Sir Rupert Murgatroyd His leisure and his riches He ruthlessly employed In persecuting witches With fear he'd make them quake He'd duck them in his lake He'd break their bones With sticks and stones And burn them at the stake This sport he much enjoyed Did Rupert Murgatroyd No sense of shame Or pity came To Rupert Murgatroyd Once on the village green A palsied hag he roasted And what took place, I ween Shook his composure boasted For as the torture grim Seized on each withered limb The writhing dame Mid fire and flame Yelled forth this curse on him Each lord of Ruddigore Despite his best endeavour Shall do one crime or more Once every day for ever This doom he can't defy However he may try For should he stay His hand that day In torture he shall die The prophecy came true Each heir who held the title Had every day to do do Some crime of import vital Until with guilt o'erplied I'll sin no more he cried And on the day He said that day In agony he died As thus with sinning cloyed Has died each Murgatroyd And so shall fall Both one and all Each coming Murgatroyd
Dame Hilda: Oh, I enjoyed that, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: Yes, I'm glad, dear. Dame Hilda: Now, I've got a little surprise for you, just listen to this. ♬Violin scrapes♬ Dr. Hinge: Hilda! what are you trying to do? Hilda, will you listen? I'm talking to you, will you please stop that appalling noise? Dame Hilda: Pardon, dear, just a moment, dear, I'll take the cotton wool out of my ears, I can't lip-read, you see, now, what were you saying? Dr. Hinge: I was saying it's a horrible noise. Dame Hilda: Oh, I know it is, dear, yes, I mean, why do you think I've got cotton wool in my ears? Dr. Hinge: How can you possibly learn to play the violin if you can't hear the notes? Dame Hilda: It's not easy, dear. Dame Hilda: It only cost £2.50 and it looked so forlorn in that box of spanners. Dr. Hinge: And no matter how long you practise, it won't sound any better. Dame Hilda: I'm sure it will from this side, dear. Dr. Hinge: Well, I'm trying to concentrate on the guest list for my Cheese and Wine party. Dr. Hinge: It's a better idea than you learning to play the violin. Dr. Hinge: I wouldn't be surprised, he couldn't play the violin either. Dame Hilda: I could always practise in the greenhouse. Dr. Hinge: Well, I would not object to that. Dr. Hinge: I can't understand why you want to learn the violin at your age. Dame Hilda: What do you mean at my age? Dr. Hinge: Whatever for? Dr. Hinge: There isn't a smell of eau de cologne in my room. Maud: There is now, I broke the bottle on yer dressin' table. Dame Hilda: Could be worse, she could have broken the dressing table, ha, ha, ha! You didn't, did you, dear? Maud: And what was that 'orrible row I 'eard comin' from down 'ere? Dame Hilda: You mean the violin, Maud? Dr. Hinge: Not guilty, Maud, it was Hilda. Dr. Hinge: Oh, well, it sounded very nice, Dame 'ilda. Dame Hilda: Thank you, Maud, you see, Evadne, a music lover. Dr. Hinge: She's tone deaf. Dame Hilda: Yes, but what's that got to do with it, dear? Dame Hilda: No, there's only one, dear, and it's called a bow. Maud: Now, what time do yer want me to set out the cups o' tea for Miss Primley and the vicar? Maud: And do yer want the best china? Dame Hilda: I didn't think we had any left, Maud. Dame Hilda: Well, shall we just leave it to your good taste, dear? Maud: Or would yer rather 'ave the cocoa mugs? Dr. Hinge: Don't forget, Maud, that Miss Primley prefers lemon tea. Maud: Oh, I don't think we've got any lemons, there's a couple o' bananas. Dame Hilda: I don't think so, dear, we don't want her swinging on the chandelier. Dame Hilda: Yes, dear. Maud: Because it's very funny. I'll go and put the kettle on. Dame Hilda: Dear Maud, she's one in a million. Dr. Hinge: Yes, a million what, Hilda? Dr. Hinge: Now, can we get back to my Cheese and Wine party, Hilda? Dr. Hinge: Do you think we can manage 20 in here, Hilda? Dame Hilda: Bottles of wine or guests, dear? Maud: They've arrived. Maud: Miss Primley and the vicar. Dame Hilda: Oh, I was nearly right, dear? Maud: Right, this way, please, vicar, Dame 'ilda and the Doctor will receive you. Dame Hilda: She's a proper Majordomo isn't she? Honeybee, honeybee, Buzzing round a Christmas tree. Dame Hilda: Pardon, Miss Primley. Miss Primley: A Christmas tree, a Christmas tree. Dr. Hinge: Is that what it is? Maud: Do yer want yer tea now, then, Dame 'ilda? Dr. Hinge: Yes, I think so, Maud. Dame Hilda: Yes, you can tell Maud is synonymous with gracious living. Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, I asked you both to call to help me with my party. Dr. Hinge: Oh, splendid, that is kind of you. Miss Primley: I have it here in my carrier bag, there we are, fully matured and absolutely ripe. Miss Primley: It's made from goat's milk, you know. Miss Primley: Plus special herbs, actually, it's the staple diet of Peruvian goatherds living in the mountainous wilderness. Dr. Hinge: Miss Primley, I think it may be a little too strong for my guests. Dame Hilda: That it needs whitewashing. Donald: Yes, yes, indeed, Hilda. Dr. Hinge: And I have a demijohn of my potato wine, which I can decant into small bottles. Dame Hilda: Ha, ha, ha! Dr. Hinge: What are you laughing for, Hilda? Donald: Yes, well, we're off to a good start, now, Miss Primley, what have you got in your cellar? Dame Hilda: Well, bring them along, they can eat your cheese. Dr. Hinge: Well, that sounds lethal. Miss Primley: Well, on the other hand, I don't think it's quite ready. Miss Primley: But I would like to bring along a cheeky little wine I've been experimenting with, for a long time now, I've been trying to do something with conkers. Dame Hilda: Yes, the drink on a string, now that's very... Donald: No, the wine, Hilda. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, it occurred to me that one or two people may not care for homemade wine. Dame Hilda: I'm sure you're right, dear, because I'm one of them. Dr. Hinge: Did you say Brazilian type hock? surely hock comes from Germany, not Brazil. Dame Hilda: Well, a lot of them did go there after the war, dear, they might have taken the recipe with them. Dame Hilda: Oh, as much as that, is it? Dame Hilda: Oh, so they're not small? Donald: Yes. Oh, feet that tremble on the grape Where rabbits run amok Oh, please be kind to butterflies Floating in the milk Miss Primley: I was intoxicated by the mood of the moment. Dame Hilda: That sounds cheaper than buying wine, dear. Dame Hilda: Well, I think if we gave the guests a pound each, we may get a few turn up.
{Village shop.} ♬Bell rings♬ Dame Hilda: Shop! Anybody there? Hello? Hello? Dame Hilda: Nonsense, dear, Mrs Davies is sure to have all we require, and you do get personal service in the village shop. Hello? Anybody there? Hello? Hello? Dr. Hinge: Yes, you always get personal service in the village shop.
Maud: Is someone callin'? Oh, it's you, Dame 'ilda, Doctor. Dr. Hinge: What are you doing behind the counter, Maud? Maud: 'elpin' Mrs Davies. Maud: 'er sister's took poorly, so she's gone to see 'er, and I've taken over for an 'our, she was desperate, you see. Maud: But I'm 'aving trouble. Dame Hilda: Oh, that's not like you, Maud. Dame Hilda: I wonder who that could be. Maud: I mean, a large bag o' potatoes should weigh more than two ounces, shouldn't it? Maud: Then there's the bacon slicer. Dr. Hinge: You haven't broken that as well. Dame Hilda: They have such pretty patterns, too, dear. Dr. Hinge: Not if they like their cakes well oiled. Dame Hilda: But apart from that, I'm sure you're managing very well, Maud. Dame Hilda: Good thinking, Maud. Dr. Hinge: You should have used a bigger tin. Maud: Anyway, I've got it off now, so can I 'elp you? Dr. Hinge: Yes, what time's the next bus to Stackton Parva? Maud: Right, a pound, now, how big a piece will that be? Dame Hilda: Well, cut a wedge off and weigh it. Maud: Right, there we are, now, 'ow about that? Dame Hilda: Maud, I estimate that piece weighs about one ounce. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I am definitely going into Stackton Parva! Dr. Hinge: You haven't been trying to oil those, have you, Maud? Dr. Hinge: No comment. Dame Hilda: No, no, no, no, no, don't bother, Maud. Dame Hilda: Maud, Maud, please, I said don't bother, no, please, please! Maud: Ooooh! Arrggh! {Crash!