Gay are the lights and passionate the strings

That play till dawn

But I'm forlorn

No sound of merriment drowns the song

Made by sad memories ringing all day long

{Music room.}

Dame Hilda: So that's the rehearsal over, dear, we can go out now for the day with a clear conscience.

Dr. Hinge:  Yes, dear, I have packed the picnic hamper.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I noticed, so I've repacked it.

Dr. Hinge: Why, dear?

Dame Hilda:  Well, Evadne, you'd put all the squashable items on top.

Dr. Hinge: But of course, you don't put tomato sandwiches and cream cakes underneath heavy plates and thermos flasks.

Dame Hilda:  I do, dear.

Dr. Hinge: But they'll get crushed.

Dame Hilda: That's just where you're wrong, dear, because I always put the hamper in the car upside down.

Dr. Hinge: Why?

Dame Hilda: Because if you didn't, the food would get crushed, it's system and method, you see, combined, of course, with logical thinking.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, in that case, I expect you'll be wearing your shoes on your head.

Dame Hilda: Now, if you're going to be silly, I'd rather drop the subject.

Dr. Hinge:  I thought you would, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: But if I may mention it, dear, you do seem to have cut far too many sandwiches.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I told Miss Primley I would provide enough for the three of us.

Dame Hilda: Yes, a wise move, dear, I remember the last time she provided the refreshments.

Dr. Hinge: And we had dock leaf sandwiches and nettle salad, well, at least that's what it tasted like.

Dame Hilda:  Yes, I just ate the bread and threw the contents behind a stone, I remember the ants threw it back, ha, ha, ha! the contents, not the stone.

Dr. Hinge: Incidentally, Hilda, I've made two flasks of tea, one without milk and one without sugar.
I couldn't remember what Miss Primley liked her tea without.

Dame Hilda:  I think she likes her tea without tea, dear.

Dr. Hinge: The trouble is, dear, you see, I put sugar in the one without milk and the milk in the one without sugar, so if Miss Primley wants it without sugar and milk, we've got a problem.

Dame Hilda:  Wouldn't it have been easier to bring two flasks of unadulterated tea, a bag of sugar and a bottle of milk?

Dr. Hinge:  It would have been far easier, Hilda, if you'd got up early and done the lot yourself.

Dame Hilda: Well, I did offer, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, after I'd done it all.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne I've just remembered there's something I haven't done.

Dr. Hinge: Something else?

Dame Hilda: I haven't phoned the vicar to ask can we borrow his binoculars.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, Hilda, we must have a pair of binoculars.

Dame Hilda: Don't worry, dear, I'll give him a ring now, and we can pick them up on our way.
{Dials phone.} Oh, hello, hello, Donald, It's me, dear, Dame Hilda... yes, yes, I'm fine, thanks and how's Cressida?... oh, dear, I am sorry, well, I did say at the time it wasn't a good idea to keep bees, well, didn't she wear one of those hats with a net round her face?… oh, oh, it didn't sting her there.

I see….well, you can never tell with bees, anyway, Donald, I'm ringing really to ask you, can we borrow your binoculars? we're going bird watching, you see… what are you using them for?... Oh, I see, well, yes, If that's what turns you on, dear, yes, yes, well, anyway, that's very kind of you…

yes, we'll call for them, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, Donald...give our love to Cressida, tell her to keep walking about, bye-bye, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Whatever was that all about?

Dame Hilda: Well, apparently he was going to do a spot of bird watching himself, in a manner of speaking, he wanted to inspect the church weathercock.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, of course, he told me it had been facing south for the past week.

Dame Hilda: Perhaps it wants to fly there for the winter,

Dr. Hinge: Well, Hilda, it's time for us to fly, don't forget, we have to pick up Miss Primley.

Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, dear. Oh, I'll just say goodbye to Milton, there, there, then, Milton, who's a pretty boy, {chirp!} yes, I know you, oh, look at him, he's admiring himself in his mirror.

Dr. Hinge:  Stupid bird.

Dame Hilda: {Chirp!} Milton, dear, no, Milton, darling, don't bang your mirror like that, if it breaks, you'll have seven years' bad luck.

Dr. Hinge: He's been seven years bad luck.

Dame Hilda: Ignore her, Milton, she's being naughty, we're going to see some of your country cousins today, oh, yes, would you like me to take a message? we could strap it to your auntie Evadne's leg.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I'll get the car out, Hilda, and put the hamper on the back seat.

