Dr. Hinge: And where have you been standing all day?

Dame Hilda: Oh, shut up and play.

There are times when I feel absolutely reckless

There are times when I feel full of sighs and groans

There are times when I like dancing

To melodies entrancing

When big saxophones

Are moaning, moaning, moaning

There are times when I like going out to supper

At some restaurant where things are done in style

A cocktail weenie, a dry martini

And although I may feel dizzy

After drinking something fizzy

I’m a perfect little lady all the while

Dame Hilda: Well, done dear, barely a wrong note.

Dr. Hinge: And talking of notes, I’ve got a sheaf of messages here somewhere. While you were gadding about, half the village was trying to get hold up.

Dame Hilda: Ah, well, that's what comes of being popular.

Dr. Hinge: I've done nothing but answer that wretched phone all day long and not one of the calls was for me.

Dame Hilda: Ah, that's what comes of being unpopular.

Dr. Hinge: Now, let me see. The Lady Mayoress phoned, she wants you to judge the cat show this year.

Dame Hilda: Does she really? We may as well enter our three then.

Dr. Hinge: And Naomi Mellinger phoned, she's going to pop around tomorrow morning to talk about the Harvest festival.

Dame Hilda: Oh dear!

Dr. Hinge: What's the matter?

Dame Hilda: I won't be here tomorrow.

Dr. Hinge: Well, it doesn't matter. She said if tomorrow was inconvenient she could make it Wednesday.

Dame Hilda: Oh dear!

Dr. Hinge: Well, what now?

Dame Hilda: I won’t here on Wednesday either.

Dr. Hinge: You're not emigrating, are you?

Dame Hilda: In fact, I'm going to be out every day this week as I'm pretty sure I told you and if I didn't I'm telling you now.

Dr. Hinge: Every day this week,

Dame Hilda: Every single day, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, I don't wish to pry into your private affairs and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

Dame Hilda: Right, that's, that, then.

Dr. Hinge: Are you going to be out all day, every day?

Dame Hilda: All day, every day dear, but don't worry I've told Maud she's to look after you.

Dr. Hinge: You can tell Maud to stay at home.

Dame Hilda: Well, I thought she'd be a bit of company for you, dear.

Dr. Hinge: If I want that sort of company I can go to the zoo.

Dame Hilda: But, if I'm not here and Maud’s not here aren't you going to find it very quiet?

Dr. Hinge: Hopefully, Hilda, yes.

{Next day.}

{Phone rings!}

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Heaven's not again. Hello, Stackton 295. This is an answering service. Dame Hilda is out all day today, but she'll be back sometime after seven this evening so will you please ring her then, thank you. What? Oh, hello, Lorna…. Yes, it's me…. I've no idea where she is. She's been out all week…. Well, I'm not her keeper. If I was I’d have her put down a long time ago…Yes, I know it's Thursday….and yes, I know she's usually in the cake shop on a Thursday morning.... Wasn't she? Well, who knows? Perhaps she's joined Weight Watchers or found a cake shop where the cream buns are bigger.

P&D: Hello, It’s us!

Dr. Hinge: Sorry, Lorna. Those idiots, the Moores are at the garden door. Hang on. I'll get rid of them. And, Lorna, hold the receiver away from your ear, dear, I'm going to shout. DAME HILDA’S NOT HERE!!.

Mandy: It doesn't matter, Doctor.

Peter: No, you'll do.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you very much. Sorry Lorna I'm going to have to see what the idiots want... Yes I'll tell Hilda you phoned... all right, bye bye, now.

Mandy: Hello, Doctor.

Dr. Hinge: Hello, Peter, Mandy. Sorry to keep you waiting, but I had that idiot Lorna Dyrenforth on the phone. And what can I do for you two?

Mandy: We won't keep you a moment, Doctor.

Peter: We just want you to give you this. It's an invitation...

Mandy: Oh, don't, P, you’ll spoil the surprise. The Doctor will find out what it is when she opens it, won’t she.

Peter: I was only trying to save time, she doesn't need to open it now, does she?

Mandy: Of course she does, P, if she doesn't open it now, how's she going to find out what it's an invitation to?

