Christmas Night With Hinge & Bracket.
Dame Hilda: Dear diary, so another Christmas day is almost over. I am seated now in my favourite armchair and writing this in front of a crackling Yule log. The drawing room looks at its very best with its sprigs of fresh holly and its gaily lit tree and as the evening settles over the old manse a mood of peaceful well-being pervades. Well, it would be peaceful if it wasn't for the Stackton silver band oompahing in the street outside and Evadne trying to crack walnuts with the poker on the hearth. {Drawing room.} {Crack!} Dame Hilda: Evadne, why don't you use the nutcrackers, dear? Dr. Hinge: I can't find the nutcrackers. Dame Hilda: Well, aren't they in the bowl with the nuts? Dr. Hinge: I don't know, I can't find the bowl with the nuts either. These are just a few that were lying under the dining room table. I haven't seen that bowl since lunchtime. Dame Hilda: Well, it can't have gone far. There were only the two of us and your mother for lunch. {Crack!} Oh, stop it, Evadne! You're bending the poker and chipping the hearth. Dr. Hinge: Would you like me to do you one? Dame Hilda: No, I would not. Not until you find the nutcrackers. Dr. Hinge: I fancy I know where they are. I expect mothers got them. Dame Hilda: Well, why should she have them? She's been up in her bedroom all afternoon, resting. Dr. Hinge: There's nothing she likes better than lying on the bed cracking nuts. Dame Hilda: Honestly, what a family. Your ancestors must have been squirrels. I say, Evadne, has that silver band’s stopped at last? Dr. Hinge: Yes, they stopped a few moments ago. Dame Hilda: Do you suppose they’ve finished for the day? Dr. Hinge: Of course they have, it's seven o'clock. Dame Hilda: Well, what on earth's that got to do with it? Dr. Hinge: The pubs are open. I mean, they only play on Christmas Eve to get away from their wives and families. As soon as the pubs are open, in they go, and they'll not be out till closing time. Dame Hilda: Christmas doesn't make you any more charitable, does it, dear? Mind, I must admit, I shall be glad when they add a second carol to their repertoire. Six weeks of ‘Once in Royal David’s city’ is a bit much. {Crack!} Evadne, will you stop that? You carry on like that, you'll have my eye out. Dr. Hinge: There you are? This one's yours. Dame Hilda: What do you mean it's mine, it's smashed to smithereens, and it's covered in cinders. Dr. Hinge: Well, do you want it or not? Dame Hilda: No, I don't. And give me that poker. Dr. Hinge: All right, I've finished. That's the last of them. Unless mother brings any down with her when she comes. And knowing our luck, you bet she'll be down any minute and we'll all have to be Christmassy again, Dame Hilda: Again? I don't remember you being particularly Christmassy at all, dear. You wouldn't even pull your cracker when we were pulling ours. Dr. Hinge: I can't bear all that din at lunchtime. Dame Hilda: It was hardly a din, dear, just a few polite bangs. Dr. Hinge: And what about the squeakers? Dame Hilda: Yes, your mother and I rather enjoyed those squeakers. Now what on earth did I do with mine? Dr. Hinge: If you start blowing that thing again, I'm going out. Dame Hilda: Where to, dear? Down to the pub with the silver band. Dr. Hinge: Anywhere for a bit of peace and quiet. Dame Hilda: Incidently, Evadne. Did you send me a Christmas card this year? Dr. Hinge: Well, of course I did. Dame Hilda: Then, where is it? Dr. Hinge: On the mantelpiece, dear. You've hidden it behind the rather vulgar one that you sent me. Dame Hilda: Vulgar! That is a genuine Victorian Christmas card, dear. 1878, your period. Dr. Hinge: All that paper lace and a robin as big as a buzzard. Dame Hilda: It's a lovely little robin, Evadne. I choose it specially because of the robin. I thought you liked robins. Dr. Hinge: Not when they look carnivorous. Dame Hilda: That's what they call a trick card, you know. You pull the little string and the robin moves its head. Dr. Hinge: I pulled the little string and his head fell off. Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, you haven't broken it? Dr. Hinge: It’s all right. I stuck it back on again. Dame Hilda: Oh, but look, its head doesn't waggle any more. It's a wicked waste of time giving you nice things. And is this the card you sent me then? Dr. Hinge: Yes, that's it. You mean you haven't even bothered to look at it? Dame Hilda: Well, I'm looking at it now, dear, aren't I? Ooh, very festive. An equestrian portrait of Frederick William III of Prussia. With both him and his horse in full mourning. Dr. Hinge: It's lovely engraving, isn't it? Dame Hilda: Yes, but not awfully seasonal. No wonder I hid it. Dr. Hinge: Well, if you don't like it, I'll have it back. I would like it for my scrapbook. Dame Hilda: Oh, is that why you didn't write anything on it? Dr. Hinge: Oh, oh, I think I can hear mother moving about upstairs. Dame Hilda: She's probably cracking her nuts under the wardrobe. Dr. Hinge: Now, Hilda, when she comes down, don't encourage her. She's had a very hectic few days, and she's got to be up bright and early tomorrow. We're going out with the Dyrenforths, Beagling. Dame Hilda: Whatever you do, dear, don't wear your coat with the fur collar. The hounds will tear you to pieces. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, will you listen? I don't want mother overdoing it this holiday. Dame Hilda: Oh, don't worry, dear. We'll have a nice, quiet restful evening in. We've all got a heavy day tomorrow, and don't forget, that in the evening we're all going to the co-op hall for the WVS pantomime. Ali Baba and the 40 thieves. Dr. Hinge: 20! Dame Hilda: What, dear? Dr. Hinge: I gather they've only been able to rustle up 20. Dame Hilda: Well, I'm not going to let that spoil my evening, dear. After all, one doesn't go to count the thieves, does one? One goes to have a little social drinkie backstage and see what sort of a mess the Lady Mayoress is looking. Last year, she looked as if she were modelling for Oxfam. {Door knocks!} Dame Hilda: Oh, now, who on earth can that be? Dr. Hinge: Oh, heaven only knows. I tell you what, shall we turn out all the lights and pretend we're out? Dame Hilda: Well, that's it, dear, yes. true Christmas spirit. Maureen: All right, girls, I’ll answer the door, I’m on my way down. Dr. Hinge: Oh, trust, mother. I suppose having rested all afternoon, she's now raring to go again. Dame Hilda: Well, do try to be a little more hospitable, Evadne. After all, Christmas comes, but once a year. Dr. Hinge: Thank God. Dame Hilda: Stick a sprig of holly in your hair and smile. I say, girls, look who I've got here. It's Major Dyrenforth. Did I not tell you we should have hung mistletoe in the hall? Dr. Hinge: We hung mistletoe in the hall last year, and even the milkman stopped calling. Major: Good evening, ladies. Dame Hilda: Hello, Major. Dr. Hinge: Good evening, Major. Major: I do hope I'm not intruding. Dame Hilda: Of course you're not, dear. We were just saying how nice it would be if somebody had dropped in. Sit yourself down and get a warm. Major: Thanks. I don't know why, but Christmas day always seems such a long day, doesn't it? Dr. Hinge: Perhaps it's because we'll have to get up so early, slaving for other people. Maureen: I don't know who you think you've been slaving for, my girl. It certainly wasn't me. Had it not been for Hilda, I'd not have had my breakfast yet. Dame Hilda: Now, now Maureen, it is Christmas, and we really must try not to say such things. However true they may be. Major: Things have got a bit snappy at home, as a matter of fact. That's why I popped out for a while. I was going to have a quiet drink at the pub, but it's full of bands men arguing the toss. Dame Hilda: Well, I tell you what, why don't we all have a little sherry? If Evadne’s not too worn out to pour it for us? Major: Been a hectic Christmas for you has it doctor? Dr. Hinge: Not especially Major, no, but keeping these two constantly supplied with sherry would have exhausted Gunga Din. Maureen: You know, Major, you're just what we all needed. A bit of company to liven us up. A new face. I was thinking I'd be sat here like a pudding all evening, just looking at those two. Dame Hilda: Our faces may not be new, Maureen, but they're surely not so unpleasant to look at. Well, I know mine isn't. Maureen: It wasn't yours, I was thinking of Hilda. It was Mona, old misery guts over at the sideboard there. Dr. Hinge: Are you sure you should have some more to drink, mother? It seems to be making you a little liverish. Maureen: Well, I hardly think the amount you're pouring is going to do me much harm, dear. Isn't that what they call half measures? Dame Hilda: Oh, do fill them up, Evadne. Otherwise you're going to be up and down like a yo-yo all evening. Major: Do you know, Hilda? I’ve hardly had a drop to drink all day, and it wasn't for want of trying. But every time I poured myself a little glass of something, Lorna snatched it out my hand and passed it to somebody else. Dr. Hinge: Then you shall have the first sherry Major, there. Major: Thank you so much. Dr. Hinge: And don't let go of the glass of mother’ll snaffle it! Major: Well. Happy Christmas, everybody. Dame Hilda: Happy Christmas, dear, and many more of them. Maureen: Happy Christmas, Dame Hilda: Evadne? Dr. Hinge: What? Dame Hilda: Happy Christmas, dear. Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes. Happy Christmas. Maureen: That's an improvement. You should have seen Mona at dinner time, Major. She’d not even pull a cracker with us. Dame Hilda: She put hers in her handbag and she thinks we don't know. Ha, ha. Major: We didn't have crackers this year. Lorna bought some newfangled things, sort of lumps of cotton wool, like snowballs. One ferrets about in them and supposedly comes across things. I didn't come across anything, just more cotton wool. Dr. Hinge: I wish we'd had those. I could have stuffed the cotton wool in my ears and shut out the noise these two were making with their squeakers. Dame Hilda: I say, Major, if you'd like to pull a cracker now, I'm sure we've got one or two left in the box. Maureen: No, we haven't Hilda. I threw the box out, you and I pulled the lot trying to find one with a magnet in it. Major: Someone found a magnet in one of our snowballs, but it wasn't a very strong one. Wouldn't pick up a pin or anything like that. In fact, there was a little sliver of metal included with it, but it wouldn't even pick that up. Made in Hong Kong. Dame Hilda: Makes you wonder why the Chinese are so attracted to the place, doesn't it? Ha, ha. Dr. Hinge: I can see I shall get no peace until it's pulled. Now, if you would like to pull it with me Major, you're very welcome. Major: Oh, most kind of you Evadne, I never think Christmas is Christmas without a cracker. Dame Hilda: Oh, let me pull it with the Major, Evadne. Dr. Hinge: No, no, no. it's mine. Maureen: Now don't be so mean, girl! Dr. Hinge: Mean? There were a dozen crackers in that box, mother, and you two have pulled 11 of them. Maureen: Mona, you're being dog in the manger, dear. You don't even like crackers. I bet if you pulled it, it wouldn't even crack. Now, give it here, you're embarrassing the Major. Dr. Hinge: Very well. I'm sorry, Major. It's been like this all day here. You know, I had to hide a mince pie in the grandfather clock, just to make sure I got one. Maureen: And even then she didn't because I found it. But she doesn't know that yet. Dame Hilda: Here, Major, ready? Major: Ready! Dame Hilda: Then pull. Ha, ha. Major: I say, how jolly curious, just look what I've got. Dame Hilda: A magnet. I knew there’d be one Maureen: I suppose you peeped, Evadne, and were keeping it from us. Major: Here, you'd better have it, Hilda. Dame Hilda: Give it to Evadne. It'll make up for her mince pie. Dr. Hinge: I don't want your rotten old magnet. Dame Hilda: All right, then you have the paper hat. Dr. Hinge: And I don’t want the paper hat either. Dame Hilda: Oh, go on, dear. It's your colour, puce! Oh, Major, may I read the motto out? Major: By all means, here you are. Dame Hilda: Oh. Oh, it's not a motto. It's a riddle. Here, Evadne, as it was your cracker, I’ll let you answer it. Where was the Magna Carta signed? Dr. Hinge: It wasn't signed. It was sealed with the great seal of King John. Dame Hilda: All right, clever clogs. Then where was it sealed? Dr. Hinge: At Runnymede. Dame Hilda: No, that's not the answer. Dr. Hinge: It most certainly is. According to the charter itself, it was granted in the meadow called Runnymede between Windsor and Staines on the 15th of June at 1215. Dame Hilda: Evadne, this is a riddle. Not an A-levels examination. Now, where was the Magna Carta signed..err sealed? Maureen: I know the answer to that one. Dame Hilda: All right, where? Maureen: At the bottom! Dame Hilda: Yes, ha, ha, ha! how clever you are, Maureen! it's right at the bottom. Dr. Hinge: Oh, that's just stupid. Major: Do you know, I can still remember one rather like that from school days. The question was, which King of England wore the largest shoes? Maureen: Aye, and the answer to that one was the one that had the biggest feet! Dame Hilda: I say you two must have been educated on crackers. P&D:♬We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, and happy new year♬ Dr. Hinge: Honestly, Carol singers on Christmas night I’ve a jolly good mind to go upstairs and throw a bucket of water over them. Mandy: Cooee, is anybody there? Peter: Father Christmas is here. Mandy: And he's brought the Christmas tree fairy. Peter: Ding, dong! Dr. Hinge: Oh, God, it's them, the Moores. You know, I think I will go upstairs and chuck a bucket of water over them. Maureen: Who is it that she's so keen to treat like a pair of fighting dogs? Major: It sounds like Peter and Mandy Moore, doesn't it, Hilda? Dame Hilda: Yes, I'm afraid it does, dear. You met them the other night, Maureen. We went round to their place for drinks. You remember? The little cottage with a cocktail bar made out of half a farm cart. Maureen: Aye, and the ice bucket with a thatched lid. I must say, I thought they were jolly good fun. And they played the pipe and tabor well. Dr. Hinge: Yes. You should see the 12th century fertility dance. Maureen: Perhaps I'd best go and let them in before they start performing it on the step. Coming! Major: They were round at our place earlier this evening, you know, the Moores. But Lorna switched all the lights off and we pretended to be out. Dr. Hinge: You see Hilda, it's quite common practice at Christmas. Especially in Stackton. Major: Sat there in the dark for almost 20 minutes in total silence, we did. Dr. Hinge: Oh, bliss. Major: And then Lorna went into the hall to see if they'd gone, and there they were, looking through the letterbox. So we had to have them in. Had to pretend we'd been having a seance. Dame Hilda: Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. Maureen: Well, come along in, my, dears, the party's in here. Mandy: Hello, everybody, it’s only us, Hi. Peter: Noel, Noel! All: Hello! Maureen: Nice to meet you. As this seems to be turning into a party, Hilda, I think I'd better go to the house. I think I'd better go to the kitchen and make another bowl of my special punch. Peter: I say that sounds jolly exciting. What do you put in it? Maureen: Anything we've got left. Would you care to give me a hand, Major? Major: Oh, yes, of course. Absolutely delighted. Maureen: Did I not tell you, Hilda, we should have hung mistletoe in the kitchen? Dame Hilda: A couple of glasses if your punch Maureen, and we'll none of us need mistletoe. Dr. Hinge: We'll need stomach pumps. Maureen: Come along, Major. Dr. Hinge: Now, Mother, do close the door behind you. Dame Hilda: Now, come along, you two. Sit yourselves down. Make yourselves comfortable. Mandy: Well, thank you, but we don't want to impose, Dame Hilda. We just popped around to wish you the season's very best, and to bring you and the Doctor our little prezzies. Give them the prezzies, P. Peter: I haven't got the prezzies, D. You've got the prezzies. Mandy: No, no. You've got them, dear, surely. Peter: No. Mandy: But, P, I distinctly remember saying to you, have you got the prezzies, and you saying yes. Peter: Ah, that was earlier. I had them then. But then you said, hadn't you better wear your Angora muffler? It's quite nippy out. So, I put the prezzies down on the dining room table and went into the hall to put my muffler on. And then you came out of the dining room and said, let's go and we went. Well, naturally, I assumed that you'd picked up the prezzies. Mandy: P. Why would I have picked them up when I thought that you had them? Peter: Oh, but I didn't know you thought I had, I thought you had. Dame Hilda: Look, I mean, don't upset yourselves. After all, it is the thought that counts, isn’t it? Mandy: We’ll, pop them around some other time if that's all right? Peter: Yes. Dr. Hinge: We're going to be out tomorrow, all day! Dame Hilda: Was that the front door I heard? Now, who can that be? Dr. Hinge: Well, let's hope it's mother leaving. Maud: Dame ‘ilda!. Dame ‘ilda!. Dr. Hinge: Oh, my God, it's Maud. That's all we need. Dame Hilda: Well, come along in Maud, dear, don’t be shy. Maud: Oh, I'm ever sorry, Dame ‘ilda. I didn't know as you ‘ad company. I've just fetched them knives and forks back as you lent me for dinner time. They've not been used, ‘alf of my lot didn't turn up. There was just 15 of us sat down to dinner in the end. It was lucky we didn't buy a turkey, that little capon did us just fine. We didn't even ‘ave to open the tin of ‘am. Dr. Hinge: Your Arthur must be a very fine carver, Maud? Maud: That ‘e is doctor, very fine indeed. Especially when ‘e's carvin' for them relatives of ‘is. ‘e begrudges them every morsel. Dame Hilda: Then why on earth does he invite them, dear? Maud: ‘e don't invite them. They just arrives ‘ave done every year since 1957, mind, they've been thinning out a bit in recent years, thank ‘eavens. Mandy: We absolutely love having relatives around for Christmas, don't we, P? Peter: Oh, I should jolly well say we do, dear. Funny thing is though, they never come. Dr. Hinge: A trying time, I agree. If you want people to come, they don't. And if you don't want them, they do. Dame Hilda: Evadne! Well Maud, dear. Do sit down. You know, you really needn't have brought the cutlery back tonight, tomorrow would have done. Maud: To tell the truth, Dame ‘ilda I were glad of an excuse to get out the ‘ouse. Arthur's just sitting there arguing with ‘is cousin again. It’s the same every year, and always the same old things. ‘itler and the league o’ nations. And what right did Mussolini ‘ave to be in Abyssinia? Dr. Hinge: Burning issues, everyone. Major: Look out, everybody. Make way for the punch! All; ♬For tonight we’ll merry merry be, for tonight we’ll merry merry be, Dame Hilda: Oh, lovely. Maureen: Oh, Maud, so you're here, are you? Well, you may as well make yourself useful. You can start to serve the punch. Maud: I ain't ‘ere to work, madam, I'm ‘ere to ‘ave Christmas like the rest o’ yer. Maureen: Now, look here... Dame Hilda: I know, now, everybody help themselves. That's a good idea. I say this is really rather nice. Now, we're all here, why don't we play games? Who's for postman's knock? Or what about Sardines? Dr. Hinge: I think I prefer Bridge. Maud: I can't play Bridge. Dr. Hinge: That's why I prefer it. Major: Does anyone know a game called Up Jenkins? All: No. Major: Oh, er, just a thought. Mandy: We know a good little game, don't we, P? Vintery mintery, Peter: Oh, yes, we know a lot of good little games, don't we? Mandy: It's a very, very old one, dates from 1848. Dame Hilda: How nice, I bet Evadne will remember that one. Major: Another one we used to play in the services was Tishey-toshey. All you need is a table and a tennis ball. They do say that it was playing Tishey-toshey that taught Bosanquet the googly. Maureen: I do hope I’m not being obtuse Major, but who the devil is Bosanquet? Dame Hilda: Any relation of Darling Reggie. Maureen: And what on earths a googly? Major: Never mind. Maud: Oh, why don't we play Stick-a-tail on the donkey? Dr. Hinge: If it wasn't Christmas, I’d tell you. Mandy: You'll all love in vintery mintery, it's terribly simple. Let's say we start with P. Now we all put our fore fingers on P's knee. Dame Hilda: I Say, it does sound fun, doesn't it? Peter: Yes, you all put the fore fingers of your right hand side by side on my knee. Then I touch them each in turn and I say, Vintery mintery, cutery corn Apple seed and apple thorn Wire, brier, limber lock Five geese in a flock Sit and sing By a spring O-U-T and in again Mandy: And the one whose finger he happens to touch when he says in again has to pay any forfeit the other's care to name. Peter: Or she can run away and we all have to catch her. Dame Hilda: Given the choice I think I'd run. Dr. Hinge: Given the choice I'd not play at all. Maud: Oh, why don't we play stick-a-tail on the donkey? Maureen: Maud, I'd not keep seeing that if I were you. You're asking for trouble. Major: I tell you what, Hilda, as we can't seem to agree on a game, why don't we all do our party pieces? Dame Hilda: Oh, that's a splendid idea, Major. Have you got a party piece? Major: No. Maud: I have. Dr. Hinge: You would. P&D: So have we! Maureen: Heaven forfend! Dame Hilda: I've got a much better idea. Why don't we have a song? Now, who would like to sing? Dr. Hinge: Well, obviously you would. Dame Hilda: Whatever makes you think that. But if you insist, of course. Then who would like to play the piano for me? Evadne? didn't you hear what I said? I said, who'd like to play the piano for me? Dr. Hinge: Yes, I heard you. I didn't see a hand go up. Maureen: Come along, Evadne. Do enter into the spirit of things, give us a tune, girl. Major: Yes, come along, Doctor. Our whistles are wet and getting wetter, give us a song. Dame Hilda: What's the song on the top of the pile there, dear? Dr. Hinge: All over the place. Major: Ah, that sounds a good one. Another glass or two of punch and that's what we’ll all be. Dame Hilda: Right, Evadne, play.
All over the place. Wherever the sea may happen to be The sailor is found. A knocking around And all over the place. All over the place The north or the south. The east or the west There's half of the world tattooed on his chest And all over the place All around the universe in any port of call Getting his fun the son of a gun Never staying very long in any place at all He's here, he’s there, he's every blooming where He's all over the place. The ladies adore to get him ashore He's theirs for a day and then he's away, and all over the place
Dame Hilda: Come along, everybody. Come on, raise your glasses. I need to give you a toast. To the future health, happiness and prosperity of us all. And that includes you Evadne.
All over the place. Wherever the sea may happen to be The sailor is found. A knocking around And all over the place. All over the place The north or the south. The east or the west There's half of the world tattooed on his chest And all over the place All around the universe in any port of call Getting his fun the son of a gun Never staying very long in any place at all He's here, he’s there, he's every blooming where He's all over the place. The ladies adore to get him ashore He's theirs for a day and then he's away, and all over the place
Dame Hilda: Happy Christmas, everybody!
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
