{Drawing room.}

Dame Hilda: You know, Evadne, there's something missing in that garden.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, it's the air raid shelter. But if you wanted to keep it, you should have said so at the time and not just sat there in your deck chair watching me demolish it.

Dame Hilda: No, dear, it's not that.

Dr. Hinge: Well, the only other things that are missing are the summer house, which burned down, and the rose arch, fell down.

Dame Hilda: What that garden lacks now is a feature. We need a gazebo or a Ha Ha.

Dr. Hinge: What do we need a Ha Ha for?

Dame Hilda: Oh, I don't know, it just sounds fun.

Dr. Hinge: Do you have any idea what a Ha Ha is?

Dame Hilda: Well, not exactly, dear, no, but it's obviously something one has fun in in a garden.

Dr. Hinge: It's a ditch.

Dame Hilda: A ditch?

Dr. Hinge: A ditch with a wall built up one of its sides. It's used to form a boundary.

Dame Hilda: Well, fancy calling a thing like that a Ha Ha. There's nothing remotely amusing about ditches.

 Dr. Hinge: The expression was originally not one of amusement Hilda, but one of surprise. Ha Ha!

Dame Hilda: Don't do that, Evadne, you'll give yourself a migraine. Oh, now, what about a folly? We could have a folly, or an ivy covered ruin, just to remind you of your mother.

Dr. Hinge: Mmm. It's a pity I didn't leave the air raid shelter.

Dame Hilda: What about a maze?

Dr. Hinge: Now, that's a good idea, you could go out and get lost in it!

Dame Hilda: That garden is so plebeian. It reflects your taste, not mine. I mean, just look at that bird bath, it looks exactly like an old washing up bowl on a plinth.

Dr. Hinge: It is an old washing up bowl! And it's quite good enough for a bird to bath in.

Dame Hilda: We need something romantic, Evadne. Something flamboyant. Now, suppose we had a pagoda.

Dr. Hinge: What?

Dame Hilda: Well, Rhoda had a pagoda.

Dr. Hinge: Which Rhoda?

Dame Hilda: In the song, dear. Many a maiden met a man in the pretty pagoda Rhoda ran.

Dr. Hinge: That wasn't in her garden. It was in the strand.

Dame Hilda: What's that got to do with it?

Dr. Hinge: It was a tea shop. ♬Buns and biscuits and bread of bran in the pretty pagoda Rhoda ran.♬

Dame Hilda: Well, they've got a pagoda at Kew gardens, and that's not a tea shop. We could have one like that.

Dr. Hinge: You don't think it'd be a bit large. I mean, it’s 10 stories is high, you know.

Dame Hilda: Well, at least it would hide the bird bath, and that blessed mint of yours. I say, have you got that Rhoda song there by the way?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I think so, somewhere. It's from San Toy, isn't it?

Dame Hilda: That's right, yes, Marie Tempest played the lead. Dear old Nunton Oddstock, he used to stand in the wings night after night watching me, remember?

Dr. Hinge: He was standing in the wings, Hilda, because he was waiting to make his entrance. He never knew how long you were going to be. Oh, yes, here it is. I've got it.

Dame Hilda: Goody. All right then, Evadne, pop into your pagoda and play.

Dame Hilda:  Oh, wasn't that nice? You know that song used to bring tears to Nuntons eyes in the old days.

Dr. Hinge: Used to bring tears to mine as well. All that clowning about you used to shove in while you were singing it.

Dame Hilda: I was acting it out, dear. As you, so rightly said, Rhoda is supposed to be running a tea shop.

Dr. Hinge: I've never been in a tea shop where the proprietress did cartwheels.

Dame Hilda: Well, I have. It was Joe Lyons in Oxford Street, one New Year's Eve. We were all doing them, and then we went down to Trafalgar Square and paddled in the fountains. You know, that's what we need in the garden, Evadne, fountains, or a cascade.

Dr. Hinge: What about pond?

Dame Hilda: Not quite as romantic as I was thinking, but I suppose so.

Dr. Hinge: They do sell some nice, sink it yourself plastic ponds down at the garden centre.

Dame Hilda: Now you're getting tacky again.

Dr. Hinge: No, seriously, you can get some quite big, nicely shaped, ready-made ponds these days. And we could have a few water lilies.

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes! Water lilies! And bull rushes, and a weeping willow, and a mossy bank to lie on and darting golden fish swimming just below the surface and dragon flies, and perhaps a heron or two.

Dr. Hinge: Not if you want to keep your darting golden fish, dear.

Dame Hilda: No, perhaps you're right. We'll have a boat instead, and I can lie on it, and then I can drift like the Lady of Shalott.

Dr. Hinge: The Lady of Shalott was dead, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: She can't have been all the time.

Dr. Hinge: She was when she was drifting.

Dame Hilda: Then I'll be Minnehaha, a say. Isn't that a funny name to give a woman? Small ditch. Ha, ha, ha!

Dr. Hinge: I wonder if we have a source of water out in the garden anywhere?

Dame Hilda: There's a tap outside the kitchen.

Dr. Hinge: No, I mean a natural source, Hilda, an underground stream, perhaps, or a spring. Have you ever tried dowsing, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: No, but I've done my fair share of damping down.

Dr. Hinge: Dowsing, dear. Water divining.

Dame Hilda: No, I have not. I've always enjoyed the luxury of living on the mains.

Dr. Hinge: I've got Mousey Butler's twig in the hall.

Dame Hilda: You didn't snap it off, I hope?

Dr. Hinge: His dowsing rod Hilda. His hazel twig. He's a water diviner. You know, he was trying to teach me, but I appear to have no natural aptitude what so ever, perhaps you have?

Dame Hilda: Me? oh no, dear. That's not my sort of thing at all. Marching across a muddy field with a twig in my hand. It's only one step away from following the plough.

Dr. Hinge: No, you're probably right. Apparently a great deal depends on how sensitive you are.

Dame Hilda: Sensitive?

Dr. Hinge: Yes. According to Mousey, the diviner is sensitive to influences that the average person wouldn't feel.

Dame Hilda: Well, I am certainly not average. I'm very sensitive.

Dr. Hinge: They have a gift, you see.

Dame Hilda: And I'm definitely gifted.

Dr. Hinge: A gift inherited from the mysterious past….

Dame Hilda: Evadne, fetch your twig? I'll soon find you some water.

Dr. Hinge: Very well.

Dame Hilda: We'll take it into the garden, shall we, dear?

Dr. Hinge: No, not yet. There's a little experiment we can carry out indoors first.

Dame Hilda: Oh, of course, you would know all about it, wouldn't you, Evadne? Even though you can't do it.

Dr. Hinge: Here we are.

Dame Hilda: Is that all it is?

Dr. Hinge: That's all. Just a simple piece of forked twig, a rustic letter Y. But in the right hands, Hilda, Hilda where are you going?

Dame Hilda: To get a pair of gloves, dear.

Dr. Hinge: You do not need gloves.

Dame Hilda: Well, at least let me take my rings off.

Dr. Hinge: No, that would take far too long. Now, hold your hands out, palms upwards, that's it. Then you see I place one arm of the Y on each palm. Now, grasp the twig tightly. Thumbs over the top, that's right, and now, force the arms of that twig apart.

Dame Hilda: There!

Dr. Hinge: Wider than that?

Dame Hilda: Very well then, there!

Dr. Hinge: No, no, wider, much wider.

Dame Hilda: Are you sure you wouldn't prefer to see me tear a telephone directory in half?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, don't make such a fuss, Hilda, it's a hazel twig, not an iron bar. Now, come along, force those arms right apart. All right, that’ll do, that’ll do, no need to break it.

Dame Hilda: I thought you said one needed to be sensitive, Evadne. This is about as sensitive as chariot racing.

Dr. Hinge: Just hold your horses, Hilda. The sensitive part's coming up. Now, maintain that tension. But don't hold the twig so tightly that it can't move, that point must be sort of free to waggle up and down.

Dame Hilda: Can we get on with it, Evadne? My little finger's going to sleep.

Dr. Hinge: Right. Turn your back and close your eyes.

Dame Hilda: Why? What are you going to do?

Dr. Hinge: Go on, go on, turn your back, close your eyes. That's it. Now, I'm going to take the flowers out of this vase and hide the vase of water under something. Then we'll see if you can find it.

Dame Hilda: With my eyes closed.

Dr. Hinge: With your twig, dear. Right, now, you can turn round and open your eyes again. Now, where is the vase of water?

Dame Hilda: I don't know.

Dr. Hinge: The twig will tell you.

Dame Hilda: The twigs not telling me a thing, dear. Shouldn't this thing be pointing me in the right direction or something?

Dr. Hinge: It's not an automatic pilot, Hilda. You have to work as well. Now, start walking. No, no, slowly, slowly. That's it, up and down the room. Pretend you're looking for one of the pearls from your butterfly headdress.

Dame Hilda: Very well. Am I getting warm?

Dr. Hinge: I'm not telling you.

Dame Hilda: Am I getting colder then?

Dr. Hinge: No, I'm not telling you that either. From now on, it's between you and that twig. Just keep on walking.

Dame Hilda: You make me sound like Felix the cat. Ooh! Ooh! oh Evadne? Evadne, my pointer's waggling.

Dr. Hinge: I say. You are a sensitive little soul, aren't you? Now we just push the settee back. And what do we find? One vase of water.

Dame Hilda: There Evadne, Now, what did I tell you? I am sensitive to influences that pass the average person by. Oh, that sounds like Maud. I bet she'd like to see me find that vase of water.

Dr. Hinge: I'm picking that vase of water up before she finds it with her foot.

Maud: Good morning, Dame 'ilda: Doctor,

Dame Hilda: Hello, Maud.

Dr. Hinge: Good morning, Maud.

Dame Hilda: Did you have a nice holiday, dear?

Maud: Well, I did, and I didn't, Dame 'ilda. To tell the truth, I'd 'ave been 'ome before now 'ad it not been for my Arthur.

Dame Hilda: Oh, he was enjoying himself, was he?

Maud: No, 'e weren't. But it took us a while to raise the money for 'is fine, and they'd not let 'im out until we 'ad.

Dr. Hinge: His fine, Maud. What had he been up to?

Maud: 'e was sticking up for me, Doctor.

Dr. Hinge: Then he deserves everything he got.

Dame Hilda: What exactly happened, dear?

Maud: Oh, it was such a shame, Dame 'ilda. It was the only dry day we 'ad all the while we was there. So I takes the beach ball and we goes to the beach, and I 'ands the ball to Arthur, 'ere, throw it, says I, throw it where, says ‘'e.

Dame Hilda: Yes, he's never been quick on the uptake, has he?

Maud: Throw it to me, says I, and I'll throw it back to you. That won't be much fun, says 'e, I comes 'ere for an 'oliday. We can throw things at each other at 'ome. So I grabs the beach ball out of 'is 'and, and I chucks it at 'is 'ead.

Dr. Hinge: How skittish.

Maud: And 'e chucks it straight back at mine, but I ducked, Dame 'ilda, and you'll never guess where that ball went.

Dame Hilda: I wouldn't dream of trying to, dear.

Maud: It sailed right in through the opening of the Punch and Judy man's tent. Just as 'is dog was about to eat 'is sausage.

Dame Hilda: How very inconvenient for him.

Maud: Well, you should 'ave 'eard 'im shout.

Dr. Hinge: What did he shout, Maud? Goal!

Maud: No, he did not, Doctor. I'll not repeat what 'e shouted. I'm too much of a lady. Nor I'd not show you the gesture that punch made neither.

Dame Hilda: I say, Sheerness does sound lively at this time of the year.

Maud:  So I marches right up to that man's tent. Scuse me, says I, shouting down 'is 'ole. Can I 'ave my ball back? And Punch 'its me on the 'ead with 'is stick.

Dr. Hinge: How very unfair that Punch be permitted a pleasure that's denied to the rest of us.

Maud: So I 'it 'im on the 'ead with me 'andbag, and there's a 'orrible squawk, and 'e vanishes. I think I 'ad 'is nose off.

Dame Hilda: I'm not surprised your handbag could fell an ox.

Maud: Well, I was fuming. So I reaches in 'is booth, and that's when the alligator grabs me 'and. And all them little brats as were sitting watching us, was 'owling fit to bust.

Dame Hilda: Oh, but they love a bit of audience participation, don't they?

Dr. Hinge: They probably thought she was his stooge.

Maud: Well, they'd not, 'ave thought that for long, Doctor. Because I grabbed the 'and that was up 'is alligator. And I gives it a good, 'ard tug, and the 'ole darn shooting match tips over. And that's when Arthur interferes.

Dame Hilda: He knows how to choose his moment, doesn't he?

Maud: 'e marches up and 'e looks at them puppets as is scattered all over the sand. And one by one 'e picks 'em up and chucks 'em in the sea. And when that puppet man goes for 'im, he chucks 'im in an'all. And that's when 'e spots our beach ball rolling towards the water. Well, I can only describe the way as 'e went for that ball as a flying tackle. And it were just a shame that that policeman 'ad to interpose himself.

Dame Hilda: It's one of their more irritating habits, isn't it?

Maud: You should 'ave seen my Arthur's face. Well, 'e thought it were the beach ball he were grabbing. But it weren't, it were a bit of blue surge trouser leg instead. Anyway, that's why we 'ad to pay the fine.

Dr. Hinge: Well, it certainly seems to have been a holiday to remember.

Maud: It was just a shame as we didn't 'ave better weather.

Dame Hilda: Still look on the bright side, dear. It might be lovely and sunny next time you go.

Maud: We'll not be going back, Dame 'ilda. The Magistrate ordered us not to.

Dame Hilda: Well, it wasn't long before Maud was out in the kitchen and back at work again. It was just like old times to hear her out there banging about and dropping things. And it wasn't long before Evadne and I were out in the back garden dousing for water. With my flat, sun hat and my twig, I must have looked a bit like one of W.S. Gilbert's young ladies from Patience. All very willow, wailio.  Oh, but Evadne with her gum boots and her pick and shovel. She looked like some old panhandler prospecting for gold. Well, after some little time we found ourselves right down the bottom of the garden when suddenly my twig twitched and Evadne started digging.

{Garden.}

Dame Hilda: How far down do you have to go, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: I don't know. But according to Mousey, one may find water at any depth from just under the surface to several hundred feet down.

Dame Hilda: Well, what would be the point of having a pond several hundred feet down?

Dr. Hinge: Well, none at all, really, unless you wanted a very sunken garden.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I see Major Dyrenforth's coming from the house. Maud must have let him through. You know he could build our bridge for us, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: What bridge?

Dame Hilda: Well, if we find a stream we'll need a bridge, won't we? A little rustic bridge. Major Dyrenforth used to build them in the army.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes. The little rustic bridges over the Rhine.

Major: Good morning ladies.

Dame Hilda: Hello, Major.

Dr. Hinge: Good morning, Major.

Major: Can I be of any assistance?

Dame Hilda: Evadne's digging for water, dear?

Major: Not been cut off, have you?

Dr. Hinge: Natural water, Major. An underground stream or spring?

Major: Oh, I'm with you. Do you know we have a natural spring in the kitchen at home?

Dame Hilda: Oh, I say that's handy.

Major: Not really. It comes up in the larder. We’ve tried everything to seal it off, but it always bursts through again. One thing, we don't get mice in there.

Dame Hilda: What do you get, dear? Water voles?

Dr. Hinge: You should grow watercress, Major.

Major: At one time we thought of bottling it.

Dame Hilda: Wouldn't it be difficult getting watercress into a bottle?

Dr. Hinge: You know, I'm not surprised your twig keep pointing upwards, Hilda? You sound as though you've got water on the brain.

Dame Hilda: Get on with your digging, Evadne. I want to go out and order the goldfish.

Major: Do you know, Hilda, that I often come home of an evening to find Lorna lying on the larder floor having a little drink?

Dame Hilda: Oh, I am sorry, Major.  How long has she been like that?

Major: From the spring, Hilda, a little drink from the spring. The water tastes absolutely beautiful, full of iron.

Dame Hilda: Well, I expect ours will be full of iron, dear? It's somewhere round about here that Evadne buried her old bicycle. It was a penny farthing, you know.

 {Clang.}

Dr. Hinge: Ah! I've found something.

Dame Hilda: Well, that certainly doesn't sound like water, dear.

Major: Not unless it's buried in jerry cans.

Dame Hilda: You must be off course, Evadne. After all, if what you’ve found is what I found for you, it should have splashed not clanged.

Dr. Hinge: Not necessarily. You can find almost anything with a dowsing rod. This is large, metallic, and it's grey.

Dame Hilda: Oh, perhaps I’ve found a secret submarine pen.

Major: I say, did you happen to read a while back about that fellow in the Midlands who found an unexploded bomb in his garden?

Dame Hilda: No, dear.

Major: Oh, yes, extraordinarily fellow. He took the mattress off his bed, shoved the bomb inside it, tied it round with a length of clothes line, got it on his wheelbarrow, god alone knows how and pushed it all the way to the police station, best part of a mile. And you know they wouldn't have anything to do with it, just because it happened to be April the 1st. They thought it was a joke, do you see? So he pushed it all the way home again, put it back in its hole, and got his wife to phone them, and then they sent someone round.

Dame Hilda: Well, some of them are sticklers for the correct procedures, aren't they?

Major: Mind it was too late by then, and it had gone up, lost a double mattress and all his leeks.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, dear, I think you'd better come out of that hole, just in case. We'll put a dustbin lid over it and keep the cats off, and then we'll phone the bomb disposal people.

Dr. Hinge: There's a sign on some sort.

Dame Hilda: Is it a swastika?

Dr. Hinge: It looks like a star.

Dame Hilda: Must be Russian.

Dr. Hinge: The Russians were on our side during the war, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Yes, but they were never entirely to be trusted, were they?

Major: Nevertheless, Hilda, as far as I know, there's no record of them ever having bombed Stackton Tressel.

Dame Hilda: Do come out of there, Evadne, please.

Dr. Hinge: Do stop fussing, Hilda. I can just make out some letters on it. This isn't a bomb.

Dame Hilda: Well, if they say this isn't a bomb, it's probably a trick.

Dr. Hinge: No, it's a word of some sort. It begins with an S.

Dame Hilda: Saarbrücken. That must have been where it was made.

Dr. Hinge: No, no, no. S-h-a-n….

Dame Hilda: Shantung. Whose side was China on?

Dr. Hinge: S-h-a-n-k-s. Shanks.

Major: Shanks? I fancy they make baths.

Dame Hilda: Well, why should the Germans have dropped baths?

Dr. Hinge: Why, indeed. There couldn't have been too many people in Stackton Tressel at that time who'd know what to do with one anyway.

Dame Hilda: Exactly. If that's a bath, you'll probably find it's full of coal. dear. I expect they buried it to prevent pilfering.

Dr. Hinge: That's definitely what it is, Major. An old cast iron bath laid upside down. Look, there are the feet.

Major: I say, it looks rather a pretty one. If you like to step out of there, Evadne, I'll give you a hand to pull it out.

Dr. Hinge: Right, Major. Are you ready? One, two, three, heave!

Dame Hilda: It's not moving Evadne!

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, are you just going to stand there watching?

Dame Hilda: Well, if you prefer it, dear, I'll go indoors.

Major: Ah, here comes Maud. She'll give it a bit of extra muscle power.

Maud: 'ave you found your water yet, Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: Well, not yet, dear, no. But we must be getting warm. We’ve found a bath. Give them a hand to fetch it out, would you, dear, they're stuck.

Maud: Stuck? No wonder they're stuck, that leg's trapped under that rock. I’ll soon shift it with the pickaxe.

Dr. Hinge: Now, do be careful, Maud.

Major: Yes, we don't want you doing yourself an injury.

Dr. Hinge: I would stand aside, Major, if I were you, in case she does you one.

Maud: Right. 'ere goes. {Grunts!}

All: Oh, my goodness.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, I did divine water. Just look at the height of that jet. Oh, I mean, whatever the source of that is, it must be enough to provide us with a lake.

Dr. Hinge: I don't doubt it, Hilda. But I don't think it'll be allowed. What Maud has found is the pipe that used to run to the old summer house, and the water board will want, hopefully, to repair it.

Dame Hilda: Maud, Maud, dear, while we decide what to do next. Pop in and get three umbrellas, would you?

Maud: Of course, Dame ‘ilda.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, and Maud,

Maud: Yes, Doctor.