The Enchanting World of Hinge & Bracket. {Pilot}
Announcer: Nestling in the picturesque village of Stackton Tressel is Utopia limited, the home of Dame Hilda Bracket and her lifelong companion, Dr. Evadne Hinge, a Doctor of Music, of course. Dame Hilda: You're very quiet this morning, Evadne. Very quiet. Ooh, very quiet indeed. I don't think I've ever known you as quiet as this, dear? Well, not since the last time you were quiet. Can I tempt you with some prunes, dear? Oh, you are quiet this morning, dear. Well, come on, dear, what's upset you? Dr. Hinge: Nothing. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, there has, I know you of old, dear. Pass me the butter, will you? thank you. Now, come along, let's get to the bottom of it, and the thick cut marmalade, if you don't mind, dear. You can't bottle it up all day. Now, come along, get it out of your system, otherwise it’ll all turn sour inside you. Could I have the cream, dear. Now, come along, it is about tonight's concert, isn't it? Dr. Hinge: You know perfectly well it is, Hilda. Dame Hilda: But, I don’t dear, no, I am sorry, I don't know at all. Pass me a slice of toast dear. Well, come along now, what have I done wrong? Dr. Hinge: What haven’t you done wrong? Dame Hilda: Ooh, it’s as bad is that, is it? Dr. Hinge: I could possibly overlook the fact that your name is in capital letters on the front of the programme. Dame Hilda: Oh, that's nothing to do with me at all. That was the typewriter, dear. That lever keeps sticking. You know the capital letter lever. Dr. Hinge: Mmm.! It never seems to stick when you type my name. Anyway, as I say, I could possibly excuse that, but I can, under no circumstance, excuse item number five on the programme. Dame Hilda: Item number five, well, let me look, dear… Piano solo by Dr. Hinge, Liszt’s Hungarian Rhapsody, Dr. Hinge: Exactly. Dame Hilda: Well, what do you mean exactly? Don't you want to do it? Dr. Hinge: Of course I want to do it, Hilda. It’s my favourite. Dame Hilda: Well, I know that, dear. That's why I put it down. Pass me that clean knife, will you, dear? But I can't see why you should get upset about Liszt’s old Hungarian Rhapsody. No, that one's got jam on it, dear. You play it so well, dear, that's the one, thank you. I mean, I’d no hesitation when I came to item number five. I thought straight away, Liszt’s Hungarian Rhapsody. Dr. Hinge: And that's just the point. Dame Hilda: What point, dear? I'm completely lost. Dr. Hinge: You never asked me. Dame Hilda: Asked you what, dear? Dr. Hinge: Asked me whether or not I wanted to do it. Dame Hilda: But you've just said that you do want to do it. Dr. Hinge: I know I did. I do want to do it, and I'm going to do it. It's just that I was never consulted as to whether I might not want to do it if I felt I might not want to do it. Dame Hilda: And I'm looking forward to you doing it, dear. It was an assumption on my part and I apologise. Dr. Hinge: Apology accepted and yes I will have more prunes. Dame Hilda: Certainly, dear. Dr. Hinge: Have you read Gilbert's card? came this morning, dear. Dame Hilda: Oh, lovely. Dr. Hinge: He's in Bridlington, you know. Dame Hilda: Oh, dear Gil, is it a view of the harbour? Dr. Hinge: No, dear. It's not that kind of card. Dame Hilda: Oh, well, let me see it. Oh. Ooh. Ha ha ha! I don't understand it, dear. Dr. Hinge: No, neither do I. Dame Hilda: Well, I don't think we should show it to Maud though, just in case it's rude. Dr. Hinge: Oh. We're not having the dubious pleasure of her company today, are we? Dame Hilda: Who, dear? Dr. Hinge: Maud! Dame Hilda: Now, dear, there's no need to be like that. She's a great help to us with our little concerts and helping with the catering and so forth. Dr. Hinge: And how many wine glasses did she break last time? Dame Hilda: Yes, I know, dear, but her heart is in the right place, you know. Dr. Hinge: And I'm not rehearsing that duet when she's here, breathing down my neck and turning the music over two pages at a time. Dame Hilda: Well, that gives us about five minutes because she's bringing the shopping at 11.30. Tom's dropping her off on his motorbike. Dr. Hinge: Right then. Well, let's have a quick run through before she arrives. Dame Hilda: Well, come on then. Now, bring your prunes with you. Let me open the door, dear, we don't want prune juice on the hall carpet. Ooh, it's a bit chilly in here. We better ask Maud to light a fire as soon as she comes. Ooh, look at poor Milton, feathers all ruffled, who’s a pretty boy then. Oh, you’re very quiet this morning, Milton. Very quiet indeed, have a prune! he’s not saying anything, dear. Dr. Hinge: Mm-hmm. He's probably saving it for the middle of the Hungarian Rhapsody, dear. The last time we had a concert, he ruined my Appassionata. Dame Hilda: Well, all right, dear. Now, let's get on. Now, are you going straight in or do you want me to warm up to it with a couple of cadenzas? Dr. Hinge: Straight in, I think, dear. Dame Hilda: All right, well, off we go, then.
So go to him and say to him With compliment ironical Sing Hey to you Good-day to you And that’s what I shall say Your style is much too sanctified your cut is too canonical Sing Booh to you Pooh, pooh to you And that’s what I shall say I was the beau ideal of the morbid young aesthetical To doubt my inspiration was regarded as heretical Until you cut me out with your placidity emetical Sing Hey to you Good-day to you And that’s what I shall say Sing Booh to you Pooh, pooh to you And that’s what I shall say Sing Hey to you Good-day to you {Hey!} Sing Bah to you Ha, ha to you {Good-day!} Sing Booh to you Pooh, pooh to you {Bah!} And that’s what you should say/And that’s what I shall say Sing Hey to you Good-day to you {Booh!} Sing Bah to you Ha, ha to you {Pooh, pooh!} Sing Booh to you Pooh, pooh to you {Bah!} And that’s what you should say/And that’s what I shall say Bah! Booh! Bah! Booh! And that’s what you should say/And that’s what I shall say Bah! Booh! Bah! Booh! And that’s what you should say/And that’s what I shall say Dr. Hinge: Very nice dear, I like that! Dame Hilda: Thank you, dear. Well I slip a bit in when I can, you know. Dr. Hinge: I know you do dear. I’ll tell him that unless he will consent to be more jocular Sing Booh to you Pooh, pooh to you And that’s what you should say To cut his curly hair and stick an eyeglass in his occular Sing Bah to you Ha, ha to you And that’s what you should say To stuff his conversation full of quibble and of quiddity To dine on roly-poly pudding with avidity He’d better clear away with all convenient rapidity Sing Hey to you Good-day to you And that’s what you should say Sing Booh to you Pooh, pooh to you And that’s what I shall say Sing Hey to you Good-day to you {Hey!} Sing Bah to you Ha, ha to you {Good-day!} Sing Booh to you Pooh, pooh to you {Bah!} And that’s what you should say/And that’s what I shall say Sing Hey to you Good-day to you {Booh!} Sing Bah to you Ha, ha to you {Pooh, pooh!} Sing Booh to you Pooh, pooh to you {Bah!} And that’s what you should say/And that’s what I shall say Bah! Booh! Bah! Booh! And that’s what you should say/And that’s what I shall say Bah! Booh! Bah! Booh! And that’s what you should say/And that’s what I shall say
{Motorcycle arriving!} Dame Hilda: Just made it dear, Maud’s arriving. Dr. Hinge: Now just look at her on the back of that motorcycle, she looks ridiculous! Dame Hilda: Yes, I do wish she'd sit in the side car, she's not built to straddle. Well, if we let her in through the French windows... This way, Maud, we're in here, dear.
Dr. Hinge: Straight across the flowerbed, dear. There's two delphiniums and an aster gone. Dame Hilda: Poor thing. She's probably forgotten her glasses, come in, dear. Maud: Oh, what a terrible time I've ‘ad. Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, Dame ‘ilda, My sprouts ‘as been all over the ‘igh street. The bottom fell out of me carrier bag, see? And I couldn't get yer any potted shrimps, so I got yer ‘alfa pound ’o custard creams instead. Dame Hilda: Oh, lovely dear. Maud: There was four p off the washing up liquid but I didn't bother, cos I got yer six last week. Oh, by the way, you'll find some of the eggs is broken. Tom went over a pot hole, see? Ooh, I should have sat in the sidecar with the eggs and my feet's no better. Dame Hilda: Oh, well, never mind, Maud. Oh, yes, all two dozen of them. Scrambled eggs for supper, dear. Oh, dear, you seem to have broken the jar of pickled onions as well, Maud, what a pity you put it in the same bag as the chocolate cake, and the soap flakes. Never mind, dear, it could be worse. Maud: Doctors very quiet this morning. Very quiet indeed. Dr. Hinge: Words fail me. Maud: Yes, well, I'd noticed that. That's why I said yume very quiet this morning. Oh, and by the way I dropped the butter. Dame Hilda: Oh, well, never mind, dear. It would be wrapped up. Maud: Well, it were, but Tom ran over it with his front wheel. Dame Hilda: Oh, dear. Maud: And then I trod on it, now I'll ‘ave to wash me slippers. Dame Hilda: Well, never mind, Maud. You can carry on the good work by lighting a fire in here, if you would, dear. Dr. Hinge: Well, as long as our insurance is paid up. Maud: Well, I'd better go down the cellar for some coal, then. I won't be long. Dame Hilda: Well, do be careful going down the cellar steps in those buttered slippers, Maud. We couldn't manage without you, you know. Dr. Hinge: We could try. Maud: Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, she's hopeless. Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I think we ought to be getting on. Tempus fugit and all that, we don't want to be rushing about at the last minute. Dr. Hinge: Yes. Because you've got all the shopping to do again, haven't you? Thanks to Maud. { Later!} Dr. Hinge: Do stand still, dear. I can't pin this hem if you fidget. Dame Hilda: Sorry, dear. Ooh! Dr. Hinge: Was that your leg, dear? Dame Hilda: Well, don't worry, I've got another one. Dr. Hinge: There we are. Hilda? Dame Hilda: Yes, dear. Dr. Hinge: Can you smell something? Dame Hilda: Well, only mothballs, dear. Dr. Hinge: No, no, smells like burning. Dame Hilda: Well, from next door garden perhaps? Dr. Hinge: No, I don't think so, a sort of smokey smell. Dame Hilda: Well, come on, then, let's investigate. Dr. Hinge: Ooh, Hilda. There's smoke pouring out of the drawing room door! Oh, my piano! Dame Hilda: Well, never mind your piano, dear, what about Milton?
Dr. Hinge: It's the silly chimney that's smoking again. I knew we shouldn't have had that sweep that Maud recommended. Dame Hilda: Well, open the window, dear. Oh, Milton, where are you, boy? Oh, Evadne, look, he's laid out on the bottom of his cage. Ooh, I think he's dead. Dr. Hinge: Bring him to the window, dear. Dame Hilda: Oh, now here you are, come along, dear, give him the kiss of life. Dr. Hinge: I'm not giving him the kiss of life, he's your budgie. Dame Hilda: Yes, I know, dear, but you've got a smaller mouth than I have. Oh, come on, Evadne, blow up his nose or something. Dr. Hinge: Very well. Dame Hilda: Not as fast as that, dear, you'll inflate him. Dr. Hinge: Oh, do it yourself. Dame Hilda: Oh, come on, Milton, breathe for mummy. Oh, look, Evadne, look, his little chest’s going up and down. Dr. Hinge: Thank goodness for that. Well, now that we've saved Milton, let's try and remove the soot and smoke from the room. Otherwise, you'll have to give the kiss of life to the audience. {Later. Dame Hilda: Ah, Dorothy! How nice to see you, dear, do come in. Ooh, you've brought a new friend, as usual. Mrs…. Oh, Miss Foster, yes, it would be. Well, I'm Dame Hilda Bracket, dear, how do you do, do sit down. Dr. Hinge: And I'm Dr. Hinge. Dame Hilda: Well, of course you are, dear. Yes, this is Dr. Hinge my lifelong companion. Dr. Hinge: Who you sometimes overlook, dear. Dame Hilda: Yes, oh, Vicar, and Mrs. Smollett. Ooh, how kind of you, home made sausage rolls, are they? Oh, they're chocolate eclairs, yes, of course they are. Oh, you must let me have the recipe, if there is one. Oh, I wouldn't sit near the potted palm, Vicar, the green fly get everywhere. Oh, I see you like the feel of that wicker chair, yes, I know what you mean. Dr. Hinge: There's someone else just come in, dear, Doris. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. Now, you all know Doris, our village midwife. Dr. Hinge: A very appropriate late arrival, dear. Dame Hilda: Oh, dear, very good. Yes, I like that, wish I had thought of it. Sit down, Doris. Should I boil you some water, dear? Well, now, before we embark upon another of our musical soirees, I must apologise for the absence of a fire and the rather smoky atmosphere. Dr. Hinge: Yes, we seem to have proved there can be smoke without fire, you see. Dame Hilda: Most amusing, dear. Now, you see, our dear friend, Maud, well, now, she did light a fire, but due to a recalcitrant chimney, we had the choice of putting out the fire or doing an Al Jolson medley. You know, the black face, you know, the minstrel chappie. Oh, well, never mind, yes. We would like to sing a lovely piece for you from the finale of Act 1 of the Gondoliers by Gilbert and Sullivan. And this is a quartet arranged for two voices. Entitled, Oh, tis is a glorious thing, I ween. Dr. Hinge: To be a regular royal queen.
Then one of us will be a Queen And sit on a golden throne With a crown instead Of a hat on her head And diamonds of her own With a beautiful robe of gold and green I’ve always understoooooood Dr. Hinge: lovely note, perfection! Dame Hilda: Thank you very much dear, well the acoustics in here are very good. Dr. Hinge: I know they are, you see I’ve got one coming up in a minute! Dame Hilda: God moves in a mysterious way! I wonder whether She’d wear a feather {I wonder?} I rather think she should Oh, ‘tis a glorious thing, I ween To be a regular Royal Queen No half and half affair, I mean No half and half affair But a right down regular Regular, regular Regular royal Queen She’ll drive about in a carriage and pair With the king on her left hand side And a milk white horse As a matter of course Whenever she wants to ride With beautiful silver shoes to wear upon her dainty feeeeeeeet Dame Hilda: Very nice indeed dear. That’s the other lovely note, very reminiscent of Lilian Baylis I thought! Dr. Hinge: She didn’t sing dear? Dame Hilda: No, but she played a very good banjo! With endless stocks Of beautiful frocks And as much as she wants to eat Oh, ‘tis a glorious thing, I ween To be a regular Royal Queen No half and half affair, I mean No half and half affair But a right down regular Regular, regular Regular royal Queen Oh, ‘tis a glorious thing, I ween To be a regular Royal Queen A right down regular Royal Queen
Dr. Hinge: Hilda, what's Maud doing? Dame Hilda: What? Oh! Maud: I've bin and lost the cucumber, so I ‘ad to use fish paste and this bread's too fresh, so I've ‘ad to cut it a bit thick. I would ‘ave used yesterday's but you used yesterday's this morning. It would ‘ave been alright tomorrow this bread. And the sink's bin and got blocked up. Dame Hilda: Oh, has it, and what blocking up the sink, the lost cucumber? Maud: No, them pickled onions. Dame Hilda: Pickled onions in the sink, dear?
Maud: Well, I were washing the chocolate cake off ‘em. Dr. Hinge: Maud, you were supposed to bring the refreshments at the interval. Maud: Well, isn't it the interval now? Dame Hilda: Well, no dear, we've hardly done anything. Maud: Well, I've been very busy. I ‘ad to clean all that jam off the kitchen floor as well. Dame Hilda: What jam? Maud: Well, the jam I dropped when the milk boiled over. Anyway, I shovelled everything up, you know, and put it in the bin with the broken plates and... oh, I just remembered where the cucumber is. Dr. Hinge: Well, why don't you go and get it and... Dame Hilda: Come back at the interval, dear? Maud: Right, but dunny blame me if they sandwiches dry up. Dr. Hinge: Just as long as you do, dear. Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I must apologise for that little contretemps, but on with the show. {Crash!} Dame Hilda: Oh, what was that? Dr. Hinge: I think it's Maud doing an encore, dear. Dame Hilda: This piece we are going to sing for you now is a lovely duet for two voices. And this comes from Act 2 of Patience by Gilbert and Sullivan. And first of all, we meet Lady Jane, an elderly Spinster. Dr. Hinge: An elderly ugly Spinster. Dame Hilda: I think that remark was a little uncalled for, dear. Dr. Hinge: I quote the libretto, of course. Dame Hilda: Of course! Played by myself without the aid of makeup, but very clever lighting. She's joined by Reginald Bunthorne. Dr. Hinge: A fleshly poet. Dame Hilda: Correct!
Dame Hilda: Well, I hope you enjoyed the refreshments. I'm sorry the interval was so late, but, you see, Maud had to go to the village hall to replace the crockery she borrowed from the scout hut, which unfortunately fell out of Tom's sidecar when she was bringing back to replace the... well, you know what I mean, Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I think we should get on, you know. It's 20 past six. Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, yes. Well, now, before we enter the final musical piece, as it were, oh, yes, yes, good night Mrs. Pangbourne-Flitch, thank you for coming, dear. And we have been asked to make one or two announcements. First of all, the results of last Saturday's garden fate held in the vicarage garden, a lovely place for it, and what a tremendous success it turned out to be, despite the sudden downpour, and the lightning striking the maypole of course. Dr. Hinge: And of course, our thanks to Mrs. Smollett for donating a homemade fruitcake to be raffled, and this was won by Mrs. Collins, who took it home for her tea. Now, Mrs. Collins had intended being here tonight, but the nurse said she needed a few more days rest. Dame Hilda: And the darts competition was won by our local blacksmith. Well done, Brian. Those nights in the Red lion weren't wasted, were they, dear? or so the bar maid informs me. Dr. Hinge: Now, the ladies in charge of the tea tent raised a magnificent 54 pounds, 75 pence. Bravo. Now, I understand this could have been much more, but someone stole the tea bag. Ha ha ha! The tea bag? Dame Hilda: Another one of your witticisms, dear. Now, the competition to guess the name of the doll. Now, this proved very popular indeed, and the winner was Sexton Tweddle, who correctly guessed that the name of the doll was Isabella, Catarina, Francesca, Delores, Fatima, Melissa, Bertha, Constance, Angela, Fortescue-Smithe. Well done, Sexton, dear. Yes, an excellent guess. Oh, and please convey our thanks to your wife, Gudrun, for running the competition. And now, altogether, the sum of 362 pounds was raised. Isn't that wonderful? And presented to the curate, and he put it all very safely in his little tin box. And he said he would go ahead with renovating the church hall directly, he returns from his holiday in Bermuda. And your turn dear, the bells, the bells, Henry Irving, dear. Dr. Hinge: Now, next week's County Bell Ringing Championship is causing a lot of excitement. Our team are rehearsing most evenings, as we're all aware. Dame Hilda: And our captain, Cyril Garside, is looking forward with anticipation to demonstrating his triple bob major. Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, he hasn't run the bell for several years, to my knowledge. Dame Hilda: And finally, I have been asked to mention the next bring and buy sale, which is Saturday week. So if any of you have anything you wish to get rid of. Dr. Hinge: Well, we could put Maud on the white elephant stall, dear. Dame Hilda: Well that’s a little bit unkind, dear. Well, now I think that's all. Dr. Hinge: Haven't you forgotten something? Dame Hilda: No, I don't think so, dear. Dr. Hinge: The wedding! Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. Oh, how clumsy of me. Great excitement, yes, we've just heard that Mrs. Blenkiron’s lovely daughter, Marigold, sweet girl, she is to marry Mr. Henry Craythorne, you know the well known collector of antiques. And... I'm sure that you all remember, dear Marigold selling kisses at her mother's garden party last year. Dr. Hinge: Yes, she ran at a loss, didn't she, dear? Dame Hilda: Yes, well, now, on with the show. What we would like to finish off with, for you, is a lovely piece by Rossini. Now, perhaps you'd like to introduce it, would you dear. Dr. Hinge: Certainly, dear. The title of the song, of course, in the original Italian Dame Hilda: Of course! Dr. Hinge: Duetto buffo, di due gatti. Dame Hilda: Now, for those of you whose knowledge of Italian is little more than Asti Spumante, translated, that simply means the cat duet. Now, in this, Dr. Hinge will be recreating for you one of her best loved and famous roles, that of a ginger Thomas, also a doctor. And myself, I shall be singing for you the role of a fluffy white Persian kitten. And the scene is a garden wall at moonlight when the two cats meet. Ha ha ha! Dr. Hinge: What’s up now? Dame Hilda: Cats meat! Ha ha ha! Never mind, dear. Dr. Hinge: The cat duet. Dame Hilda: By Rossini. Dr. Hinge: I said that.
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