Peter: Well, I can tell her that as well can't I? It's an invitation to our...

Mandy: P, you're spoiling the surprise!

Dr. Hinge: I think I'd better open this before the suspense kills me. I say, how intriguing, Peter and

Mandy Moore invite blank to blank on blank at blank, RSVP. It's a bit vague, isn't it?

Mandy: P, you haven't filled it in.

Dr. Hinge: Perhaps he uses invisible ink. Ha, ha, ha!

Peter: You didn't say anything about filling them in, did you? You simply handed me a pile of envelopes and a pile of invites and said stick one of those in each of those and be quick about it and I was.

Mandy: You know, I sometimes think you're non compos mentis!

Peter: What?

Mandy: And stupid!

Mandy: The fact is, Doctor, we're having drinkies on Sunday morning.

Peter: And nibbles.

Mandy: On the patio if fine.

Peter: In the rumpus room if wet.

Dr. Hinge: Nibbles in the rumpus room. I say that does sound decadent, I'm sure Hilda will love it.

Mandy: Oh, funnily enough, we saw Dame Hilda in town yesterday.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, did you, where?

Mandy: Well, she was having lunch in that little Italian restaurant next to the bookshop, wasn't she, P?

Peter: That's right, she was. She was having lunch there on Tuesday when we passed as well.

Mandy: P's office is near there, you see, and I've been meeting him in his lunch hour and taking him shopping. But he's got a day off work today, haven't you, P?

Peter: That's right, so I'm taking D shopping instead.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda didn't say she'd seen you.

Mandy: I don't think she did see us. She seemed far too preoccupied with her gentleman friend. And we didn't like to bang on the window.

Dr. Hinge: Her gentleman friend?

Peter: Well, we can't swear he's a gentleman, but they certainly seemed friendly.

Mandy: Oh, very friendly, very close.

Peter: Very chummy. They were sitting so close together yesterday they were eating the same stick of celery.

Mandy: Intimate, that's the word I’d use.

Peter: I say steady on old girl.

Dr. Hinge: What exactly does he look like, this intimate gentleman friend of hers?

Mandy: Well, we didn't really get much of a look at him, we didn't like to stand staring in for too long.

Peter: No, we couldn't anyway once the waiter had drawn the curtain.

Mandy: He's about 50, I'd say, sleek black hair, little moustache, smartly dressed, wears a rose in his buttonhole, chunky gold cuff links and a polka dot bow tie. Apart from that I couldn't really tell you.

Dr. Hinge: Well, that certainly doesn't sound like anybody I know. Perhaps we’d better have a cup of coffee and a little chat.

{Restaurant.}

Dame Hilda: Well, I must say Roberto, that was another delightful little luncheon. I'm going to miss my lunches next week.

Roberto:  Do you know you have really told me very little about your home life, about your friend, Evadne

Dame Hilda: Well, I don't want to bore you. I much prefer to talk about La Bella Italia!

Roberto: But all week over lunch we talk about my country.

Dame Hilda: Well, as I told you dear, I look upon Italy with great affection, having spent so much time there and in my formative years.

Roberto: Tell me how long exactly did you live there?

Dame Hilda: Oh, about three years, studying and touring. Did I tell you I had to be smuggled out in a laundry basket?

Roberto: Why no. You told me only of the audiences that threw flowers at you, you said nothing of the hostile ones.

Dame Hilda:  No, no, no, dear, no. It wasn't because of the audiences. It was because of Mussolini.

Roberto: Mussolini did not like your singing?

Dame Hilda: Mussolini loved it. That was the trouble, you see, war broke out and Mussolini took one look at my Tosca and wanted to hang on to me for the duration. He was probably trying to save me from falling into the hands of ENSA.

Roberto: You know, I could listen to you for hours.

Dame Hilda: That's another reason why lunch won't be the same next week. Evadne never listens to a word I say.

Roberto: I tell you what, Hilda, at the end of October, I go home to Napoli for a few weeks, come with me.

Dame Hilda: What?

Roberto: Come with me to Napoli. I could give you a holiday to remember.

Dame Hilda: I bet you could.

Roberto: And you will come?

