Dane Hilda: Evadne is a great one for keeping things in pots. Pots vanish into her bedroom like pound notes into a showgirl's garter. Her bedroom is full of pots. For a start there are several pots of loose change. Much of it old money. And of course her old money is a good deal older than anybody else’s. There's a groat or two and a few doubloons, even I think a couple of pieces of eight, given to her by Blackbeard the pirate, what for I shudder to think. There's a pot of nuts and bolts, a pot of goose grease I think she uses that instead of a moisturiser. And a whole lot of pots with things growing in them. Unusual things like sea buckthorn, scurvy grass, toad flax for her toads. To get to the point. One morning towards the end of last winter I was sitting in the drawing room when Evadne staggered in carrying a very large china plant pot containing what looked like a very large twig. {Drawing room,} Dame Hilda: Evadne, what have you got there? Dr. Hinge: I should have thought that was obvious. Dame Hilda: Well, no dear it isn't. Dr. Hinge: It's my oak tree, the one I grew. Dame Hilda: What are you going to do with it? Dr. Hinge: Well, I'm trying to find somewhere to put it. Dame Hilda: Are you open to suggestions? Dr. Hinge: Only sensible ones. Dame Hilda: Well, don't put it on the table that pot will scratch it. Dr. Hinge: I’m only putting it down for a minute! Dame Hilda: Well don't, not on the table. Dr. Hinge: Very well. Dame Hilda: And not on the sideboard either. Dr. Hinge: Then where do you suggest? Dame Hilda: Well if you must put it down put it on the floor. No, no not yet! Dr. Hinge: Hilda, this thing is heavy! Dame Hilda: You should have thought of that before you started carrying it about. Here I'll put a sheet of paper down you can pop it onto that. Dr. Hinge: I've never known such a fuss in my life. Dame Hilda: And I've never known anyone walk into someone's drawing room carrying an oak tree. I Say, what on earths happened to it, looks awfully dead, doesn't it? Dr. Hinge: That's what trees look like in winter, all the leaves fall off, remember? Dame Hilda: Evadne, I am not a fool. Dr. Hinge: You're not much of a naturalist either. It was only a couple of years ago that you discovered brussels sprouts don't grow on trees. Dame Hilda: All I'm saying is that that tree of yours looks particularly dead. Are you sure it hasn't been struck by lightning? Dr. Hinge: Hilda, until today it's never been out of my bedroom. Dame Hilda: That's why I ask, Maud, swears that that zinc hip bath of yours attracts lightning? Dr. Hinge: Maud, thinks everything attracts lightning. Which is why the outside tap’s got a rubber glove over it. And the foot scrapers covered in insulating tape. I am very proud of my oak tree. To think only five years ago that was just an acorn. Dame Hilda: Yes it has shot up, hasn’t it? Dr. Hinge: It's over three feet high. Dame Hilda: Which would be very impressive if it was a cyclamen. But for an oak tree it's still got a long way to go hasn't it? I mean it'll be a while yet before you have to start worrying about birds nesting in it. Dr. Hinge: Just you wait until I get it planted out in the garden? Then you'll see it start to shift! Dame Hilda: In the garden. Now you're surely not thinking of planting that thing in the garden? Dr. Hinge: What did you think I was going to do with it? It's getting far too big to keep in a pot. Dame Hilda: I'm not having that in the garden. Dr. Hinge: Well you can have it in here if you'd rather. It'll mean digging quite a big hole in the floor. And of course in due time it's going to ruin the ceiling. Dame Hilda: What do you think it'll do out in the garden? Dr. Hinge: Hilda, out in the garden the ceiling is a good deal higher! Dame Hilda: No, Evadne, those things grow enormous. Dr. Hinge: Well, make your mind up. A minute ago you were mocking it because it hadn't grown enough. Dame Hilda: That was when I thought it was staying in your bedroom. No. I’ve read about one of those things. It was over a hundred feet high and more than forty feet across. And if you wanted to walk round it you were advised to take a packed lunch. I do not want one of those in the garden. Dr. Hinge: Hilda the one you read about, no doubt in one of your tatty novelettes. Would have been very very old. It was probably the Robin Hoods oak in Sherwood forest or something like that. But Robin Hoods oak is more than five hundred years old. Dame Hilda: And did you grow that one from an acorn? Dr. Hinge: They all grow from acorns but only very, very slowly. So were I to plant this one in the garden you would have nothing whatever to worry about at least not in the foreseeable future. Dame Hilda: No, I don't trust you with things like that. Look what happened with the rhubarb! I told you not to put it right outside the garden door, but no, you knew best. You said it would be hardly noticeable out there and what happened? it grew so tall you could sit under it in a deck chair. Dr. Hinge: I can't help it if I got green fingers. Dame Hilda: Well I don't want your green fingers poking about in my garden while you've got an oak tree in your hand. Or is that a mixed metaphor? Dr. Hinge: No, just your usual muddle. Still I really don't see why I shouldn't put this in the garden. If I put it right down at the end. Dame Hilda: Then I'll tell you why, Evadne. Because no matter where you put it nor how slowly it may grow, its roots will gradually creep and spread beneath the ground undermining everything that stands upon it, they will reduce the buildings to rubble, render the soil infertile, the land will be barren and the sun will never be seen! Dr. Hinge: Is that what it said in your novelette? Dame Hilda: Something like that, yes. But according to the dust jacket it was impeccably researched. Dr. Hinge: Well if you're going to make a fuss about having that tree in the garden where am I going to put it? I have tended and nurtured that for over five years and I am not going to see all my efforts wasted. Besides trees are precious, especially English oaks. Dame Hilda: I agree with you about that, Evadne, I really do. That's why it is so important that you put it somewhere safe and sensible. A thing like that needs to be put out in the countryside not cooped up in a garden. Its like trying to keep a tiger in a cat basket. I'll tell you what, why don't you pop down the back lane and plant it on the verge? Dr. Hinge: Because if I do that the verge trimmer all come along and cut it down. Dame Hilda: All right then plant it in the hedge row. Dr. Hinge: Then the hedge trimmer will come along and cut it down. Dame Hilda: Then shin over the hedge and plonk it in the field. Dr. Hinge: Then the farmer will cut it down or if he sees it soon enough he'll pull it up! Dame Hilda: Its a tough world for oak trees. Dr. Hinge: Mind, I suppose I could always present it to someone. Dame Hilda: Well, I'm not having it. Dr. Hinge: No, no, no! To the town, to Stackton. They're always having ceremonial tree plantings. Dame Hilda: That's true. They've got through three silver spades since we've been here. That's how the Lady Mayoress did her back in, on the monkey puzzle tree in the park. Dr. Hinge: What? Planting it? Dame Hilda: Well from what I hear, it was afterwards she was climbing it. Dr. Hinge: That woman is a dreadful exhibitionist. Dame Hilda: No, she was only trying to get her hat back. Well it was a very windy day. And you know what it's like? No one will lift a finger, especially to her. Dr. Hinge: Yes, you know I think that is the answer. I shall give my tree to Stackton. That way it will be looked after forever. Oh and of course I expect they'll put a plaque on it to tell people it was my gift. You know, I could even ask them to name it. They could call it Doctor's Oak. Dame Hilda: Why not Hilda's Oak? Dr. Hinge: Because it's mine I grew it. Dame Hilda: You grew it in one of my pots. I've been wanting to use that pot for five years. Dr. Hinge: Well you'll soon be able to won't you? I mean I shan't be planting it out in it. Anyway I grew it entirely in my bedroom. Dame Hilda: In my house. Dr. Hinge: In our house. Dame Hilda: All right in our house. But you were going to plant it in my garden weren’t you? Dr. Hinge: In our garden! Dame Hilda: Well if it's our house and our garden, why isn't that our tree? Dr. Hinge: Very well. If you must muscle in on it. We'll call it the Hinge and Bracket oak, how about that? Dame Hilda: Yes that sounds a lot better. Far less medicinal. { Doorbell rings.} Dr. Hinge: Who on earth can that be? You're not expecting anyone are you? Dame Hilda: Oh good heavens, yes I am. That'll be ‘Ereeca’ Stapleton from the information centre. She phoned a day or two ago to see whether we had any second world war songs she could borrow. Dr. Hinge: And what does ‘Erica’ want second world war songs for? I mean haven't they heard that hostilities have ceased? Dame Hilda: She's arranging one of her little tourist exhibitions, dear. Stackton under fire. So I said I’d dig out a few songs and she said she'd pop in and collect them. Dr. Hinge: Why isn't Maud answering the door? Dame Hilda: Well I don't know, she must have popped out. Dr. Hinge: Then why didn't she tell us she was popping? Dame Hilda: Presumably because you told her yesterday not to keep coming in here telling us every blessed thing she was doing. Now I am going to let ‘Ereeca’ in. Oh and do wipe that soil mark off your face, dear. If she sees you like that she'll probably want you in her exhibition as a commando. All right ‘Ereeca’ dear, I'm coming. Hello ‘Ereeca’. Erica: Morning Hilda. Not too early am I? Dame Hilda: Well to tell you the truth dear, I'd forgotten what time you said you were coming. But this is perfect for us. Well come along in then. Erica: Thank you. And actually we did actually say 11. Dame Hilda: I'm sure we did, dear. Yes, it's what I usually say. Now let me take your coat. I've got everything ready for you. And I'm sorry I was so long answering the door. Erica: Well, that's all right Hilda. Hope I didn't sound impatient. I wouldn't have knocked only I thought perhaps the bell wasn't working. Dame Hilda: Oh, the bell's fine dear, it's Maud that isn't working. Erica: Oh, I saw Maud in High Street just now. She was standing outside the co-op, holding the bucket for the window cleaner. Dame Hilda: Well, whatever they say about her. She's good natured. Now, if you’d like to come through into the drawing room? All the old stuff's in there. Including Evadne. Evadne, Evadne! It's ‘Ereeca’ dear, she's come for the music. Erica: Morning Doctor. Dr. Hinge: Good morning. Erica: I say, it’s so good of you both to help us out. Dr. Hinge: To be perfectly honest, ‘Erica’ I can't claim to have been much help. Dame Hilda: And to be even more honest ‘Ereeca’ she never can. Erica: Oh come on Hilda. I mean the Doctor was absolutely wonderful when we did our little exhibition of poisonous roots and berries? Dame Hilda: Yes, I’ll admit that in that field she's unrivalled. Well, she uses so many of them in her cooking. Dr. Hinge: Living with you it's a wonder I don't use more. Erica: You know, one of the things I've always admired about you two is the way you can say the most wicked things to each other without either of you ever taking offence. Dr. Hinge: Who says I don't take offence? Dame Hilda: It's true ‘Ereeca’ she does. Sometimes she doesn't speak to me for days. It's bliss. Dr. Hinge: Hilda, are you going to give ‘Erica’ the music she came for or not? Dame Hilda: See, she's gone humpy now. Dr. Hinge: Doesn't she go on? Dame Hilda: Here we are ‘Ereeca’ your music's all together here on the top of the piano, dear. Erica: Oh I say. You have found a lot. Dame Hilda: Yes I came across some quite nice ones really. Let's see. Now there's ‘The boys of the A.R.P’ ‘The blackout song’ ‘The little doodlebugs’ Oh and this is a nice one. ‘Good night got your torch light’ Good night, got your torch light? Yes, got your gas mask? Yes, all right, all right, good night got your tin hat? Yes, got your food card? Yes. And it goes on like that. Dr. Hinge: The things we had to put up with. Hitler and all those dreadful songs. Erica: I think they're absolutely wonderful. Oh and the covers are so evocative. Oh they do take me back. Do you know I’d just started school when the first evacuees came to Stackton. I think it was the evacuees that gave me Scarlet fever. Dr. Hinge: You're lucky that's all they gave you. Erica: Oh, I say, just look at that. ‘There's a boy coming home on leave’ Dame Hilda: Come on, Evadne, Pop your tin hat on and belt this one out. And give it your best air raid shelter style. Dr. Hinge: As a matter of fact the only time I ever played in an air raid shelter I gave them a song called in an 18th century drawing room, based on a theme of Mozart. Dame Hilda: I bet they were glad when the all clear went. Dr. Hinge: Even during the war Hilda, there was more to life than roll out the barrel. And now if you're ready? Dame Hilda: I'll just get my reading glasses.
In a big department store There's a girl who’s heart sings song She's had word to say He's on his way And now it won't be long There's a boy coming home on leave There's a girl wants him home on leave She'll meet him right at the station And will she tell all the nation There's a boy coming home on leave And his heart won't be on his sleeve They'll have a grand celebration when he comes home on leave. And as they meet he’ll tell her how he’s missed her That's after he's kissed her And then they'll talk about that wedding morning They'll plan a honeymoon The Army won’t wait till June There's a boy coming home on leave He'll enjoy coming home on leave They'll make it ten days of heaven When he comes home on leave And as they meet he’ll tell her how he’s missed her That's after he's kissed her And then they'll talk about that wedding morning They'll plan a honeymoon The Army can’t wait till June There's a boy coming home on leave He'll enjoy coming home on leave They'll make it ten days of heaven When he comes home on leave. Erica: Oh that was absolutely wonderful! Dame Hilda: Wasn’t it! Erica: I do so admire you two. I say, thank you ever so much for the loan of the music. And if ever there's anything I can do for you Dame Hilda: As a matter of fact, ‘Ereeca’ now you'll probably be able to advise us. You see that little thing in the pot there? Erica: Yes? Dame Hilda: Well it's a tree, ‘Ereeca’. Erica: Yes? Dame Hilda: Yes, Evadne and I were thinking of presenting it to Stackton, not the pot mind, dear, just the tree. Dr. Hinge: There's no need to worry, ‘Erica’ about that, Hilda. I shall ask Arthur Dimmock in the Parks Department. He owes me a favour. Dame Hilda: Why? What have you been doing for him that I don't know about? Dr. Hinge: Council business, nothing you would understand. Erica: Dear old Arthur, you know he gets more like a garden gnome every day. I was talking to him only yesterday. He was trying to persuade us to let him plant a screen of Canadian spruce all around the information centre. I told him hardly anyone can find it as it is. Dame Hilda: Yes, it's one of the great challenges that Stackton offers to tourists, isn't it? And another is finding somewhere to eat. Dr. Hinge: Another is finding something worth coming to see. Erica: I must admit, attracting tourists is a bit of an uphill job. There are some rather interesting plans floating about for the old slate quarry. Dame Hilda: Oh, I do hope they're not going to turn it into a working museum. The dust would be quite dreadful. Dr. Hinge: If they want a working museum, we've got the town hall. Erica: Arthur is still pressing on for an arboretum. Dame Hilda: That's something like a jacuzzi, isn't it? Erica: Oh, Hilda, you do come with some wonderful things. Dr. Hinge: And the best part of it is, she probably doesn't know what a jacuzzi is either. Dame Hilda: What is it exactly? They had one in the book I've just finished reading. The things that went on in it. And I know there was an awful lot of splashing about. Dr. Hinge: The trouble with you, Hilda, is that even your tatty books are over your head. Mind, ‘Erica’, if Arthur is still hoping to get his arboretum, he'll probably be glad of our tree. Erica: Oh, no, no, I mean, quite frankly, I don't think he's got much chance of getting it, do you? I mean, he's been trying for over 30 years now. At one time, there was actually a site designated. And he actually made a start on it. But the first trees he planted there have long since been chopped down. Dr. Hinge: You see, Hilda. Even in an arboretum, the trees aren't safe around here. Dame Hilda: All right, dear, I give up. What is an arboretum? Dr. Hinge: It's a place where they grow trees. Dame Hilda: Oh, you mean like your bedroom? Because, you see, ‘Ereeca’, that's where she grew her oak tree, in her bedroom. She's got things in her bedroom I wouldn't have in my garden. And to tell you the truth, that oak tree is one of them. Erica: Oh, it's an oak, is it? Well, that's interesting because we've recently been thinking of replacing Squire's oak. Dr. Hinge: Squire's oak? I've never heard of it. Erica: Oh no. It went long before you and Hilda came to Stackton. I mean, I can only just remember it. And it was enormous. Must have been hundreds of years old. It used to stand in the River Meadow, which was once part of the old manor. And it sort of disappeared during the war. Dame Hilda: Like all the iron railings on the silk stockings did. You know, we used to have to paint our legs with gravy browning and draw seam up the back with our eyebrow pencils. Dr. Hinge: I never did. Dame Hilda: Well, no, you could always knit the sort of stockings you wore. I'm sorry, ‘Ereeca’ I interrupted you, dear. You say nobody knows what actually happened to the tree. Erica: Well, no one's really quite sure. All we do know is that a few years later, the Squire had the Great Hall repaneled. Anyway, the loss of that tree put paid to oak apple day in Stackton. Dr. Hinge: Then why not revive it? There surely lies the answer to all our problems, oak apple day. Erica: Oh, Evadne, What a splendid idea. The tourists will love it. Oh, my mind's churning already. Dr. Hinge: Well, Hilda? Dame Hilda: What? Dr. Hinge: Oak apple day? Dame Hilda: Yes, Dr. Hinge: Heard of it have you? Dame Hilda: Yes, Dr. Hinge: All right then. When is it? Dame Hilda: May the 29th, which is the birthday of King Charles II and also the day on which he entered London at the Restoration. Additionally, it commemorates his concealment with Major Carless in the Royal oak at Boscobel near Shifnal in Shropshire after his defeat at the battle of Worcester. Erica: Hilda. If you ever want a job at the information centre… Dr. Hinge: How on earth do you know all that? Dame Hilda: I learned it at school. Dr. Hinge: You do surprise me. Dame Hilda: Well, I was at a school that was founded by one of King Charles II closest friends. And we always celebrated oak apple day. We were given a half-day holiday and spent most of the afternoon eating cream buns and trying to stuff oak apples into each other's bloomers. Oh, it will be lovely to celebrate oak apple day again. {Drawing room.}
Dr. Hinge: Hilda the most dreadful thing. You'll never guess? Dame Hilda: What is it, dear? Dr. Hinge: Hilda, something's happened to my tree. Dame Hilda: What do you mean happened to it? Dr. Hinge: All the leaves are turning yellow and some have fallen off. Dame Hilda: Ooh, that doesn't sound quite right, not in May. Mind, I did tell you back in the winter there was something funny about it. I mean, even as a pea stick in a pot it looked decidedly grey to me. Dr. Hinge: You do talk nonsense. I can't think what can have happened to it. It can't have done it any harm, standing it outside. I've sprayed it with pesticide, fungicide, watered it, I've fed it. Dame Hilda: It's hardly likely to be lack of food or water, dear. Maud’s being giving it those as well. Dr. Hinge: Maud has? Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, she's been most solicitous. Dr. Hinge: And what exactly has she been giving it? Dame Hilda: Oh, well, you know, Maud. Just simple everyday things. Old tea leaves, washing up water, the remains of the sherry trifle. Why, anything that she thought might do it a bit of good? Dr. Hinge: That explains it. Dame Hilda: Oh, good. Dr. Hinge: It's my own fault. I should have left it in my bedroom under lock and key. Well, that's that. I mean, we certainly can't present it to Stackton in the state it’s in now. We'll just have to cancel the whole affair. Dame Hilda: Oh, we can't do that, dear, the entire town's involved, they’d lynch us. Dr. Hinge: Then what do you suggest? Dame Hilda: I suggest we find another oak tree and quick. Dr. Hinge: And where would we find another oak tree that size? There are very few oaks in this area. Dame Hilda: Well, where did you get that one? Dr. Hinge: Well, I picked the acorn up in Sherwood forest. Dame Hilda: Sherwood forest, that's the answer. I'll get the car out. And we'll drive across there. We'll find out who's in charge, presumably somebody in Lincoln green. Dr. Hinge: Complete with bows and arrows, no doubt. Dame Hilda: Well, if the tourist seasons started, yes. Anyway, we'll explain our predicament and we'll throw ourselves on their mercy. Dr. Hinge: And suppose they still won’t let us have a tree? Dame Hilda: Then, Evadne, as you started this whole blessed business, you'll just have to go back after dark and dig one up. And I think we'd better take the spade with us just in case.
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
