French Week In Stackton.
This is French Week in the village of Stackton Tressel and the principal guest is Monsieur Jean-Pierre Duval, the Mayor of Saint-Troiteux, Stackton's twin town in southern France. The Doctor speaks the language fluently, so not to be outdone, Dame Hilda has purchased a French phrasebook and is taking every opportunity to practice the language to any sympathetic ear, even to her budgerigar Milton.
{Drawing room.} Dame Hilda: Bonjour, Monsieur Budgie, comment allez-vous aujourd'hui? No, darling, no, it doesn't mean stick your head in your seed pot. No, Milton, it means how are you today? Yes, yes, I know he's a pretty boy, yes. In fact, I would go so far as to say he's a jolly garcon. Yes, who's a jolly garcon? Dr. Hinge: Hilda. Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, I thought you were upstairs, dear. Dr. Hinge: I've been standing in that doorway for the past three minutes and I can't believe my ears. Dame Hilda: I've been speaking to Milton in French. Dame Hilda: Of course he can, he understands every word I say to him, don't you, Milton? Yes, I know he's a pretty boy. Dr. Hinge: Honestly, you've named that bird after one of England's greatest poets and he can't even say pretty boy without falling off his perch. Dame Hilda: Yes, but that's because he's in a playful mood, isn't it, Milton? Nes pas? Dame Hilda: Really? Dr. Hinge: You're not growing feathers, are you? Dr. Hinge: I don't see the point, Hilda. I speak the language so when Monsieur Duval arrives, you can leave everything to me. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I can translate you everything he says. Dame Hilda: Yes, well, that's just it, dear, there may be certain things that you won't want to translate. Dr. Hinge: Such as what? Dame Hilda: Well, you know what Frenchmen are, dear. Dame Hilda: I'm not suggesting anything, but he might, you know... Dame Hilda: Well, I do and that's why I'm brushing up my French. Oh, look, here's Maud. I say, ici, Maud. Maud est dans la jardin. Dr. Hinge: What was that, dear? Dr. Hinge: Oh, very good, Hilda, most impressive. Yes, and now Maud is trampling through the delphiniums. Dame Hilda: Oh, I don't think I could tackle that phrase yet, dear. Dr. Hinge: Stupid woman! The only time she's ever used that path was five minutes after we'd had it concreted. Dame Hilda: At least she's entered into the spirit of the French week. You know, she's wearing a little beret. Dame Hilda: Of course, everybody in the village is thinking French, even Mrs. Jarvis has hung a flag outside her shop. Dr. Hinge: Yes, I've seen it, rather unfortunate, that, it's the German flag. Dame Hilda: Yes, I know, but Germany is sort of next door to France, isn't it? Dame Hilda: I asked her to call at the library to get me a book on the south of France, you know, Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I have been there, you know. Dame Hilda: Oh, I know, dear, but it was the wine festival, wasn't it? Dr. Hinge: Are you suggesting I was drunk? Dame Hilda: Well, of course not, dear, not all the time. In the music room, Maud! Dr. Hinge: Oh dear, I wonder what damage she's going to do today. Dame Hilda: Oh, dear. Well, never mind, Maud, at least there's the other one. Maud: No, there isn't, I didn't see that either, but don't worry, I'll get the broom out. Dr. Hinge: Flying off somewhere, are you, Maud? Maud: I got you that book you were wanting, Dame ‘ilda, the one on the south of France, looks ever so good. Dame Hilda: Oh, lovely, let me see, dear, thank you. Oh, Murder in Monte Carlo. Dr. Hinge: Ten out of ten, Maud. Dame Hilda: Oh, nothing, nothing, Maud, nothing at all, dear. It will be most useful. Dr. Hinge: If we want to kill somebody and we probably shall. Dame Hilda: Yes, well, don't... don't worry about it, Maud, we've more important matters to think about today than silly library books. Maud: Oh, yes, what time's he arriving, this francy man? Maud: Oh, we're ‘aving spaghetti, are we? Maud: All right, so there's me and you and the Doctor and Mr. Smollett and this francy man. What's ‘e called, anyway? Dame Hilda: Jean-Pierre Duval. Dame Hilda: Yes, well, when he arrives, Maud, just be nice to him, dear, and try to make his stay a pleasant one. Dr. Hinge: That's what Hilda meant, Maud.
{Later.} Dame Hilda: Let me open the door for you, Donald. There we are. Oh, I'm so pleased you stayed till lunch. Donald: Oh, it was a pleasure, a pleasure, Hilda, a pleasure. Yes, I really enjoyed it. I really did. Really did enjoy it, yes, enjoy it, yes. Dame Hilda: Yes, well, you must come again sometime. When we've restocked the larder. Dame Hilda: You do need a full life, don't you, Donald? Well, now, we'll look after Jean-Pierre for you. Dame Hilda: Oh, don't worry, Donald. I'm sure we can overcome the language barrier. Dame Hilda: Well, I think six, Donald. Dame Hilda: Goodbye, Donald. love to Cressida. Dr. Hinge: Ah, Hilda, has Donald gone? Dame Hilda: Completely, dear.
{Dining room.} Dame Hilda: Now then, Jean-Pierre, I hope you enjoyed the meal. Was it to your liking? Jean-Pierre: Uh, pardon? Jean-Pierre: Ah, oui, oh, oui, très bien. Dame Hilda: I think I've got through to him, dear. Dame Hilda: Yes, well, you can't say better than that, can you? Well, I can’t anyway? Dr. Hinge: Jean-Pierre, voulez-vous encore du fromage? Dame Hilda: What were you saying to him, Evadne? What did you say then? Dr. Hinge: I'm merely asking him if he'd like some more cheese. Dame Hilda: Are you sure? Jean-Pierre: Non, non, merci, ma chère Evadne. Ça devient comme ça, c'est parfait. Dame Hilda: What did he say then, dear? What did he say to you? Dame Hilda: What were you saying to him now, dear? What was it? Dr. Hinge: I'm only asking him if he'd like some more wine. Jean-Pierre: Mademoiselle, mademoiselle, voyons pourquoi vous disputer comme ça? Dr. Hinge: He wants to know why we're arguing. Dame Hilda: But we're not arguing, tell him we're not arguing, dear. Dr. Hinge: I can't tell him we're not arguing because we are arguing. Maud: Are you all right in ‘ere? Maud: Well, I ‘eard all that shouting, I thought ‘e were attacking yer, is he all right? Dame Hilda: Who, dear? Maud: ‘im, Mr. Duval. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, yes, of course he is. Maud: Only ‘e's looking at me a bit funny. Dr. Hinge: Doesn't everybody? Dr. Hinge: Oh, oui, dans un instant, Jean-Pierre, Jean-Pierre was saying he wanted us to sing, dear, we did promise him over lunch. Maud: All right, then. Maud: Not likely, oh, no, I couldn't do that. Dr. Hinge: He won't bite you, Maud. Maud: Oh, no. I've ‘eard about these ‘ot blooded Latins, I'm not going to put temptation in ‘is way. Dr. Hinge: You never spoke a truer word, Maud. Dame Hilda: Because you could tell him, really, couldn't you? Ici, Dr. ‘ingier...Dr. ‘ingier? The French have a word for it, of course. Evadne parler votre sing la, la, la! avec vous ce soir. Très bien. Yes, I think he understands, but you can tell him the title, dear. Dr. Hinge: You seem to have done most of it already, dear. C'est ici un petit morceau que j'ai composé spécialement pour l'occasion de votre visite. C'est le Liste des Vins. For Maud, that's to say, it's a piece I wrote for Dame Hilda for the occasion, the wine list. You know, you've heard of it before. Here we go, anyway.
Nuits Saint Georges, Nuits Saint Georges Nuits Saint Georges, Nuits Saint Georges Nuits Saint Georges, Nuits Saint Georges Nuits Saint Georges, Nuits Saint Georges Riesling Alsace, Pouilly fume, Madeira Tochet Muscovy, San Julian Rose Provence, Rose Provence Rose Provence, Merlot Nuits Saint Georges, Nuits Saint Georges
Jean-Pierre: Oh, Hilda, bravo, magnifique, Madmoiselle Hilda superb! Dame Hilda: What did he say dear? Dr. Hinge: He was just saying how well he thought I played the piano. Maud: I think I'd better be on me way, Dame ‘ilda. ‘e's looking at me again. Dame Hilda: Well, all right, Maud, and we'll see you tonight at the celebration. Maud: Cheerio. Jean-Pierre: Au revoir, chère mademoiselle. Dame Hilda: Now, Jean-Pierre, come and sit over here by the fire. Jean-Pierre: Pardon? Dame Hilda: No, you won't, Evadne, no, I can manage. Jean-Pierre, ici, ici, over here s’asseoir. Jean-Pierre: Ah, oui, oui, oui. Dame Hilda: Oh, well done…err chair. Jean-Pierre: Err...chair. Dame Hilda: Bon...sideboard? Jean-Pierre: Sideboard. Dame Hilda: Excellent, tres bon. Now, ici, antimacassar. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, really. Jean-Pierre: Antimacassar. Jean-Pierre: Serviette.
Dame Hilda: Well, I know that. Now, Jean-Pierre, ici, budgie. Dr. Hinge: Ici, strangle it. Dame Hilda: Now, Milton, say hello to your uncle Jean-Pierre. Yes, yes, I know he's a pretty boy. Jean-Pierre: Ici, budgie. Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, that's right, Jean-Pierre. Say one of your nursery rhymes, Milton. Jean-Pierre: Ici, budgie. Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Just a minute, Jean-Pierre, Milton is going to speak to you. Dr. Hinge: Well, if he does, it'll be the first time. Dame Hilda: Come on, Milton. Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, yes, just be quiet, Jean-Pierre. I think you're putting him off, dear. now, come on, darling, for mummy. Jean-Pierre: Ici, budgie.
{Church hall.} Dame Hilda: Oh. Will you be translating Jean-Pierre's speech, Evadne? Dr. Hinge: No, dear, no, I won't. His son has written it out in English for him, you see. He takes languages at school, apparently. Dame Hilda: Oh, good, and he probably would have spoken too quickly for you anyway. Dr. Hinge: Thank you, Hilda. Donald: Thank you. Yes, thank you, thank you. ladies and gentlemen, or should I perhaps say madame et monsieur, should I say it? yes good good well take it a step then, now why are we here? why are we here? why indeed yes we are here to welcome an honoured guest from the other side of the eerrm channel thank you thank you yes and I would like to welcome him because that's why we're here Dame Hilda: Cough, dear, it’s cough! Jean-Pierre: I am better getting before I arriving so that is a good I have bring you greeting from my town you are very nice err... Jean-Pierre: You are very nice people I like you very good and you are very…. Jean-Pierre: Merci. Dame Hilda: Oh that's all right dear simple mistake carry on. Jean-Pierre: Umm... our two great counties Dame Hilda: No, no that’s wrong, dear. Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, leave him alone, will you? Dame Hilda: Yes but it's got to be right, dear, it should be countries, Jean-Pierre not counties now let me see yes he's missed the R out our two um... our two great countries are bound in friendship he’s spelled friendship wrongly, I before E except after C, over the centuries of our great history and it is a good pleasure, I think he means great pleasure for me to be here with you here today, with you on this festive occasion, double C, so I am thanking you for your kindness and saying thank you to you for your kindness, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Dame Hilda: Lovely speech Jean-Pierre thank you congratulations Dr. Hinge: Yes, very good have you ever thought of taking up ventriloquism, dear. Donald: Yes, well uh... my friends the moment has uh has uh come come for us to to to entertain our visitor and uh and uh entertain him and so over to Dame Hilda and the doctor who uh uh... will start the ball rolling and uh... who will uh start the ball rolling yes and uh... so over to them yes Dame Hilda: Yes, thank you Donald and we would like to commence our Anglo-French entertainment with one of dear Miss Primley's lovely poems which she has written especially for this occasion with two C's Miss Primley she does apologise for not being here tonight to read it herself so with Dr. Hinge at the pianoforte. I give you buttered scones in Monmartre, and oh and I must tell you it's real butter with 2p off this week
Benevolent cornucopia of the grape Trodden through the mistiness of time By a million peasant metatarsals Oh France, oh, France, oh, France Where hosts of snooping snarling snails All crawly crawly Chase the frenzied frantic frogs Hoppity, hoppity, boundy, boundy Along the Champs Elysee Oh France, oh, France, oh, France The land that spawned the yard long crusty bread And bred the lusty yard long man Toulouse Lautrec Who painted ladies bearing their souls in harmony At the folies jolly folies Bergere Oh France, oh, France, oh, France Where once was heard the fateful sound of rumbling grumbling tumbrils And the sitting knitting twitting crones in the cold grey dawn But see it is little Sasha gazing up into the latent sky His handsome hopeful head awaiting the fall of a solitary raindrop {A raindrop dear} Oh France, oh, France, oh, France A British Tommy Atkins salutes and shouts Inky Pinky Parlez vous. Dame Hilda: So we'll know it's going to be rather difficult to follow that but not quite impossible so uh I would like to sing for you now ladies and gentlemen with my colleague and oldest friend on the piano here a lovely song from the opera the mill on the floss by Ostersteiger and not a Frenchman but from one of the other countries close to it a lovely song entitled don't be cross
She was the millers daughter fair She had admirers everywhere But she loved best a shepherd boy And his attentions she’d enjoy He loved to give his heart to her He never dared to part from her But in a patronising way Laughingly she would say Don't be cross, now, don't sit and cry You'll recover by and by Though you love me desperately Don't you see you are not the one for me She went in search of wealth and fame But the right man, never came. Finding her journey all in vain Sadly she turned right round again She left her foolish heart behind Told her true love I’ve changed my mind Asked him to marry her But he answered her laughingly Don't be cross, now, don't sit and cry You'll recover by and by Though I loved you desperately Now I see you are not the one for me Please don't cry Don't be cross Now I see you are not the one for me
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