Dame Hilda: Upside down, don't forget, on the other hand, of course, you could put it in the right way up and you could sit upside down.

{Later.}

Dame Hilda: Are you quite comfortable on the back seat, Miss Primley?

Miss Primley: Oh, yes, Hilda, it's very spacious, I'm stretching my legs.

Dame Hilda: Well, don't stretch one longer than the other, dear, you might get lopsided.

Dr. Hinge:  The countryside is beautiful at this time of the year, isn't it, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: You shouldn't be looking, dear, keep your eyes on the road. Oh, look Evadne, at that magnificent oak tree!

Miss Primley:

Oh, mighty oak

A mass of wooden

Timber, acorn, worm and maggot.

As in the breeze, its topmost branches

Dance, a carefree dance.

Dame Hilda: It's not doing the okey-cokey, is it, dear? Now, keep your eyes on the road in Evadne. Oh, look at that thatched cottage.

Dr. Hinge: How can I possibly keep my eyes on the road and look at oak trees and thatched cottages?

Miss Primley:

Oh, thatch-ed cottage

Sing to me of parsley sauce

Elderberry and thick-knit sweaters

Dr. Hinge: It's a different language.

Dame Hilda: But I know exactly what she feels, dear, and I think it's cramp in her left leg, it's all that stretching, you see.

Miss Primley: Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, Miss Primley.

Miss Primley: Please, don't think I'm criticising your driving, but don't you think you're going too fast?

Dame Hilda: Don't worry, Miss Primley, Evadne, is a very competent driver, and she doesn't take any risks, and you are going too fast, Evadne!

Dr. Hinge: Nonsense, I do not consider 22 miles an hour fast.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, I distinctly saw the needle on 60.

Dr. Hinge: That's the oil pressure, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Well, if the oil's going at 60 miles an hour, the car must be as well.

Dr. Hinge: Would you prefer to take the wheel, Hilda Bracket?

Dame Hilda: I don't mind, dear, pass it over, ha, ha, ha!

Dr. Hinge: Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Yes, Miss Primley.

Miss Primley: There's a strange noise in the back.

Dame Hilda:  She can say that again.

Dr. Hinge: What is it, Miss Primley?

Miss Primley:  Listen, can't you hear it?

Dr. Hinge: No, I'm afraid I can't.

Miss Primley:  Can you hear it, Hilda?

Dame Hilda:  No.

Miss Primley: Listen, listen!

Dame Hilda: No, I'm sorry.

Miss Primley: Listen!

Dame Hilda: No, I'm sorry, I can't.

Miss Primley: Hilda, you're not listening.

Dame Hilda: But I am. I'm listening as hard as I can, I can hear myself listening.

Miss Primley: Here, there, did you hear it then?

Dame Hilda: No. No, I didn't.

Miss Primley: Oh, you must have done, it's like a...crick, crick, tutti, tutti, tutti!

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, that certainly narrows it down.

Miss Primley: There it goes again, oh, Hilda, I'm frightened,

Dame Hilda: It isn't anything you're wearing, is it, dear?

Miss Primley:  I'm not sure I know what you mean.

Dame Hilda: Well, er... Maud once had a pair of squeaky corsets, do you remember, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, but I don't think it was crick, crick, tutti, tutti, tutti.

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, no, it was more of a twang, twang, brrrr! Mind you, we soon cured it, we gave her a quick rubdown with an oily rag.

Miss Primley: It's still there, Hilda.

Dr. Hinge: I think I'd better stop.

Miss Primley:  I do think you should look under the car, Hilda, and check if you can see the noise.

Dame Hilda: That's rather like asking someone to listen to a photograph.

Dr. Hinge: I'll have a look.

Miss Primley: I do hope it isn't serious, isn't the carburettor under there?

Dame Hilda: I think the Doctor keeps ours in the glove compartment.

Dr. Hinge:  It's bad news, Hilda, the exhaust pipe is waggling about, it looks as if it might drop off.

Dame Hilda: Chewing gum.

Dr. Hinge: Pardon, dear?

Dame Hilda: We could stick it on with chewing gum, if we had any chewing gum. Miss Primley, do you happen to have any chewing gum on you, dear?

Miss Primley: No, Hilda, but I've got some liquorice allsorts.

Dr. Hinge: Isn't it pathetic?

Dame Hilda: May I make another suggestion?

Dr. Hinge: If it's as fatuous as the last one, no.

Dame Hilda: I suggest we call at that farm across the fields. they may be able to help.

Dr. Hinge: Exactly what I had in mind.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I'm sure you did.

Miss Primley:

Oh, sturdy farmhouse

Guardian of isolation

There comes a cry of

Cock-a-doodle-doo

From a bewildered horse

Dame Hilda: Yes, and it's not the only one.

{Farm house.}

Dr. Hinge: There doesn't seem to be anyone in, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Well, shall I peep through the letterbox?

Miss Primley: Isn't that invasion of privacy, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: No, curiosity, yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo, I say, yoo-hoo. is anybody there?

Farmer:  No. I'm here, right behind you.

Dame Hilda: You did startle me, Mr, Mr...er Farmer.

Farmer: Farrington, Fred Farrington, I was over in the barn, heard you knocking.

Miss Primley:

Oh, yeoman stock

Who toil in soil with leather gaiters

Reflecting rich passive illusions

Dame Hilda: Yes, may we introduce ourselves? Mr. Farrington, I'm Dame Hilda Bracket.

Dr. Hinge: Dr. Evadne Hinge

Miss Primley: Miss Primley.

Dame Hilda: Who is rather poetically minded.

Farmer: I gathered that, interesting, because I do a bit of scribbling meself.

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear.

Dr. Hinge: The thing is, you see, our car has broken down.

Farmer:  Oh, well, you'd better come in, door ain't locked.

Dame Hilda: Well, isn't this erm... quaint?

Dr. Hinge:  Yes, indeed, quaint is the word, dear.

Farmer:  Sit yourselves down, ladies, just move that firewood off of the settee.

Dame Hilda: Thank you.

Farmer: And try not to disturb Clara in the armchair, she's hatching some eggs.

Dame Hilda: I'm sure she'll make a wonderful mother.

Miss Primley: What a wonderful atmosphere exists in this farmstead, Mr. Farrington.

Bumblebees and tins of fruit

Agog in wild profusion.

Farmer:  Oh, very deep that, Miss Primley, very deep.

Dame Hilda: She always is.

Farmer: 

Uncut bread and fleecy sheep

Miss Primley: Oh, enthralling, you've captured the mysticism of the soul of probability.

Dame Hilda:  I wonder if he's any good with exhaust pipes.

Farmer:  I write my best poetry in the dark.

Dame Hilda: Yes, that's understandable.

Farmer: You see, I sit in the inglenook and contemplate the dying embers, and I feel it all around me.

Dame Hilda: Probably you need your chimney sweeping

Farmer: 

Fire, bricks and rusty bagpipes

Wafting on a lake of porridge

Miss Primley: Oh, yes, yes.

Churning, swirling

Pudding and pie

Mr. Grimshaw has got hiccups

Farmer:

Guzzle, guzzle

Twice and thrice

Crackle, snap

Cries a creaking chair

Miss Primley:

The vicar's here

Let's bake a cake

Dr. Hinge: It's at moments like this, Hilda, when I wish I'd persevered with the open university.

Dame Hilda:  I think you'd have been better taking woodwork. Now, Mr. Farrington, if you've finished with your intellectual rhetoric, we did intend to do some bird watching, but our car is in need of attention.

Farmer:  Oh, yes, the exhaust pipe, you said.

Dame Hilda: Yes.

Farmer:  Well, now, look, you wander across Long Meadow, over the style of the Coppins wood, you'll see all the wildlife you want to, and leave the car to me, ladies.

Dr. Hinge: That's very kind of you.

Farmer:  And if I can't fix it, I'll send for Rex.

Dame Hilda: My word, he must be a clever sheepdog.

Farmer:  It's me brother.

{Coppins wood.}

Dame Hilda: Careful with the picnic basket, Evadne, make sure it's the wrong way up, dear, and can you give me a hand over this style, dear, thank you, your turn now, Miss Primley.

Miss Primley: Oh, dear, I don't think I can, Hilda, it's my skirt, it's too tight.

Dame Hilda: Well, pull it up, dear.

Miss Primley: Hilda, I couldn't possibly do that.

Dame Hilda: Well, don't worry, we'll tell the birds not to look, close your eyes, dickie birds.

Dr. Hinge:  Look, sit on top of the style and sort of swivel your legs over.

Miss Primley:  Yes, well, I'll try, oooh!

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear, oh, I say, we should have brought her some sandpaper.

Miss Primley: I think it's a splinter.

Dame Hilda:

Oh, splinter, splinter on the style

Will make Miss Primley run a mile

Miss Primley: Oh, that's better, I've made it.

Dr. Hinge: Well, let's head for that grassy bank over there.

Dame Hilda: What a lovely spot for a picnic and an ideal place for bird watching, oh, I say, oh, look Evadne, what do you think that one is?

Dr. Hinge:  Let me see, oh, well, it could be a woodpecker.

Dame Hilda: You really think so? Better keep your hat on, Miss Primley, ha, ha, ha! just my fun, dear, what kind of woodpecker, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge:  What kind do you want?

Dame Hilda: Oh, now, don't be exasperating, dear, according to my book, we can look for the green woodpecker, the great spotted woodpecker, or the lesser spotted woodpecker.

Miss Primley: I don't think it's a green one.

Dame Hilda: Oh, you may be right, that one's black and white.

Dr. Hinge: It must be one of the other two, then.

Dame Hilda: Well, I know that, Evadne, but which one? I mean, is it a great spotted woodpecker or a lesser spotted woodpecker, and do they call the lesser spotted woodpecker lesser because it's smaller than the great spotted woodpecker, or do they call the lesser spotted woodpecker lesser because it has less spots than the greater spotted woodpecker?

Dr. Hinge:  Pass.

Dame Hilda: And I thought you'd have known that one, Evadne.

Miss Primley: I'm a little confused.

Dame Hilda: Well, it seems a perfectly straightforward question to me.

Dr. Hinge: Well, you answer it.

Dame Hilda: Oh, now, look, look, there's a pretty one, oh, now, would that be a purple sandpaper?

Dr. Hinge: Piper, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Pardon me?

Dr. Hinge: I said piper.

Dame Hilda: I thought so, well, what about it?

Dr. Hinge:  You said sandpaper.

Dame Hilda: Did I? Well, if you're going to pick me up on everything, anyway, it's probably a misprint in this book.

Dr. Hinge: Let me see.

Dame Hilda: It doesn't matter, dear, anyway, it's a very old book, and I've lost the page now.

Miss Primley:

Oh, sandpiper of purple tinge

Wouldst thou not speak to Dr. Hinge

Dame Hilda: Oh, very good, Miss Primley.

Miss Primley:

Oh, purple bird, oh, sweet nest-builder

Warble thy note to dear Dame Hilda

Dame Hilda: I think she's away again, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge:  I've noticed, yes.

Miss Primley: I think I'd like something to eat, Hilda.

Dame Hilda:  She's back again,

Miss Primley:  I'm feeling rather peckish.

Dr. Hinge: Well, you will be, it's all these birds, you know.

Dame Hilda:  Well, right then, Miss Primley. Now, is it tea with milk and without sugar, or is it tea with sugar and without milk, or is it tea without milk and sugar, or is it milk without sugar and tea? ♬Or would you rather be a fish♬

Miss Primley: Coffee.

Dame Hilda: I don't think we've got tea without coffee.

Miss Primley: No, Hilda, just coffee on its own.

Dame Hilda:  That's one combination you forgot about, Evadne, you slipped up there, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, and I slipped up when I agreed to make the food. Speaking of which, would either of you like a spoonful of tomato sandwich?

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear, say, what a state they're in, never mind, I like them moist.

Dr. Hinge:  Moist, they're soaking wet.

Dame Hilda: And look at the cress, what a mess. Oh, I made a rhyme, Miss Primley.

Dr. Hinge: It's all your fault, Hilda Bracket, repacking them the wrong way up and putting the basket in the car upside down instead.

Miss Primley: Yes, I noticed that, that's why I turned the hamper the other way.

Dame Hilda:  Thank you, Miss Primley, well, who's for a salad cream cake?

Dr. Hinge:  Not for me, thank you.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, come along, dear, where's your adventurous spirit?

Dr. Hinge: Crushed, like the food.

Dame Hilda: Well, Miss Primley, would you like a drop of tea instead of coffee? I mean, if it's like the rest of the picnic, you won't tell the difference.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, could I have the binoculars?

Dame Hilda: Well, dear, I think you'll find them a bit tough on your teeth.

Dr. Hinge: While you pour the tea, I wish to concentrate on my bird-watching.

Dame Hilda: Certainly, dear.

Dr. Hinge: You know, Hilda, I've always wanted to see and hear a bittern, but I've never been lucky enough.

Dame Hilda: Bittern? I mean, that's a strange name for a bird.

Dr. Hinge: It's a strange bird, it's described here in the book. when unaware of being seen, the bittern looks like a large domestic hen hunched up with its long neck drawn in.

Dame Hilda: Sounds like Maud, dear.

Dr. Hinge: It's not much of a singer, either, listen to this, the call of the bittern resembles something between the lowing of a cow and a distant foghorn.

Dame Hilda: It is Maud.

Miss Primley:  I have always wanted to see a black tailed godwit.

Dame Hilda: Well, who hasn't, dear?

Miss Primley: Oh, black-tailed godwit, where art thou now?

Dame Hilda:  Why don't you go and look for one, dear, never know your luck, Evadne, what are you staring at?

Dr. Hinge: Ants.

Dame Hilda: Where?

Dr. Hinge: There, dear, marching across this hillock.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. They're so industrious, and they are marvellous little workers.

Miss Primley: What's the matter, Hilda?

Dame Hilda:  We're just admiring this army of ants, it starts right over there, and it comes right across here and goes right under you, Miss Primley.

Miss Primley: Ooooh! arrgh!

Dame Hilda: Don't worry, Miss Primley, they're probably after your liquorice allsorts.

{Farm house.}

Farmer:  Well, well, ladies. did you have a good picnic?

Dame Hilda: Well, I think the ants did.

Farmer:  And did you do any bird watching?

Dr. Hinge: Actually, I think they were watching us most of the time.

Farmer:  Well, now I've mended your exhaust pipe, and I reckon it'll get you home.

Dame Hilda: I was hoping to go home in the car.

Farmer:  I like a sense of humour, did you hear the one about the two rabbits?

Dame Hilda: Er, we'd rather not, thank you, anyway, I have heard it.

Dr. Hinge: Well now, Mr. Farrington, how much do we owe you?

Farmer:  Oh, good heavens, it were only a five-minute job, just had to put a clip on, no trouble at all, let's say a fiver.

Dr. Hinge: A what?

Farmer: Sense of humour, nothing at all, no, really, it's my pleasure.

Dame Hilda: Well, you've been very helpful, Mr. Farrington, and I must say, I love this little front room.

Dr. Hinge: And the piano in the corner, is it in good condition?

Farmer: Oh, it is that. I have it tuned every six months, in memory of my Daisy.

Dame Hilda: Oh, your late wife.

Farmer:  No, me prize cow, used to love to stand outside the window and listen.

Dame Hilda: Well, shall we sing him a number, Evadne, as a sort of thank you?

Farmer:  Oh, you do a bit of singing, do you?

Dame Hilda: Just a little bit, you know.

Farmer:  Well, now, I'd like that.

Dame Hilda: Splendid, I'll tell you what, this would be a very good opportunity for me to go through my solo for Ruth in the Pirates of Penzance.

Dr. Hinge: Excellent idea.

Dame Hilda: Shall we do that now?

Dr. Hinge:  I think we could.

Dame Hilda: Sit down, all right, you carry on then.

When Frederick was a little lad

He proved so brave and daring

His father thought he'd apprentice him

To some career seafaring

 I was, alas, his nursery maid

And so it fell to my lot

To take and bind the promising boy

Apprentice to a pilot

A life not bad for a hardy lad

Oh, surely not a high lot

Oh, I'm a nurse, you might do worse

Than make your boy a pilot

I was a stupid nursery maid

On breakers always steering

And I did not catch the words aright

Through being hard of hearing

Mistaking my instructions

Which within my brain did gyrate

I took and bound this promising boy

Apprentice to a pirate

A sad mistake it was to make

And doomed him to a vile lot

I bound him to a pirate you

Instead of to a pilot

I soon found out, beyond all doubt

The scope of this disaster

But I hadn't the face to return to my place

And break it to my master

A nursery maid is not afraid

Of what you people call work

So I made up my mind to go

As a kind of piratical maid of all work

And that is how you'll find me now

A member of your shy lot

Which you wouldn't have found

If he'd been bound apprentice to a pilot

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor