Unknown Radio Show - Possibly Pilot Before "The Enchanting World Series"
Radio Announcer: "Let's join Dr. Evadne Hinge and Dame Hilda Bracket".
Dr. Hinge: Come and get your tea, dear, before it gets cold. Dame Hilda: Yes, I'm just coming, dear. Aren't they a riot of colour this year? And of course, as you know, my favourite flowers have always been foxgloves. Dr. Hinge: Digitalis. Dr. Hinge: I was talking about the foxgloves, dear. Dame Hilda: Oh, lovely. Dame Hilda: Oh, by the way, dear, have you heard any word from Jean Sunderland? Dr. Hinge: Sutherland, dear? Dame Hilda: Oh, not to say a disaster, dear, I mean, we've always maintained a very high standard here in Stackton, you know, and we've always had a number one international guest artiste. I can't understand Joan, really, you know, they wouldn't let her do it at Covent Garden, I suppose you did put a stamp on it, didn't you? Dame Hilda: Oh, dear old Dodie, not quite in the same class, of course, but so dependable. Dr. Hinge: She'll always be plain Dodie Bantok to me, dear. Dame Hilda: Well, that's as may be, dear, but the public know her as Dorothy. Dame Hilda: Well, she was a very competent understudy in the Novello season. Dame Hilda: Oh, I hope so. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, do dear, {chirp!} Oh, Milton, dear, oh, bless your little feathered heart, how are you, darling? Oh, isn't it a lovely day? Oh, bless you, all nice and relaxed, dear. Oh, listen to that. Patience. {Twenty lovesick maidens we} Dame Hilda: Twenty lovesick maidens, do you know, Milton? When we toured with this in 1953, in Manchester we were, there was an epidemic on, you know, there was only ten of us, we had to spread out and look busy. {Twenty lovesick maidens we}
Twenty lovesick maidens we Lovesick all against our will Twenty years hence we shall be Twenty lovesick maidens still Ah, miserie Still brooding on their mad infatuation I thank thee love thou comest not to me Far happier I, free from thy ministration Than dukes or duchesses, who love can be Loved by a poet Your pardon, ladies, I intrude upon you Nay, pretty child, come hither Is it true that you have never loved? Most marvellous I cannot tell what this love may be That cometh to all, yet not to me It cannot be kind as they’d imply Or why do these ladies sigh It cannot be joy and rapture deep Or why do these gentle ladies weep It cannot be blissful as ‘tis said Or why are their eyes so wondrous red Though ev’rywhere true love I see A-coming to all, yet not to me I cannot tell what this love may be For I am blithe and I am gay While they sit sighing night and day Yes, she is blithe and she is gay Yes, she is blithe and she is gay She is extremely gay Fa la la la la! Ah miserie
Dr. Hinge: You've still got it in you, haven't you, dear? Dr. Hinge: No, you're not, are you, dear? However, the part we've chosen for you is just right, do you know, dear? Lady Jane, the elderly, ugly spinster Dame Hilda: Elderly she may be, but I shall make her attractive, have you got my song there? Dame Hilda: Yes, well, look, I tell you what, why don't we go through it now, and then you can sing Bunthorn, you see, because after all, you're very dab-hand at handling men's parts, so I'm going to...
So go to him and say to him With compliment ironical Sing Hey to you Good-day to you And that’s what you should say Your style is much too sanctified your cut is too canonical Sing bah to you Ha, ha to you And that’s what you should say I was the beau ideal of the morbid young aesthetical To doubt my inspiration was regarded as heretical Until you cut me out with your placidity emetical Sing Hey to you Good-day to you And that’s what you should say Sing bah to you Ha, ha to you And that’s what you should say Sing Hey to you Good-day to you {Hey!} Sing bah to you Ha, ha to you {Good-day!} Sing booh to you Pooh, pooh to you {Bah!} And that’s what you should say Bah! Booh! Bah! Booh! And that’s what you should say Booh! Bah! Booh! Bah! And that’s what you should say
Dr. Hinge: Very good indeed, dear. Dame Hilda: well, I slip a bit in when I can, dear. Dr. Hinge: It’s you dear. Dame Hilda: No, it’s you dear. Dr. Hinge: Is it?
I’ll tell him that unless he will consent to be more jocular Sing booh to you Pooh, pooh to you And that’s what you should say To cut his curly hair and stick an eye glass up his ocular
Dame Hilda: In dear!
To stuff his conversation full of quibble and of quiddity To dine on chops and roly-poly pudding with avidity He’d better clear away with all convenient rapidity
Sing booh to you Pooh, pooh to you And that’s what you should say Sing bah to you Ha, ha to you And that’s what you should say Sing Hey to you Good-day to you {Hey!} Sing bah to you Ha, ha to you {Good-day!} Sing booh to you Pooh, pooh to you {Bah!} And that’s what you should say Bah! Booh! Bah! Booh! And that’s what you should say Booh! Bah! Booh! Bah! And that’s what you should say
Dr. Hinge: What's the time, dear, by the way? Dr. Hinge: Oh, good heavens, dear, I must nip out and water my monsteria deliciosa, dear. {Phone rings} Dame Hilda: Oh, very well, oh, I'll get that, dear, you carry on, I'll do it. Yes, all right, yes, I'm coming, I'm coming, yes. Hello... Oh, hello, Dodie dear, how are you?... Oh, I'm very well, thank you, dear, yes… oh, and she's fine, yes, well, she still has that trouble with her knees, you know... yes, they lock, you know, it was last Monday... last Monday it took me three hours to get her off the piano stool. Well, how are you, dear?...yes, in hospital, oh, that's right, yes, you said you were going in, but I didn't think it was so soon... oh, what a pity, dear...what, all of it?... oh, you've had it all taken away, oh, well, why didn't you just settle for having it cut back, dear?...yes, yes, yes, whose idea was it? oh, Jack's, so like Jack, yes...well, I always liked that wisteria around your porch, well, you were going to give me a cutting, weren't you? Well, I suppose that's done, yes. Well, however, dear, yes, we're so looking forward to next Saturday...oh, we really are, yes, my dear, yes...what, dear?... oh, do you think that's wise, dear?... what do you mean?...no, it's Gilbert and Sullivan, dear... Novello? oh, no, I don't think the Doctor would take that...no...well, now, look, Dorothy, I feel... and it's Dame Hilda, if you don't mind... well, very well, Miss Bantok, but I do... She hung up on me. Dr. Hinge: But that's impossible, you know that? Dame Hilda: Yes, I know, but it seems impossible for Dorothy to learn all the Gilbert and Sullivan favourites. She wants us to turn it in to a Novello evening. Dr. Hinge: And what did you say? Dame Hilda: Well, I told her it was impossible, I said, after all, all the other people have learned their parts. Oh, what are we going to do? Dr. Hinge: Oh, I don't know, dear. Dr. Hinge: Oh, that’s too much. Dr. Hinge: But you know how emotional you always get when we do Novello. Dr. Hinge: Me? Dame Hilda: Yes, you are the one who gets carried away. Dame Hilda: That is very true where people's feelings are concerned. Dr. Hinge: However that may be, Novello is out, I won't have it. Dame Hilda: I'm not so sure. Dr. Hinge: What do you mean? Dame Hilda: Well, I...I think King's Rhapsody, you know, if we revived some of that, it would be beautiful, you know that lovely song that I used to like so much? Fly Home Little Heart. Dr. Hinge: What's the key, dear? Dame Hilda: Three flats.
Far, far away where the winds hover low I heard a cry like a bird in the snow Soft was my answer Have comfort my dear Why waste a moment When springtime is here Fly home little heart Although the way be long Your wings are brave and strong Fly home where you belong I know little...
Dr. Hinge: I know little heart!
I know little heart How lonely you must be So far across the sea
Dr. Hinge: So fly... Dame Hilda: I know what the words are, I have sung it before!
Fly home to me {Sob!} Soon as the dusk brings the end of the day Wistful and sweet rings that song far far away Out of the silence a voice through the foam Yearning for love and the old times at home Fly home little heart Although the way be long Your wings are brave and strong Fly home where you belong I know little heart How lonely you must be {Sob!} So far across the sea {Wail!} So fly little heart Fly home to me Fly home, dear heart Fly home to me
{Dr. Hinge plays the piano and Dame Hilda crochets a blanket in record time.} Dame Hilda: I feel quite worn out after that. Dr. Hinge: Me too, dear, let's see if a little glass of port will revive us, shall I? Dame Hilda: Oh, what a splendid idea, that would be lovely, yes, but of course, you know, dear, that still doesn't alter the fact that we've no one to take Dodie Bantok's place. There must be somebody else, you know, somebody we haven't thought of, I don't know. Of course, there’s always Jean Batkin, you know. Dr. Hinge: Oh Jean, yes. Dame Hilda: Of course, she might be dead now. Dr. Hinge: Now, what about Trixie Baker, dear? Dr. Hinge: Is she? Dame Hilda: Yes, she's touring, now, wait a minute, dear, what about Julian? Dr. Hinge: Now, I can't quibble with Julian, dear. Dame Hilda: Oh, wasn't he lovely? Dame Hilda: His Dick Dauntless, you know, was so wonderful, and of course, you see, being young, he had it off to a fine art, he was very popular, yes, he was. Dr. Hinge: I must say, dear, his hornpipe was magnificent. Dr. Hinge: Was it? Dame Hilda: Yes, that had been drilled into him by one of his naval friends. Dame Hilda: Yes, I think it was. Yes, and, you know, I always thought that was a very wise move of Julian's, you know, opening his guest house. And I'd also think, you know, that being sort... of not finicky, but choosy about his guests, you know, and so sensible to stick to the armed forces. Sailors on leave? Dame Hilda: Oh, Greville. Dame Hilda: Oh, no, no, he does something interesting in Swan and Edgar's windows. I tell you what, next time we're up in town, we can pop along, we might catch him at it. And just a small one for me, dear, all right? Dame Hilda: I'll see to that. Oh, hello, Maud, what can I do for you, dear? Dame Hilda: Oh, did you? Well, that's very nice of you, dear, you could have done it tomorrow. Oh, bless you, dear. Maud: Mumbles! Dame Hilda: Ah, guess what, dear? Ah, yes, it was Maud, dear, oh, thank you, she came with the post, she took it home in her apron pocket this morning. Oh, there's a telegram here for you, dear. Dr. Hinge: Oh, you read it, dear? I can't find my glasses. Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, well, all right, then. Now, just a minute, dear, let's have a look, dear. Oh, yes. Oh, how nice. It says, arriving Stackton Station, four o'clock Saturday. Looking forward to playing with you both, Jean Sunderland. Oh, you see, I was right about her name. Oh, wait a minute. There's a codicil here, too, dear. PS I shall be having my husband in the pit during the performance, I trust this won't offend you. Dame Hilda: Oh, it'll give your arm a rest, dear, Dr. Hinge: Isn't that exciting, dear? Dame Hilda: And give her a chance to apologise. And then tell her that we don't require her service’s. Dr. Hinge: Iolanthe, it is, dear.
Soon as we may Off and away We'll commence our journey airy Happy are we As you can see Everyone is now a fairy Every, every, every Everyone is now a fairy Though as a general rule we know Two strings go to every bow Make up your mind that grief twill bring If you’ve two beaux to every string Up in the sky Ever so high Pleasures come in endless series We will arrange Happy exchange House of peers for House of Peris Peris, Peris, Peris House of peers for house of Peris Up in the air, sky high, sky high Free from wards in Chancery I shall be surely happier for I'm such a susceptible chancellor Up in the air, sky high, sky high Free from wards in Chancery I shall be surely happier for I'm such a susceptible chancellor
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
