Dame Hilda:  Evadne and I are constantly amazed with the things we come across in the garden. I mean quite apart from other people's cats, dogs, tortoises and balls, shuttlecocks for example, we're always finding shuttlecocks. Then one morning we found a packet of egg and cress sandwiches wrapped in cellophane. And a dough nut with a set of false teeth embedded in it. As Evadne said, somebody must have panicked.

{Toothless mumble.} But I did get a bit of a shock a week or two back when I glanced out of the drawing room window.

{Drawing room.}

Dame Hilda: I say, Evadne!

Dr. Hinge: What dear?

Dame Hilda: There's a strange man in our front garden.

Dr. Hinge: A man? Where?

Dame Hilda: Oh, oh you've missed him. He's gone into the shrubbery.

Dr. Hinge:  Oh, what sort of man was he? I mean what did he look like?

Dame Hilda: Rather disreputable, he's wearing corduroy trousers and an old tweed jacket with both the elbows out of it. What on earth can he be doing in that shrubbery I wonder?

Dr. Hinge: Well perhaps he's um... answering a call of nature.

Dame Hilda: What in our shrubbery? Shall I tell Maud to go out and see?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, no dear, that would be too cruel.

Dame Hilda: Oh wait a minute, Evadne, look, look see, there's his hat.

Dr. Hinge:  Where, where, where?

Dame Hilda:  Ah, look see there's his hat again, there, see, there.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I see it.

Dame Hilda: And that's his head.

Dr. Hinge: Well, yes I guessed that.

Dame Hilda: Oh I say, he's taken out a notebook and a pencil. Look he's making notes, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, he's trying to trace the sewers I expect.

Dame Hilda: Well, why doesn't he come and ask you then? You know where the sewers are, don't you?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, I do.

Dame Hilda: I thought you would.

Dr. Hinge: Or it might be the drains. Or possibly the water supply.

Dame Hilda: I do wish you'd get your mind off pipes. Oh, I say, look, look he's got a handful of soil. He's smelling it. Now he's writing in his little book again.

Dr. Hinge: Oh I do hope he's not from the coal board. Open cast mining could ruin the lobelia.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, I think he's tasting the soil. He's probably one of those friends of the earth. Might even be the man who wrote that little book you've got, food for free.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, I suppose he could be checking for soil pollution. I mean that farmer down the road has been spraying from the air lately.

Dame Hilda: How very agile of him. Oh, Evadne, look he's wandering off down the drive. He's vanished. Now I wonder what he's up to. You don't think he was casing the joint, do you? As they say.

Dr. Hinge: Well he could have been and he'll probably creep back in the dead of night with an accomplice and a tipper truck and steal our topsoil.

Dame Hilda: Well of course if you're going to be a silly, dear. I wonder if we should inform the police. They do always tell you to report anything suspicious. I mean just supposing you were an old lady living on your own.

Dr. Hinge: I am not an old lady living on my own.

Dame Hilda: No but you would be if I wasn't here. He could have given you a very nasty turn.

Dr. Hinge: What do you mean a nasty turn? He didn't bother me, not in the least. I'm telling you he's probably from the water board or something.

Dame Hilda: You didn't see his credentials though did you?

Dr. Hinge: Well, no I didn't.

Dame Hilda: There you are then. You see, you should always ask to see their credentials.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, but he didn't try to gain admittance.

Dame Hilda: Ah, that's probably because he saw me here with you. He probably thought you had your daughter staying. But it might have been a different story had he thought for one moment that you were a frail old lady living on your own.

Dr. Hinge: Will you stop going on about old ladies? I am not an old lady.

Dame Hilda: Well you know my opinion on that, dear, but I won't argue with you. If it's going to get you excited, it's not good for your blood pressure. Not your age.

Maud: Dame ‘ilda, could you open this door for me please? I’ve got me ‘ands full?

Dame Hilda: All right, Maud, dear, I'm coming.

Dr. Hinge: No, no, no, don't pander to her, Hilda. You've only just sat down and anyway the stupid woman really must learn how to open it all for herself, even with her hands full. I mean it's a trick that has been mastered by every other servant I've ever come across.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, might I remind you, dear. The last time you attempted to teach Maud that little servant's trick of yours. We ended up with mushrooms a la grecque, all over the hall carpet and sole Jessica dripping down our dado.

Maud: Dame ‘ilda?

Dr. Hinge: All right Maud, now stop kicking that door. I'm coming. So it's coffee time at last is it Maud? And about time too, I'm gasping.

Maud: Well you can call it coffee time, Doctor, but it's lemon tea you're ‘aving.

Dr. Hinge: Now Maud. Elevenses should be served at 11. Whatever the beverage that you in your wisdom have decided to inflict upon us, it is now 11:30.

Maud: Well, now, Doctor, let me tell you something. When you're stuck standing out in the ‘all just staring at a tight shut door and an ‘eavy tray in your ‘ands and them inside choosing to take not a blind bitta notice, you do tend to lose all sense of time, and you can't look at yer watch, can you?

Dame Hilda: Evadne, do stand aside, dear, and let Maud in before the lemon tea gets either cold or it is dropped all over the carpet.

Maud: Oh thank you, Dame ‘ilda, if it weren't for you I'd let ‘er get her own elevenses and she could ‘ave ‘em any time she liked.

Dame Hilda:  Just pop it down on the little table then, dear, would you?

Dr. Hinge: You're sure the little table's strong enough to bear the weight of that heavy, heavy tray.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, enough is enough, dear. I must say that if I was Maud I'd be a little tired of your teasing by now.

Maud: Teasing? She ain’t teasing, she's just plain ratty that's all.

Dame Hilda: Now Maud, please. Sometimes you go too far, dear. I won't have you saying things like that about the Doctor. You can think them but you mustn't say them. Now, you just pour her a nice cup of lemon tea and take the bowl of lemons and the bread knife off her chair so that she can sit down.

Dr. Hinge: Thank you.

Maud: You're welcome.

Dame Hilda: Oh I say Maud. What lovely looking cakes. What are they, dear?

Maud: Well, to be quite ‘onest, Dame ‘ilda,  I don't know what you'd call ‘em. I made ‘em up out of me ‘ead.

Dr. Hinge: Rock cakes.

Dame Hilda: Evadne!

Maud: Well, that just shows ‘ow much you know, Doctor. Because rock cakes ‘as currants in ‘em and sugar and eggs and milk in ‘em and these ain't got none of them in ‘em.

Dr. Hinge: What have they got in ‘em? Sawdust?

Dame Hilda: Seriously though. What have they got in ‘em?  Err..in them?

Maud: Well, not very much to tell the truth. There's some chopped carrot, I learned that little trick during the war. There's a nutmeg, mind that should have been grated but I couldn't find the grater. And them black bits, them’s prunes, some of them stoned and some ain’t. Oh and there's a secret ingredient. You just have a bite Dame ‘ilda, See if you can tell me what it is.

Dame Hilda:  Well why don't you just give me a little clue first, dear. in case it's something I'm allergic to. It doesn't begin with a P does it?

Maud: A, P, Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: Paraffin!

Dr. Hinge: Or prussic acid?

Maud: You're pulling my leg. Oh go on Dame ‘ilda, ‘ave a bite.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, go on Hilda, have a bite. And watch out for the nutmeg!

Dame Hilda: Oh no. Oh no. I'm not going to have a bite. Not until I know what the secret ingredient is. Now stop playing about Maud and tell me.

Maud: It’s gin!

Dame Hilda: Gin, dear?

Maud: Gin, well, I ‘ad to ‘ave something to wet it with. And there's no eggs and no milk, well, water seemed a bit insipid.

Dr. Hinge: Well, if you're still searching for a name for those cakes, Maud, might I suggest that you call them shot cakes.

Dame Hilda: You mean short cakes, Evadne, because they're short of something?

Dr. Hinge: No, no. I mean shot cakes, Hilda. Because anyone who concocts a gastronomic abomination like that and then has the gall to serve them up for elevenses deserves to be shot.

Maud: Right, If you don't want ‘em, Doctor, you shan’t ‘ave ‘em. Give ‘em ‘ere, I’ll ‘ave ‘em all back. I know plenty of folks that’d give their eye teeth for something a bit different like them. So I've done all I've got to do about the ‘ouse, I'm off ‘ome. Good day!

Dame Hilda: Well you've really done it this time haven't you? I do hope she comes back. Oh. I say, Evadne? There's a strange man in our back garden now.

Dr. Hinge: Where, where?

Dame Hilda: Oh I do wish you were a bit quicker, dear, he's just gone behind that apple tree. Oh no, there he is, there!

Dr. Hinge: That's the same man as before.

Dame Hilda: Oh, so it is. Oh, thank heavens for that, I thought for a minute we were surrounded.

Dr. Hinge: I say, he’s spotted us, Hilda. He's coming this way, now, I’ll open the garden door and see what he wants.

Dame Hilda: And I'll stand right behind you dear so that he can see you're not a little old lady living all on your own.

Dr. Hinge: Can I help you?

Parsons: Real question is Missus. Can I help you? Are you Dame Hilda Bracket?

Dr. Hinge: No I'm not. She's the one cowering behind me with the poker her hand.

Dame Hilda: Good morning.

Parsons: Morning, ma’am.

Dame Hilda: Ask to see his credentials, Evadne, make sure he is who he says he is.

Dr. Hinge: He hasn't said who he is yet.

Dame Hilda: Well, when he does, stupid woman!

Parsons: Now, I've had a good look around you front and back. It looks as if you could do with me say on two mornings a week.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, do you now? And what exactly do you suppose we’re going to do with you on these two mornings?

Dame Hilda: Ask to see his credentials!

Dr. Hinge: Oh, be quiet!

Parsons: You do know who I am, I suppose.

Dr. Hinge: I haven't the foggiest idea of who you are. However I assume that you will be able to offer me some explanation of your uninvited presence on our property.

Dame Hilda: If you're from the water board or something we're going to have to ask you to show us your credentials before you have anything up.

Parsons: Cross purposes. I thought you seemed a bit jittery. So they didn't phone you?

Dr. Hinge: Who didn't?

Parsons: Oh, I might have guessed they wouldn't. They're a bit airy fairy the pair of them. He's forever planting avocado pair stones. And she's got a weed garden. Well, she did have a weed garden, might still have had, had she told me she had one before I went and weeded it.

Dame Hilda: Oh, now I know. You must be the man who worked such wonders in Peter and Mandy Moore's garden. You’re old Bayleaf, aren’t you?

Dr. Hinge: Hilda!

Parsons: Oh so that's what they call me behind me back, is it? Oh, they would. Well, the name's Parsons, ma’am, Cyril Parsons.

Dr. Hinge:  Well I don't know what they told you Mr Parsons but we do not require a gardener.

Parsons: Oh, I’ll trust you'll not mind me speaking me mind ma’am. But having had a look round that is not my opinion. Now, just you take your Virginia cordifolia for a start.

Dr. Hinge: The large leaved saxifrage Mr Parsons. Yes, what about it?

Parsons: So you're familiar with the Latin then are you? Well it's in the wrong place.

Dr. Hinge: What exactly do you mean by that?

Parsons:  It's too close to your Dutchman's breeches.

Dr. Hinge: Dutchman's breeches?

Dame Hilda: Ah ha, you've got her there Mr Parsons. She may be familiar with the Latin but she knows very little about breeches, Dutchman's or otherwise.

Parsons: It's that small shrubby plant with a compoundly cut leaves, fleshy stalks and long curled sprays of large rosy pink heart shaped flowers. Now do you know the one I'm talking about?

Dr. Hinge: I assume Mr Parsons that you are attempting to describe the dicentra spectabilis.

Parsons: That her! Or lady in the bath as they calls her in some parts.

Dame Hilda:  Dutchman's breeches, lady in the bath, whatever it was spectabilis. Which flower is it we’re all talking about it.

Dr. Hinge: The bleeding heart, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Oh bleeding heart. Well I must say I think lady in the bath is a much nicer name. Well you obviously know your onions, Mr Parsons.

Dr. Hinge: Though you no doubt know them as your allium seèper.

Parsons: Ah, and I also know with me allium escalonicum ma’am. Me shallotts. And you've got them in the wrong place and all. The truth is gardening ain’t no job for an amateur.

Dr. Hinge:  Mr Parsons. I was of course well aware that one needs something like six A levels these days to work in Woolworths. But I was unaware that a degree in horticulture was necessary before one dared venture into one's own back garden.

Dame Hilda: Oh, come along Evadne do cheer up. I mean this will relieve you of all the heavy work, dear. We shall be able to stroll around together with the trug. And you can give your gum boots back to the Seamans mission. When could you start Mr Parsons?

Parsons:  Thursday, I could start Thursday. Four hours on a Thursday and four on a Tuesday. That should do you, how about that. I charge one pound fifty an hour if that's all right.

Dame Hilda: Well, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Please yourself do whatever you want.

Dame Hilda: Well if you're sure. Right, Mr Parsons you're hired.

Parsons: Then I'll just have another quick nose round and I'll see you before I go ma’am.

Dame Hilda: Very well, dear.

Dr. Hinge: I just hope you know what you're doing, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: I know very well what I'm doing, Evadne. You see when one's paying someone to do a job one can make quite sure that they do precisely what one wants. Which is something I've never been able to do with you. Anyway it will give you so much more free time to practice the piano, dear. Who knows you may have managed to master it in your own lifetime. Oh do stop pouting, Evadne. You look like a humpbacked dolphin. Why don’t you play something? What's that song on the top of the piano there?

Dr. Hinge: It's called, There's no one buys flowers for me.

Dame Hilda: Oh. you're determined to be hard done by aren't you? Still I tell you what. You play it and I'll ask old bayleaf to pick you a nice big bunch of your own roses. Once he's moved those bushes when I want them.

Dr. Hinge: Oh very well. You're obviously determined to have everything your own way today.

Men may buy a bouquet

For any girl that they see

When they buy a bouquet

I must deliver it free

But, oh as I trudge through the streets of the town

Those other girls roses are weighing me down

There's no one buys flowers for me

Not for me, don’t you see

There's no one braves showers for me

Just to see, if I’m free

Those soldiers all say that I'm just the right size

And the sailors declare I'm a cute little prize

Not a millionaire ever comes in and makes eyes

There's no one buys flowers for me

There's no one buys flowers for me

Don't you see, not for me.

There's no one braves showers for me

Not for me, I can see.

I want to wear undies in chiffon and silk

I want to be classed with the girls of that ilk

I want to be there and come home with the milk

There's no one buys flowers for me

Dame Hilda: There, that was much more fun than muck spreading, wasn’t it?.

Dr. Hinge: It may have been for you. I’ve always rather enjoyed, muck spreading.

Dame Hilda: I know. That's how you ruined your bedroom slippers. That's old bayleaf at the garden door. Yes, dear?

Parsons: I'm just off, Dame Hilda, but I’ve made a little list of things I'll be needing for Thursday. If you could just make sure they're here for me when I arrive.

Dame Hilda: Certainly, dear. Let me see. Now, what is it you want? bag of peat, a new hoe, Dutch?

Parsons: British!

Dame Hilda: All right, stronger spade, sweet pea sticks, garden twine. Roofing felt?

Parsons: For the shed, Dame Hilda, it's been letting in water.

Dr. Hinge: And why do you think there's an old saucepan standing in the middle of the floor?

Dame Hilda: Be quiet, Evadne. Let's see, now what else is there? forest green paint? Mr. Parsons.

Parsons: The shed again, Dame Hilda. Whoever painted it the last time obviously used up all the odds and ends of any old colours they could find, it's a bit of an eye sore, I’d say.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I do so agree with you, dear, forest green will be lovely. Now is there anything else? Ah, yes, what's this? Curtains?

Dr. Hinge: Are you planning on moving into that shed? Mr. Parsons.

Parsons: With all due respect, ma'am, if you was a gardener, you'd know there's times when one wants no light getting in.

Dame Hilda: And a padlock, Mr. Parsons, why a padlock?

Parsons: Because Dame Hilda, once I’ve got that shed right I’ll not want people poking about in it and getting it all wrong again.

Dame Hilda: Despite Mr. Parsons' somewhat domineering manner, I managed to control him very well, for a while, he dug up all of Evadne’s plants and replanted them in places of my choice. Well, in places of his choice, really. But I completely agreed with him. And the shed, it looked really lovely, especially inside, from what I could see of it peeping through a chink in his curtains. However, the third week he came, he pulled up half my plants. I remonstrated with him, of course, and he smiled and nodded and kept saying, yessum, yessum, yessum, and then went straight out and had the other half up. Well, I began to feel I was losing my grip. So for once, I was really quite glad to see Peter and Mandy Moore when they dropped in one Tuesday morning, and I was able to have a little chat with them about this wilful gardener that we shared.

{Drawing room.}

Dame Hilda: What I’d really like to know, Peter, is how you manage to get him to do what you want him to do.

Peter: Well, um... how do we, D?

Mandy: We don't, P, do we?

Peter: Well, we do.

Mandy: No, we don't. We let him do exactly what he likes and then come to terms with it.

Peter: Yes, I suppose we do, really. Still, that seems to work very well. We've had no aggro whatsoever.

Dame Hilda:  But, Peter, you must say something to him, dear, when he's up at your place, apart from yes and do whatever you like. And then how did you persuade him to build that lovely rockery for you?

Peter: We didn't really have to persuade him, did we, D? We just came home one day and there it was.

Mandy: Ah, yes, but, uh, we had to persuade him to let you move it, didn't we, dear?

Peter: True. Still, he was very reasonable once I'd explained to him that if he didn't let me move it, he wouldn't be able to get his car into my garage any more.

Dame Hilda: And do you have a shed in your garden?

Mandy: Oh, yes we do, don't we, P?

Peter: Oh, yes, D, we certainly do. A forest green one with curtains at the window.

Dr. Hinge: The style does sound familiar.

Dame Hilda: Do you have a key to it?

Peter: Yes, we do.

Mandy: No, we don't.

Peter: Well, we do, but we don't if you see what I mean.

Dr. Hinge: I think what Hilda wants to know, dear, is can you gain admittance to your shed?

Mandy: Well, we could, couldn't we, P.

Peter: Oh, yes we could, D.

Mandy: But then old bayleaf popped round unexpectedly one morning and caught P with his lawnmower out. We've not had a key since then.

Peter: No, fairs, fair, dear. He didn't take the key away from us. I mean, after all, whatever, next. He just changed the padlock.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, well I must say you appear to have got him exactly where he wants you. I really don't know why the lot of you don't simply sack the man.

Dame Hilda: Oh, we couldn't do that, Evadne. He may be a little trying, but he's a wonderful gardener, isn't he, Peter?

Peter: Oh, absolutely, quite wonderful, isn't he, D?

Mandy: Well…

Peter: What do you mean, well?

Mandy: Well, what about my japonica?

Peter: What about it?

Mandy: It died. He killed it.

Peter: Ah, but I'm sure he didn't mean to.

Mandy: Well, then that makes it worse.

Dr. Hinge: He killed our gooseberries.

Dame Hilda: He didn't kill them, Evadne. He moved them, and they died.

Dr. Hinge: And what about the lilac?

Dame Hilda: He didn't kill that either, he just pruned it, and it died.

Peter: Yes, I must admit, pruning’s not his strong point. D’s apple tree is on the way out by the look of it.

Mandy: And what about your poor little cherry?

Peter: Oh, yes. That's had it, too, I'm afraid. Come to think of it, we don't seem to have any lupins this year, D.

Mandy: Or Delphiniums, nothing's coming up in that bed at all.

Dr. Hinge: Mm, proper little green fingers, isn't he. I say, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: Yes.

Dr. Hinge: Did you order a truckload of ready mixed concrete?

Dame Hilda: Of course I didn't, dear, why?

Dr. Hinge:  Ah, nothing, nothing. It's just that old bayleaf has got a load out there, and he seems to be pumping it into your pond.

Dame Hilda: Into my pond?

Mandy: He did that to our pond, didn't he P?

Peter: Yes, he did, dear, he doesn't like ponds. He says they encourage toads.

Mandy: He doesn't like toads.

Dame Hilda: But, Evadne loves toads, don't you, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Quite fond of them, yes.

Dame Hilda: Then I can see that I am finally going to have to make a sacrifice. I know you'd be utterly impossible to live with if you couldn't see the occasional toad. Go out and sack him, dear.

Dr. Hinge: With the greatest of pleasure,

Dame Hilda: Oh, and Evadne.

Dr. Hinge:  Yes.

Dame Hilda: While you're at it, you may as well sack him for the Moores as well.