{Drawing room.}

Dame Hilda: Evadne, have you ever seen me reading a book called, The girl with the naughty wink?

Dr. Hinge: I've seen you reading all sorts of rubbish.

Dame Hilda: Why do you always assume that what I am reading is rubbish?

Dr. Hinge: Because if you're reading it it must be.

Dame Hilda: Very well. Have you ever seen me reading a load of rubbish called, The girl with the naughty wink?

Dr. Hinge: No, I can't say I remember that title particularly, no.

Dame Hilda:  No. No nor do I...

Dr. Hinge: And why the concern? I mean has, The girl with the naughty wink, become required reading in your circle?

Dame Hilda: No. It's just that I've had a card from the library. They say it's overdue but I don't remember ever having had it. Mind I've read an awful lot of her things.

Dr. Hinge: Whose things?

Dame Hilda: Monica Masters? Have you ever read any of hers?

Dr. Hinge: No never.

Dame Hilda: Cleansing fires for example. Have you ever read that?

Dr. Hinge: No. What's it about? Black leading grates.

Dame Hilda: It's about the character building properties of pain actually. It draws an analogy between the manner in which gold is purified by being cast into the furnace and the way in which people are made more pure by suffering. For gold must be tried by fire as a heart must be tried by pain.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I see, boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy finds girl again.

Dame Hilda: Are you sure you haven't read it?

Dr. Hinge: I'm quite sure.

Dame Hilda: Because it would do you good to read something like that for a change it might humanise you a little. I'm sure it's not healthy, you know, to be forever reading about dry stone walling and the life cycle of the earthworm. Your interests need widening, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: To include Monica Masters?

Dame Hilda: Well you could do a lot worse. Her books are always very accurate historically.

Dr. Hinge: Well, how would you know?

Dame Hilda: You can tell by the pictures on the covers. And the costumes are always right right down to the very last detail. Oh I do wish I could find, The girl with the naughty wink, It sounds so good doesn't it?

Dr. Hinge: Certainly sounds right up your street.

Dame Hilda: But I seem to remember having seen that book. I remember the picture on the cover.

Dr. Hinge: And was this one historically accurate?

Dame Hilda: Well I'm sure it was, they all are, It hasn’t by any chance got in among your library books has it?

Dr. Hinge: Heaven forbid! Anyway I haven't got any out of the moment.

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, no of course you haven't. So I must have, The girl with the naughty wink, then.

Dr. Hinge: Unless you left it on a bus.

Dame Hilda: I haven't been on a bus, my dear, not for ages.

Dr. Hinge: What about the car?

Dame Hilda: Oh I've been in that.

Dr. Hinge: I mean your book might be in the car.

Dame Hilda: Oh no definitely not. The garage valeted it for me the other day when they did the service.

Dr. Hinge: Have you looked in your bedroom?

Dame Hilda: Of course I have I’m not silly.

Dr. Hinge: Then how about down the side of your arm chair? That's where your books usually end up. You stuff them down there when someone calls because you're ashamed to be caught reading them.

Dame Hilda: Yes that's an idea. The reason I stuff them down here as you say elegantly put it is so that people don't think they're disturbing me. It's called politeness, dear.

Dr. Hinge: It's called being caught on the hop.

Dame Hilda: Oh, have it your way. Anyhow there's nothing down here. Well just the usual sweet papers and hair pins. Oh and look a sixpence.

Dr. Hinge: Hmm, just shows you how thoroughly Maud cleans.

Dame Hilda: You should have a look down the side of your chair, dear, you might find a groat. Perhaps that book's got down behind something or under something. Get down on your hands and knees, Evadne, and have a look around, dear.

Dr. Hinge: It's your book. What's wrong with your hands and knees?

Dame Hilda: My dear I am wearing silk stockings. You're hardly likely to ladder those lisle things of yours, they’re made for scrubbing floors in.

Dr. Hinge: Well I only wear them because I spend so much time down on my hands and knees looking for things you've lost.

Dame Hilda: Then what are you arguing about, if you're dressed for it get down and look.

Dr. Hinge: Very well.

Dame Hilda: And just hope that Maud doesn't come in while you're down there. She'll think you're playing bears.

Dr. Hinge: Maud wouldn't know whether I was down here or not. She's quite obviously never even glanced at the floor. Look at all this fluff down here. Oh! What’s this?

Dame Hilda: Have you found, The girl with the naughty wink?

