 The Blenkinsop Bequest. Dame Hilda: It’s now a good many years since Evadne and I moved into the Old Manse in Stackton Tressel and settled down to our quiet village life! Well when I say quiet it isn’t always quiet, not by any manner of means! For one thing you see the boundary line between the two parishes of Stackton Tressel and Stackton Parva runs right through the middle of our sitting room! And this is a little inconvenient on ascension days when the parish officers and the clergy come beating the bounds with their little willow wands! On the other hand it does have it’s little compensations! After all Twenty or thirty men with willow wands can beat an awful lot of dust out of an old settee! Apart from this there are many things to occupy and divert us. Which is why I’ve recently taken to jotting in a little exercise book a record of our day to day life here. Now not many weeks ago for example I had received a letter which was to result in us embarking on an entirely new venture! A venture towards which I knew Evadne would have to be most carefully coaxed! Dame Hilda: I say Evadne you remember the old music emporium in the high street don’t you? Dr. Hinge: Yes! { Disinterestedly!} Dame Hilda: We used to enjoy popping in there at one time didn’t we? Dr. Hinge: Yes! Dame Hilda: Such a pity when it closed! Dr. Hinge: Yes! Dame Hilda: You’re not very talkative this morning are you dear? Dr. Hinge: Hilda! I know when you receive a solicitors letter, read it and put it straight into your handbag you’re up to something! Dame Hilda: Oh the letter dear! So you saw it did you? I was coming to that! Dr. Hinge: I was rather afraid you were! And I can tell by your tone of voice Hilda it’s bad news! Dame Hilda: Oh no no dear no! It isn’t at all! Its lovely news! You remember old Miss Blenkinsop? Well of course you do! Dr. Hinge: Yes! Dame Hilda: Oh don’t start that all over again dear! You know you really are quite insufferable when you’re in one of your monosyllabic moods! Dr. Hinge: Hilda! Ever since you took to writing secretively in that little book of yours you’ve been using longer and longer words! What are you writing dear? A dictionary? Dame Hilda: No I’m not as you know full well! And I do not do it secretively! Dr. Hinge: Very well then if you prefer it furtively! Dame Hilda: I see nothing furtive about sitting at a gate legged table jotting! Dr. Hinge: Nonsense Hilda! Every time I come into the room, you flush, you look guilty and you shove your little book under something! One of these days you’re going to forget where you’ve shoved it! Dame Hilda: That’s very sneaky Evadne! Dr. Hinge: I know it is! That’s just what I’m saying! Dame Hilda: Oh no dear! I don’t mean me I mean you! Dr. Hinge: I don’t jot dear! Secretively, furtively or in any other way! I do not jot! If I’m going to write, I write! Dame Hilda: Oh don’t think I don’t know what you’ve just done dear! You’ve changed the subject haven’t you! Yes! Well let’s get back to Miss Blenkinsop shall we? Dr. Hinge: Well it’s not going to be easy dear she’s been dead six months! Dame Hilda: And that is precisely the point dear! You see her will has just been proved and we that is you and I are the beneficiaries! Dr. Hinge: You mean she’s actually left us money Hilda? Dame Hilda: Well no dear, not money! Dr. Hinge: Oh wait a moment not that ridiculously self satisfied blue Persian cat of hers? The one that used to sit on her gate post and smirk?
Dame Hilda: Oh no, not Mr Lavender trousers! Dr. Hinge: Then what? Dame Hilda: She has left us her music emporium! Dr. Hinge: She’s left that to us? Dame Hilda: Yes isn’t it nice of her? You know she really was a nice little woman despite what we used to say about her! Dr. Hinge: She was overbearing and self opinionated! Dame Hilda: Well she had her little faults of course! Dr. Hinge: I was never particularly struck! Dame Hilda: I know that dear and I do appreciate why! It dates from that week she spent as guest music critic on the Stackton bugle doesn’t it? Yes I thought so! When she wrote of you Dr Evadne Hinge wields a baton as the rest of us might hold sticks of celery! Dr. Hinge: The woman was a fool! Dame Hilda: Well I’ll never know why you took it so to heart dear! She only meant that the baton looked as natural in your hand as a stick of celery might in anybody else’s! You see? Dr. Hinge: Well if it was it was expressed with singular ineptitude Hilda! Dame Hilda: Still she thought very highly of you! You know! Dr. Hinge: Did she now? Dame Hilda: Oh yes even though she didn’t let on! I mean in the will dear! Now just listen to this! Here we are! They are two people of culture and refinement and the only two to whom I would trust my treasures! And one of them is you and the other ones me of course! You see Evadne she really was a very nice woman deep down! Of course the emporiums been closed for absolutely ages now! Could be such an asset to Stackton you know! In the right hands! Dr. Hinge: You’re not seriously considering reopening the place! Dame Hilda: Well I am dear yes! It’s a condition of the bequest you see that it should be reopened and returned in its present form as part shop part museum, and that it should be run in perpetuityby us and our heirs or successors! Dr. Hinge: I knew there’d be a catch! That woman’s only saving grace was her crab apple jelly! We shall just have to say no! Dame Hilda: Oh that would be most ungracious Evadne! After all the last wishes of the departed must surely be respected! Dr. Hinge: And what about the wishes of the living? Especially those sitting opposite you at this very moment dear? Dame Hilda: Oh don’t be hard done by Evadne! You know I always respect your wishes! Dr. Hinge: Well that settles it we’re not having it! Dame Hilda: Now Evadne! Dr. Hinge: Hilda! Think of the cost! Dame Hilda: Oh Miss Blenkinsop thought of that! There’s a little endowment fund to cover the cost of running it dear! Dr. Hinge: Then think of the time involved! We’d have to be there every day, six days a week! Dame Hilda: Oh I’m sure Maud would always help out! Dr. Hinge: Maud? In a music emporium? I’d think twice before I’d employ that woman in a breakers yard! Dame Hilda: Well lets at least go and have a little look at it! Dr. Hinge: It would serve no purpose! Dame Hilda: It would do no harm! Just to go and have a little look at it! With completely open minds of course! Dr. Hinge: Oh I’m not so sure! Dame Hilda: Oh go on dear! Just to please me! Dr. Hinge: Oh very well then! Dame Hilda: Evadne! I can see by the look on your face that your mind is not open! You must try dear! Dr. Hinge: Hilda! It’s not my mind alone that is supposed to be open! Dame Hilda: Mine is completely open! Dr. Hinge: Is it? Dame Hilda: You’ll see! I shall enter that emporium unclouded by prejudice, open to argument, willing to weigh the evidence and eager to examine the facts! Dr. Hinge: And determined to take it! Dame Hilda: Well it’s better than being determined not to! At least I’m being constructive! Dr. Hinge: Now Hilda! { Door opens!} Dame Hilda: That must be Maud! We don’t want her to find us arguing! It upsets her! You know how she hates to think of you picking on me! Maud: Good morning Dame ‘ilda, Doctor! Dame Hilda: Hello Maud! Dr. Hinge: Good morning Maud! Maud: I’ve picked up your milk off the step Dame ‘ilda! Dame Hilda: Oh thank you very much dear! Maud: I’ll pop out in a moment and sweep up the broken glass! Dr. Hinge: Well don’t use the vacuum cleaner this time Maud! It strips all the bristles off the brush! Dame Hilda: Oh and did you remember to bring that jar of honey from the shop dear? Maud: Oh yes I did Dame ‘ilda! I’ll sweep that up at the same time! Dame Hilda: That step sounds like it’s rather deep in broken glass this morning Maud! Dr. Hinge: And flowing with milk and honey! Maud: Well I ‘ad a bit of trouble getting me key in that lock of yours! I think it’s dropped again! Dr. Hinge: Onto the step presumably? Maud: I’ll ask my Tom to come round and ‘ave a look at it! ‘e can mend the fanlight while ‘e’s ‘ere! Dame Hilda: The fanlight dear? But there’s nothing wrong with the fanlight! Maud: There is now! You see I was struggling to get me key into the lock and the fanlight fell open and one ‘inge got broke! It’s ‘anging ‘alf off! As a matter of fact it was while I was trying to close it that the broom ‘andle went through that little window in the ‘all! Dame Hilda: You see Evadne if we hadn’t been arguing we would have heard all this and we might have been able to salvage something! Dr. Hinge: One thing I don’t understand Maud! If you had the broom there why didn’t you sweep up the broken glass off the step straight away? Maud: They don’t make broom ‘andles like they did! Still no real ‘arm done! My Tom’ll soon ‘ave it alright! Dr. Hinge: It’s a wonder your son finds time to do all the work you manage to get him Maud! Maud: ‘e’ll not expect no payment Doctor if that’s what you’re suggesting! Though I dare say Dame ‘ilda will see ‘e’s not out of pocket! Dame Hilda: Yes of course I will Maud! Now you’ dear, you must surely remember the old music emporium in the high street very well? Maud: What that dirty old ‘ole? Dr. Hinge: My sentiments exactly! Maud: Mind in the right ‘ands Dame ‘ilda it could be lovely! Dame Hilda: Precisely dear! As a matter of fact we’re going down there this morning to have a look round aren’t we Evadne? Dr. Hinge: Yes dear! Just to have a look round! Maud: If you like I’ll ring up my Tom and get ‘im to run you down the ‘igh street! Dame Hilda That would be very nice Maud and we could pick up the key on the way! Maud: He was under ‘is new car with ‘is father when I left them but I expect they’ve got the bottom back in by now! Dr. Hinge: Yes, It’s another new/old car is it Maud? Maud: No it’s not Doctor! It’s another old/new one! But if it’s not good enough? Dame Hilda: No Maud, the Doctor and I will be delighted and you know where the telephone is dear? Maud: I’ll not be a minute Dame ‘ilda! Dame Hilda: You know I’ve just had a thought Evadne! Perhaps young Tom could open up for us every morning and mind it when we’re not there! Dr. Hinge: Open minds, Eh, Hilda? Dame Hilda: You see Evadne you must face up to the possibility that we shall open that door, step over that threshold and say “This is us!” Well we might dear! Might we? Dr. Hinge: We might! Dame Hilda: And so later that morning Tom arrived to collect us and Evadne and I rattled down the high street, well when I say rattled I don’t mean we went particularly quickly we just rattled! I think Tom’s latest car was a reject from a scrapyard! It was awfully sweet of him to take it off their hands you know! But like so many people he considered a thing a wreck only if it belonged to somebody else! As the emporium did for example! Tom: Gawd! Is this it? Dame Hilda: This is it Tom dear! Tom: Blimey Dame! The only thing keeping it up is the verdigris! And you’ve got dry rot in them window frames and the brickwork needs repointing preferably towards Mecca! Dame Hilda: What dear? Tom: I mean it looks as if it needs praying for! Dame Hilda: What are you smiling at Evadne? Dr. Hinge: I was not smiling! Dame Hilda: You were! Dr. Hinge: I was not! Dame Hilda: Well if you weren’t smiling you should see a specialist! You’ve developed a very nasty little twitch at the corners of your mouth! Tom: Well here goes! Stand back Ladies the vibrations might bring the whole place down! { Door creaking!} Tom: Blimey! I thought the place would’ve been empty! The old girl must’ve left all her stuff here! There’s more white sheets here than a Ku Klux Klan convention! Dame Hilda: And everyone hiding a treasure I’ll be bound! Dr. Hinge: Ah! Atishoo! Dame Hilda: It’s not that dusty Evadne! I’ve never known anyone make a sneeze sound so like criticism! Dr. Hinge: Then stop stirring the dust Hilda! Calm down, move slowly, lift corners and peek! Don’t pull! You’re behaving like a manic ward sister on bed linen day! Dame Hilda: I say just look at this lovely pile of old sheet music! Ooh and there’s a Piano through there in the back! Take the dust sheet off it Tom dear and lets try out the acoustics! Tom: ‘Ere watch you don’t fetch the ceiling down Dame! Dame Hilda: Tom dear you’re being a bit of a wet blanket! Dr. Hinge: Atishoo! Dame Hilda: And you Evadne should have flu injections! Dr. Hinge: I did have flu injections dear! I should have had them for silicosis! Dame Hilda: Oh don’t be so silly! Now why not try the piano dear Dr. Hinge: Could do! Dame Hilda! Come on it looks a beauty! Dr. Hinge: It looks alright! Dame Hilda: Well try it! { Dr. Hinge tries the Piano!} Dame Hilda: There it’s absolutely beautiful! Dr. Hinge: It’s not bad! Dame Hilda: Oh it’s wonderful dear! You’ve never sounded better! Dr. Hinge: Hilda you would like it if it sounded like a hurdy gurdy played by a monkey! Dame Hilda: Well that’s just where you’re wrong dear because it doesn’t! Not a bit! Now lets try something from the pile here! Now let’s see, what have we got? ‘Sign the pledge for mothers sake!’ Dr. Hinge: Sounds a bit dry! Dame Hilda: What about ‘ I’ve got the Oopazootic!’ No I don’t think so! Or ‘Ode to a pansy!’ Dr. Hinge: Definitely not! Dame Hilda: Ooh here we are! ’ A May morning’ Looks to have a lovely happy feeling! We could breathe a bit of life back into the place, albeit only briefly! Dr. Hinge: Don’t try to play on my feelings, Hilda! Dame Hilda: I’d never dream of playing on anything of yours dear! You know that! Dr. Hinge: I say, Hilda, the music for this song was written by Luigi Denza you know! He wrote Funiculi Funicula! Dame Hilda: Well I don’t think we should hold that against him dear!
Tom: You don’t ‘alf know how to belt a song Dame! Dame Hilda: Thank you Tom! I think that was a compliment! Dr. Hinge: Well at least you’ve left the entire street in no doubt that you’ve just come out! Tom: And I’ll say this for you Doctor you’ve got a light touch! You’ve not brought a single bit of plaster off the walls and the ceilings still up! Dame Hilda: Don’t say things like that Tom! She’s never happy unless she’s brought the house down, now are you? Dr. Hinge: Don’t try to humour me, Hilda! Dame Hilda: Evadne you’re in an impossible mood! I’ve taken you into Aladdin’s cave and you’ve simply refused to rub your lamp! Dr. Hinge: Now Hilda do be practical! Tom: Well now if you’ll excuse me Ladies I’ll go and poke around a little! Dr. Hinge: Do what? Tom: See if I can get you some idea of what you might need doing to the place! Dame Hilda: Good idea Tom! I’m sure it can’t be very much! Tom: Won’t be long Ladies! Dame Hilda: Well Evadne? Dr. Hinge: Well what dear? Dame Hilda: doesn’t this place do something for you? Dr. Hinge: Yes it makes me sneeze! Ah! Ah! Dame Hilda: Now Evadne do stop it! You’ll rupture a blood vessel in your nose and people will think you’ve taken to drink! {Wind chime tinkles!} Dame Hilda: Evadne listen to that! Dr. Hinge: To what dear? Dame Hilda: That tinkling! It’s Miss Blenkinsop’s little tinkle! We always used to hear it in her sitting room! Remember? Dr. Hinge: It’s a wind chime Hilda! She had them everywhere! Dame Hilda: Well I know that dear! But it’s funny the way that one in her sitting room always tinkled when she was displeased, even when there wasn’t any wind! I think Miss Blenkinsop’s making her presence felt here! Willing us to save her emporium! Listen she’s tinkling again! Dr. Hinge: Yes! I don’t think she would be though Hilda if you weren’t waving the score of ‘The Dancing years’ in front of her chimes! Dame Hilda: I haven’t waved anything dear! Miss Blenkinsop was tinkling all on her own! She’s a very determined woman! Well she was, and I’d not like to upset her even in death! No dear! No! There’s definitely a presence! There it goes again and I was nowhere near it that time! Major: Hello there! Dr. Hinge: Well I don’t care what you say Hilda that is not Miss Blenkinsop’s voice! She was a bass! Dame Hilda: No dear! It’s Major Dyrenforth! How nice to see you Major! Major: Good morning Ladies! Dr. Hinge: Good morning, and what brings you out this way Major? Major: I’ve been out buying baubles for Lorna! It’s her birthday next week you see? Then we’ve got the decorators in! Dame Hilda: Well that doesn’t sound much of a treat dear! Major: Pure unfortunate coincidence that I’m afraid! Usual thing come for a week stay for a month, and we’ve had to redo it as soon as they’re gone! Dr. Hinge: It’s a difficult time! One of life’s great trials! Major: Well they’ve got such definitive ideas these days don’t you find? I mean you just take the drawing room! Lorna and I wanted duck egg blue and a nice regency stripe, Could we get it? Not on your life! Know what we got? Avocado and bamboo wallpaper that makes it look like a dugout in the Burma campaign! All green fronds and big exotic birds! And the mess! We were going to putdust sheets down of course but he said “We don’t need dust sheets we won’t make a mess!” As a matter of fact I’ve just ordered new carpets! I was passing and glimpsed you through the muck on that window! Well what brings you two here? Dr. Hinge: Now Major you’re a sensible man? Dame Hilda: Evadne let me tell the Major, after all the solicitors letter was addressed to me! Dr. Hinge: Very well just as you wish Hilda, but remember dear I am listening! Dame Hilda: You see Major in a nut shell Evadne and I have been bequeathed the emporium on condition that we reopen it and run it as a shop come museum but Evadne’s worried about the responsibility and the work involved, aren’t you dear? Dr. Hinge: Among other things! Dame Hilda: Well you just keep your other things to yourself for the time being! Major: Oh I see! So you want me to make the judgement of Solomon is that it? Dr. Hinge: Well sort of! Major: I wish I hadn’t come in! I mean is it worthwhile preserving? Is there much interesting stuff? Dame Hilda: Well Major just take a look around you, so many lovely things! We’ve got gramophones, musical instruments and the entire ‘Ring cycle’ on 78s! Dr. Hinge: Mm! Certainly present a challenge to a shop lifter! Dame Hilda: All these pictures of so many wonderful people, and look here this square of velvet cut from the house tabs at the old Metropolitan opera house in New York! Dr. Hinge: Presumably by some opera loving vandal! Dame Hilda: Evadne you really must give me a chance! Now come here and sit on this chair! Dr. Hinge: Why? What have you done to it? Dame Hilda: Just sit on it! There! Now read the label Major! Major: On this wicker chair Madame Kirsten Flagstad once sat while trying to get her breath back as Brünnhilde! Dame Hilda: There you are Evadne you’re now in touch with one of the great moments of musical history! Dr. Hinge: Mm! And I’ve got to the bottom of Brünnhilde at last! Eh, Hilda? Dame Hilda: This place really does have the most wonderful atmosphere! I mean even Evadne’s beginning to enjoy herself! { Loud banging!} Major: What was that? A clog dancing poltergeist? Dame Hilda: It’ll be Tom testing the floor above, he’s checking the place structurally! That’s Maud’s son! Major: Let’s hope it can stand up to it! Dr. Hinge: Oh he’s alright! She’s the demolition expert! Dame Hilda: I say Evadne just look! Dr. Hinge: What dear? Dame Hilda: Over here! Just look what I’ve found! Dr. Hinge: A harp! Major: I’d have thought Miss Blenkinsop would have had more use for that than you two! It’s a wonder she didn’t take it with her! Dame Hilda: Evadne this is not just any harp! Look at the initials MD! Dr. Hinge: Yes? Dame Hilda: Oh don’t be so obtuse! A harp bearing the initials MD? What could they possibly stand for? Dr. Hinge: Musical director? Major: The Merthyr Tydfil dairy company? Their emblem is probably a harp! Dame Hilda: Oh no I don’t think so dear! I’m sure it would be a hazard on top of a milk float! There’s only one possibility! Mary Dale! Major: Mary Dale! Is that anywhere near Darley Dale? Dame Hilda: No Major, Mrs Dale’s diary!{ harp glissando!} I’m very worried about Jim! Oh damn I’ve broken a finger nail! Dr. Hinge: You should drink more milk Hilda! You’ve obviously got a calcium deficiency dear apart from anything else! Dame Hilda: To think twice a day every day for all those years that wonderful Mrs Dale sat in front of this very instrument poised to gliss! Dr. Hinge: I do think that you are jumping to conclusions dear! For one thing we don’t know it was Mrs Dales! Dame Hilda: Oh but we do dear because the label clearly says so! Ex BBC sold at a charity auction! Dr. Hinge: Even if it were dear, Mrs Dale would never have played the music live! It would have been pre recorded! Dame Hilda: Oh stuff and nonsense Evadne! Of course it was live! You could definitely hear her breathing! Oh Tom dear what’s the rest of the place look like then? Tom: No problems Ladies not bad at all! I could easily do the work me self Dame and I think I know where I could lay me ‘ands on most of the materials! There’s a chap building a new ‘ouse for ‘imself on the corner by the garage! Now if I play me cards right I should be able to get a bit of cement off ‘im! Should be able to get a bit of plaster off ‘im an’ all and when ‘e gets to putting in ‘is windows, I should be able to get a bit of glass as well! Now what else? Oh yeah! I should be able to get some bricks off ‘im! Dr. Hinge: Did you say he was building a house Tom? Tom: Yes Doctor! Dr. Hinge: It rather sounds as if he’s going to have to live in a bungalow! Dame Hilda: Well Evadne what are we going to do about Miss Blenkinsop’s bequest? Dr. Hinge: Well I must admit Hilda it’s really rather exciting! Isn’t it? Dame Hilda: And Tom will help and the Major will help! Major: You can certainly rely on us! Tom: You bet! Dr. Hinge: Well you seem rather successfully to have routed the opposition, don’t you Hilda? Dame Hilda: Then you agree! We shall accept it and we shall reopen it? Dr. Hinge: Yes dear I agree! {Tinkling!} Dame Hilda: There Evadne listen, listen! Miss Blenkinsop’s tinkling again! You see you’ve just made her very happy! Dr. Hinge: I thought she tinkled when she was displeased Hilda? Dame Hilda: Well she does dear yes but in quite a different way! So that’s settled then we can all go home! Dr. Hinge: Hilda what are you doing with that harp? Dame Hilda: Taking it home dear! Dr. Hinge: WHAT!! Dame Hilda: I daren’t leave it here someone might buy it!
{Crash!} Dr. Hinge: Ah, Maud! Maud: I didn’t as much as touch that window Doctor it fell out on it’s own! Dr. Hinge: Don’t worry Maud dear! Tom knows where to get a new window frame from I’m sure! Dame Hilda: You know Tom it rather sounds as if that friend of yours is going to have to make do with a very dark bungalow!
Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor |
