The American Evening.
{Phone rings.} Dame Hilda: Hello? Stackton 295?... Oh, hello, Donald, it's Donald, dear, nice to hear from you, Donald, how's Cressida?... oh, dear, is she really? Yes, well, of course, sunburn can be very nasty, especially there...well, I know, it happened to the Doctor last year, I mean, there's nothing worse and more annoying than a peeling nose. Now, what did you ring about, Donald?.. Yes, yes, yes, what? what’s that?… what a good idea, Donald, excellent idea, well, in fact, it's such a good idea, I wonder why I didn't think of it. Dr. Hinge: What is it, Hilda? Dame Hilda: Be quiet, Evadne, I'm talking... well, you can certainly rely on us, Donald... well, I know, Evadne, will be delighted to be part of it. Dr. Hinge: Part of what? Dame Hilda: Quiet, dear, I'm talking, have you spoken to a... Oh, you have, well, what about the...oh, yes, you have been busy, well, you can count on us, Donald...yes, well, we'll speak to you later, bye-bye, dear. Dame Hilda: He wants to take you to Paris for the weekend. Dr. Hinge: Now, come on, dear, what was it all about? Dame Hilda: Well, Donald wants us to alter the arrangements for tomorrow's concert. Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I've put some work into it, dear, Donald’s had a marvellous idea, in honour of our American visitor, he has changed the whole format of tomorrow's concert, instead of it being an old English concert, we are making it an American evening. Dame Hilda: We all sit in a circle and chew gum. No, no, no, no, everything about the evening will be American, the food, the dress, even the decor of the hall. Oh, and he wants me, listen to this, listen, he wants me to do the calling for a grand square dance. Dame Hilda: Evadne, that wasn't very nice. Oh, Maud, hello, dear. Dame Hilda: Well, it can't be Barbara, dear, she's in the garden, look. Maud: Oh, well, it's ‘im then, ‘er ‘usband. Dame Hilda: Oh, you mean the English Yankee Doodley. Maud: Well, I don't know what it is, but there's noises comin’ from ‘is room. Maud: Squeakin’ noises. Dame Hilda: Oh, he'll be unscrewing his wooden leg. Dame Hilda: Not on the first floor, Maud, no. Dr. Hinge: Oh, Maud, you've been watching too many American films on television. Dame Hilda: Evadne’s probably right, Maud, I mean, you do tend to believe everything you see on television, now, you mustn't let these old films influence you. You dirty rat! Ha, ha, ha! OK, blue eyes. Ah, do you know, I used to love Jack Bogart. Dr. Hinge: Humphrey, dear. Dame Hilda: Who, dear? Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, yes, but I mean before he changed his name. Maud: Anyway, that don't explain what's causin’ the squeakin’ noises. Maud: But it were frightenin’ Dame ‘ilda. Squeak, squeak, squeak, they were goin’. Frank: Good morning. Dame Hilda: I think she's in the garden. Dame Hilda: Hi, say hi, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: Oh yes, hi. Dr. Hinge: Oh, Maud, really. Frank: What's that, Maud? Maud: Were a bloomin’ big mouse. Frank: I've always wanted to see one of your typical old English concerts. Dr. Hinge: Oh, dear, Dame Hilda: Yes, well, there's been a change of plan, you see, dear, the vicar has decided to honour your visit, Barbara, and make it an American evening. Dame Hilda: Yes, even the food, and we're going to have a square dance, and I, no less, am doing the calling. Barbara: Hey, fantastic! I'll lend you a pair of my jeans to wear. Dr. Hinge: And there's certainly no chance of you getting into Barbara's jeans. Dame Hilda: I'll just stick to my twin set. I'll tell you what we could do, we could lend them our big Union Jack to hang in the hall. Dr. Hinge: Shouldn't it be the Stars and Stripes, dear? Barbara: I think it's great of you to do this for us. Dr. Hinge: Why don't you invite President Carter? Barbara: Hey, look, if I can help in any way... Barbara: No, I mean, say, on the subject of food, I can let whoever's organising it know just what we eat. Dr. Hinge: Oh, we know what you eat, hot puppies. Dame Hilda: Hot dogs, Evadne! You're thinking of those shoes of yours. Dame Hilda: Oh, it's nothing, Barbara, nothing at all, dear, she thought she heard a squeaking noise coming from your bedroom. Maud: I knew it, Dame ‘ilda, ‘e's tunnellin’. Barbara: Frank does 20 press-ups every morning, he's a fitness fanatic, as a matter of fact, he's wanting to get hold of a couple of dumbbells. Barbara: Oh, yeah. I've seen pictures of those penny farthings. Maud: Dame ‘ilda, I've bin thinkin’... Dame Hilda: Good heavens, Maud, really. Dame Hilda: Not on stage, dear, we've six on the committee. Dr. Hinge: Just what did you have in mind, Maud? Maud: Could I tell a joke? Maud: Oh, it's one that Arthur ‘eard in the Rose and Crown. Dr. Hinge: Definitely no. Dr. Hinge: Oh, come on then, get it over with. Maud: It ‘ad me in stitches when my Arthur told it to me. Dame Hilda: Very talented, isn't he? Dame Hilda: Yes. Dame Hilda: Yes? Maud: No, it was the man that went into the pub ‘ad a dog, that's right, this man ‘ad a parrot. Dr. Hinge: Mmm! Maud: Anyway, ‘e sees this poster on the wall and… no, no, sorry, it were ‘is wife who... now, let me get it right, it wasn't a parrot, ‘e'd been ‘ad up for drunk and disorderly, so ‘e goes to this man, not the first man, the other man. Dame Hilda: The other one, yes. Maud: And ‘e said... no, no, it was ‘im who ‘ad the parrot, ‘e went up to it and ‘e said... no, I can't do the accent like ‘e could. Dame Hilda: Yes. Maud: ‘e’d borrowed it from this sailor for a joke, you see. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, a joke Maud: And ‘e said something about a cup final ticket, and the other man said...I can't remember the exact words, but anyway, apparently ‘e got on the wrong train or somethin’ oh, we didn’t ‘alf laugh! Maud: Well, what do you think? Dr. Hinge: None for presentation, none for content and none for… Dame Hilda: I'm sorry, Maud, but I think we have a full programme, you see, Mr Flathers is doing his rope spinning and Mr Duncan is going to yodel. Dame Hilda: I don't think he can, dear, until he gets Mr Flathers' rope round his neck. And then Teddy Tranter is going to do a spot of ventriloquialism. Barbara: I think it's marvellous, this community spirit you have in the village. Dame Hilda: Oh, my dear, they volunteer for anything, especially when the vicar tells them to, anyway, Maud, you'll like this, your Ernie is going to play his trombone. Dr. Hinge: Thank you, Maud. Dame Hilda: So you see, dear, we don't need a comedian. {American evening.} Dame Hilda: Thank you, thank you, Mr Flathers. I'm sure the audience enjoyed that exhibition of rope spinning and yarn spinning, at least the rope was clean. Now...for the next item, I have persuaded Barbara, our friend here from across the sea, bless her, to join me in a duet, ably assisted by my colleague and oldest friend on the piano forte, Dr Hinge. And you know what they say? Don't shoot the pianist, she's doing her best. Dr. Hinge: I beg your pardon, Hilda? Dame Hilda: Just a little Wild West witticism there.
You say either, and I say either. You say neither, and I say neither. Either, either, neither, neither. Let's call the whole thing off. You like potato, and I like potato I like tomato, and you like tomato Potato, potato, tomato, tomato Let's call the whole thing off
Dame Hilda: Of course, you know, Evadne has always been able to syncopate, yes, it runs in her family, syncopation, yeah, that's because she's very good at the twiddly bits, you know. All right, Mr Flathers, you get back there.
You say laughter, and I say laughter You say after, and I say after After, after, after, after Let's call the whole thing off You say vanilla, and I say vanilla You say sarsaparilla, and I say sarsaparilla Vanilla, vanilla, chocolate, strawberry Let's call the whole thing off Let's call the whole thing off
Dame Hilda: Well done, Barbara, bless you, dear. I told you the audience wouldn't throw tomatoes. Now, our next artiste was going to be our good friend Sexton Tweddle, but unfortunately he appears to have lost his trombone mouthpiece. Dame Hilda: And found it again. Dr. Hinge: It’s no good, dear, I knew he would look under that cushion. {Later,} Dame Hilda: Thank you so much, Sexton, for that very nice rendition of whatever you were rendering. Now, ladies and gentlemen, interval time, so pass the Applejack, Big Bill. Or, as we say in English here, refreshments are on sale in the marquee on the Vicarage lawn. Thank you. See you all later. Enjoy the refreshments… Dame Hilda: Come along, dear, this way, well, Maud, we have been lucky with the weather, what a lovely summer evening. Maud: Yes, Dame ‘ilda, and would you like any mustard on yer ‘ot dog, buddy boy? Maud: Well, that's what they say, you know, them Yankee Doodley’s. Maud: Yes, real American ‘ot dogs I'm selling, but don't tell anyone it's French mustard. Dame Hilda: I won't breathe a word. Maud: And German sausage. Maud: ‘owever did you know? Dame Hilda: Just, just a guess, dear, that's all. Barbara: I've been wandering around and you know, all this is just too much. Dame Hilda: Too much what, dear? Barbara: No, the way the whole village has pitched in. Look, they've even laid on hot dogs. Maud: ‘ot dogs! Get yer ‘ot dogs! Fresh ‘ot dogs! Dame Hilda: You can tell she sings in the choir, can't you? Come on, let's go and join Evadne... Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, extremely, because I've always been reticent, you know, I prefer not to boast. Dame Hilda: Yoo-hoo, Evadne. It's all going very well, isn't it? Dame Hilda: Was he really? Very good, yes, did you have anything else to say, Frank? Dr. Hinge: No, he doesn't actually. Frank: I also think your singing is very impressive, Dame Hilda. Dr. Hinge: Didn't I see Barbara with you, dear? Dame Hilda: Yes, but she was ambushed by a tribe of red Indians. Dame Hilda: Yes, they’ve probably got her dancing around that hideous totem pole of theirs. Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: Have you eaten yet, Hilda? Dr. Hinge: Suddenly, I'm not hungry. Now, Hilda, for the second half of the concert, I can do everything... {Second half.} Dame Hilda: Right, ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention, please? Quiet, please, quiet. Yes, thank you, thanks awfully, thank you. Well, welcome back to the old corral for the second half of our...thank you, dear, for the second half of our concert. Now, ladies and gentlemen, here's an opportunity for you all to show your paces in an American square dance, isn't that exciting? Right, now. Yes, yes, you're going to have trouble with that, Scout... Come along, everybody, on the floor, not on your back, Sexton, no, not like that, do get up, you'll make your jacket shiny. The Stackton Parva Hillbilly Mountain Boys, otherwise, Mr Carruthers, the grocer on the fiddle, nothing personal, dear, though. Yes, and Mr Medlock, the butcher on banjo, be a change from plucking all those turkeys, dear, yes, oh, you get someone to do it, I see. And then Dr Evadne has deserted her beloved piano in order to join us in the dance, she's so impetuous. Yes, and Maud will also be doing the light fantastic, being at her best in the do-ze-do. Dr. Hinge: That figures.
Honour your partners and off you go Move to the corners and do-ze-do Progress, progress, round the floor Come back, Maud, and close the door Bow and curtsey, then advance You can't go wrong with the old square dance One step forward and one step back Maud's tripped over the paper rack One to the left and two to the right You did it, Evadne, well, not quite With two left feet, you have no chance To get around in the old square dance Now all together and promenade No, Maud, you can't have lemonade One to the right and one to the rear Cock your leg over the chandelier Evadne, this isn't the Tour de France You can't ride a bike in the old square dance Whirl around with might and mane Maud's beginning to feel the strain Evadne glides with style and grace Oh dear she’s fallen flat on her face. I’ll call a halt to the old square dance I think I'll ring for an ambulance. You've shown that unflagging ambulant But that's the end of the old square dance
Dame Hilda: And now finally, ladies and gentlemen, to end our little concert in a tribute to our friend, say from over the sea, young Barbara, lovely girl. I would like to sing a song from a show we produced here in Stackton Tressel last year. One of our first American productions, a lovely show called Mame. So, Doctor, you'll accompany, won't you, dear? Dr. Hinge: Certainly, dear, yes, of course. Dame Hilda: All right. It's, as I suppose you would say, a little moral.
I've got a little secret I'd like to impart That I hope doesn't give you too much of a start Though it's shocking, it's completely true I know it isn't gossip or rumour of course For I’ve had it from quite a reliable source That I'd like to pass it on to you The man in the moon is a lady A lady in lipstick and curls The cow that jumped over cried Jumping Jehovah I think it's just one of the girls She winks at the stars from her bed of green cheese. That isn't a nightgown It's a Saturn chemise Her friends are the stars. And the planets She says, let me give her one kiss. She sends the big dipper a kiss So don’t ever offend her Remember her gender The man in the moon is a miss
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
