Things are seldom what they seem

Skim milk masquerades as cream

High lows pass as patent leathers

Jackdaws strut in peacocks feathers

Very true

So they do

Black sheep dwell in every fold

All that glitters is not gold.

Storks turn out to be but logs

Bulls are but inflated frogs.

So they be

Frequently

Drops the wind and stops the mill

Turbot is ambitious brill.

Gild the farthing if you will

Yet it is a farthing still

Yes, I know

That is so

Though to catch your drift I'm striving

It is shady, it is shady,

I don’t see at what you're driving.

Mystic lady, mystic lady

Stern convictions o’er me stealing

That the mystic lady dealing

In oracular revealing

Yes, I know

That is so

Dame Hilda: A pity about my cold, dear, but that was very nice.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, it's a long time since we tried that one, isn't it? What's the time, by the way, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Erm... half past eleven, dear.

Dr. Hinge:  Goodness, we've been rehearsing for over an hour, I think I'll go to bed.

{Thunder.}

Dr. Hinge: Was that thunder, Hilda?

Dame Hilda:  Yes, sounds as if someone's in for a storm.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I hope it isn't us.

Dame Hilda: Oh, don't worry about it.

Dr. Hinge: It's all right saying that, Hilda, I just can't help it.

Dame Hilda: Now look, dear, you want to do just as I do, put cotton wool in your ears, stick your head under the pillow, and scream the place down.

{Later.}

{Thunder!}

Dame Hilda: Evadne? { Knock.} Are you awake, Evadne? EVADNE! Evadne, Evadne, are you awake?

Dr. Hinge: Who is it?

Dame Hilda:  It's me, dear.

{Thunder!}

Dr. Hinge: Oooh! Mother!

Dame Hilda:  Who, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Mother, what are you doing here?

Dame Hilda: Don’t be silly, Evadne, it's Hilda.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, I'm sorry, When I saw you in the flash of lightning I thought it was Mother.

Dame Hilda: How on earth could you mistake me for your mother, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, my bedside light doesn't work.

Dame Hilda:  I look nothing like your mother.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, what are we going to do? We have no electricity.

Dame Hilda: I mean, she's nearly 80.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, stop going on about Mother!

Dame Hilda: Yes, but it's worrying me.

Dr. Hinge: I've been dreaming about her.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I see. How is she, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, get a torch.

Dame Hilda: How can I get a torch? I can't see a hand in front of my face.

Dr. Hinge: What time is it?

Dame Hilda: It's past three o'clock, because I heard the church clock strike.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, Hilda, I'm so frightened. What a storm! Has there been any damage?

Dame Hilda:  Well, now, actually, this may be a surprise to you, but I haven't been outside, as I wasn't sleeping in my Wellington boots, I didn't see the point.

Dr. Hinge: No, I mean, have you heard anything?

Dame Hilda: Well, I thought it was a crash that woke me up, but of course, I might have been dreaming as well.

{Thunder!}

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I don't like it at all.

Dame Hilda: Nor do I, dear. I'm rather worried about Milton, I left him by the window. I mean, well, what if his cage has been struck by lightning?

Dr. Hinge:  Well, in that case, there'll be nothing left to worry about, dear.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, don’t.

Dr. Hinge: Now, look, Hilda, in my dressing table drawer there's a nightlight, please get it.

Dame Hilda:  All right, dear.

Dr. Hinge: It's in the bottom drawer, it's at the left-hand side, dear.

Dame Hilda: Yuck!

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, what is the matter?

Dame Hilda: What have I put my hand in?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, that would be my jar of cold cream, dear, you see, the top's broken, so I put it in the drawer out of the way.

Dame Hilda:  I know you did, Evadne, I've got most of it all over my fingers.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, do find the nightlight.

Dame Hilda:  I think I've got it.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, good, now, quickly, light it.

Dame Hilda:  What with, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Don't tell me you haven't got any matches.

Dame Hilda: Well, now, this may come as another surprise, dear, but I don't generally carry them around in my nightie.

Dr. Hinge: What on earth are we going to do?

Dame Hilda: Well, I could break the dressing table stool and rub its legs together.

{Crash!}

Dr. Hinge: Hilda! I think the house is falling apart.

Dame Hilda: Nonsense, dear, it's the window, it's blown open, now, don't worry, I'll face the arctic blast and close it. Oooh!

Dr. Hinge: Oh, that'll be the linen basket, dear.

Dame Hilda:  I know, dear, it's like going through a minefield.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, come on, do get on, please.

Dame Hilda: I'm doing my best, dear, you know, navigation was never my strong point, there, Oh, Evadne, just look at those clouds, isn't it quite dramatic with that moonlight just filtering through the night like the Ride of the Valkyries?

Dr. Hinge:  You're not getting me to gaze at the moon through glass, dear, it means bad luck.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, dear. I think the bad luck has just jumped the gun.

Dr. Hinge: What do you mean, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, you know that telegraph pole that stands in the road?

Dr. Hinge:  Yes.

Dame Hilda: Well, it doesn't, well, actually, at the moment, it's leaning very precariously, oh, now it's moving, look, look, it's swaying. Evadne, it's going to fall on the house.

Dr. Hinge: Where, Hilda? Where, where?

Dame Hilda: There, see? No, it's stopped now, but it was moving.

Dr. Hinge: Now, we can't stay here, Hilda, we shall have to move, you never know where that thing might fall.

Dame Hilda: Well, come on, then, let's go downstairs.

Dr. Hinge:  Hurry up, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: After you, then, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Right, ooooh!

Dame Hilda:  I think that's the linen basket, dear.

{Later.}

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, Hilda, I'm wet through.

Dame Hilda: Well, so am I, dear, but we're nearly at the end of the lane, and mind, mind that puddle.

Dr. Hinge: Now, I don't like this idea of seeking shelter at Maud's.

Dame Hilda: Well, any port in a storm, and it is the nearest refuge, we couldn't stay at home with that telegraph pole threatening us like the sword of Damocles, now could we?

Dr. Hinge:  No, I suppose not, but I never thought I'd look for shelter in a railway station.

Dame Hilda: It's not a railway station any more, dear, I mean, Dr. Beeching put paid to that, it's Maud’s home.

Dr. Hinge: It was a railway station before she moved in, and to me it will always be a railway station.

Dame Hilda: Well, in that case, dear, you'll have to buy a platform ticket to get in. Now, come along, dear, I'll bang on the door.
 
{Knocks!}

Dr. Hinge: No, she'll never hear it, she sleeps like a log.

Dame Hilda:  Well, I'll tell you what, I'll try shouting through the letterbox. Maud, are you there, Maud?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, hurry up, Maud, hurry up, I’m soaked to the skin!

Dame Hilda:  Maud, wakey, wakey, wakey, Maud!

Dr. Hinge: Oh, she's coming, Hilda, quick, the light's gone on.

Dame Hilda:  It's us, Maud, don't be frightened, dear.

Maud: ‘ello.

Dame Hilda: Hello, dear.

Maud: Who is it?

Dame Hilda: It's us, dear.

Maud: Who's us? You're not burglars, are yer?

Dame Hilda: It's Dame Hilda, the Doctor, and a rather bedraggled budgie.

Dr. Hinge:  Bedraggled? I wish I was in a cage with a nice warm cover over me.

Dame Hilda: At times, Evadne, I wish you were as well.

Maud: What are you doing ‘ere at ‘alf past three in the mornin’?

Dame Hilda: Well, if you'll open the door, I'll tell you.

Maud: Oh, you should ‘ave come in, the door weren't locked.

Dr. Hinge: Just let us in, Maud, and we'll explain everything.

Maud: Right, this way.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, Maud.

Maud: Try not to make a noise or you'll wake Arthur.

Dame Hilda: How on earth can Arthur sleep through this?

Maud: Well, ‘e's not very well, Dame ‘ilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, dear, I am sorry.

Maud:  Oh, ‘e'll be all right in a day or two, ‘e's ‘ad it afore.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, well, the reason we're here is that we've had to leave home in a hurry.

Maud: You're not doing a moonlight flit, are yer?

Dame Hilda: No, of course not, Maud, but we've had a catastrophe.

Maud: Oh, I ‘ad one of them yesterday, I burnt the toast.

Dr. Hinge:  Maud, our house is threatened by a dangerously wayward telegraph pole.

Dame Hilda:  And so we've had to vacate it for the time being and seek temporary shelter.

Maud: Well, you're more than welcome to stay ‘ere, Dame ’ilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh, that's very kind of you, Maud.

Maud: Even the Doctor.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you, Maud.

Maud: We've got plenty to eat, good job I baked yesterday, wasn't it?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, it was, well, at least we're not going to starve.

Dame Hilda:  Now, anyway, Maud, what is actually wrong with Arthur?

Maud: Food poisonin’.

Dame Hilda:  Well, you've no need to go to any trouble for us, dear.

Dr. Hinge: No, no, a crust of bread will do.

Dame Hilda: Preferably bought bread.

Dr. Hinge:  Or something out of a tin.

Dame Hilda:  Well, actually, Maud, we're more tired than hungry.

Maud: Oh, you must be fair wore out.

Dr. Hinge: Exhausted.

Maud: Right, then, now, let's sort out the sleeping arrangements, Dame ‘ilda, you can go into Arthur's bed.

Dame Hilda: I beg your pardon?

Maud: Oh, I'll turf ‘im out first of all, ‘e can make do in the kitchen.

Dame Hilda: Now, look, Maud, we'll be quite comfortable down here. I'll have the armchair and Evadne can sleep on the... modern settee.

Dr. Hinge: Modern settee? That's the long wooden bench that was here when it was a station waiting room.

Maud: It's a modern settee, it's one of Arthur's conversions.

Dame Hilda: Of course it is, I mean, I can see that.

Dr. Hinge: What was it converted from?

Maud: The long wooden bench that was in the waitin’ room. Now, you'll find some blankets in that cupboard over there, Tom got me a couple o’ dozen the other day.

Dr. Hinge:  Fell off a lorry, did they, Maud?

Maud: Oh, no, they're quite clean, wrapped up in brown paper, they were, well, I'll get back to bed, mustn't miss my beauty sleep.

Dr. Hinge:  She must suffer from insomnia.

Dame Hilda:  Now, come on, dear, let's get a couple of blankets. I say? Ooh, these are rather smart, aren't they? All edged in pink satin.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I'll help you open them out, Hilda, there we are.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I say, isn't that unusual? look, see what it says across the middle? Q.E.2.

Dr. Hinge:  Hilda, they have fallen off a lorry!

Dame Hilda: I think they've fallen off a ship, dear, I only hope they're not damp.

Dr. Hinge:  It's nothing to laugh at, Hilda, these have been stolen like everything else Tom brings into this house.

Dame Hilda: Oh, they'll be old stock, dear.

Dr. Hinge:  Old stock, fiddlesticks. They are what is known in the trade as hot.

Dame Hilda: Well, they won't be much good as blankets if they're not.

Dr. Hinge:  Look, this cupboard's full of them, and look, Hilda, towels marked Imperial Hotel. Hilda, I'm worried.

Dame Hilda: Well, I'm tired.

Dr. Hinge: As a J.P., I cannot afford to be even remotely connected with anything in the least bit of dubious.

Dame Hilda: Now, look, dear, I don't for one moment think that Starsky and Hutch will be calling tonight.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I'm not going to use these blankets so that at least I can have a clear conscience.

Dame Hilda: Well, I am going to use them, at least I shall have warm legs.

{Morning.}

Maud: Dame ‘ilda, are you awake?

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear, yes I am. In fact, I haven't been asleep, you didn't warn me about the recalcitrant spring in this chair.

Maud: ‘ow did the doctor sleep, then?

Dame Hilda: Very well, I think.

Maud:  Well, I can't see ‘er, where is she?

Dame Hilda: Wrapped up in that rug on the floor.

Maud: Aah, snug as a bug, I'll give ‘er a shake, ere Doctor, wake up, Doctor, time to get up.

Dr. Hinge: I didn't do it, Constable. I'm innocent, I'm innocent.

Maud: Pardon, what you on about?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, it's you, Maud. I've had the most dreadful dream. I dreamt I was arrested by a blanket.

Dame Hilda: And sentenced to life imprisonment by a roller towel.

Dr. Hinge: Yes!

Maud: Sometimes I'm glad I ain't educated. Anyway, I've brought you a nice pot o’ tea.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Does it say Hilton Hotel on the teabag?

Maud: What's the Doctor on about now?

Dame Hilda: Oh, it's just a bit of fun, dear.

Maud: Now, breakfast, you can have either salmon or pheasant.

Dame Hilda: My goodness! It is like staying at a five star hotel.

Dr. Hinge: Well, they've got most of their fixtures and fittings.

Maud: Tom won't be long before ‘e's down. ‘e's having a bath, ‘e was filthy when ‘e came in at seven o'clock this morning. I says to ‘im, it looks like you've been scrambling about in the bushes all night, ‘e didn’t ‘alf laugh.

Dr. Hinge: Most amusing.

Dame Hilda: Well, dear, what do you think? Salmon or pheasant?

Dr. Hinge:  We'll have one slice of toast each.

Dame Hilda: So the prisoner didn't eat a hearty breakfast.

Maud: Right. I'll go and find the toasting fork, I think it's in the garden, Arthur used it last week for raking in the fertiliser, oh, come in, Tom.

Tom:  Morning, Dame, ‘ow are you, darling?

Dame Hilda: I'm very well, Tom, considering.

Tom: Morning, Doc.

Dr. Hinge: Good morning.

Tom:  Mum was telling me you've had a bit of bother.

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, it's storm damage, Tom, you see, our telegraph pole has snapped, and by now it's probably in Evadne's bedroom.

Tom: Oh, no problem, look, I know a feller who can get you a new telegraph pole very cheap indeed.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you for the offer, but I think we prefer to go to the GPO.

Tom: Oh, this fellow works for the GPO.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, but the post office do it free, it's part of the service.

Tom: People like that will put honest blokes like me out of business.

Dr. Hinge: And the sooner the better.

Tom: Incidentally, if your bedroom has been ruined, Doc, you're in luck.

Dame Hilda: I don't quite follow your reasoning, Tom.

Tom: Well, it's like this, Dame darling, look, if it needs decorating, I can lay me hands on some very cheap gear.

Dame Hilda: Gear?

Tom: Yeah, you know, paint and that. I can do you as many gallons of undercoat as you want.

Dame Hilda: Well, actually, that's very kind of you, Tom, what colour?

Tom: Well, shall we say Battleship Grey? You know what I mean? No questions asked.

Dr. Hinge: Pity I was just going to ask one.

Tom: Tell you what I'll do, Doc, say after breakfast, I'll get the old motorbike out and run you both
home, ‘ave a shufty at the damage and see what I can do.

Dame Hilda: Oh, that's very kind of you, but before we do, though, I'll telephone the GPO.

Tom: Now, you'll be OK in the sidecar, Dame. What about you, Doc?

Dr. Hinge: You're not getting me to ride in the sidecar.

Tom: Course not, you can go behind me on the pillion.

{Later.}

Dame Hilda: We're back, Maud. We're back.

Maud: Oh, come in, Dame ‘ilda, now, any damage?

Dame Hilda: There's no damage yet, but the pole is still threatening.

Maud: Well, what did Tom suggest?

Dame Hilda: Well, nothing really constructive, dear, he did say that we might paint it Battleship Grey and sell it to Scotland for the Highland Games.

Maud:  ‘e's full of good ideas, my Tom.

Dame Hilda: Ah, Evadne. you've made it.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I ache all over. I swear Tom deliberately sought out every pothole in the area.

Maud: Well, sit yourself down, Doctor.

Dr. Hinge: No, thank you. I'd rather stand.

Dame Hilda:  I thought you might, dear.

Maud: So you can't move back ‘ome, then?

Dame Hilda: Well, not until the post office gentlemen have made everything absolutely safe and they said they would do that as soon as possible.

Maud:  Well, all you can do then is sit it out.

Dr. Hinge: I wish I wouldn't say things like that.

Dame Hilda: Anyway, I'm afraid we'll have to impose on your generosity just a little longer.

Maud:  Oh, no bother at all, I'll cook you a nice ‘ot lunch.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Maud, we can't let you do all the work, we’ll cook the lunch for you.

Dame Hilda: In fact, we insist on cooking the lunch.

Maud: Oh, no, couldn't do that, it's Arthur, you see, ‘e won't have food cooked by anyone else but me.

Dr. Hinge: The man's a masochist.

Maud: Oh, no, it's not religion, Doctor, It's just that ‘e's fussy.

Dame Hilda: Yes, Is the poor man making any progress?

Maud: No, it's turned to mumps.

Dame Hilda: It can't be easy developing mumps from a stomach disorder.

Maud: Oh, it is for Arthur, once ‘e ‘ad a boil on ‘is nose and it affected ‘is eyesight,

Dame Hilda:  You mean he couldn't get his glasses on? Ha, ha, ha! Ah, Tom, we were just talking about you, dear.

Tom: Nothing bad I ‘ope, Dame?

Dame Hilda: Not at all, dear.

Maud: Now, Tom, what do you fancy for yer dinner?

Tom: A couple o’ eggs will do me, Mum.

Maud: ’ow do you want ‘em?

Tom: Poached.

{Later.}

Tom: Are you sure you've ‘ad sufficient, Dame?

Dame Hilda: Quite sufficient, Tom, that Water biscuit was all I needed.

Tom: ‘ow about you, Doc?

Dr. Hinge: No, my scrambled eggs were fine, thank you, you don't mind me leaving the bits of eggs shell there?

Tom: Oh, no, not at all, were they fresh enough?

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, yes.

Tom: Well, they should be, the ‘ens don't know they're gone yet.

Maud: Oh, I'm sorry, Dame Hilda, but I've had an accident with me roly-poly.

Dr. Hinge: What a shame, Maud.

Dame Hilda: What sort of accident, dear?

Maud: It sort o’ disappeared.

Dame Hilda: You mean you've lost it?

Maud: Yes, sort of.

Dr. Hinge: Maud, you can't lose a roly-poly.

Maud: Oh, I know where it is.

Dame Hilda: Oh, good, well, where is it, Maud?

Maud:  Under the kitchen cabinet, off the table, across the floor, and under the kitchen cabinet,  I tried to catch it, but it went too quick fer me.

Dr. Hinge: That must be the ultimate humiliation, outpaced by a roly-poly.

Dame Hilda: Have you tried to rescue it, Maud?

Maud: Oh, yes. I jabbed at it with a toasting fork.

Dr. Hinge: Did you kill it, or was it just a flesh wound?

Maud: Well, at least there's one good thing come out of me grubbling under the kitchen cabinet.

Dame Hilda:  And what's that, dear?

Maud: Well, I found that dumpling I lost last night.

Dame Hilda: Splendid! I should leave them there, Maud, they might breed.

Maud: Oh, Arthur will be disappointed, ‘e likes his roly-poly.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, if you ever recover it, dear, give it the kiss of life and put it in his sandwiches.

Maud: Anyway, Arthur ‘as a request.

Dame Hilda: Not his last, I hope?

Maud: Seeing as you're ‘ere, and can yer sing one of your songs to cheer ‘im up?

Dr. Hinge: We'd love to, Maud, but I doubt if we could hump your piano up the stairs.

Maud: Oh, ‘e's got it all worked out, if we leave the door open, and you can sing a bit louder than usual, and ‘e reckons ‘e'll be able to ‘ear you.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, come on then, Evadne. Are you receiving me, Arthur?

{Thud, thud.}

Maud: Yes, ‘e's receiving you. two for yes and one for no.

Dame Hilda: Oh, good, right then, yes, well... I know, what about the Crimond?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, the 23rd psalm

{Thud.}

Dame Hilda: Well, he's just said no, is that no, Arthur?

{Thud, thud.}

Dame Hilda: Yes. Well, I say, what about, I know, his favourite used to be the Teddy Bears' picnic.

{Thud.}

Dame Hilda: No.

Dr. Hinge: I know him, no, I know what he'll want, he wants some of this modern rock and roll sort of stuff, is that what you like, Arthur, something like that?

{Thud, thud.}

Dr. Hinge: Well, you're not having it.  No, I think we're safe, dear, we’ll stick to Ivor Novello.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, and what about We'll Gather Lilacs?

{Thud, thud, thud, thud!}

Dame Hilda: Has he fallen out of bed?

Dr. Hinge: I don't know, very rapid enthusiasm, I think.

 Dame Hilda: Oh, right. Well, we'll do that, shall we? This is it then, Arthur. We'll Gather Lilacs, dear

Although you’re far away

And life is sad and grey

I have a scheme, a dream to try

I'm thinking dear of you

And all I meant to do

When we're together you and I

We'll gather lilacs in the spring again

And walk together down an English lane

Until our hearts have learned to sing again

When you come home once more

And in the evening by the firelight glow

You’ll hold me close and never let me go

Your eyes will tell me all I what I want to know

When you come home once more

We'll gather lilacs in the spring again

And walk together down an English lane

Until our hearts have learned to sing again

When you come home once more

We'll gather lilacs in the spring again

And walk together down an English lane

Until our hearts have learned to sing again

When you come home once more

And in the evening by the firelight glow

You’ll hold me close and never let me go

Your eyes will tell me all I what I want to know

When you come home once more

{Home.}

Dame Hilda: Oh, it’s nice to be back in our own home again, isn’t it Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, you're so right’ I couldn't have spent another minute in that railway station.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I thought it was quite an experience, you know. sort of interesting.

Dr. Hinge:  Traumatic is the word, yes, Maud and her family drive me to despair.

Dame Hilda: Preferably not on the pillion, though.

Dr. Hinge: No, I don't want to be under the same roof as those three ever again.

Dame Hilda:  Well, you won't have to, dear, the post office men have put the new pole in, and all he has to do is connect the wires.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I noticed you having quite long chat with that engineer.

Dame Hilda: Yes, he's a charming man. He's got his city and guilds, you know.

Dr. Hinge: I hope it's not catching.

Dame Hilda: Very droll, dear, anyway, he'll be coming in shortly to test the phone.

Dr. Hinge: Well, as soon as he's done that, I'm going to settle down for a quiet evening and an early night.

{Door knocks!}

Dame Hilda: Yes, well, I don't think I shall be too late, dear.

{Door knocks!}

Dame Hilda: Ah, that'll be the telephone man, come in, oh, it's you, Maud.

Maud: Hello, Dame ‘ilda. you know, you said we could stay with you if ever we ‘ad a spot of bother.

Dame Hilda:  Did I, dear?

Maud: Yes. Well, we've got a spot of bother. We've ‘ad a burst, and the place is flooded out, I brought some blankets, and Tom's helping Arthur out of the sidecar.

Dr. Hinge: Is the phone fixed, dear? Maud, what are you doing here?

Dame Hilda: They're staying the night, dear.

Maud: Could be three days, depth of that water.

Dame Hilda:  Evadne? Evadne? where are you going, dear?