} Maud: I've 'urt me arm, I think me elbow's locked. Dame Hilda: Well, don't just stand there, Evadne, fetch the oil can. {Cheese and Wine party.} Dame Hilda: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please? Thank you, thank you, thank you, I would like to say how grateful I am that you all attended my Cheese and Wine party. Dame Hilda: I know, dear, what did I say? Dr. Hinge: You said it was your party. Dame Hilda: I've already said that, dear. Dr. Hinge: I know, but I wanted to say it as well. Dr. Hinge: Well, everybody, you have obviously enjoyed the various cheeses because they have all been eaten, well, apart from Miss Primley's own special brand. Maud: Dame 'ilda? Dame Hilda: Yes, Maud, dear. Maud: You won't believe this, Dame 'ilda. Dame Hilda: Oh, I will, dear, I will. Dame Hilda: Well, I thought you might have. Maud: It's yer corkscrew, yer see. Dr. Hinge: Well, get it out, Maud. Maud: Well, I can't, the cork's still in the bottle. Dame Hilda: Maud, how on earth did you do that? Dr. Hinge: I wouldn't ask, Hilda. Dame Hilda: Well, I think you'll have to go in after it and push the cork out from the inside. Maud: I dunno what to do now, cos I'm afraid o' breaking the bottle. Dr. Hinge: It's never worried you before. Dr. Hinge: Give it to me, Maud, I'll hit it against something. Maud: We can't all be Doctors, don't worry, Dame 'ilda. I'll think of somethin'. Dame Hilda: Yes, Miss Primley. Miss Primley: You haven't forgotten about reciting my little poem, have you? Dame Hilda: Yes, dear, I'll come with you.
The Spaniard sips and shouts, Olé The Frenchman murmurs oui to beaujolais The Scot on whisky rather high Reputedly will yell, Och aye The German, going well on schnapps Hits thighs with masochistic slaps. A glass of raki for the Greek And he starts dancing cheek to cheek The Aussie likes his beer in giant schooner He gulps it down at once or even sooner The Japanese enjoys his sake As he sings knick knack paddy wacky. The Hungarian will drink tokay While fiddling chardash twice a day The Russian, after guzzling the vodka Hurls his glass into the fire very oddka The Burmese like a spot of toddy When fishing in the irrawaddy The Italian, soaking in Chianti Will bottom pinch his favourite auntie The Yugoslav adores his Riesling, No wonder he is almost weakling. The Irishman sings praise of Cork As he drinks Guinness in New York The Dutchman swallows gin in wild delight His tulips droop and settle for the night The American, markedly suburban Will talk for hours on just one bourbon The Western cowboy never lingers Drinking rye with measured fingers The Welshman, he has no national booze But takes a drink no matter whose The Englishman drinks lots of bitter And then goes jogging to get fitter And that's enough of that I think So let's all have another drink Dame Hilda: Thank you, thanks, awfully, we come now to our surprise item. Dame Hilda: Yes, quite right Evadne, the one we rehearsed. Dame Hilda: A duet for violin and piano. The Pizzicato from Sylvia by Delibes. Off you go, Evadne. ♬The Pizzicato from Sylvia by Delibes♬ on the violin, played badly. Dr. Hinge: And now another surprise item, I'm going to auction this violin, what have I bid? Maud: 4 pence! Dr. Hinge: Sold to Maud. Dame Hilda: Yes, I think you're right, dear, it was beginning to annoy me as well, best of luck, Maud, keep practising, dear, who knows, one day you may be another George Formby? Dr. Hinge: I think we'd better finish with a song, Hilda.
Fold your wings of love around me Fold them close till they have bound me I'm your slave and your defender I surrender Fold your wings forever sharing Peace and joy beyond comparing Life's true delight has just begun Now our two hearts are one My feet that used to stumble along in fear from day to day Have found at last the road of my dreams Have found the straight highway Loves shining highway Ah, Fold your wings of love around me Fold them close till they have bound me I'm your slave and your defender I surrender Fold your wings forever sharing Peace and joy beyond comparing Life's true delight has just begunNow our two hearts are one
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
