This is my lovely day.

This is the day I shall remember the day I'm dying

They can't take this away

It will be always mine, the sun and the wine, the seabirds crying

All happiness must pay.

But who can tell if fate means well or the sky is lying

Just look at me and say

You will remember too that this was a lovely day

Dame Hilda: Whenever we sing that song it brings back floods of memories.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I know what you're going to say, Hilda, the house-warming.

Dame Hilda: Yes, we sang it at the first party we ever gave in this house, didn't we?

Dr. Hinge: The house-warming.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I know, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, I said that before.

Dame Hilda: I know you did, dear, I was merely reiterating what you said. We moved in on a Monday.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I know, I was there, dear.

Dame Hilda: And if I recall correctly, we decided to have our house-warming the following Saturday.

Dr. Hinge: You decided to have the house-warming on the following Saturday.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, one of us decided.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I know.

Dame Hilda: Anyway, we decided just to decorate those two rooms, didn't we?

Dr. Hinge: I remember I went down to Mr. Flathers, the decorator, dear, to borrow the wallpaper pattern book.

Dame Hilda: That's right, dear.

Dr. Hinge: When I got there, I found out there were two of them, and they weighed about half a ton each. And I remember thinking, if I'd known they were so heavy, I wouldn't have gone down to get them.

Dame Hilda: Yes, of course, I knew they were heavy. That's why I sent you. But it was quite a hectic week, wasn't it, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, you can say that again, dear.


{Moving in day.}

Dame Hilda: Ah, you're back, dear, you've been a long time.

Dr. Hinge: Of course I've been a long time, Hilda. I've had to stop every few yards to get my breath. You've no idea how heavy these pattern books are.

Dame Hilda: But for the weather, of course, dear, I'd have gone myself, but you know how it brings on these twinges in my shoulder.

Dr. Hinge: It's a dry, sunny day, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Exactly, yes. And no lubrication, you see.

Dr. Hinge:  But I thought it was rain that affected people with rheumatism.

Dame Hilda: It is, mine's fibrositis, you see.

Dr. Hinge: Anyway, I'm all in, I swear my arms are six inches longer than when I set off.

Dame Hilda: Well, you'll just have to sit a little further away from the piano then, won't you?

Dr. Hinge: Well, at least I thought you'd have a cup of tea waiting for me.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I did, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, well, where is it?

Dame Hilda: Well, I drank it.

Dr. Hinge: Why did you drink it?

Dame Hilda: Oh, I was thirsty. It's thirsty work sitting around waiting for you to come in.

 Dr. Hinge: You mean you've done nothing while I've been away?

Dame Hilda: Well, I haven't exactly done nothing, dear, I did make a pot of tea. But don't worry, I'll ask Maud to make another one.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Maud's arrived, has she?

{Smash!}

Dame Hilda: You were saying, dear?

Maud: I'm sorry, Dame 'ilda. Oh, 'ello, Doctor, my word, you've been a long time gone, 'aven't yer?

Dr. Hinge: It wasn't easy carrying those things from the village.

Maud: No, Dame 'ilda said rather you than 'er.

Dr. Hinge: Did she?

Dame Hilda:  Well, I didn't exactly say that, dear, I think what I said was, well... why don't you put the kettle on, dear, and we'll have another cup of tea.

Maud: We've already 'ad one, Dame 'ilda.

Dr. Hinge: I haven't, Maud.

Maud: Right. Oh, don't you want to know what I broke?

Dr. Hinge: Quite frankly, Maud, I couldn't care less.

Maud: Oh, good, because it was your mother's best bone china.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, you stupid, clumsy, incompetent woman!

Dame Hilda: Now, there's no need to stress her good points, dear.

Maud: Thank you, Dame Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Perhaps if we brought some of that special glue we could stick the pieces together.

Dr. Hinge: It would be a far better idea to stick Maud's fingers together, dear.

Maud: I don't do these things a purpose, Doctor.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I know that, Maud, if you did, we'd be eating off the floor, wouldn't we?

Maud: We can't all be Doctors.

Dr. Hinge: That's got nothing to do with it, Maud.

Maud: Must be nice to be perfect.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, shut up, Maud, let's drop the subject altogether.

Dame Hilda:  After all, dear, it's no good crying over spilt milk.

Maud: Oh, 'ow did you know I'd spilt the milk?

Dr. Hinge: I despair.

Maud: Well, I didn't spill a lot, mind, and I got most of it back in the bottle. Anyway, I'll go and put the kettle on. After what I've gone through, I could do with a cup o' tea.

Dr. Hinge: I think you're very optimistic, thinking we'll be ready for the weekend, Hilda, especially with Maud around.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, we've arranged the house warming for Saturday, and Saturday it’s going to be. See, all we need is system and method, system and method, besides, I've sent out the invitations.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, we have only four days, and there's so much to do.

Dame Hilda: System and method, Evadne. I've got it all planned. Now, the electrician's coming tomorrow to hang the light fittings, Mr. Flathers is coming on Thursday to hang the wallpaper, and the plumber's coming on Friday...

Dr. Hinge: To hang Maud!

Dame Hilda: To put in the new cylinder. There's no reason why we shouldn't be all right for Saturday. After all, we're only preparing this room and the kitchen. System and method, dear, system and method.

Maud: It shouldn't be long now before it's whistling away. I've put some cups and saucers on a tray.

Dr. Hinge: Congratulations.

Dame Hilda:  In the meantime, we must choose the wallpaper, dear, now, Mr. Flathers has to order it this afternoon. Pass one of those books over, Maud, would you?

Maud: Oh! Oh, my! You were right, Doctor, they are 'eavy.

Dame Hilda: Now, I'll help you, Maud, don't want to drop it on your tootsie.

Dr. Hinge: Speak for yourself.

Dame Hilda: There we are, yes.

Maud: Oh, I like that one, yer can't go wrong with plain white.

Dame Hilda: That's the inside cover, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Now, what about this, Hilda? Now, that's rather charming, don't you think?

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. Oh, I like that.

Maud: Oh, I don't Dame 'ilda?

Dr. Hinge: You won't be living here, Maud.

Maud: No, but I shall be popping in every day, I'll get a 'eadache.

Dr. Hinge: If you pop in every day, I'll get a headache.

Dame Hilda:  Now, Evadne, Maud, is only trying to help.

Maud: Washable wallpaper's very good, I 'ave it all over my 'ouse.

Dr. Hinge: Does it keep the rain off?

Dame Hilda:  Oh, very good, dear, yes, oh, yes, I like that one, wish I'd thought of that.

Dr. Hinge: Now, I think we should go for green in the music room.

Maud: Ooh, you don't want to 'ave green, Doctor, 'tis unlucky.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, superstitious nonsense.

Maud: Well, I once 'ad green in my kitchen and within 'alf an 'our of the decorator going 'ome I broke three plates.

Dr. Hinge: Only three?

Dame Hilda: Anyway, I'm not having a green room, Evadne. I mean, if Milton got out of his cage, we'd never find him.

Maud: 'ere, there's something wrong 'ere, Dame 'ilda, two different patterns on the same page.

Dame Hilda: Ah, well, you see, Maud, they are complementary designs.

Maud: You mean you get them for nothin'?

Dame Hilda: No, Maud. No, no, no, no, no, you see, it's like this, if you wish, you could do three walls with one paper and the fourth wall with the other. It's what they call the modern trend.

Maud: Oh, nothing modern about that, 'ad it years ago in me kitchen, when I'd done three walls, I ran out of paper.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, and was your fourth wall complementary?

Maud: No, distempered.

Dame Hilda: Oh, now, now, I do like this one, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, so do I.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I do, I really do like this one.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I must agree, it's very restful, isn't it, dear?

Dame Hilda: Yes, I think we should go for this one, dear.

Dr. Hinge: So do I, yes, put a piece of paper in that page.

Maud: Mr. Woodthorpe 'as that paper.

Dr. Hinge: Mr. Woodthorpe?

Maud: The Undertaker, 'e 'as this paper in 'is chapel o' rest.

Dr. Hinge: I think I've gone off it, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Well, I was never on it, dear. Oh, now, now, isn't this one sweet?

Dr. Hinge: I think we're a bit old for Noddy, dear.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, that didn't mean for us, Evadne, but it meant it was a nice paper for... well, anyone who likes this kind of paper.

Dr. Hinge: What about curtains, Hilda, we must think of that?

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, yes, I think we should have some, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Now, you know what I mean, Hilda, the paper we choose must blend with the curtains we've already got.

Dame Hilda:  But I think we're going to have to re...

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, Hilda. Something's burning?

Dame Hilda:  Are you sure dear?

Dr. Hinge: There's definitely a burning smell.

Maud: Well, it can't be my fault this time, all I've done is put a kettle o' water on, oh, Lor!

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Lor what?

Maud: I didn't put any water in the kettle.

{Next day.}

Dame Hilda:  Good morning, Evadne. My word, you're having an early breakfast?

Dr. Hinge:  I don't consider half-past nine particularly early.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I'm sorry I slept in, dear, but, ooh, do you know, it was so cosy and comfortable in that front bedroom.

Dr. Hinge: Which is more than I can say for the back bedroom. I hardly slept a wink, tossing and turning all night long.

Dame Hilda: But I don't know why you chose to sleep at the back of the house.

Dr. Hinge: Perhaps because you commandeered the front.

Dame Hilda: Well, it's only temporary. You can move into the room next to mine as soon as Arthur's cleared out the dry rot.

Dr. Hinge: I didn't know Maud was in there, dear.

Dame Hilda: You know, there are occasions when you can be very cruel, Evadne. However, you've probably been working far too hard. Now, why don't you try going to bed a little earlier? Pass the marmalade, will you, dear? I said pass it, not throw it. Now, now, look, see what you've done, Evadne? You've woken Milton. Now then, Milton, let me take off your cover, darling, there you are. Ooh! Who's a pretty boy, then? Did you sleep well in our new house, darling? Yes, I thought you would. Did you hear that, Evadne? he said he had a good night's sleep.

Dr. Hinge: In that case, I'll change places with him tonight.

Dame Hilda:  Ooh, he appears to be limping. I think he's injured his little leg, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Shall we dial 999, dear?

Dame Hilda: No, no, no, he's all right, he's having a little game with us, aren't you, Milton?

Dr. Hinge: I thought for one moment we might have to change his name to Long John Milton.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, Ha, ha, ha! That’s very good, did you like that, Milton, did you? No, he didn't like it.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, no.

Dame Hilda: What is it, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Arthur's brought Maud, dear.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. I say, look it, Evadne, floorboards sticking out of his sidecar. He's come to do the dry rot, you see, dear, you'll soon be in your own bedroom.

Dr. Hinge: You never consulted me over this, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: We're very lucky to get him, you know. Because he's only doing it for us because he's Maud's husband, and besides, he's very reasonable.

Dr. Hinge: What's he charging?

Dame Hilda: Nothing.

Dr. Hinge: Oh. Well, that's different, isn't it? Well done, Hilda. And as you say, I might just be in my warm, cosy bedroom by the weekend.

Dame Hilda: I'm sure you will, dear.

{Door knocks!}

Dame Hilda: We're in here, Maud, the back door's open.

Dr. Hinge: Doesn't she look ridiculous in that balaclava and goggles, dear?

Dame Hilda: Yes, because, of course, they don't really go with her pinafore and slippers, do they?

Dr. Hinge: Do you think we could find her a job today where she won't do any damage?

Dame Hilda: Well, there isn't much call for cleaners in the Sahara desert.

Maud: Mornin', Dame 'ilda.

Dame Hilda:  Hello, dear.

Maud: Arthur's gone upstairs, Dame 'ilda. 'e'll soon 'ave that dry rot done, 'e's a good lad, my Arthur.

Dr. Hinge: Just as long as he's a good worker.

Maud: Oh, 'e is. Once 'e starts, he never stops. I call 'im perpetual motion.

Dame Hilda: Excellent! Yes.

Maud: Now, ten o'clock, 'e'll want a cup o'tea with two slices o'toast. Eleven o'clock, 'e likes a cup o'coffee, two sugars. Twelve o'clock's 'is lunch break, so 'e wants a pot o'tea, and if you could manage a few sandwiches, 'e'd be obliged, cos 'e starts prompt again at two o'clock. I'll give you 'is afternoon routine later when 'e comes back from the pub.

Dr. Hinge: This may be a silly question, Maud, but when does he take his dry rot break?

Maud: What's Doctor on about, Dame 'ilda?

Dame Hilda:  Oh, it's just a bit of fun, dear.

Maud: Wish I was musical.

Dame Hilda: Anyway, Maud, off you go and make yourself useful.

Maud:  Righto, Dame 'ilda. Oh, these were on the 'all table, do you want 'em thrown out?

Dame Hilda:  Oh, not yet, Maud.

Dr. Hinge: What are they, dear?

Dame Hilda: Oh, they're just circulars. They were behind the door when we moved in, and I put them on the side until we could deal with them.

Dr. Hinge: Well, let me see.

Maud: Well, I'll be off then, nearly ten o'clock, so Arthur's ready for 'is tea.

Dame Hilda: All right, dear. Anything interesting in those circulars, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Well, see for yourself. Look, two offers to deliver our newspapers and periodicals.

Dame Hilda: A card from a milkman. Fresh eggs, cheese, potatoes, butter and homemade bread delivered daily.

Dr. Hinge: No mention of milk, dear.

Dame Hilda: He probably hasn't enough room on his cart for that. Oh, there's one here from a taxi firm and one from an insurance company.

Dr. Hinge: Really? I wonder if they insure against fire, flood and Maud.

Dame Hilda: Very good, dear. Ha, ha, ha!

Dr. Hinge: What are you laughing at, dear?

Dame Hilda: It's this circular, dear, look, I think they're wasting their time on us.

Dr. Hinge: And what's it about?

Dame Hilda: Babysitting service. Oh, dear, dear, dear. This one looks interesting, I say, beautiful handwriting, copper plate, yes, and it's from Daphne Primley, Miss. Headmistress of Stackton Girls High School.

Dr. Hinge: What's she going to deliver, dear, chalk?

Dame Hilda: Dear Dame Hilda.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, she doesn't mention me then.

Dame Hilda: Oh, she probably means you as well, dear. I am, of course, aware of your great contribution to the arts, particularly, music. And as a humble amateur dabbler in the field of poetry, I have called upon my muse and have composed some dedicatory stanzas to your good self and your companion.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I got a mention.

Dame Hilda:  To your good self and your companion. In the form of a poetical offering welcoming you to our village and particularly your new abode. Isn't that nice, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, it is, yes.

Dame Hilda: Oh, and she says, PS, Perhaps your reading of this could be enhanced by a soupcon of vamping on the pianoforte from your companion.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, it's startling to know that someone considers me capable of vamping, dear.

Dame Hilda: It looks quite impressive, Evadne. Let's try it, shall we? We'll go into the music room, come along, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Wouldn't we be better employed stripping wallpaper than vamping, dear.

Dame Hilda:  Now, look, it won't take long. And after all, it may be just the thing to perform at our house warming on Saturday.

Dr. Hinge: I may not be in a vamping mood on Saturday.

Dame Hilda: Now, then, dear, at first glance, I think this poetry calls, well, for something rather melancholy.

Dr. Hinge: Plays 'oh I do like to be beside the seaside’

Dame Hilda: Oh, very comical, yes, yes. Yes, try again, shall we?

Dr. Hinge: What kind of music do you play for a poem about going to a new house, dear?

Dame Hilda: Something moving, dear. I bet you wish you'd thought of that.

Dr. Hinge: I wouldn't dare, dear.

Dame Hilda: Now, you look, dear, I'll start the poem, and then you'll just fill in around it. You ready?

Dr. Hinge: All right, I'm ready.

Dame Hilda: Well, here we go.

The lonely house, filled with emptiness and expectancy,

Stands on its eminence, and stares through sombre mullioned eyes

At the part parked panting pantechnicon

Dr. Hinge: Part what?

Dame Hilda: Panting pantechnicon.

Dr. Hinge: Ooh, a pair of pants?

Dame Hilda: Most diverting

At the part parked panting pantechnicon

Disgorging all its driver's paraphernalia

Vaguely supported by green baize, apron garbed, and bowler hatted men,

They bear a lordly grand piano

Then from the vehicle's magic cave

In stately, slow, processionally merged tables, chairs

Decrepit Chesterfield, a box of broken brick-a-brick

Dr. Hinge: I've never had a broken brick-a-brick in my life.

Dame Hilda:  Yes, well, you've missed out on quite a lot of things, haven't you, dear?

A chiffonier, a chandelier of light,

And carpets flown from Kermanshah and Bradford.

Dr. Hinge: Bradford?

Dame Hilda: Miss Primley gets around, doesn't she, dear?}

China and cheese, Royal Worcester and Gloucester.

Two four posters to sail the seas

Of sleep with Argonotic pride

Travel tired trunks and creaking crates

Of odds and ends of this and that

Spread from antique van to ancient house

Its gables groan in fear and trepidation. What's now?

Two gentle, genteel ladies

All twin sets and pearls and perms

Dr. Hinge: Perms? My hair is natural.

Dame Hilda: You can fool some of the people, some of time.

Two gentle, genteel ladies

All twin sets and pearls and perms

Alight with dignity from vintage Armstrong's Siddeley

And view the house with unconcealed delight

From a nearby willow tree

A maladjusted, mixed-up marmalade cat

Mews his mournful, mystic melody

Woof!

Woof!

Woof!

Tweet!

{Later.}

Dame Hilda: Here you are, dear. I've made a cup of tea.

Dr. Hinge: What time is it, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Four o'clock.

Dr. Hinge: Three hours it has taken me to shampoo this carpet, you know.

Dame Hilda: And you've made an excellent job of it, dear, I think you've missed a bit over there.

Dr. Hinge: No, that's the shadow of the standard lamp.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, so it is.

Dr. Hinge: How is Arthur getting on upstairs?

Dame Hilda: Well, I don't know, Maud's just taken him up his fourteenth cup of tea.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, by the way, did you take the patent books back to Mr. Flathers?

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, dear, I did.

Dr. Hinge: It was very kind of you, dear, to offer to take them back for me, I must say.

Dame Hilda: Oh, not at all, Evadne, you were quite right, though, they are heavy. Do you know the driver had an awful struggle lifting them into the taxi?

Dr. Hinge: You took a taxi?

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear. You know that circular we received?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes.

Dame Hilda: Well, I thought I'd, you know, just give them a try out. Oh, yes, very comfortable. Anyway, I've ordered the wallpaper, and Mr. Flathers said he'll have it for Thursday.

Dr. Hinge: Good.

Dame Hilda: The only trouble is, I think it will clash with the carpet now you've cleaned it.

Dr. Hinge: I can't do anything right, can I?

Dame Hilda: Oh, of course you can, dear, of course you can. Are you sure it's the shadow from the standard lamp? Oh, Maud, and how's Arthur doing, dear?

Maud: Oh, very well, 'e says 'e's almost ready to make a start.

Dr. Hinge: Make a start? He's been up there five hours, Maud.

Maud: Yes, but you know, Arthur, 'e doesn't like to rush things. You know what 'e always says, if a job's worth doing, look before you leap.

Dame Hilda: Well, yes, because he's quite a philosopher, isn't he?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, but what was all that hammering I heard throughout the afternoon?

Maud: 'e's been mending 'is shoes.

Dame Hilda: I hope he hasn't got any dry rot in his feet, Maud.

Dr. Hinge: It's all right, you laughing, Hilda, but at this rate of progress I shan't be in my bedroom for months. I'm going to have a word with him about this.

Maud: Oh, I wouldn't disturb 'im now, Doctor.

Dame Hilda: No, I think Maud's right, dear, he does appear to have made a start.

Dr. Hinge: I'm sorry, Hilda. My mind is made up, I'm going upstairs to have a word.

Arthur: Ooooh!

Maud: ARTHUR!!

Dame Hilda: You won't have to bother going upstairs, dear, he's just dropped in.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, he's come through the ceiling.

Dame Hilda: Well, his legs have, dear.

Maud: Are you all right, Arthur?

Arthur: {Mumbles!}

Maud: He says he's all right.

Dame Hilda: Well, we can't leave him suspended up there.

Dr. Hinge: Well, are we going to pull him down or push him up?

Dame Hilda: Well, one or the other, dear, unless we hang a lampshade from his feet.

Dr. Hinge: I'm sorry, Hilda, but I can't see anything to laugh at. My bedroom is ruined, the ceiling is ruined, and I'm going to have to do this carpet all over again. The man, like Maud, is totally incompetent.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I wouldn't say he was incompetent, dear. I mean, look, he's made a wonderful job of the soles of his shoes.

Dr. Hinge: Never mind his shoes! What about my bedroom? And what about this carpet? It's ruined, absolutely...

{Today,}

Dame Hilda: Ha, ha, ha!

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I can laugh at it now, Hilda, but it was far from funny at the time.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, I know, but never mind, you know, that house warming party went awfully well. In spite of the fact that the electrician let us down and the plumber failed to arrive and the wallpaper never turned up.

Dr. Hinge:  Yes, well, as you said yourself, Hilda, all you need is system and method, system and method.

Dame Hilda: There was nothing wrong with my system it was their method. Anyway, that hole in the ceiling proved an excellent conversation piece.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I suppose you're right, dear.

A life of love is curious

But not injurious

If you are wise

For you'll get pleasure, leisure

Knowledge to treasure

After the gay life dies

True men we seldom find to us

They're often kind to us

And entre nous

English gentlemen, Spanish, noblemen

Indian, merchantmen too

Always play the game

Never cause us shame


But there's always something fishy about the French

Whether prince or politician

We've a sinister suspicion

That behind their savoir faire, they share

A common contempt for every mother's son of us

Though they smile and smirk

We know they're out for dirty work
We're most polite

But don't put out the night light

Every wise and thoroughly worldly wench

Knows there's always something fishy about the French

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor