The Gymkhana.
It is almost a week since Dame Hilda and the Doctor returned home from their Mediterranean cruise. Restored and refreshed, they are in the throes of organising the Stackton Tressel Village Gymkhana to be held this coming Saturday. Whilst on the cruise, the ladies invited their holiday acquaintance, Brigadier Roland Baines, to present the prizes at this annual affair. He readily accepted and is arriving tomorrow, Friday, to stay the weekend. {Drawing room.} Dame Hilda: Who was it at the door, dear? Dr. Hinge: Sexton Tweddle, Hilda. He's brought the posters he's done for the Gymkhana. Dr. Hinge: He apologised for being so late but he said he only had eight months notice. Dame Hilda: Yes, well that gives us one day to spread them round the village. Dame Hilda: Do you mean it's taken him eight months to do two posters? Dr. Hinge: Well, apparently he mixed his own paint this time, you see, and it took seven months to dry. Dr. Hinge: Well he was in a hurry, dear, he said he was late for the youth club. Dr. Hinge: He has to open up the church hall. Dame Hilda: Oh yes, and then he has his other duties, hasn't he? Now what is it? Regional coordinator of the sports and leisure services committee. Dr. Hinge: Yes, what exactly does that entail? Dame Hilda: Has he? Well it looks wrong. Dame Hilda: Yes, but it's no good it being right, Evadne, if it looks wrong. I'd rather have it spelt wrong as long as it looks right. Dame Hilda: Now let's press on. To be opened at 2.30pm by a well-known personality. Oh, I think Roland will like that. Oh dear, sock race? Dr. Hinge: Sack race, dear. Dr. Hinge: No, it's all right, dear. Mrs Percival isn't entering. Dr. Hinge: Now, where do you think we should put the posters, Hilda? Dr. Hinge: Poor old Sexton, he means well. {Phone rings.} Dame Hilda: I'll get it, dear. Stackton 295, Dame Hilda: Hilda! Roland: Oh, so sorry. Hello, Hilda, Roland here. Roland: My word, yes. Dame Hilda: Pardon, dear? Dr. Hinge: Ask him if his legs have stopped peeling. Roland: Oh, yes, rather. At least they had the last time I saw them, back to normal, off-white. Dame Hilda: Oh, we are looking forward to seeing you, Roland. We've been airing your bed for the last three days. Roland: Oh, dear, oh, that is a pity, Hilda, because, well, I'm afraid I won't be able to make it. Roland: No, no. I mean, I can't make the Gymkhana. Dame Hilda: Oh, dear. He can't make the Gymkhana, dear. Dame Hilda: What's happened, Roland? Dame Hilda: Oh, Roland, that's terrible. Roland: Oh, good. Well, as long as it doesn't inconvenience you. Dame Hilda: Bye-bye, Roland. Roland: My love to Hilda! Dr. Hinge: I don't know, dear. Dame Hilda: Who can we get to replace him? Dame Hilda: Oh, we couldn't ask her, dear, she's expecting twins at any moment. Dr. Hinge: Hilda. I've just had a brilliant idea. Dame Hilda: Oh, well, come on, then, dear, let's hear it. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, yes, indeed. Oh, he'd be perfect Evadne, such a gentleman. Dame Hilda: What's no good? Dr. Hinge: Oh, did he? Dr. Hinge: Very. Dame Hilda: Yes, I knew you'd be pleased. Now, where's me handbag? Now, then, here we are, it's on the back of this picture postcard of the ship. Dame Hilda: Oh, I did. He gave it to me personally. Dame Hilda: I'm not a fool, dear. Roger: Hello, Roger Frobisher. Roger: I say that's even better. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, how's he going to get here? He doesn't know where we live. Dame Hilda: Oh, he does, dear, he has our address. Dame Hilda: Yes, dear. I gave it to him in Parma. Dame Hilda: And our telephone number. Dr. Hinge: I see. And I suppose that's where he told you his first name was Roger? Dame Hilda: No, dear, that was Naples. Dr. Hinge: Message understood. Roger and out. {Tomorrow.} Dr. Hinge: Another cup of coffee, Captain? Roger: Are you having another, Hilda? Roger: Good, yes. So will I, then. I do wish you'd call me Roger, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: Oh, thank you, thank you very much, Roger. Roger: Well, I thought I'd beat the traffic. Dr. Hinge: You nearly beat the milkman. Dame Hilda: Perhaps we could go out for a little spin after lunch. Roger: But of course. Dame Hilda: Unfortunately, dear, it's only a two-seater. Dr. Hinge: Well, that's all right, dear, you'll be able to go another time. Roger: Oh and before we go any further, let me show you these photographs, came yesterday. Dame Hilda: Oh, look Evadne, it's you and me and Roland at the ship's fancy dress ball. Dame Hilda: No, you didn't get on, really, did you? Dame Hilda: What? Oh, no, no. I mean, it's not as though he knows where we live, or even has our telephone number. Dr. Hinge: Oh, very sporting! Roger: Now, look, let's talk about more pleasant things. You know, one of the attractions of coming here was the opportunity of hearing you sing again. Dame Hilda: Yes, but as a rule, you see, dear, we don't usually sing before half past ten in the morning. Dr. Hinge: But it is twenty to eleven, dear. {Music room.} Dame Hilda: Well, Roger, I hope you like this one, because it's a modern one, you know. We don't do the modern things very often. It's from South Pacific. And it's when we revived the show in Stackton recently, and I played Bloody Mary. It's a very lovely song. Make yourself comfortable there, dear, and you'll see it tells a story. It's rather pretty. All right, dear?
Happy talkin’ talkin’ happy talk Talk about things you like to do You've got the have a dream If you don't have a dream How you gonna have a dream come true Talk about a ball floating in the sky Looking like a lily on a lake Talk about a bird learning how to fly Making all the music he can make Talk about things you like to do You've got the have a dream If you don't have a dream How you gonna have a dream come true Peeking through the branches of a tree Talk about a girl, talk about a boy Counting all the ripples on the sea. Talk about things you like to do You've got the have a dream If you don't have a dream How you gonna have a dream come true Golly baby, I'm a lucky cus Talk about a girl saying to the boy You and me is lucky to be us Talk about things you like to do You've got the have a dream If you don't have a dream How you gonna have a dream come true And you never have a dream Then you never have a dream come true It's good idea. You like
Roger: Absolutely first class, ladies. Dr. Hinge: Oh, I'll go, dear. It's probably Mrs. Smollett with the church magazine. I'm coming! Good morning. Roland? Roland: Hello, Evadne. Surprise, surprise, what? Dr. Hinge: Roland, what are you doing here? Roland: Regimental reunion. Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, yes, well, um... Roland: And I can tell you're pleased to see me. Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, yes, Roland, of course. Roland: Well, aren't you going to invite me in? Dr. Hinge: Yes, oh, yes, come in, Roland. Roland: Thank you, now then where's Hilda? What? Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, I can't take you in there, you see. Roland: Good heavens, why not? Roland: Good Lord, I say, she's not trapped in there, is she? I mean, surrounded by rotting timber? Roland: I see. A new variety, is it? Roland: I say, I will be safe in here, won't I? Dr. Hinge: Mrs. Woodworm. Wood? Dr. Hinge: Mrs. Wood, the plumber. Dame Hilda: But I don't know a Mrs. Wood, the plumber. Dr. Hinge: No, dear, but I do. Hilda, would you come into the hall for a minute? Dame Hilda: We're not flooded, are we? Dr. Hinge: Oh, no, no, no, you stay here with your cricket bat with the dry rot. Hilda, will you please come into the hall? Dame Hilda: Evadne, what is the matter? Dr. Hinge: I want you to come into the hall and look at the wallpaper. Dr. Hinge: Yes, but there's a bit you haven't seen. Please, Hilda, it is important. Dame Hilda: Very well, dear, excuse me, Roger. Evadne, you really are behaving most strangely. Dr. Hinge: Go into the dining room, Dame Hilda: Whatever for? Dr. Hinge: Go into the dining room. Roland: My dear Hilda, how are you? Dame Hilda: Roland! Roland: I've explained it all to Evadne. Arthur got the dates wrong, you see. I say, would either of you care for a peculiarly strong mint? Roland: Sorry to hear about the dry rot. Dame Hilda: Dry rot? Dame Hilda: Evadne? Dr. Hinge: Yes, dear? Dr. Hinge: Do you want me to look at the wallpaper, dear? Dame Hilda: Yes, dear. Dame Hilda: Evadne, what are we going to do? Dame Hilda: Well, if this dry rot spreads, it may well happen. Dame Hilda: Well, we must keep them apart at all costs. I should hate Roger to administer a sound thrashing to Roland. Dr. Hinge: Oh, I don't think there's much chance of that, dear, Roland is much stronger than he looks, you know, he's very muscular. Dame Hilda: How do you know? Dr. Hinge: He told me in Naples. Dame Hilda: Oh, Roger. Roger: I was a little worried about you. Roger: What? Oh, yes, yes, of course, why? Dame Hilda: It's the plumber. Roger: Oh, I see, what's he doing? Dame Hilda: What's he doing? Yes, Evadne, what's he doing? Roland: Everything all right, Evadne? Good heavens, Captain Frobisher! Roland: Ah, terribly nice to see you again, Captain. Would you care for a peculiarly strong mint? Roland: Don't know what you're missing? Roger: May I ask why you are here, sir? Roland: I am here, sir, to present the prizes of the Gymkhana tomorrow. Roger: And I am here, sir, to do exactly the same thing. Roger: Ladies, I refuse to stay in the same house as the man who almost wrecked my ship. Dame Hilda: Would anybody like to... Roger: How you ever managed to command a regiment is completely beyond my comprehension. Roland: How dare you, sir! I'll have you know that my regiment was the pride of the line. And you, sir, would have lasted a week under my command. Dame Hilda: Would anybody like to... Roger: You're like anybody else I've ever met in the army. A tin-hatted, parade-ground pongo. Roland: And you, sir, are typical of the navy. All pink gins and white shorts, spending all day looking through binoculars at stupid seagulls. Roland: Sir! {Later.} Dr. Hinge: So, as you can see, gentlemen, we were in a cleft stick, and that's why I had to invent the story about the dry rot and the woodworm. Dame Hilda: Now, there's only one other slight snag, we've only one spare bedroom prepared. Roger: Out of the question. Hilda, is your attic habitable? Roland: Evadne, is your cellar dry? Dr. Hinge: We must rehearse. Roger: Oh, in that case, I shall stay and listen to you. Roland: Perfectly happy. Roger: So am I. Dame Hilda: Don't they look sweet, dear? Perhaps we should give them a plum pie each. If you're ready, Evadne with your pianoforte? Dame Hilda: Thank you, dear.
Far, far away where the clouds hover low I heard a cry like a bird in the snow Soft was my answer Have comfort my dear Why waste a moment When April is here Fly home little heart Although the way be long Your wings are brave and strong Fly home where you belong I know little heart How lonely you must be So far across the sea So fly little heart Fly home to me Soon as the dusk brings the end of the day Wistful and sweet rings that song far far away Out of the silence a voice through the foam Yearning for love and the old times at home Fly home little heart Although the way be long Your wings are brave and strong Fly home where you belong I know little heart How lonely you must be So far across the sea So fly little heart Fly home to me Fly home, dear heart Fly home to me
Roger: That was very good, ladies. Roland: And what do you mean, very good? It was excellent. Roland: And what do you know about music, anyway, sir? Roland: Ha! I started, sir, when I was five. Dr. Hinge: Oh, what a good idea. Cricket bats at three paces. Roger: And so am I, sir. Dame Hilda: Well, what about doing it at the Gymkhana tomorrow? Do you fancy guessing the weight of the pig? Roger: Hilda, I can match him in any event on the programme. Roland: We'll see about that, sir. Roger: That's the one. Roland: And I played for my school when I was 13. Roger: I received a cap for playing for the Navy. Roger: That just shows how stupid you are, they were for football. Roland: I had two. Dr. Hinge: No, don't be silly, Hilda, that's for the under 12s. Dame Hilda: Exactly. {Gymkhana.} Dr. Hinge: Hilda, Hilda! Dame Hilda: Oh, hello, dear. Dr. Hinge: How did Milton do in the fur and feather section? Dr. Hinge: Oh, well, at least he wasn't last. Dame Hilda: He was, dear. Now, what about the handicrafts, dear, did your knitted cardigan win any prizes? Dr. Hinge: Never had a chance, dear, Mrs. Smollett picked it up and used it as a floor cloth. Dr. Hinge: I must say, I thought Constable Bolsover’s display of dog handling was quite brilliant. Dame Hilda: Yes, it's a lovely little poodle, isn't it? Dame Hilda: I don't know, dear. I thought they were supposed to be throwing the cricket ball. Dame Hilda: And where is it? Dame Hilda: He stands a good chance of winning, then. Dr. Hinge: You know, that could explain why Roger and Roland are over there with the donkeys. Dr. Hinge: No, no, no, the donkey derby's just about to start, look, they're lining up with the others, this will be their challenge. Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, we must stop them. Dr. Hinge: Too late, dear, they're off.
Dame Hilda: Oh, dear, they'll kill themselves. Dr. Hinge: Oh, I should just ignore them, dear, they're like a couple of children. Come on, Roland!! Dame Hilda: Come on, Roger!! Dame Hilda: Nonsense dear, Roger's next to him. Come on, Dr. Hinge: Come on. Dame Hilda: Come on, Roger. Dr, Hinge: I think Roland’s, just won dear. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, why aren't they pulling up? Dame Hilda: What, dear? Dame Hilda: Oh, I don't think they can. Dr. Hinge: Well, they'll have to soon, or they're going straight through that hawthorn hedge. Dame Hilda: Oh, dear. They must stop, they must stop. Dr. Hinge: Well, the donkey’s stopped, dear. Dame Hilda: Come on, Evadne, to the rescue. I'm coming, Roger. Dr. Hinge: So am I, Roland. Oh, dear look at them, Hilda. Dame Hilda: Put your head on my cardigan, Roger. Roger: Oh, thank you, Hilda. Roland: Oh, thank you, Evadne. Dame Hilda: Oh, dear. You've both got nasty cuts on your heads. Dr. Hinge: Yes, you may have to have stitches. Roger: Me neither, sir. I once had 16 stitches, no anaesthetic, just a tot of rum. Roland: That's nothing, I once had 22 stitches, and all I did was to bite on a bullet. Roger: Yes, but I put my stitches in myself in a force nine gale. Roland: I was under shell fire, sir, I was under shell fire, putting a splint on me broken leg at the same time. Dame Hilda: Simple, dear, we had a very good Air Force.
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
