The Stackton Music Festival.
There's great excitement in the village of Stackton Tressel, for tonight sees the commencement of the Stackton Music Festival, and this year Dame Hilda and the Doctor, the festival organisers, have persuaded the famous Savoyard, Mr Peter Pratt, to open and indeed take part in this annual affair. Both ladies have worked very hard, and with only hours to go are still working very hard. Well, one of them is… {Door knocks.} Dame Hilda: I'm coming. Oh, it's you, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: Of course it is. Dame Hilda: You've been a long time, dear. Dame Hilda: Have you? Well, I didn't hear you. Dame Hilda: I have not been asleep in the armchair. Dr. Hinge: I saw you quite clearly through the window. Anyway, help me carry this shopping trolley into the house. Dame Hilda: You don't carry the shopping trolley, dear. It's on wheels, you pull it. Dr. Hinge: If you'd use your eyes, Hilda, you'd see that it is minus a wheel. Dame Hilda: Oh, now that was rather clumsy of you, dear. Dame Hilda: Oh, dear. Well, these things do happen, especially to you. Dr. Hinge: I've had to carry it all the way from the village and call in the town hall to make sure that the piano tuner had been for tonight, and my arms are nearly dropping off. Dame Hilda: Well, why didn't you ring the RAC, dear? They do... They do have a get-you-home service. Dr. Hinge: Very funny, Hilda. Now, give me a hand. Dame Hilda: Well, I must admit, dear, you are perspiring a little. Dr. Hinge: This is no time for politeness, Hilda, I'm sweating, I've had a dreadful struggle. Dame Hilda: Well, why didn't you give me a ring? I would have come down and helped you. Dr. Hinge: I did give you a ring, I let it ring and ring and ring! Dr. Hinge: Or asleep in the armchair. Dame Hilda: I was not asleep in the armchair. Dame Hilda: Yes, yes, but I wasn't asleep. I was resting my eyes and thinking... Dame Hilda: No, dear, I was just thinking, I was thinking how well I got through all my jobs this morning. Dame Hilda: Well, of course it hasn't, dear, I've ironed a couple of crepe bandages, put out the milk bottles and washed all the breakfast dishes as well. Dame Hilda: No, but I did, and I had two bowls of prunes. Dr. Hinge: Now I know where you find all your energy from, dear. Dame Hilda: There is no need to be sarcastic, Evadne. Oh, did you remember to get a Stackton bugle? Dr. Hinge: Of course I did. And we're on the front page. Dame Hilda: Of course you are, dear, yes, and it's very nice. It's a pity about that smudge on your face. Probably printer's ink. What a shame it's where it is, makes you look like Hitler. Dr. Hinge: Honestly, Hilda, you are quite unfeeling. Is it a good article? Dr. Hinge: As they invariably do. Dr. Hinge: They've called me everything except Dr. Singe. Dame Hilda: Well, I must say they've gone to town. Look at the headline, Peter Pratt to visit Stackton. Big scoop for Dame Hilda. Dame Hilda Bracket has secured the services of Mr. Peter Pratt, the world-famous Savoyard, to officially open and appear in the Stackton Music Festival. Dr. Hinge: I didn't realise you'd done it all on your own, dear, I thought I'd helped you. Dame Hilda: Oh, you know what the press are like, dear. Oh, just a minute, here's something about you. Asked if she was excited at the prospect of playing the piano for such an eminent Gilbert and Sullivan performer, Dr. Singe said… Ha, ha, ha! Oh, it's not your day is it? Dame Hilda: No, I wouldn't, dear, but you see, they never do. Dame Hilda: Let me have a word with him, dear. Dr. Hinge: No, he wants to talk to me. We're so looking forward to seeing you again, Peter…. how is who?... You're talking to Evadne! Yes, yes, I suppose we do sound alike. Well, you stay where you are, Peter, and we'll have you with us in no time at all. Bye-bye. Dr. Hinge: Oh, are you sure it's not too much trouble, dear, after your morning's labours? {Later.} {Piano plays.} Peter: Beautiful, Evadne, you're playing as well as ever. Dr. Hinge: Oh, thank you, Peter. Dame Hilda: You know, Peter, I was just thinking, wasn't it at those digs in Nottingham the last time the three of us were round a piano? Dr. Hinge: And not very successfully, as I recall. Peter: Well, that's hardly surprising, my dear Evadne. One room was downstairs, the other was on the second floor. Dame Hilda: That's right, we had to abandon it on the landing. Dame Hilda: Yes, and wasn't the landlady's husband taking a bath at the time? Dr. Hinge: Yes. Peter: In that place, the bath water always was cold. Dr. Hinge: Now, that was the first time we met, Peter, that week in Nottingham. Dame Hilda: You see, Evadne, I knew you were wrong. Dr. Hinge: We both were, dear, but at least I was several miles closer. Dame Hilda: Do you know, Peter, I think you're right. We were down the road at the Empire doing No, No, Nanette. Dr. Hinge: Oh, don't, Hilda, it's all too long ago. Dame Hilda: Oh, come on, dear, two bars in, you can remember it, oh, come on, dear.
I want to be happy But I can't be happy Till I've made you happy too When you are mirth giving Why can't I give some to you When skies are grey And I know you feel blue I'll send the sun shining through to you I want to be happy, But I can't be happy Till I've made you happy too
Dame Hilda: Ah, what was that show that we were doing after that? You came along to see us. It was the one that followed that. No, no, it wasn't. It was... That's right, it was one of Coward’s. Conversation piece.
My whole life through, I’ll follow my secret love, It doesn't seem like my birthday any more.
Peter: Just after luncheon, Melanie. Dame Hilda: You know, you’re so clever, dear.
I'll follow my secret heart till I find love
Dame Hilda: You know, you know Peter, I've always thought you'd do awfully well in those sort of shows. You know, those lovely clipped songs, you know, those lovely ones that you used to do. You had a favourite number, I remember, it was...Oh, yes, you see, Evadne, remembers it, it was…
Two lovely black eyes Oh, what a surprise Only for telling a man he was wrong Two lovely black eyes {Second time} Two lovely black eyes Oh, what a surprise Only for telling a man he was wrong Two lovely black eyes
Dame Hilda: You know the other one, don't you?
When I'm calling you Will you answer too Then I will know Our love will be true You’ll belong to me I’ll belong to you
Dame Hilda: It’s no good, we’re going to have to tear ourselves away from the piano, otherwise we're never going to make it Dr. Hinge: Good heavens, it's quarter past four and we have to be at the town hall at six, you know. Dame Hilda: Well, do you want to go and bathe first, Peter, while Evadne and I run through the programme? Peter: The Bath Festival? I suppose so, I'll give you a shout when I'm finished. Dame Hilda: Well, all right, and don't use all the hot water. Dr. Hinge: Like you did in Nottingham. Dame Hilda: Birmingham! Peter: Leeds! { At the festival.} Dame Hilda: Well, thank you very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen And on behalf of the Doctor and myself, welcome to our very own Stackton Music Festival. Dr. Hinge: Yes, I echo those remarks Dame Hilda: I know you do, dear, that's why I said on behalf of the Doctor and myself. Now, before I introduce our very famous opener, I have some urgent news, we have just had a word from Mr Roberts, the butcher, and it would appear that the potted meat has gone off. Now, the tea ladies have tried to remove all the potted meat sandwiches from the buffet, but there may be one or two which have slipped through the net, so to speak. So, if anybody finds a potted meat sandwich on their plate if you would take it to Mrs Connors, she will give you a voucher which you can then take to Mrs Hardy, who will exchange it for half a mushroom vol-au-vent. Dr. Hinge: Oh, is that the current rate of exchange, dear? Dr. Hinge: Oh, thank you Dame Hilda: Yes, I like that, I wish I'd thought of it. Ladies and gentlemen, this year, to open the proceedings, it gives me the very... Dr. Hinge: Us! us. Dame Hilda: It gives us the very greatest pleasure to welcome our friend, and I am sure yours too, Mr Peter Pratt Peter: Thank you very much, It has been said before, I am much touched by this reception, Dame Hilda, Dr Hinge, ladies and gentlemen, music lovers Dame Hilda: Oh, very good, Peter, so topical. Peter: For me, it's a privilege and a pleasure to be invited by these two charming ladies. Dame Hilda: Hear, hear! Peter: My dear old friends who have worked so very hard Dr. Hinge: Hear, hear! Peter: To make this annual festival an annual success, indeed, a perennial success. To launch a music festival, it might be appropriate to break a bottle of champagne over the piano. Dr. Hinge: Oh, very good Peter: But I will content myself, and I hope you, by saying simply, I declare the Stackton Music Festival open, It is, I believe, now traditional for the festival to begin with a display of ballet dancing by the Dainty Dots from the Abigail Trotter School of Dancing and Mime, ladies and gentlemen… Dame Hilda: Oh, hold it, Peter, hold it, dear, I'm afraid Elysia has had a slight accident in the wings, all right, Elysia, Mrs Smollett is bringing you a safety pin, dear, all right, carry on, Peter. Peter: Ladies and gentlemen, with Dr Hinge at the piano, the Dainty Dots! {Piano plays for the dancers.} Dame Hilda: Thank you, Doctor, for that wonderful accompaniment. And also many thanks to the dozen Dainty Dots, or at least the nine who managed to stay on their feet. Such a pity that Esmeralda's wings fell off, they wouldn't have got her very far anyway, she's such a big girl. Dr. Hinge: Yes. Dame Hilda: Now it is the turn of the Doctor and myself to make our contribution to the programme And we have chosen for you a very lovely duet from one of the rarely performed works of Gilbert and Sullivan, Princess Ida, or Castle Adamant, and that is an alternative title. And this duet comes from Act Two, and the characters are these Lady Blanche, a professor of abstract sciences, a role undertaken by myself. And her daughter, Melissa, undertaken by the Doctor here, jolly good, Evadne, a little character acting, I think Dr. Hinge: I shall endeavour to age up for it, dear, certainly. Dame Hilda: Touché and a rapier wit! Dr. Hinge: Do get on with it, dear. Dame Hilda: So yes, do get on with it. So the duet comes in Act Two, as I say where Lady Blanche is asked by her daughter, Melissa if she would like to rule the roast should Princess Ida be cast asunder or leave for some other part of the world. Dr. Hinge: That covers it I think, dear. Dame Hilda: I think I did.
Now wouldn't you like to rule the roast And guide this university I must agree T’would pleasant be Sing hey a proper pride Then would you like to clear the coast Of malice and perversity Without a doubt I'll bundle ‘em out Sing hey, when I preside Sing hey Sing hoity toity Sorry for some Sing marry, come up And her day will come Sing proper pride Is the horse to ride Sing happy, go lucky, my lady O For years I've writhed beneath her sneers Although a born Plantagenet You're much too meek Or you would speak Sing hey, I'll say no more Her elder I, by several years Although you'd ne’er imagine it Sing so I've heard But never a word Did I ever believe before Sing hey Sing hoity toity Sorry for some Sing marry come up, and her day will come Sing she shall learn That a worm will turn Sing happy, go lucky, my lady O
Dame Hilda: Thank you, and on with the show, well, I’m tremendously exited by a piece of poetry written by our own headmistress, Miss Primley, unfortunately Miss Primley can’t be with us to read it her self. Dr. Hinge: She’s no fool, dear. Dame Hilda: But with the assistance of Dr. Hinge, helping to create the mood, with a few well-chosen twiddly bits, on the pianoforte. Dr. Hinge: I do not twiddle, dear. Dame Hilda: I shall ignore that. I would like to recite Miss Primley's poem, Moon Madness on a half-day closing. Thank you. Oh, and the day is Wednesday. The full moon bathes in the gloom of Cobbett's Wood O foolish moon, to lose thy pure virginity Old Mr. Criggle pours wet concrete on his contemporary anthem Alas, he is alone Silence reigns, {Silence, dear.} silence Amidst the sound of a thousand cacophonic cats And the rumblings of an ant working its mandibles An esoteric haystack faintly quivers As the farmer's wench and Willie Small search for a needle And as the moon casts glow on Cobbett's Wood An earthworm sings his poignant song, Cock-a-doodle-doo. Dame Hilda: And now, ladies and gentlemen I am delighted to tell you That our special guest, dear Peter is going to entertain us in his own inimitable way. Please would you welcome back Mr. Peter Pratt! Peter: No, Dame Hilda, not inimitable, Irritable, Princess Ida's father, old, crippled King Gama.
If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am I'm a genuine philanthropist, all other kinds are sham Each little fault of temper and each social defect In my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise I love my fellow-creatures, I do all the good I can Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man And I can't think why
To compliments inflated I've a withering reply And vanity I always do my best to mortify A charitable action I can skilfully dissect And interested motives I'm delighted to detect I know everybody's income and what everybody earns And I carefully compare it with the income tax returns But to benefit humanity however much I plan Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man And I can't think why
I'm sure I'm no ascetic, I'm as pleasant as can be You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two I can tell a woman's age in half a minute, and I do But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can Yet everybody says I'm a disagreeable man And I can't think why I can't think why
Dame Hilda: Oh bless you Peter, that was lovely. Dr. Hinge: Delightful, dear. Dame Hilda: Oh, it took me back that, you know, as to when I played Ida of course. And here I am now singing Lady Blanche, well however. You know, as it has come now to the end of our festival I think I should tell all you lovely people here that Peter here, our friend, has consented to join us in a trio for three voices. We have chosen a piece for you from one of the prettiest of all Gilbert and Sullivan pieces, Ruddigore. Now, I hope for those of you of a nervous disposition, you won't find it too frightening, because it does take place in the haunted castle in Act 2, but however, or Act 2 in the haunted castle. Now, the Patter trio from Act 2 of Ruddigore. Take it away, Doctor!
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation I should go at once to Roderic and make him oration I shall tell him I've recovered my forgotten moral senses And I don't care tuppence-halfpenny for any consequences Now, I do not want to perish by the sword or by the dagger But a martyr may indulge a little pardonable swagger And a word or two of compliment my vanity would flatter But I've got to die tomorrow, so it really doesn't matter So it really doesn't matter So it really doesn't matter So it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter So it really doesn't matter So it really doesn't matter So it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter If I were not a little mad and generally silly I should give you my advice upon the subject willy-nilly I should show you in the moment how to grapple with the question And you’d really be astonished at the force of my suggestion On the subject I shall write you a most valuable letter Full of excellent suggestions till I feel a little better But at present, I'm afraid I am as mad as any hatter So I'll keep it to myself for my opinion doesn't matter Her opinion doesn't matter Her opinion doesn't matter Her opinion doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter Her opinion doesn't matter Her opinion doesn't matter Her opinion doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter If I had been so lucky as to have a steady brother Who would talk to me as we are talking now to one another Who would give me good advice when he discovered I was erring Which is just the very favour which on you I am conferring My existence might have made a rather interesting idyll And the might have lived and died a very decent individual This particularly rapid, unintelligible, patter Isn’t generally heard and if it is it doesn’t matter
If it is it doesn’t matter If it is it doesn’t matter, matter, matter, matter, matter If it is it doesn’t matter If it is it doesn’t matter If it is it doesn’t matter, matter, matter, matter, matter This particularly rapid, unintelligible, patter Isn’t generally heard and if it is it doesn’t matter, matter, matter, matter, matter, matter
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