Dr. Hinge: No. I think I’ve found woodworm.

Dame Hilda: Oh. Isn't that just typical of you?

Dr. Hinge: Well, I mean look at these little heaps of light coloured dust down here around the leg of this tall boy.

Dame Hilda: Oh, not my beautiful tall boy.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, it's woodworm all right. This leg's riddled with it.

Dame Hilda: But I only bought it a few months ago.

Dr. Hinge: Well it doesn't take woodworm long to eat its way through this sort of rubbish. Didn't I say it was too cheap?

Dame Hilda: I've told you, Evadne, the man gave me a special discount because he liked my eyes.

Dr. Hinge: I’ll bet he liked them, anyone else’s would have seen the woodworm.

Dame Hilda: That tall boy did not have woodworm when I bought it. I particularly asked him. Anyway I think he said mahogany was immune.

Dr. Hinge: That man would obviously have said anything. What's more I don't think it is mahogany.

Dame Hilda: What do you know about antique furniture? All you own is a camp stool and an iron bedstead, and a horsehair sofa that was given to you when they closed the workhouse in the Parva. But all that on one side, what are we going to do about that woodworm? I say, has that table leg got it in as well?

Dr. Hinge: Where?

Dame Hilda: There, what's that?

Dr. Hinge: No, I don't think so. No, this is just marks.

Dame Hilda: Oh, you see, once you’ve found it in one place you begin to see it everywhere don't you? That will be Maud.

Maud: It's all very well for you Gudrun, but I ‘as to live in this village and that's another shop I'll be embarrassed to go in again.

Gudrun: What are you babbling about?

Maud: ‘orseplay with shop keepers.

Gudrun: I only give ‘im a little peck on ‘is cheek.

Maud: Well, it weren't necessary. Not just for putting two pork pies and a saveloy on the slate.

Dame Hilda: Oh heaven, she must have that sister of her staying with her again.

Dr. Hinge: Well you know what they say Hilda, disasters always come in threes.

Dame Hilda: In threes, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, those two and woodworm.

Maud: Good morning, Dame ‘ilda. Doctor. Look who I've brought to see yer.

Gudrun: Good morning Dame ‘ilda. Doctor.

Dame Hilda: Oh, hello Gudrun. Good morning Maud.

Dr. Hinge: Good morning.

Gudrun: Did you ‘ear me getting told off Dame ‘ilda? I don't ‘ave to be long with our Maud before she starts telling me off.

Maud: I'm not surprised the way you carry on, ‘orsing about with all and sundry. Might be all right in a transport cafe in Bodmin. But round ‘ere we likes a bit more decorum, don't we Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: Well we certainly try to be decorous, dear.

Dr. Hinge: But alas we so seldom succeed

Dame Hilda: You speak for yourself, Evadne. Anyway Gudrun, how are things at your aunt's cafe these days, dear?

Gudrun: Oh, lively as ever, Dame ‘ilda. Them lorry drivers like their birra fun.

Maud: They'll not be lacking for encouragement with you there I'll be bound.

Gudrun: Well, if you've been cooped up driving all day you need to blow off some steam when you've stopped.

Maud: From what I ‘ear it's not the drivers that blows off the most steam, it's you.

Gudrun: I enjoy meself I’ll admit. It's better than being an old stick in the mud like you, ‘appy to do your ‘okey-cokey every week down at the village ‘all.

Dr. Hinge: She makes Bodmin sound like a frontier town.

Dame Hilda: Well it is dear, it's in Cornwall. By the way Gudrun, how long are you going to be staying this time, dear?

Gudrun: Oh just a few days Dame ‘ilda, just till Friday.

Maud: If she ain't sent packing afore, do you know I'd no idea she were coming Dame ‘ilda?

Gudrun: Well, I'd no idea I were coming neither not until I was on me way.

Dame Hilda: Ah so it was a surprise for both of you then was it? It's nice when people just arrive isn't it, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: No, I hate it.

Dame Hilda: You hate it even if they let you know they're coming.

Dr. Hinge: Yes. So why drag me into this cosy little conversation?

Gudrun: It were lanky ‘arry run me up Dame ‘ilda. ‘e were coming this way so ‘e offered me a lift. I jumped at it.

Maud: That's always been your trouble. You jumps too easily at things. The first I knowed were when I seed this ‘uge juggernaut trailer thing pulling up outside the front door. It was tea time and I’d just got my Arthurs chop in the pan. Well, I goes to the window and I sees ‘er, clambering out the cab, shouting and giggling and carrying on. I says to Arthur, oh god! it's our Gudrun, trust ‘er to arrive at tea time when we've only got two pork chops.

Dame Hilda: Well that's one thing about family isn't it, dear? You don't have to pretend?

Gudrun: You don't have to be so darn rude neither. I didn't come empty ‘anded did I? That bacon joint I give yer must ‘ave weighed ten pounds. It was bacon as lanky were carrying Dame ‘ilda, e's got a ‘eart of gold that man. Well not many’d give you a bacon joint and give you a lift up from Bodmin just because yer does ‘is eggs over easy for ‘im.

Dame Hilda: Does his eggs over easy, dear? What does that mean or shouldn't I ask?

Gudrun: It's American Dame ‘ilda. I don't know where lanky picked it up but that's ‘ow he likes ‘em done, flipped over and fried on both sides.

Dr. Hinge: Isn't it fascinating to hear an expert explain the finer points of haut cuisine?

Maud: Well I suppose I'd best be getting down to work.

Dr. Hinge: Perhaps, Hilda, we should let Maud take a day or two off as she has her sister with her.

Dame Hilda: What, dear?

Dr. Hinge: As she has her sister with her...

Dame Hilda: Oh, I see what you mean? Yes that's probably a good idea. What do you say to a day or two off Maud? You could show Gudrun the sights.

Maud: What sights? Stackton ain't got no sights.

Gudrun: I saw everything worth seeing round ‘ere when I was a girl.

Dame Hilda: Yes, I bet you did, dear.

Gudrun: I didn't come ‘ere to enjoy meself. I only came to see you Maudie.

Maud: Well, if it's all the same to you Dame ‘ilda, I prefer to stay.

Dame Hilda: Well thank you Maud. It's very kind of you dear. Isn't it, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, isn't it Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Incidentally if either of you come across a library book with a theatrical looking cover it's mine.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, and if you come across some woodworm that's Dame Hilda’s as well. She brought that in her tall boy.

Maud: Woodworm? ‘ave you got woodworm Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, I haven't, dear, but my tall boy has. Just in the one leg and really very few of them. Evadne, what did you have to mention that for? It sounds so sordid.

Dr. Hinge: Well it's just as well that everyone's alerted Hilda and on the lookout. That worm's not going to go away, you know, just because you choose to ignore it.

Dame Hilda: Trust you to be well up on the insensitive nature of the woodworm.

Gudrun: We used to ‘ave terrible woodworm at ‘ome didn't we Maudie?

Maud: Mmm, terrible. It were in everything. Every stick of furniture was permanently stood with its legs in old tobacco tins full of paraffine.

Gudrun: Paraffine was dad's cure for everything.

Dame Hilda: Wasn't it an awful fire hazard, dear. You know, having tobacco tins full of paraffin lying about all over the floor.

Maud: Oh well, so it turned out Dame ‘ilda. And that were dad's fault, being careless.

Gudrun: Mind we never ‘ad no woodworm after the fire.

Dr. Hinge: That's what you should do with your tall boy, Hilda, burn it. Take it out and burn it before those things get a real hold in this room.

Gudrun: Oh, should me and Maudie carry it out for you now Dame ‘ilda, I love bonfires.

Dame Hilda: No no, dear, no no no. Some of the most exquisite and rare pieces of furniture in the world have had woodworm in them you know. I dare say they've had their fair share of woodworm even at Buckingham palace. But I doubt very much whether her Majesty immediately rushed the stricken pieces out to a bonfire. And quite honestly I don't see her standing her legs in little tobacco tins full of paraffin either, not with all those corgi’s about. No, I’m sure there is a very simple solution.

{Door knocks!}

Dame Hilda: Who is that I wonder?

Gudrun: I'll go.

Maud: No you won't, I answers the door in this ‘ouse. The sort of people who call on Dame ‘ilda, don't expect a lot of ‘orse play. You can go straight to the kitchen and give that floor a scrub,  perhaps that'll sober yer up a bit. Coming down to breakfast in yer dressing gown, my Arthur's not used to that sort o’ thing.

Gudrun: Well, ‘e will be by Friday, ‘e's deserves a bit of a treat.

Dr. Hinge: I wonder if whoever knocked is still waiting on the step.

Maud: All right Doctor I'm going. Come along you, come on.

Gudrun: We'll see you both later.

Dr. Hinge: What a dreadful family.

Dame Hilda: Oh they're not so bad.

Dr. Hinge: Not so bad, they're awful Hilda, quite awful.

Dame Hilda: They've both got hearts of gold, you know.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, that phrase does irritate me. People only use it when they can't think of a single redeeming point about someone.

Dame Hilda: I don't think that's necessarily true, Evadne, I'm always telling people you've got a heart of gold.

Gudrun: Oh, ‘ello, Mousey, didn't expect to see me did you, gonna take me ferreting in the woods later on?

Maud: If you must know Mr. Butlers come to see the Doctor, so button your lip and ‘op’ it.

Dr. Hinge: Well, that settles it Hilda, until Friday we shall just have to make sure that one of us always answers the door. Those two amount to intimidation.

Dame Hilda: Now calm down, Evadne, you don't want Mousey Butler to catch you looking grumpy do you? {Knock.} Come in Mr. Butler.

Mousey: Ah, thank you, Dame Hilda. And a very good morning to you both.

Dame Hilda: And to you too dear. Sit yourself down.

Dr. Hinge: I must apologise for the raucous reception committee Mr. Butler.

Mousey: No, no need Doctor I do assure you, no need at all. Though I will admit that it came as a bit of a surprise, I didn't know the other one was back.

Dame Hilda: Well, we've only just found out ourselves.

Mousey: She never changes does she?

Dr. Hinge: No never.

Mousey: They were always a loud family. Never kept neighbours for very long. When I was a child we lived five doors down from them. Oh, just for a very short while. It was making mother quite violent. But as the years passed by, well, one tends to forget, mercifully. Well, I'll not detain you. But you may remember Doctor that a day or two ago you were admiring by fat hen.

Dr. Hinge: Ooh, I do indeed Mr. Butler. And I would have taken you up on your very kind offer, had I not been on my way to a council meeting.

Mousey: Which is why I brought it round Doctor, It's beautifully fresh.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Mr. Butler if you have what I think you have in that carrier bag of yours. Might I ask you not to get it out in front of me. I can't bear the sight of dead birds, especially if they're still wearing feathers.

Mousey: Oh goodness me Dame Hilda, it's not a bird. It's a plant, look, chenopodium album, fat hen, variously known as dirt weed, muck hill weed and dirty dick.

Dr. Hinge: It's supposed to be extremely good to eat Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Then you’d think they’d have called it something a little more appetising wouldn’t you?

Mousey: In the Midlands they call it wild spinach.

Dame Hilda: Good for them such sensible people.

Mousey: Alas fat hen is now generally looked upon as a common weed. Yet it is rich in vitamins B1 and B2, in iron, in protein and in calcium. Richer by far than raw cabbage or even spinach. It was very widely cultivated and eaten in neolithic times you know.

Dame Hilda: Oh, so that's where Evadne got her taste for it.

Mousey: I’ll leave it down by the side of this chair for you Doctor. Oh, I say. Did you know you have woodworm in this arm?

Dame Hilda: Oh no! At this rate we'll be eaten alive in our beds.

Mousey: I am sorry Dame Hilda. I didn't mean to alarm you. Its only a very tiny bit.

Dr. Hinge: The trouble is Mr Butler that our tiny bits are beginning to mount up. We've also got it at the tall boy there.

Mousey: What a shame. Still it's not impossible to cure. But if I might make a suggestion I would have all your furniture treated. You have so many beautiful pieces.

Dame Hilda: What exactly might that involve Mr Butler?

Mousey: Oh nothing very much. I could do it myself for you. I'm well practised, I could fumigate.

Dame Hilda: Oh I don't think I like the sound of that.

Mousey: Alternatively I could spray, brush or inject your furniture using one of the proprietary insecticidal fluids. Ah, but then you have cats don't you?

Dame Hilda: Yes dear, and what can they do?

Mousey: No no, you see one has to be very careful. So many preparations are harmful to domestic animals especially cats. They'd have to be kept out of the treated room for at least 48 days.

Dr. Hinge: 48 hours surely Mr Butler?

Mousey: Alas no Doctor. The most recent advice from the British Veterinary Association is 48 days.

Dame Hilda: But that's seven weeks. I couldn't possibly keep the cats out of here for seven weeks, I can hardly keep them out for seven minutes. Woodworm or no woodworm Mr Butler, these are their favourite armchairs.

Mousey: Well there is another alternative Dame Hilda.

Dr. Hinge: I've already told her to have a bonfire.

Mousey: No, no, no. There is an old country method which many people swear by. One simply cuts small blocks of alder wood, drills tiny holes in them and dots them about the infected room. The furniture beetle will then lay its eggs in the alder blocks rather than in one's furniture. It seems they are particularly partial to alder wood. Well, I suppose we all have our little peculiarities.

Dame Hilda: Yes, that would appear to be the best method Mr Butler even for the woodworm.

Mousey: I shall go and prepare some blocks for you at once. I will then take the already infected pieces to my workshop for treatment and return them with a clean bill of health. And should any more come to light just let me know.

Dame Hilda: You are very kind Mr Butler. Evadne, dear, show Mr Butler to the door would you?

Mousey: No, no, no. Dame Hilda, If I might be permitted to slip out of the garden window instead. One doesn't want to appear antisocial but I would very much like to avoid a further encounter with the Bullet sisters. They always give me such a headache.

Dr. Hinge: Mr Butler believe me if that's all they give you, you're lucky.

Mousey: Oh, thank you so much, goodbye for now then.

Dr. Hinge: Goodbye Mr Butler and thank you.

Dame Hilda: Bye bye, dear. I say, Evadne, look there on the window ledge behind the curtain. My library book.

Dr. Hinge: Well so it is Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Well, how on earth did it get there I wonder?

Dr. Hinge: Well, it's my bet that you stuck it there the day the vicar called. You were standing at the window and you certainly wouldn’t have wanted him to see the sort of rubbish you were reading.

Dame Hilda: Well I must say this is turning into a rather nice day after all. I’ve found my book and the woodworm is going to be dealt with. You know what Evadne? I think I feel like singing, dear.

Dr. Hinge: I thought you might.

Dame Hilda: Something happy, dear and I know just the thing. It's over here somewhere, now, where are we? Oh yes. Now, you sit yourself at the piano while I look. Ah yes, yes this is it, here we are. Looking on the bright side. Sounds the right sort of thing.

I'm looking on the bright side

Though I'm walking in the shade

Sticking out my chest

Hoping for the best

Looking on the bright side of life.

I'm waiting for the right time

And if luck comes to my head

Giving me a break.

I shall be awake

Looking on the bright side of life

Today I’m in the shadow tomorrow maybe

The clouds will lift and let the sun shift over to me

I'm looking on the bright side

Though today’s all care and strife

I shall wear a grin

Keeping up my chin

Looking on the bright side of life.

I just borrow from tomorrow

Some comfort for today

When tomorrow comes

Care and sorrow may vanish away

Sometimes grey days make us weary

And nothing seems worth while

Though it's difficult just keep cheery

And say with a smile.

I'm looking on the bright side

Though I'm walking in the shade

Sticking out my chest

Hoping for the best

Looking on the bright side of life.

I'm waiting for the right time

And if luck comes to my head

Giving me a break.

I shall be awake

Looking on the bright side of life

Today I’m in the shadow tomorrow maybe

The clouds will lift and let the sun shift over to me

I'm looking on the bright side

Though today’s all care and strife

I shall wear a grin

Keeping up my chin

Looking on the bright side of life

Dame Hilda: That was nice. Now I don't know what your plans are for the rest of the day, dear, I suppose you'll be wanting to muck about with that fat hen of yours. But I am going to my room, I'm going to lie on the bed and I'm going to read, The girl with the naughty wink. I must say it looks lovely and just listen to this end. There was to be no more trouble, no more pain. The winter was almost over and spring lay ahead. Queenie May was at last accepted as the new Countess of Mildenbury.

Dr. Hinge: Oh God.

Dame Hilda: And her dear Rupert was already on the mend. She tossed the last of the wretched alder wood onto the bonfire and watched as the sparks blew skywards. Carrying with them the last vestiges of the ill luck that had so dogged that house since the fateful day when the alder had been…. EVADNE!! it's unlucky to have alder wood in the house.

Dr. Hinge: It's even more unlucky to have woodworm. Anyway you can’t surely believe every word you read in those trashy novels of yours.

Dame Hilda: It’s not trash, Evadne. It's Monica Masters, Monica Masters. And her research is always impeccable. We shall have to phone Mousey and tell him to use one of the other methods.

Dr. Hinge: Well I know which one I've plump for.

Dame Hilda: Which, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Fumigation.

Dame Hilda: Why fumigation, dear?

Dr. Hinge: Well economy dear. We can have Maud and Gudrun done at the same time.

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor