The Cubs And Brownies Day Trip.
Today is Friday and Dame Hilda and the Doctor are looking forward to a pleasant, peaceful day at home. Tomorrow is Saturday, and the Stackton Tressel Cubs and Brownies go on their annual trip to the seaside. Acting as chaperones will be Dame Hilda and the Doctor. They don't know about this as yet, but mark my words, they very soon will.
Dame Hilda: Ah, good morning, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: Good morning, Hilda. Dame Hilda: Doing the crossword, are we? Dame Hilda: You what, dear? Dr. Hinge: Spotting the ball. It's a newspaper competition. Dame Hilda: Ah, I don't recall seeing that before, dear. Dr. Hinge: Well, we've never had this newspaper before. Stupid boy delivered it by mistake. Dame Hilda: Well, what does one have to do? Dr. Hinge: Well, you study this picture. Dr. Hinge: Then put a cross where the ball is. Dame Hilda: Oh, it's as simple as that, oh, come on then, let me see. Evadne, there isn't a ball on the picture. Dr. Hinge: Of course there isn't, Hilda. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, look at the rules. The ball has been obliterated, using your skill and judgment, place a cross where you think the ball might be. Dame Hilda: But it might be anywhere. Dr. Hinge: Of course it might, that's where the skill comes in. Dr. Hinge: Now look, this should help, England versus Scotland, conditions firm, weather dry. Dame Hilda: Oh, well, I'm glad they had a nice day for it. Dr. Hinge: Now, this is my theory, everybody on the field will be looking at the ball, agreed? Dame Hilda: Well, all except him, dear, he's fastening his bootlace. Dr. Hinge: What's the matter? Dame Hilda: Well, using that method, the ball would appear to be in the middle of the obituary column. Dame Hilda: It was a joke, dear. Anyway, I don't see how you can expect that method to work because this bunch of players down here are all facing the wrong way. Dame Hilda: Stick a pin in it, that's the obvious way, stick a pin in it. Dr. Hinge: Couldn't do that, dear, might burst the ball. Dame Hilda: Keeping well clear, of course, of the man bending over to fasten his bootlace. Dame Hilda: Very impressive, dear, but I hardly think the ball is up the goalkeeper's jersey. Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, this isn't getting us anywhere, so if you don't mind, Hilda, I'll do it myself. Dr. Hinge: Yes, I am. It's my competition and I'm putting the crosses there, there, there, there, one there, and there. {Door knocks!} Oh, who on earth is that? Dame Hilda: Oh, it'll be Walter Craddock. Dr. Hinge: Walter Craddock? What's he coming here for? Dame Hilda: Well, I asked him to call and mend that ballcock thing in the bathroom. Dr. Hinge: There's nothing wrong with the ballcock, Hilda, it's worked much better since I wedged that wire coat hanger under it. Dame Hilda: Yes, dear, but you're not exactly a professional plumber, are you, dear? Dr. Hinge: Neither is he. Walter: Hello, Dame ‘ilda. Good morning. Walter: Oh, great. I could just manage a cup o’ tea. Morning, Miss ‘inge. Dr. Hinge: Really? Walter: Yes, I was at the zoo. Dr. Hinge: And how did I compare musically? Dr. Hinge: Oh, I see, so I only looked like him. Dame Hilda: Here's your tea, Walter. Walter: Hey grand, I always say you make the best cup o’ tea in Stackton Tressel. Dr. Hinge: I made it. Walter: Don't worry, I'll still drink it. Dr. Hinge: Hilda meant the milk in your cup, not all over the tablecloth. Dame Hilda: And the newspaper, dear. Dame Hilda: Yes. Oh, well, the weather conditions have certainly changed now, from firm and dry to wet and soggy.
When you had left our pirate fold We tried to raise our spirits faint According to our customs old With quip and quibbles quaint But all in vain the quips we heard We lay and sobbed upon the rocks Until to somebody occurred a startling paradox A paradox A paradox, a most ingenious paradox We quips and quibbles heard in flocks But none to beat this paradox A most ingenious paradox Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha This paradox For cranks and contradictions queer And with the laughter on your lips We wished you there to hear We said if we could tell it him How Frederick would the joke enjoy And so we've risk both life and limb To tell it to our boy A paradox A paradox, a most ingenious paradox We quips and quibbles heard in flocks But none to beat this paradox A most ingenious paradox Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha This paradox
Dame Hilda: I enjoyed that, dear, Dr. Hinge: Yes, is there anything else you want to run through? Dame Hilda: Oh, I don't think so, dear, Dr. Hinge: How long is the Oracle going to be working in the bathroom? Dr. Hinge: Oh, well, that explains it, he'll be asleep
{Phone rings.} Dame Hilda: I'll get it... Stackton 295... Oh, hello, Donald, It's Donald, dear, what's that, Donald?... I can hardly hear you, dear... what's the matter with your voice? Sounds very croaky... Oh, dear, I am sorry. Dr. Hinge: What's wrong, Hilda? Dr. Hinge: What’s wrong now, dear? Dame Hilda: So has Cressida, Donald I say, Donald, these little viruses can't travel along telephone wires, can they?... No, it was a joke, Donald, that's all, dear, Just to cheer you up, and it hasn't, has it? Can we do anything to help, Donald? Would you like me to make you some beef tea? Dr. Hinge: With Donald's appetite, we'd have to boil a bull. Dame Hilda: Evadne, please, Yes... oh, yes... yes yes yes, no! Dr. Hinge: That makes a change Dame Hilda: No, we don't mind at all, Donald, do we, Evadne? Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, she says there's no problem there at all, dear, leave it in our hands Donald... yes, I'll give Mr. Fozzard a ring about the arrangements. But take care, dear, yes, bye-bye, bye-bye, Donald, bye, dear. Dr. Hinge: And what was all that about? Dame Hilda: We're going to Great Yarmouth tomorrow, dear. Dr. Hinge: Oh, how lovely, Hilda. Dame Hilda: Yes, we're taking the Cubs and Brownies on their annual outing. Dr. Hinge: What? Dame Hilda: We're taking the Cubs and Brownies on their annual... Dame Hilda: We are, dear, I've just agreed it all with Donald. Dr. Hinge: You might be taking them, but I am certainly not. Dame Hilda: Evadne, you've just volunteered over the telephone Dr. Hinge: Hilda Bracket, this is the second year running we've been lumbered with the Cubs and Brownies. And it's also the second year running that Donald and Cressida Smollett have been indisposed at the last minute Dame Hilda: Pure coincidence, are you implying that Donald would do such a thing on purpose? Dr. Hinge: No, but Cressida would! Dame Hilda: But Donald has a virus, dear, you see. Dr. Hinge: She probably put it in his cocoa Dame Hilda: Goodness me, it isn't as though there'll be a whole coach full of the little darlings There's only 24 of them. Dr. Hinge: That's four more than last year, and that was 19 too many. Dame Hilda: Look, you can sit with the driver, dear, while I keep them amused. Dr. Hinge: Of course, we could have the coach to ourselves if we put them in the luggage boot. Dame Hilda: They can't help being high-spirited Dr. Hinge: High-spirited! I shall never forgive them for putting seaweed in my sandwiches last year. Dame Hilda: And you ate two before you realised it. Mind you, I think the funniest memory I have is young Peter Teasdale letting down that changing tent while the man inside was......changing. Dr. Hinge: I didn't look, Hilda, Dame Hilda: Oh, neither did I, no, no, neither did I, I just heard about it from somebody. Dr. Hinge: Anyway, if I do go, I go on the understanding that you stick to your offer, you amuse the children, and I sit with the driver. Dame Hilda: It's a deal, Now, I must speak to Mr Fozzard to find out what time the coach is leaving the church hall. Ah, Walter, everything all right, dear? Dame Hilda: Oh, dear. Walter: Some duckegg had jammed a wire coat hanger under it, no wonder it was dripping, some folks have no brains at all Dame Hilda: Yes, well, as long as it stopped dripping. We don't want it to overflow tomorrow. We shall be away all day tomorrow, you see, Walter, we are chaperoning the cubs and brownies on their annual trip Dr. Hinge: A bit old for the cubs, aren't you, Mr Craddock? Dr. Hinge: Hilda! I've changed my mind, I'll amuse the children, you sit with the driver. Dame Hilda: We'll have a marvellous day, won't we, Walter? Walter: We will if they're as lively as the kids I took to the zoo yesterday, hey, they wanted to feed me to the lions! Dr. Hinge: Let's hope there's a zoo in Great Yarmouth. Dame Hilda: Take no notice of her, Walter, she doesn't mean it, and anyway, I think the lions would probably throw you back! {Later.}
Dame Hilda: I think we'll settle down here on this dry stretch of sand, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: Hmm, and am I ready after that nightmare journey? What an incredibly slow driver. Dame Hilda: Yes, there must have been a two-mile queue of traffic behind us at one point, Dr. Hinge: It was a good job, you know, the children couldn't hear what that taxi driver shouted at Walter. Dame Hilda: They heard what Walter shouted back. Dr. Hinge: Let's just hope they didn't understand what he was saying. Dame Hilda: Oh, no chance of that, dear, they were telling him what to say. Dr. Hinge: Well, it's no wonder that the other drivers were frustrated, we could have walked quicker. Dame Hilda: Two hikers actually did. Dr. Hinge: Well, I think Walter was taking caution too far. Dame Hilda: Well, the main thing is, though, that we have arrived safe and sound. Dr. Hinge: And late, according to my calculations, to arrive back home at the scheduled time we should have set off on the return journey 15 minutes before we got here. Walter: Hello, there, ladies Dame Hilda: Ah, look, there is Walter. Dr. Hinge: He's not coming over here, I hope, so embarrassing with his trouser legs rolled up like that. Dame Hilda: He's been paddling, dear. Dr. Hinge: And what's that printed on the front of that stupid hat? Kiss me quick, is it? Dame Hilda: No, actually, I think it's, Who loves you, baby? Dame Hilda: Oh, really? Oh, yes, look, the children are organising a game of cricket, come on, Walter, let's do that instead Walter: No, too strenuous for me I'll go and sit on the prom. I'm beginning to feel a bit travel sick, actually, I think it was the journey, all that hurry and bustle. Dame Hilda: We'll see you at five o'clock then, Walter, back at the coach. Dr. Hinge: Does that give you enough time to get to St Thomas's Parish Church Hall? They're expecting us for tea at six. Dame Hilda: Plenty of time, dear, Good heavens, we have a map, haven't we? Come on, let's organise the children. Yes, Terence, you may bat first. Dr. Hinge: Don't you think that bat is rather large for him, Hilda? Dame Hilda: Of course it isn't, dear, try to keep the handle out of your ear, Terence, Douglas, you can bowl to Terence, Terence, where are you going? Yes, you said you wanted to bat, darling? No, Douglas won't bowl fast, will you, Douglas? No, you won't, Douglas! Dr. Hinge: Now, a nice easy one to start with. off you go. Dame Hilda: Oh, well hit, Terence, very good Douglas, such language... pardon? I don't care if you are Dennis Lillee! That boy is a menace Dr. Hinge: Well, to be fair, he was quiet on the way down here. Dame Hilda: Yes, I know he was practising tying his knots with Susanna's pigtails, Yes, Terence, you can call that one a four. Dr. Hinge: Don't argue, Douglas You know the rules of playing cricket on the beach Dame Hilda: Yes, and it is a four if the ball hits the ice cream man Dr. Hinge: Edward, where did you find that bikini top? Take it back at once! Dame Hilda: Is that wise, dear? Dr. Hinge: What? Oh, I see what you mean, Edward, take it to the lost property office. Dame Hilda: I think Walter had the best idea, sitting on the prom with travel sickness, Never mind, only another four hours to go, dear. Dr. Hinge: Oh, don't, Hilda, I never thought I'd ever long for the comfort of that dilapidated old coach.
{Coach.} Dame Hilda: All right now, quiet everybody, shush, shush, shush, shush, that's it. Desmond, don't stick your head out of the window like that, and stop making that horrible noise Dr. Hinge: I don't think he can, dear. Dame Hilda: What? Oh, Douglas, you naughty boy wind that window down immediately! There, Desmond, keep rubbing the back of your neck, dear, that's it, just get the circulation going again. Dr. Hinge: Oh, Penelope, I know Edward wants to hear the sound of the sea, but you don't push the pointed end of the shell into his ear Dame Hilda: Tracy, Tracy, darling, please, don't drink the goldfish water, let Douglas drink it instead. Right, now let's see if everybody's here. Raise your arms, children, no, Geraldine, there's no need for your legs as well, dear. That's right, now, let me see twelve that side versus eight and ten this side, oh, dear, two missing. Dr. Hinge: Well, I think there are two under that seat over there, dear The Flathers twins. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, making sandcastles, they appear to have brought half the beach with them, I know their father's building business isn't doing so well, but that's carrying things too far. Dr. Hinge: So now there's only one infant missing Dame Hilda: Who's that, dear? Dame Hilda: And here he is, dead on time. Walter: Now then, I brought you a dish o’ cockles. Dr. Hinge: Ooh, not for me, thank you. Walter: No, they’re for Hilda, I brought you a dish o’ whelks, I'm afraid you'll have to share this bottle of stout Dame Hilda: Yes, well, thank you, Walter, lovely thought Walter: Well, are we ready, then? Walter: Right, off we go Dame Hilda: Oh, Walter, could I make a suggestion before we actually get underway? Walter: Aye Dame Hilda: Don't you think you could roll your trouser legs down, dear? Walter: Good, we shall be there in no time at all, then, I'm looking forward to me tea, I'll tell you that.
{Later.} Dame Hilda: Turn left here, Walter, that's it, now left again, dear. Dr. Hinge: Are you sure you know where you're taking us, Hilda? Dame Hilda: Don't worry, Walter, trust in me. Dame Hilda: We are not, Evadne, look at the map. I brought you off this red road here, and now we're on this brown road here, so if we turn right onto this black road, here. Dr. Hinge: We'll sink it's a canal! Dame Hilda: Oh, I see, yes, well, I didn't mean that black road there, I meant this yellow road, here turn right, Walter, good. Dr. Hinge: Why you had to leave the main road, Hilda, I just don't know. We were doing fine until you turned off by that windmill Dame Hilda: Yes, well, you can both apologise in a minute, there's the main road, can you see it? Dame Hilda: Which windmill? Walter: There's nothing wrong with that map, it's a good map, is that? Four miles to the inch Dr. Hinge: Hilda Bracket, it's amazing how you wriggle out of everything! Dame Hilda: Not at all, dear, now I realise we're using inches I know exactly what to do. Now, turn right onto the main road, carry on for 50 yards, stop and ask that policeman. {Church hall.} Dame Hilda: Thank you, thank you, children, quiet, please, please, quiet, quiet, bless you. Well, first of all, I'd like to thank the ladies of St Thomas's for providing such a marvellous feast, and secondly, I'd like to thank the same ladies for keeping the food warm for three hours. No one thought that we were late, but we did have a driver who didn’t know the way. Now, it is traditional to end the day with a sing-song. But before we start pushing the damper in and pulling the Doctor out! It's a joke, dear. The Doctor and I are going to perform a number which the children, bless you, have been asking for all day long. And this is a duet by Monsieur Rossini, and perhaps you'd like to tell them what it's called, would you, dear. Dr. Hinge: Certainly, yes, the title of the song, of course, in the original Italian, Duetto buffo di due gatte Dame Hilda: Yes, well now for those of you whose knowledge of Italian is little more than asti spumante, Translated, that simply means the cat duet. Now, in this, Dr Hinge will be recreating for you one of her best-loved and most convincing roles, that of a ginger Thomas, also a Doctor, and I'll be singing for you the role of a fluffy white Persian kitten. The scene is a garden wall by moonlight when the two cats meet. Ha, ha, ha! Cats meat!
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
