hilda: Right.{Rip!} Evadne you've torn them in half, {Rip!} quarters, whatever for?

Dr. Hinge: We're going to have a musical concert instead, and what's more, Hilda, I'll let you choose the programme.

Dame Hilda: That's very kind of you, dear.  And you know, by a strange coincidence, I happen to have a programme already planned.

Dr. Hinge: Very strange.

Dame Hilda: In fact, by another stranger coincidence, it's here in my handbag. We're going to open with one of your favourites, and Jean-Pierre, you're going to like this, dear.

Oh, the days of the kerry dancing

Oh, the ring of the piper's tune

Oh, for one of those hours of gladness

Gone alas like our youth too soon

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor