{Music room.}

Come, mighty must

Inevitable shall in thee I trust

Time weaves my coronet

Go mocking is

Go disappointing was

That I am this

Ye are the cursed cause

Ye are the cursed cause

And dead and buried

Be the curst has been

Oh, weak might be

Oh, may might, could, would, should

Oh, powerless ye

For evil or for good

In every sense

Your moods, I cheerless call

Whatever your tense

Ye are imperfect all

Dame Hilda: Excellent, Evadne, I think that song is well worth including in our repertoire.

Dr. Hinge: I agree, dear, now, what was the other one you wanted to rehearse?

Dame Hilda: Well, it was that number that... wait, just a minute, Evadne, there's Teddy Tranter coming up the path. I'd better let him in, dear.

Dr. Hinge: I wonder what he wants.

Dame Hilda: Well, if I open the door, we may find out, dear.

{Door opens.}

Dame Hilda: Well, hello Teddy, what's the matter, dear, haven't we paid our rates yet?

Teddy: No, no, no, Hilda, love. I'm not here in my official capacity as town clerk, I need your help.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I see, you haven't paid your rates, well, come on in then, we're in the music room.

Teddy: Thank you, Hilda, love.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, dear, it's Teddy.

Dr. Hinge: Has he come for a picnic?

Dame Hilda: This way, dear, there we are.

Teddy: Afternoon, Evadne, at the piano, I see.

Dame Hilda: Yes, she finds it difficult to play it from the kitchen, what can I do for you, dear?

Teddy: Well, Hilda, love, I've had something on my mind for a long time.

Dame Hilda: Well, I knew, didn't I say to you, Evadne? I said to you only this morning, Teddy has got something on his mind.

Teddy: Well, this is it in a nutshell. Uncle Pongo.

Dame Hilda: Uncle Pongo, was that on your father's side, Teddy?

Teddy:  No, no, no, Hilda, love, me, Uncle Pongo.

Dame Hilda: I'm sorry, Teddy, I'm not with you.

Dr. Hinge: Uncle Pongo, you haven't been overworking, have you, Teddy?

Dame Hilda: Sounds like too much bell ringing.

Teddy: No, Hilda, love, It all started in the attic.

Dame Hilda: Invariably does, dear.

Teddy: I was looking through Dad's old theatrical truck, you knew Dad had a music hall act, didn't you, Hilda, love?

Dame Hilda: Of course, dear, wasn't his stage name Captain Tremble and Bobby?

Teddy: That's right, that's right, japes and wheezes for all occasions.

Dr. Hinge: We never worked with him, did we, Hilda?

Dame Hilda:  Fortunately, no, dear, when I say fortunately, I mean unfortunately, we saw him, of course, many times, many, many times.

Teddy: He had a marvellous act, didn't he, Hilda, love?

Dame Hilda: Well, he might have done, dear, but we always saw the other one.

Dr. Hinge: Anyway, Teddy, what about Captain Tremble and Bobby?

Teddy:  I've found Bobby.

Dame Hilda: How is he, dear?

Teddy: Well, his head was in a cardboard box and the rest of him was in a carrier bag.

Dame Hilda: Poor, poor Bobby.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, it's only an old dummy.

Dame Hilda:  Yes, but when he was sitting on Captain Tremble's knee, he looked so human, you know, full of life, except when his head fell off, which was quite often.

Dr. Hinge: That was the drink, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: I didn't know Bobby drank, dear, yes, yes, I see, I see what you mean, the Captain, yes.

Teddy: You're exaggerating, it was part of the act when his head fell off.

Dame Hilda: But the part I like best was when his legs fell off.

Teddy: That wasn't part of the act.

Dr. Hinge: Look, Teddy, what is this all about?

Dame Hilda: Yes, come along, tell us, Uncle Pongo.

Teddy: Well, finding Bobby has given me an idea, you see, I am getting on a bit in life now.

Dame Hilda: Yes.

Teddy: Oh, it shows, does it?

Dame Hilda: Yes, I mean, no, of course it doesn't, you're in your prime, aren't you, dear?

Dr. Hinge:  Of course he is, you don't look a day over errm...does he, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Much younger, yes, I mean, I know lots of people your age, Teddy, who are... no, no, come to think of it, Teddy, I don't know anybody your age, no, only joking, dear, only joking, you know, japes and wheezes for all occasions, you were saying?

Teddy: Yes, well, I thought there must be a place in this area for a children's entertainer.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, yes, we see what you mean.

Teddy: As you know, up to now I've only had me conjuring tricks, but now I've got me father's japes and wheezes and Bobby.

Dame Hilda: Yes, some people get too much in life, don't you think?

Dr. Hinge:  And you're going to call yourself Uncle Pongo?

Teddy: Yes, do you like it?

Dame Hilda: Yes, it's erm... where did you get the name from, Teddy?

Teddy: Well, I was looking in the mirror the other day and I thought to myself, I thought, Teddy Tranter, you're a Pongo if ever I saw one.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I wouldn't argue with that.

Teddy: I thought I could put on one of those red noses.

Dame Hilda: What's wrong with the one you've got, dear?

Teddy: Yes, that's a good one, Hilda, I'll put that down with me japes and wheezes.

Dr. Hinge: So obviously you're thinking of dressing up, Teddy.

Teddy: Oh, I think I shall have to, yes, yes, I mean, it's not as though I was funny looking normally.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I mean, no.

Teddy: So, Hilda, love, what do you think about a ginger wig?

Dame Hilda:  For you or me, Teddy?

Teddy: Well, for me, Hilda, you know, one that flies up when you pull a string, you see, I've still got my father's stage suit.

Dame Hilda: Yes, and it looks very nice on you.

Teddy: Oh, no, no, this isn't it, Hilda, love, it's a green jacket, pink baggy trousers and a blue bowler hat.

Dr. Hinge: With a windmill on top.

Dame Hilda: Oh, don't be silly, Evadne, he doesn't want to look ridiculous.

Teddy: I think the kiddies will find me amusing.

Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, but I wouldn't go out late at night, dear?

Dr. Hinge:  The thing is, Teddy, do you know anything at all about ventriloquism?

Teddy: Oh, yes, my father taught me everything he knew.

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear, so it's back to square one.

Teddy:  Anyway, you're probably asking, why am I here telling you all this?

Dame Hilda:  Well, I'm not, Teddy, are you, Evadne? I didn't see your lips move.

Teddy: You see, ladies, I want you to produce me.

Dr. Hinge: Out of a hat, Teddy.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, very good, Evadne, I like that, I wish I'd thought of that.

Teddy: Well, I'll just pop out and bring in me props, as we say in the business.

Dame Hilda: Yes, what business is that, Teddy?

Teddy: Oh, Hilda, you are a tease.

{Later.}

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, why do we have to get involved?

Dame Hilda: Well, it will be fun, dear, helping Teddy.

Dr. Hinge: Well, with him, we're hardly likely to launch a new superstar.

Dame Hilda: I think launch is right, dear, we could hit him with a champagne bottle.

Dr. Hinge:  Now, you're having second thoughts, aren't you, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: No, no, no, no, it's japes and wheezes time again, dear, we could advise him, you know, we could teach him how to make a casual entrance.

Dr. Hinge: We'd do better teaching him how to make a quick exit.

Dame Hilda: To avoid the flying tomatoes, you mean.

Dr. Hinge: Well, we didn't have that experience, did we?

Dame Hilda: No, we didn't, well, I didn't, anyway, we, uh... we shall do the best we can for Teddy and give him the benefit of our theatrical know how.

Teddy: Oh, I'm sorry if I've been a long time, I lost one of me legs.

Dame Hilda:  Really? Well, hop in then, Teddy.

Teddy: Oh, I don't know, you do come out with them, Hilda, love, I meant one of Bobby's legs.

Dame Hilda: I did half suspect that, dear, I'm very observant that way.

Teddy: Well, here he is, little Bobby, isn't he lovely?

Dame Hilda: Well, he will be when you stick his nose back on.

Dr. Hinge: He reminds me of Constable Bolsover.

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear, ha, ha, ha, ha! The other Bobby.

Teddy: Now, come along, Bobby, say hello to Hilda and Evadne.

Bobby: Hello! Hilda and Egagne!

Dame Hilda: Oh, I say, that's splendid! He can't say your name, dear, he can say mine, but he can't say yours, Egagne! You know, it suits you.

Dr. Hinge:  Stupid dummy.

Dame Hilda: You can't blame Bobby, I mean, after all, he's been squashed into a trunk for the past 30 years.

Dr. Hinge:  Pity Teddy wasn't with him.

Teddy: I haven't quite mastered the controls yet.

Dame Hilda: I did notice, dear, I think he's supposed to open his mouth when he speaks, not flap his ears.

Teddy: I shall get the hang of it, Hilda, love, you see, the problem is pulling the right strings.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, well, let me have a look, oh, yes, it does seem very complicated inside there, come and have a look Evadne.

Dr. Hinge:  I'd rather not.

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, no, don't be squeamish, dear, he won't bite, unless I pull the right string.

Teddy: I was thinking of making an entrance with Bobby before I go into me conjuring, you see, it'll have impact.

Dr. Hinge:  Is that where you do your japes and wheezes?

Teddy: Oh, well, I've got to learn the dialogue yet, but it shouldn't take me long. You know, I can just see myself in those baggy trousers, green jacket and blue bowler hat, holding Bobby in one hand and me magic wand in the other.

Dame Hilda: Yes, follow that with your sea lions.

{Later.}

Dame Hilda:  Here we are, Bobby, try your little jacket on.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, you've been wasting your time with that dummy since Teddy left.

Dame Hilda: I've only been sewing buttons on his jacket.

Dr. Hinge: Why couldn't his wife do that?

Dame Hilda: Well, Peggy doesn't know about the dummy yet, Teddy wants to give her a surprise.

Dr. Hinge: I should think shock is more the word.

Dame Hilda: He wants to be word perfect and well-rehearsed before telling her about it.

Dr. Hinge: In that case, it'll be a long time before she knows.

{Phone rings.}

Dame Hilda:  All right, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, Yes, hello, Stackton 295?... Oh, hello, it's you, Donald... yes, how are you, dear?… good, yes, how's Cressida?...yes, yes, yes, really? well, it affects Evadne like that, you know.

Dr. Hinge: What does, dear?

Dame Hilda: Just a minute, dear, I'm talking to the vicar. As I was saying, Donald, it strikes Evadne at the same awkward moment, especially when she's holding a frying pan.

Dr. Hinge: What are you on about?

Dame Hilda: Evadne, dear, I'm still talking to the vicar, please. Sorry about that, Donald, spot of interference, this end, what's that?... oh, dear, heat lumps as well, oh, poor Cressida, she's in a bad way... no, just a moment, I'll ask her, yes, Evadne, do you suffer from heat lumps?

Dr. Hinge: Certainly not.

Dame Hilda: No, no, Donald, she says she doesn't, just the tennis elbow, yes, well, unfortunately she gets it in the knees, they lock, you see.

Dr. Hinge:  They don't, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Of course they do, dear, I've just told Donald about it.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I repeat, I do not have tennis elbow in the knees or anywhere else.

Dame Hilda:  Are you sure, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Of course I'm sure, you're probably thinking of Maud.

Dame Hilda: Am I, dear? Oh, you're probably right... be quiet, Donald, I'm talking to Evadne, you were saying, Evadne...

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I've finished now, I've had my say.

Dame Hilda: Well, I wish you'd told me that before I told Donald we were talking. Donald? Donald? Oh, he's rung off, no, he hasn't, he's there, he's back again, sorry about that, Donald, now, can we start at the beginning again?...Oh, I see, yes, well, I don't see why not...no, no, I don't see any problem, well, look, leave it to us, dear, now, don't worry, we'll volunteer, dear, yes, bye, Donald.

Dr. Hinge: Volunteer for what, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, apparently, he had booked a Punch and Judy show for the Sunday school party.

Dr. Hinge:  Yes, he usually does.

Dame Hilda: Well, he's been let down, so I said we would stand in.

Dr. Hinge: You're not getting me to play Mr. Punch.

Dame Hilda: No, I thought you'd make a good crocodile, you've got such lovely teeth. No, dear, we'll be filling in with a few songs for the kiddies.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, that's all right, then.

Dame Hilda: Wait a moment, Uncle Pongo, what an opportunity for Teddy's debut.

Dr. Hinge: You're not serious, are you, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Of course I am, he has to start sometime.

Dr. Hinge: Why?

Dame Hilda: Well, don't ask difficult questions, dear.

Dr. Hinge:  I think you're throwing him at the deep end.

Dame Hilda: Well, if he can't swim, you'll have to give him the kiss of life.

Dr. Hinge: In that case, let's throw him in the shallow end instead.

Dame Hilda: Won't make any difference to you, will it, Bobby, you'll float whichever end we throw you in​? You know, Evadne, I think I'd make a jolly good ventriloquist, I'll have a go and see what you think.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, don't be silly, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, if you're not interested, I'll see what Milton thinks.

Dr. Hinge:  Yes, Bobby and your budgie have one thing in common, neither of them can talk.

Dame Hilda: Now, Egagne, you're a troublemaker, ha, ha, ha! look at me when I'm talking to you, I’m doing rather well, aren't I? here we are, Milton, this is Bobby, a little friend for you, say something to Milton, Bobby, who's a pretty boy? who's a pretty boy?

Dr. Hinge: It's a good job it's a budgie and not a woodpecker.

Dame Hilda: Milton, Milton, tell Auntie Evadne, she's a naughty girl, {Chirp.} yes, yes, that's right, bless you, darling, you tell her, he's really annoyed with you, dear, {chirp.} yes, oh, look at him. look, he'll be stamping his foot in a minute, now, Bobby, Bobby, is this the string I pull for your mouth? Oh, no. No, that's for something entirely different, never mind, yes, never mind, we can put those back on later, now, Bobby. Bobby, what are we going to sing for the ladies and gentlemen?

Dr. Hinge: And budgies.

Bobby: I would like to sing the Gluegells of Scotland,

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear, I wish I hadn't said that, it hurts.

Dr. Hinge: It didn't do me much good, either.

Dame Hilda:  It's not as easy as I thought, Teddy will have to work hard if he’s to be ready for the party.

Dr. Hinge: He doesn't know about the party yet.

Dame Hilda: Well, we'll have to send Bobby round to tell him.

{Sunday school party.}

Dame Hilda: Thank you, children, quiet, please, now, come along, darlings, quiet, please. Thank you, oh, yes, yes, nice and quiet. that's nice, lovely, you're such well-behaved children, now, let's see if we can hear a pin drop.

{Bang!}

Dame Hilda: Oooh! I didn't say stick it in the balloon, Roger. Now, we must thank Mr. Flathers, who brought the cinematograph and showed us those old films of Popeye, I did think, though, as the films were shown upside down, we should have called him Eyepop, yes. Well, boys and girls, you're now in for a very special treat, here he is, the versatile, the garrulous, the loquacious, the essence of epigrammatic expostulation, I give you your own, your very own Uncle Pongo.

Happy days are here again

Dame Hilda: He's missed his cue! As I was saying, your own, your very own Uncle Pongo.

Happy days are here again

Dame Hilda: Excuse me a moment, boys and girls, a case of jest a minute, Evadne, where is he?

Dr. Hinge: He won't come on, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Of course he will, where is he?

Dr. Hinge: He's just off stage, wrapped up in the curtain.

Dame Hilda:  The silly... Pongo, Teddy! Teddy, what are you doing?

Teddy: I can't go on, Hilda, love.

Dame Hilda: What did he say, dear?

Dr. Hinge: I dread to think.

Dame Hilda: Come on, Teddy, your audience is waiting.

Teddy: Ooooh!

Dame Hilda:  Help me to unwrap him, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Righto Hilda.

Dame Hilda: This is no time to play hide and seek, Teddy.

Teddy: Oh, Hilda, I'm terrified.

Dame Hilda: Nonsense, Teddy, you look fine, your red nose is in the middle of your forehead, but you look fine.

Teddy:  I can't do it, Hilda, love, I can't, I can't.

Dr. Hinge: Now pull yourself together.

Teddy:  I've got stage fright.

Dame Hilda: Just like your father, dear.

Teddy: It's not just me, I mean, look at Bobby, he's shaking as well.

Dame Hilda: If you took your hand out of his back, he wouldn't. Right, that's it, that is it, the show must go on.

Dr. Hinge: What are you going to do, Hilda?

Dame Hilda:  The only thing I can do, Evadne, pass me your red nose, Teddy.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, no.

Dame Hilda:  And your ginger wig.

Teddy: Hilda, love, do you want me to take me baggy trousers off as well?

Dame Hilda:  I don't think so, Teddy, I think they will clash with my twin set.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, how can you possibly do Teddy's act?

Dame Hilda: You are going to help me, dear, get his father's old scripts from Teddy's room, make your face funny, you know, take your make-up off, and just come on and interrupt me.

Dr. Hinge: What do you mean?

Dame Hilda: Well, with his father's jokes, you know, there are pages of them, quickly, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, yes, all right.

Dame Hilda:  All right. Righto, Teddy, off we go, now, is my red nose on straight?

Teddy: Oh, you look lovely, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Pass me the dummy.

Teddy:  Oh, I'm ever so grateful.

Dame Hilda: Right, now just stand there, and send Evadne on to interrupt me as soon as she's got the scripts.

Teddy: All right, Hilda, love.

Dame Hilda: Well, well, well, boys and girls, off we go, what do you think has happened to Uncle Pongo? Well, he's what we call in the trade indisposed. How dare you, Roger, how dare you? He is not drunk at all, I'll tell your father when I see him, anyway, he's asked me to come on and introduce you to him, now, this is Bobby, here we are, now, Bobby, sit on Auntie Hilda's knee. Oh, his head's fallen off, never mind we'll give you an aspirin later, now then, Bobby, you look worried, dear, what's the trouble?

Bobby: I'm gery worried agout Auntie Egagne.

Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, I'm worried about Aunty Ega... I'm worried about Auntie Evadne.

Bobby: She promised to come and gring me some jokes for my guggle act.

Dame Hilda: She promised to come and gring some jokes for your guggle act, a double act, yes.
Well, let's call her, Auntie Evadne! Ah, here she is, not before time.

Dr. Hinge: I say, I say, I say, whereabouts in Teddy's room are his father's scripts?

Bobby: I don't know, Auntie Egagne, whereabouts in Teddy's room are his father's scripts?

Dr. Hinge: I'm asking you, Hilda. I can't find them.

Dame Hilda: Oh, sorry, sorry, dear, now then, Bobby, tell Auntie Evadne where are the scripts for your guggle act, I like that.

Bobby: The scripts are in a carrier gag.

Dr. Hinge: A carrier gag, right, I'll do my gest to find them.

Dame Hilda: Yes and be quick, dear, now then, Bobby, why don't you sing a song for the boys and girls while Auntie Evadne is looking for the scripts?

Bobby: All right. I'll sing that geautiful song, My gonny lies o'er the ocean. 

Dame Hilda: Lovely, thank goodness he wasn't gewitched, goggled and gewildered, off you go, then.

Bobby:

My gonny lies o'er the ocean

My gonny lies o'er the sea

My gonny lies o'er the ocean

Oh gring gack my gonny, to me

gring gack, gring gack….

Dr. Hinge: I say, I say, I say!

Dame Hilda: Thank goodness for that.

Dr. Hinge: Tell me, Bobby, what did Mr. Churchill do to Hitler? Hilda, we can't do these jokes, they're ancient.

Dame Hilda: Be quiet, dear,

Bobby: I don't know, Auntie Egagne, what did Mr. Churchill do to Hitler?

Dr. Hinge: Kick him in the panzers.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I like that.

Dr. Hinge: It's dreadful. Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Don't worry dear, I've had a better idea, now then Bobby, what would you like Auntie Evadne and I to do for the boys and girls?

Bobby: I would like you and Auntie Egagne, to sing a song.

Dame Hilda: What a good idea. Right, well boys and girls, we would like to sing a little song for you where we hope that we'll get to know you all.

Getting to know you getting to know all about you

Getting to like you, getting to hope you like me

Getting to know you, putting it my way but wisely

You are precisely my cup of tea

Getting to know you, getting to feel free and easy

When I am with you, getting to know what you say

Haven't you noticed, suddenly I'm bright and breezy

Because of all the beautiful and new