Dame Hilda: Oh, Roberto if only, but alas, I can't leave Evadne. She's totally dependent on me, she can't do a thing for herself.

Roberto: She's very sick?

Dame Hilda: No, she's very old.

Roberto: Then bring her with you. The holiday will do her good. The poor old lady can doze in a deck chair while we two gallivant!

Dame Hilda: Oh, we'd never get her onto an aircraft, not with her gammy legs and her sticks and of course her terrible fear of flying.

Roberto:  Ah, well, perhaps one day. But if I can’t tempt you to Napoli, perhaps I can at least tempt you to a dessert.

Dame Hilda: Well, you can try.

Roberto: Then how does the torta de albicocchi con zabaglione al amaretto sound to you?

Dame Hilda: Tempting, what is it?

Roberto: Waiter?

Waiter: Si Senore!.

Roberto: Luigi, will you please tell Senorina how Julio makes his torta de albicocchi con zabaglione al amaretto.

Waiter: Si, Senore. You see Senorina, first, he make a rich, crumbly pastry using the eggs, cream, and a generous dash of amaretto liqueur.

Roberto:  Amaretto liqueur.

Dame Hilda: Oooh!

Waiter: Onto this then, he piles fresh apricots, wild strawberries, and crystallised violets.

Roberto: Con amore. Made with love!

Dame Hilda: Goodness gracious me!

Waiter: And finally he bakes the whole creation in zabaglione, a delicious and heady froth of eggs, whisked with sugar and sweet wine, in this case more amaretto liqueur!

Roberto: Ah, zabaglione, bellissimo!

Dame Hilda: Gosh, sounds absolutely delicious.

Roberto: That is settled then. Una torta de albicocchi con zabaglione al amarretto por favor, Luigi!.

Dame Hilda: No, no, no, no, I mustn't, I really mustn’t!

Roberto: Oh, but surely.

Dame Hilda: No, no, I must be firm, not at lunchtime no.

Roberto: Oh, Senorina Please.

Dame Hilda: Oh. Oh. You couldn't pop it into a little box for me could you? So that I can take it away for later.

Waiter:  Oh, si Senorina in a box.

Roberto:  And I was beginning to think that I had lost my power to charm.

Dame Hilda: Never, Roberto, never. Why, I say, just look at the time, I must be getting along. You pick up my box for me, would you? I'll see you later. Ciao.

Robero: Ciao. All right, Luigi. I’ll settle up this evening, eh?

Waiter: Si Senore, and here is the Senorina’s little box.

Roberto: Thank you, Luigi. We'll see you later.

Waiter: Si Senore? Ciao.

{Phone rings.}

Waiter: Julio's restaurante, hello... Si Senorina I’ll help if I can… what does your friend look like? fluffy, excuse me, did you say fluffy or scruffy?.., ah, plump, si, si, si.... I don't really know Senorina that all depends on what you mean by silly hat. Well, perhaps you could describe the gentleman then... oh, si, si, si,  that is Senore Roberto... No, no, they have just left, but they will be back about six.… they just like to relax over a glass of wine after work. If it is really that urgent, Seniorina, I suggest you go straight to the shop... Roberto's on Angel Hill... But it is where your friend is working, Seniorina.,,, Si, working in Roberto's shoe shop, shoes de Napoli.

{Shoe shop.}

Dame Hilda: There are times when I feel absolutely reckless. There are times when I feel.

Dr. Hinge: Hello Hilda!

Dame Hilda: Oh Evadne, what are you doing here?

Dr. Hinge: What are you doing here?

Dame Hilda: Oh, just looking at shoes, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Have you been here long?

Dame Hilda: Not very long, no.

Dr. Hinge: Isn't there anybody serving?

Dame Hilda: Oh, yes, yes there is.

Dr. Hinge: Where are they?

Dame Hilda: Oh, they’re about.

Dr. Hinge: Let's get some service shall we? SHOP!!

Dame Hilda: Evadne, don’t!

Dr. Hinge: We want some service don't we, Hilda? Shop!

Roberto: Miss Bracket, are you there?

Dame Hilda: Yes, it is all right, Mr Roberto, I’m here.

Dr. Hinge: Miss Bracket?

Dame Hilda: Well, one does not want to make the customers feel inferior, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Customers?

Dame Hilda: Oh, alright. And now you know, don't you? So you can wipe that silly smirk off your face and go home.

Dr. Hinge: Not until you tell me what you are doing here.

Dame Hilda: I'll tell you that when I get home. I am paid to sell shoes, not to stand around gossiping.

Dr. Hinge: Very well then?

Dame Hilda: What are you sitting down for?

Dr. Hinge: I am going to buy a pair of shoes.

Dame Hilda: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Evadne. If you want shoes, go where you usually go, to the government's surplus store.

Dr. Hinge: You were saying just last week that I needed a decent pair?

Dame Hilda: Well, that is true. What sort of thing do you want?

Dr. Hinge: Well, something like these I am wearing.

Dame Hilda: Oh, we don't stock hobnail boots.

Dr. Hinge: Don't you sell a plain brogue?

Dame Hilda: Of course we do.

Dr. Hinge: Well, I'd like to try on a pair.

Dame Hilda: Well, I'll see what we have in your size.

Dr. Hinge: And while you are looking, you can tell me what you are doing here.

Dame Hilda: Oh, very well. Well, it was last Saturday, you remember, I popped into town to collect my new spectacles.

Dr. Hinge: Yes.

Dame Hilda: Well, on the way back from the opticians to the car park I just happened to glance in the window here.

Dr. Hinge: You just glanced.

Dame Hilda: All right, I looked, well, I had to make sure I could see properly with my new spectacles, didn't I? Anyway, there was this absolutely exquisite pair of shoes.

Dr. Hinge: And how long exactly did you stand looking at them?

Dame Hilda: Evadne, I will not be cross examined.

Dr. Hinge: All this time, I was at home trying to keep your lunch warm.

Dame Hilda: You could have let it go cold for all I cared, you and your herbal waffles.

Dr. Hinge: You didn't have to eat them.

Dame Hilda: Then why didn't you say so at the time? Anyway, to return to my story. I was standing there wondering how I could possibly afford these shoes when Cynthia Woolcott, who works here, you know her she’s in the W.I, well, she saw me out there and she rushed out and she dragged me in and she said, I was the answer to her prayers.

Dr. Hinge: I always thought she was a bit funny.

Dame Hilda: And as it turned out, she was the answer to mine. You see, she wanted to take this week off and Mr. Roberto said she could if she could find a suitable stand in.

Dr. Hinge: Well, why on earth didn't you tell me all this on Saturday?

Dame Hilda: Well, I was going too but you started going on about how big the electricity bill was going to be because you had to keep my lunch warm, and how we were going to have to economise and I just thought, well, that wasn't the best moment to say anything about spending 145 pounds on a pair of shoes.

Dr. Hinge: 145 pounds?

Dame Hilda: Well, they are hand sewn Italian calf skin dear.

Dr. Hinge: I don't care if they're hand-cut crystal! 145 pounds would more than have paid the electricity bill.

Dame Hilda: And that's another reason for not telling you, I'm blowed if I was going to work a whole week just to pay a rotten old electricity bill.

Dr. Hinge: Well, perhaps in future you’ll refrain from using the rotten old electricity.

Dame Hilda: And that's the third reason for not telling you, I knew you'd go on. Anyway, what with my wages and my staff discount, those shoes will cost me practically nothing.

Dr. Hinge: How much?

Dame Hilda: Ah, here we are, brogues. These are your size and they're only 23 pounds.

Dr. Hinge: I can't afford new shoes now. One of us has got to behave responsibly.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, we have just paid our electricity bill and I gave you my half. So what I do with the rest of my money is really nothing to do with you. Anyway, I've worked for those shoes. I've worked jolly hard, I have left home every morning at the crack of dawn and I've not returned home till dark.

Dr. Hinge: As far as I can ascertain, you spent a good deal of your 12-hour day having lunch and drinkies after work.

Dame Hilda: Well, you know what they say about Jack?

Dr. Hinge: Jack who?

Dame Hilda: All work and no play Jack, he was reputedly a very dull boy and I know who he took after. Now, do you want to buy these shoes or not?

Dr. Hinge: Well, I shall want to try them on first.

Dame Hilda: Oh, well, go on then, who's stopping you?

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, the last time I was in a shoe shop, the assistant got down in her knees, removed one of my old shoes and gently eased my foot into one of the new ones.

Dame Hilda: Ah, well, the last time you were in a shoe shop, they still had slavery.

Dr. Hinge: Perhaps your boss would be more helpful... Mr. Roberto!!

Roberto: Coming.

Dame Hilda: There's no need, Mr. Roberto, it's all right. All right then, Evadne, give me your foot. There, how does that feel?

Dr. Hinge: Hard to tell with your finger stuck in the back.

Dame Hilda: Then lift your heel up and I'll take it out.

Dr. Hinge: And how am I supposed to get my heel back in again.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, you're going to have to do something for yourself, after all, you won't always have me and my finger to rely on.

Dr. Hinge: You'd think that a shop as expensive as this would be able to run to a shoe horn.

Dame Hilda: And what do you think this is? hanging around my waist.

Dr. Hinge: Now, why don't you use it?

Dame Hilda: Because the cords too short.

Dr. Hinge: Which obviously means that your waist is too large.

Dame Hilda: It means nothing of the sort. It means I've got it knotted in the wrong place and I can't unknot it.

Dr. Hinge: Here, let me try.

Dame Hilda: Evadne customers are not permitted to handle staff.

Roberto: Miss Bracket, could I please have a word?

Dame Hilda: Certainly, Mr. Roberto, perhaps Madam would like to walk about a bit and see how they feel.

Dr. Hinge: Don't you worry Madam was going to.

Dame Hilda: Now, Mr. Roberto?

Roberto: Are you having trouble with that customer?

Dame Hilda: Well, a bit, but nothing I can't handle.

Roberto:  Why don't you go into the office, make yourself a cup of tea and leave her to me?

Dame Hilda: No, no, I can manage her.

Roberto: I'm sure you can, but I have had a good deal more experience with awkward customers. So I will deal with her.

Dame Hilda: May the best man win!

Roberto: Now, Madam.

Dr. Hinge: I am not a Madam, I am a Doctor.

Roberto: Ah, I see a Doctor, and you are looking for something sensible to walk the hospital wards in, yes?

Dr. Hinge: I'm a Doctor of music.

Roberto: Ah, Doctor of music, and you are looking for something sensible to march with the band in, yes?

Dr. Hinge: I'm just looking for something sensible, and I've obviously come to the wrong shop. HILDA!!

Roberto: Miss Bracket is having her tea break.

Dr. Hinge: Well, she can jolly well stop having her tea break and do a bit of work for a change. After all, she's just had her lunch, and is there’s only a couple of hours to drinkies time. HILDA!!

Dame Hilda: Evadne, you must stop shouting.

Roberto: Evadne?

Dame Hilda: Yes, Mr. Roberto. This is my friend, Dr. Evadne Hinge. This is the one I've told you so much about.

Roberto: But, er... the gammy legs, the sticks?

Dr. Hinge: What gammy legs? What have you been saying about me, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Now, now, Evadne, do you want those shoes or not?

Dr. Hinge: Yes. When you've told me what you've been saying about me.

Dame Hilda: Then give me your money. Thank you, and I'll pop them in the bag for you.

Dr. Hinge: Just a minute, Hilda.

Roberto: So you're the famous Dr. Hinge. I am delighted to make your acquaintance Seniorina.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you.

Roberto: As you may have gathered, you are not at all as I had pictured you.

Dr. Hinge: The first thing one learns about Hilda is Senore Roberto, is never to believe a single word, she says.

Dame Hilda: There you are Evadne! I'll see you later.

Dr. Hinge: Yes. I'll be waiting for you.

Roberto: I fancy your friend is not very pleased with you, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: I fancy you’re right.

Roberto: So what are you smiling about?

Dame Hilda: Well, I just wish I could see Evadne’s face when she gets home. And discovers that she's paid £23 for a slice of torta de albicocchi con zabaglione al amarretto!

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor