{Drawing room.}

Dame Hilda: Evadne, where are you, dear?

Dr. Hinge: I'm in the drawing room, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Just look at what I have got. The first bunch of primroses from the front garden, aren't they beautiful?

Dr. Hinge: Have you seen this electricity bill, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: It really is a lovely day out there, quite spring like. It makes you feel glad to be alive.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I said, have you seen this electricity bill?

Dame Hilda: Well, it makes me feel glad to be alive.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda!!

Dame Hilda: All right, all right, I heard you. I am perfectly well aware that we have had an electricity bill. After all, it was I who picked it up off the door mat and put it on the hall table.

Dr. Hinge: Do you have any idea of the size of it

Dame Hilda: It looked about the same size as usual to me. It certainly came in a small envelope. Ha, ha, ha!

Dr. Hinge: It's nothing to laugh at. This has got to be paid, you know, somehow.

Dame Hilda: I do wish you wouldn’t make such a fuss, every time we get an electricity bill, there's nothing we can do about them, you know. So what is the point of getting all het up and spoiling an entire day? Just pay it dear, and leave me to enjoy the spring sunshine, and the first primroses.

Dr. Hinge: And what do you intend to do about your half of it then? Give me a blank check.

Dame Hilda: I intend to be stoical, Evadne. Just tell me how much my half is and you shall have the money in cash at once and without any fuss.

Dr. Hinge: Very well, your half is 152 pounds, 74 and a half pence.

Dame Hilda: Right. It's what?

Dr. Hinge: What's the matter? Can't you think of a joke about that?

Dame Hilda: 152 pounds, 74 pence.

Dr. Hinge: That's right. And a half pence.

Dame Hilda: My half is.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, and my half is too. That's 305 pounds, 49 altogether. here, see for yourself.

Dame Hilda: Good gracious me. It's never been that much before. We can't pay it, of course. What are we going to do?

Dr. Hinge: Well, perhaps you could consider sitting outside the front gate with a basket in your lap selling primroses.

Dame Hilda: It's quite obviously a mistake, Evadne? Someone's doubled something that should have been left alone. It happens all the time, you know, now that they employ computers. It never used to happen, when they employed old men on tall stools with ledgers and proper pens. Well, not unless they employed some idiot who couldn't add up of course.

Dr. Hinge: There's nothing wrong with the arithmetic, Hilda. Check it yourself, if you like.

Dame Hilda:  All right, I will. How do you do that?

Dr. Hinge: Well, you look at the column marked units. That tells you how many units we've used. And then you look at the column headed, pence per unit. And you just multiply them.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, see? Oh, it's easy, isn't it? Yes, and you always make such a mystery out of it. So, it's 5.879 multiplied by 5.090.

Dr. Hinge: That's right.

Dame Hilda: Yes. Right, let me see then. What's that come to? Erm...

Dr. Hinge: It's £299.24, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Well, I know that's what it says here, dear. But that's what we're supposed to be checking, isn't it?

Dr. Hinge: And then, of course, you've got to add the standing charge of £6.25.

Dame Hilda: May I borrow your pencil and paper?

Dr. Hinge: Certainly. Here you are? No. No, don't look at that side. No cribbing. My workings out on that side? You work it out for yourself on the other side.

Dame Hilda: That's exactly what I intend to do. You're not the only one who can multiply a simple decimal, dear. And I don't have an abacus. So, let's see then. It's 5,879 multiplied by 5.090. Well, let's call it 6. Or shall we call it 5?

Dr. Hinge: Why not be ruthlessly accurate Hilda and call it 5.090?

Dame Hilda: You do it your way and I'll do it mine, thank you, I always find it easier to do the big bits first and then deal with the tiddly bits afterwards.

Dr. Hinge: What a pity you never met Einstein, you'd have been such a help to him.

Dame Hilda: Be quiet please. I'm doing my sums. Now. 5879 multiplied by 5. So, 5, 9s are... Well, 5, 10s are 50 take away 5, 1s, which is 5. And 5, 9s, 45.

Dr. Hinge: Bravo.

Dame Hilda:  So, that's 5, down and carry 4 then 5,7s are 35.

Dr. Hinge: Don't forget your 4.

Dame Hilda: Will you be quiet, please? Now, 5, 7s are 35 plus 4, which is 36...7... 8... 9.

Dr. Hinge: Well done.

Dame Hilda: So, 9, down, carry 3.  5, 8s, are 40. And 3 is 43. 3, down, carry 4. Now, 5, 5s, 25 plus 4 is 29. So, according to my reckoning, it's 29,395. There we are. 29,395.

Dr. Hinge: What?

Dame Hilda: What do you mean? What?

Dr. Hinge: Well, according to your reckoning, it's 29,395. What? I mean, if that's pounds, you've made it worse than it was before.

Dame Hilda: No, no, no, no, it's units, isn't it? It's watts, or whatever.

Dr. Hinge: It's pence, Hilda. Now, you've got to divide that by 100 to get pounds. And don't forget, you haven't done your tiddly bit yet.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, you've already checked this, haven’t you? I mean, there's really no point in wasting any more of my time. I can see it's near enough. Now, what about all these figures here, dear?

Dr. Hinge: What figures, where?

Dame Hilda: Here, these. Well, I mean, one lots in a column headed present, and the other's in a column headed previous.

Dr. Hinge: And there's a heading running across both columns.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, I didn’t notice that. And that says meter readings.

Dr. Hinge: That's right, that's what they are.

Dame Hilda: So, what's the present and previous? I didn't know they changed the meter.

Dr. Hinge: They have not changed the meter, Hilda. Present is what it read when they read it this time.

Dame Hilda: Yes.

Dr. Hinge: And previous is what it read when they read it the time before.

Dame Hilda: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha. There's your answer, then, isn't it? They've sent us two quarters together, no wonder it's big.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, why don't you go and pop your primroses in water?

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, you've got me intrigued now.

Dr. Hinge: I wish I'd never opened my mouth.

Dame Hilda: So do I, dear, but you did, and there we are. I shall get on to them at once.

Dr. Hinge: You'll get on to whom at once.

Dame Hilda: The electricity board, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I suggest that before we ring anybody, we just have a glance at the meter and see if their reading looks vaguely right. If that man hadn't come to read it while I was out, I'd have checked it with him at the time, as I usually do.

Dame Hilda: I expect that's why he came while you were out.

Dr. Hinge: Anyway, it was only a couple of days ago. So, if we read it now, we will be able to get a pretty good idea, won’t we?

Dame Hilda: Will we? Well, I honestly haven't the foggiest notion, Evadne. Meters are a complete mystery to me. I wasn't educated at a technical college.

Dr. Hinge: Nor, was I?

Dame Hilda: Oh, come, come, dear. If the Royal college of music isn't technical, I don't know what is. I mean, it's all pedals and dampers, plungers, and slides. I mean, that's why you're a Doctor, and I’m a star!

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, are you coming to read the meter or not? Now, where's the torch?

Dame Hilda: What do you want the torch for? The amount of time you spend in that cupboard under the stairs with your various meter men, you should be able to find your way around it blindfolded by now.

Dr. Hinge: I need the torch to read the meter, Hilda. Where is the torch?

Dame Hilda: In the sideboard drawer.

Dr. Hinge: Why couldn't you have said so in the first place?

Dame Hilda: And it has no batteries in it?

Dr. Hinge: Why? What’s happened to my batteries?

Dame Hilda: I threw them out, Evadne, they were kaput. I'm afraid I ran them down the other afternoon while you were out at your council meeting. I was amusing Maud, do you see, by making shadow bunnies on the kitchen wall?

Dr. Hinge: Thank heavens, I was out. Still, I shall buy new batteries for the torch, and in future I shall carry it with me everywhere I go.

Dame Hilda: Well, I'm for anything that will help people see you coming.

Dr. Hinge: And in the meantime, I suppose I'm going to have to try to find a candle.

Dame Hilda: Didn't you keep any of those that were on your last birthday cake? I mean, there must have been a good 150 of them. By the time you'd blown them all out, the ceiling was quite black.

Dr. Hinge: But at least I’m not afraid to have candles on my cake, Hilda. I don't just settle for the words another glorious year in pink icing.

Dame Hilda: But you would, wouldn't you? If that man at the confectioners knew hieroglyphics. Ooh, that’ll be Maud. I wonder if she's had her electricity bill yet.

Maud: Good morning, Dame ‘ilda. Doctor.

Dame Hilda: Morning, Maud, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Good morning, Maud.

Maud: ‘ave you ‘ad your ‘lectricity bill yet, Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, now funny you should ask that, dear. Isn't that funny, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, isn’t it Hilda, I’m tickled pink.

Maud: We’ve ‘ad ours, not the one as you pays like, not the red un. But we've ‘ad the blue un. You know, the blue un as they send you before so's the red un ain't quite such a shock.

Dame Hilda: And was it a shock, dear?

Maud: Oh, when I opened it, I didn't ‘alf give a whoop. I don't mind telling yer.

Dame Hilda: Naturally, dear, don't we all?

Maud: My Arthur, don't like me whooping. It always makes ‘im jump.

Dame Hilda: And I suppose Maud, when you whooped this morning, your Arthur jumped as usual, did he?

Maud: Oh, Dame ‘ilda, don't remind me. Unfortunately, ‘e ‘ad one foot in the sink washing it when I whooped. Well, as ‘e made very plain when I were ‘elping ‘im up off the kitchen floor, a sudden jump with one foot in the sink can be a very sobering experience.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I imagine it can.

Maud: Brought tears to ‘is eyes it did. Mind ‘e cheered up a bit when I showed ‘im the ‘lectricity bill.

Dame Hilda: Really? Oh, he was probably concussed, dear.

Dr. Hinge: With Arthur how does one tell?

Maud: Oh, you should ‘ave seen ‘is face, ‘e were that ‘appy. ‘e was smiling like a babby wi’ wind. See, it's the smallest ‘lectricity bill we've ‘ad since that quarter we was away for three months.

Dame Hilda: Haven't you had anything on then, dear?

Maud: Well, we've ‘ad lots of woollies on, but not much else. See, I were getting sick of my Arthur grumbling about ‘is ‘lectric bills, and I decides to economise. So we've ‘ad all the ‘lectric fires off, and the ‘mersion off, and I've been using the coal fire in the front room and the old back boiler. Mind, I'd not stint on the lighting, because I reckon that's both daft and dangerous. And anyhow, I don't see as ‘ow’ alf a dozen 25 watt bulbs can burn much.

Dame Hilda: You know, Evadne, perhaps we should have 25s. Would they be bright enough, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Well, hardly, Hilda. Though I do recall Stackton Tressel once attempting soleil lumiere with them.

Dame Hilda: Sorry, Maud, dear, I interrupted you, now what else have you had off?

Dr. Hinge: Electrically speaking.

Maud: Well, I've stopped cooking ‘lectric. I does it all on the range now. Takes a bit of getting used to, because it does tend to burn things, especially saucepan's. I've got through six so far, it comes a bit expensive.

Dame Hilda: Still, as long as Arthur's happy, and his electricity bills are under control.

Maud: To tell the ‘onest truth Dame ‘ilda, Arthur ain't ‘appy no more.

Dame Hilda: Why, dear, what happened?

Maud: The coal man come, with another ton ‘o coal, and the bill for the last lot. Well, we all know the price ‘o coal. But, as I says to my Arthur, I says, it's all very well you grizzling, my lad, but if I ‘ad not cut down on the ‘lectric, you'd ‘ave ‘ad that to worry about as well.

Dr. Hinge: She's brilliant. She should be in an economic think tank. Preferably right at the bottom.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, if you get any more waspish, I'm going to be afraid to open the jam in front of you.

Maud: Well, I'll be getting on, Dame ‘ilda, I'm starting upstairs this morning with the vacuuming in your bedroom.

Dame Hilda: Very well, dear. But do try not to use too much electricity, dear. We've just had a thumping great bill.

Dr. Hinge: That reminds me, Maud, do you know where the candles are?

Maud: They're in the sideboard ‘ere, Doctor? Along with the candlesticks and matches.

Dame Hilda: Oh, bring one out and stick it in a candlestick, would you?

Maud; Very well, Dame ‘ilda. But if you're trying to ‘conomise, I'd suggest 25 watt bulbs. They're a lot cheaper than candles, and they don't drip all over your knick knacks. I'll see you later.

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear. Thank you very much. She's a trier, isn't she?

Dr. Hinge: She certainly tries me. Now, light that candle, and let's go and get that meter reading checked.

Dame Hilda: Very well, dear. there we are, then, lead on, dear. ♬Heigh oh, heigh oh, It's off to work we go.♬

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, if you're going to follow me into the cupboard under the stairs with a lighted candle in your hand, I'd sooner you didn't act the goat.

Dame Hilda: Oddly enough, dear. That's one of the very few things I have never acted.

Dr. Hinge: Shame, you're so good at it. I'll go in first, and you follow. And hold the candle up high. The meter's on the wall there.

Dame Hilda: Right, Evadne. Now, how's that?

Dr. Hinge: That's fine. Now, just hold it steady while I make a note of the readings on these dials.

Dame Hilda: I feel like the statue of liberty standing here. Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.

Dr. Hinge: You'll be a huddled mass if you don't hold that candle steady.

Dame Hilda: I’m holding it as steady as a rock, dear. But the flames flickering, you see. Would you like me to hold my breath?

Dr. Hinge: If it would shut you up, yes. Why don’t you pull the door to? There's obviously a draught coming in from the hall.

Dame Hilda: Oh, very good idea, right, that's better.

Dr. Hinge: Now, let's just note these readings down. Now, let me see. One, eight, two, four, nine. That's it.

Dame Hilda: I say, Evadne. Should that disc thing be spinning round like that on the bottom of the meter there?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, that's all right, Hilda. As long as electricity is being used that revolves. Mind, it's going rather quickly, isn't it? The oven's not on, is it?

Dame Hilda: No, no, no. I'm drying the tea towels in the garden today.

Dr. Hinge: And you did remember to switch the immersion heater off after you had your bath, I hope.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, dear. I mean, it’s second nature to me now, undies on, immersion off.

Dr. Hinge: Why is it going round so quickly, I wonder.

Dame Hilda: Oh, it must be Maud with the vacuum cleaner.

Dr. Hinge: No, the vacuum cleaner is only half a kilowatt. It's something bigger than that.

Dame Hilda: Oh, look, no, you see it's going awfully slowly now. Must have been Maud. She'll be having a sit down, I dare say. Oh, no, no, no, look, it’s started going quickly again.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, there you are, then it can't have been Maud. She wasn't sitting down long enough. No, it must be fluctuating current. I'd better get onto the board. Come on, let's get out of here.

Dame Hilda: Right.

Dr. Hinge: Well, come on.

Dame Hilda: Evadne. I think I've done something rather silly. I forgot you couldn't open this door from the inside.

Dr. Hinge: You didn't shut it tight, did you?

Dame Hilda: I did.

Dr. Hinge: Oh dear,

Dame Hilda: Very tight.

Dr. Hinge: Oooh.

Dame Hilda: I think we're in here for the duration.

Dr. Hinge: Don’t be ridiculous. We'll shout for Maud.

Dame Hilda: No, she won’t hear us in here. I mean, not if she's up in my bedroom. Not with the door shut and the vacuum cleaner going, and her singing red sails in the sunset, I mean, we can't hear her can we​?

Dr. Hinge: Mercifully no. But I'm not staying in here until she chooses to come downstairs again. I'll jolly soon get her attention, you just watch this.

Dame Hilda: What are you going to do now?

Dr. Hinge: I'll switch the power off.

Dame Hilda:  Oooh!

Dr. Hinge: There we are. Now we all know what happens when her vacuum cleaner unexpectedly stops working, don't we?

Dame Hilda: I should say, first she kicks it.

Dr. Hinge: Mm-hmm, then she picks it up and shakes it.

Dame Hilda: Then she bangs it up and down on the floor.

Dr. Hinge: Then she kicks the plug.

Dame Hilda: Then she pulls the plug out and has a look at it.

Dr. Hinge: Then she sticks it back in again and gives it another kick.

Dame Hilda: And finally she comes running down the stairs shouting,

Maud: Dame ‘ilda, Dame ‘ilda, the vacuum cleaner ain't working.

Dr. Hinge: Right, Hilda, after three, one, two, three!

Ladies: {Banging the door.} Maud! Maud! Maud!  Maud!

Maud: So there you are, Dame ‘ilda. That's the last place I’d ‘ave looked.

Dame Hilda: Thank you, Maud, dear, I must say it's nice to be out of there. We managed to shut ourselves in while we were reading the meter.

Maud: Well it's lucky I ‘ad to come down then. I just wanted to tell you as the vacuum cleaner ain't working.

Dr. Hinge: I think you'll find it's all right now, Maud. We switched the power off for a moment to attract your attention, that's all.

Maud: Oh, that is a relief. Do you know, Dame ‘ilda? I thought for a moment I might ‘ave jiggered something, when I accidentally unplugged that little ‘eater in your dressin’ room. Still if everything's all right, I'll get back upstairs again.

Dame Hilda: Right, Maud. Thank you again, dear. We’ll be in the drawing room if you want us. Come on, Evadne, I'll pop this candle back on the sideboard and then we can have some coffee.

You know, dear, we really ought to get a catch put on the inside of that door to the cupboard under the stairs. Either that or put a few jigsaw puzzles in there in case anyone gets trapped again.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Yes.

Dr. Hinge: What's this little heater you've got in your dressing room?

Dame Hilda: Oh, it's just a little thing I picked up in the sales, dear. It's awfully good and it was only six pounds.

Dr. Hinge: Small is it?

Dame Hilda: Oh, it's teeny.

Dr. Hinge: Sort of squarish, box like?

Dame Hilda: That’s right, dear, you know the sort of thing? It does make such a difference.

Dr. Hinge: Probably a two kilowatt fan heater.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I think that's what it said on the box.

Dr. Hinge: And you wonder why the electricity bill's gone through the roof. How long do you have it on?

Dame Hilda: What do you mean, how long do I have it on?

Dr. Hinge: How many hours a day? I mean, what time do you switch it on in the morning?

Dame Hilda: Well, I don't, dear, I don't have to, I never switch it off.

Dr. Hinge: You mean to to say you have that thing burning day and night?

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes. I'm as snug as a bug in a rug in there.

Dr. Hinge: I bet you are. Do you have any idea what those things cost?

Dame Hilda: I think they're about 20 pounds normally. But I told you I got mine for six? It was a bargain.

Dr. Hinge: Do you have any idea of what they cost to run?

Dame Hilda: Well, about the same as the electric toaster, I imagine, and they are about the same size.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, for your information, the electric toaster makes 70 slices of toast for one unit of electricity. Your little fan heater uses one unit every half hour.

Dame Hilda: Oh, don't start talking units, Evadne. Tell me in slices of toast.

Dr. Hinge: I'll tell you in money. Even you must understand money, your little heater costs 5.090 pence per half hour. That's more than 10 pence per hour, which is two pounds fifty a day, 17 pounds a week. Do you know what that is a quarter?

Dame Hilda: No, but I can tell from the look on your face that it's something awful.

Dr. Hinge: It's 222 pounds!

Dame Hilda: 222 pounds! But they said in the shop it was a bargain. Oh, Evadne, no wonder you’re angry, dear. Well, of course, I shall pay the 222 pounds myself. And I'll never use that thing again, I promise. I'd sooner freeze to death.

Dr. Hinge: No, I'm not having you being a martyr. I shall pay my half as usual.

Dame Hilda: Well, I'm definitely not having you being a martyr. I'll pay it myself, thank you.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I'm paying my share.

Dame Hilda: Here. Wait a minute. I've only had that thing about a month. It can't be 222 pounds a month.

Dr. Hinge: Well, of course it can't. A month would cost about... well, say, 70 pounds?

Dame Hilda: Yes?

Dr. Hinge: So that still leaves us another 140 pounds to account for.

Dame Hilda: Hmm. I say, Evadne. What about all those little heater things that Mousey Butler lent you to keep your wine fermenting through the winter?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes.

Dame Hilda: I seem to remember that there were rather a lot of them. And he was hours out in that shed wiring them up and sticking them into your demi johns.

Dr. Hinge: You know, I completely forgotten about them. I must pop out and have a look at them.

Dame Hilda: Wouldn't that explain it, do you think?

Dr. Hinge: Well, yes, it probably would. Well, as long as we know.

Dame Hilda: Oh, exactly. As long as we know. Now, why don't we forget all about it? And, I know, let's sing a song.

Dr. Hinge: Good idea.

Dame Hilda: We could do that lovely one from No, No, Nanette, I want to be happy.

Dr. Hinge: Very well.

Dame Hilda: And just to make sure we are, I'll stick this electricity bill behind the clock. From now on, we'll adopt Maud's system and wait for the red un my dear. We'll probably have got over the shock by the time that comes. Right. Plug yourself in, dear and play.

I'm a very ordinary girl

Trying to work out life's happy whirl.

Doing unto others as I’d like

To have them doing them to me.

When I find a very lonely soul,

To be kind becomes my only goal.

I feel so much better

When I tell them my philosophy.

I want to be happy.

But I can't be happy

Till I make you happy too.

Life's really worth living.

When we are mirth giving,

Why can't I give some to you?

When skies are grey

And you say you are blue?

I'll send the sun smiling through.

I want to be happy

But I won't be happy

Till I make you happy too.
 

No one ever talked like that to me.

I have never known such sympathy.

Only in my dreams

It really seems to me

It’s too good to be true.

There are smiling faces everywhere

Surely I deserve my little share.

I'm a lucky girl to know that

I can get it all from you.

I want to be happy.

But I can't be happy

Till I make you happy too.

Life's really worth living.

When we are mirth giving,

Why can't I give some to you?

When skies are grey

And you say you are blue?

I'll send the sun shining through to you for

I want to be happy

But I won't be happy

Till I make you happy too.

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor