The Safari Supper.

Dame Hilda: A good deal of the social life of Stackton Tressel still centres on our ancient church of St. Oswald on the Tressel. The vicar, the Reverend Donald Smollett has been with us many, many years now. All the other hand, curates come and go like vol-au-vents at a wedding. The building itself was begun in 1350 and took some 200 years to complete. Indeed, by the time they'd finished the last bit, the first bit was already falling down. Thus, during the consecration service, the Bishop took the unique opportunity of launching a restoration fund. This has been a burden to us ever since. And it was about the restoration fund that Major Dyrenforth called to see Evadne and me one morning recently.

{Drawing room.}

Major: You see, ladies, the trouble is that the last few fundraising events were pretty disastrous. Take for instance the bring and buy. It was an absolute fiasco. Everybody brought, but nobody bought. You know it cost us forty pounds to have that load of rubbish taken away.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, people only give because it's easier than going to the tip.

Dame Hilda: You should have charged them Major. I would have done.

Major: The trouble is, I suppose it's the same old tired ideas year after year.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I understand perfectly what you mean. Even the Bishop's ball didn't go with its customary swing.

Major: I agree, Hilda, I agree. However, help is hopefully at hand. Do you know the Moores?

Dame Hilda: Now refresh my memory, dear,

Dr. Hinge: Really, Hilda. You know as well as I do who the Moores are. Peter and Mandy, they bought those 19th century farm cottages in Mill lane. And restored them as 17th century farm cottages.

Dame Hilda: Oh, those cottages. The ones with the cobbles on the kitchen floor and the spinning wheel hanging in the window.

Major: That's them, Farm cottage, cottage. The front doorbell plays Greensleeves. And she has an anvil instead of a knocker

Dame Hilda: Didn't I tell you there was something peculiar about her figure? I didn't know their name was Moore.

Major: Mind, Lorna doesn't care for them, thinks they're a bit nouveau. But she said you'd probably get along very well with them.

Dame Hilda: Did she indeed?

Major: The point is they're absolutely bristling with new ideas for fundraising. So I suggested they should pop round and see you two, dear ladies. And they said they'd probably do so this morning. That's really why I came, just to tip you the wink as it were. Now if you'll excuse me, I must run. Lorna's sink mops gone missing. And I promised I'd have a look around town.

Dame Hilda: You think it might have popped out to do a bit of shopping, do you?

Major: Don't get up. I can find me own way out. The trouble is it's got to be a red mop, the blue ones are so easily lost. Bye for now.

Dame Hilda: Bye bye, dear,

Dr. Hinge: Goodbye, Major.

Dame Hilda: Now come along, dear, fluff those cushions up, would you? And put the biscuits on the occasional table. We do want the Moores to feel at home. I say, do you think we should strew the floor with rushes? Perhaps we might even wear our smocks?

Dr. Hinge: Perhaps we should just keep our heads while all about us are losing theirs, dear.

Dame Hilda: You're quite right, of course. You are a tower of sense in a very silly world. Well, you're certainly a tower. Oh, I say, Evadne, that must be them coming up the drive now.

Dr. Hinge: Yes, that's them.

Dame Hilda: I say, they're smart, aren't they?

Dr. Hinge: What did you expect, dear, straws in their hair or something. Him in corduroys tied at the knee and her with a milk pail in her hand.

Dame Hilda: Oh, no, but I mean they're smart, smart, aren't they? You’d not think to look at her that her kitchen floor was cobbled, would you?

Dr. Hinge: Well, if you mean she doesn't look as silly goose, dear, no.

Mandy: Cooee, may we come in.

Dame Hilda: Oh, hello, come in here. We're in the lounge.

Peter: Thank you. Hello.

Mandy: Hello.

Dr. Hinge: You must be Peter and Mandy Moore. I'm Dr. Evadne Hinge and this is Dame Hilda Bracket.

Dame Hilda: How lovely to meet you, both at last.

P&D: Oh, thank you.

Dame Hilda: I've heard so much about you and all those clever things you've been getting up to in the lane.

Mandy: Oh, we haven't done much more than decorate, really, have we, dear?

Peter: Yes, we have. You know we have.

Mandy: No, we haven't, dear. Not really.

Peter: We jolly well, have you, know? Well, I have.

Dr. Hinge: Yes. And how long have you been living in Stackton now, Mrs. Moore?

Mandy: Oh, what, huh? Eight months?

Peter: Seven, dear.

Mandy: Eight, surely?

Peter: No, seven.

Dr. Hinge: Perhaps you should toss for it.

Mandy: Well, anyway, seven or eight.

Dame Hilda: Now, I understand that you have some new ideas for church fundraising. Now, what are they? And how can we be of assistance?

Mandy: Well, we have talked it over very thoroughly, and we've agreed, haven't we, dear?

Peter: Well err...

Mandy: That the most original idea might be to hold a safari supper.

Dame Hilda: What's that, dear? Something African?

Peter: Oh, no, no, no. In some areas, it's known as a walkabout supper.

Dr. Hinge: That sounds extremely bad for the digestion.

Peter: I'm sure it's far too complicated an idea, dear.

Mandy: It is not complicated.

Peter: Have it your own way, but if you ask me, it is complicated.

Mandy: I'm not asking you.

Dr. Hinge: Excuse me, but I thought you said you'd agreed.

Mandy: Well, we had, but you can never be sure with Peter. He changes with the wind.

Dame Hilda: I wish Evadne did. Now, what is a safari sapper?

Mandy: Well, I like to describe it as a movable feast.

Dame Hilda: Like Easter.

Peter: Except that the feast doesn't move.

Dame Hilda: Not like Easter.

Mandy: It's the feasters who move.

Peter: From house to house.

Mandy: And course to course.

Peter: And never in the same company twice.

Dr. Hinge: I say, this is hotting up, isn’t it?

Peter: I told you it was complicated.

Mandy: Oh, fiddle!

Dr. Hinge: And what part exactly do you see us playing in this culinary treasure hunt, Mrs. Moore?

Mandy: Well, we thought you might organise it.

Dr. Hinge: I see.

Peter: Well, I'm told you know the people, their whims and foibles, and who might do what best with whom.

Dame Hilda: Well, that’s a coincidence, isn't it?

Dr. Hinge: Oh, Hilda, now shut up. Now, Mr. Moore, Mrs. Moore, perhaps one of you would be good enough to describe the operation very slowly, and in a little more detail.

Mandy: Very well. Now, the idea is that one arranges say a seven course dinner.

Peter: No, one arranges four, seven course dinners, DD! 

Mandy: P. Do please leave this to me, dear.

Peter: But you've got….

Mandy: The point is that one goes to one house, say for Sherry.

Peter: And nibbles.

Mandy: To a second, elsewhere. For starters.

Peter: To a third.

Mandy: For fish. To a fourth.

Peter: For the main course.

Mandy: And so on, through dessert, cheese and biscuits and fruit. And finally, coffee.

Peter: And liqueurs.

Mandy: Peter, do shut up!

Dr. Hinge: Well, I can see how we could easily work up an appetite. But Hilda I’m bound to say you'd have to buy yourself some sensible shoes, or you'd never get past the nibbles.

Dame Hilda: Perhaps I could hire a sedan chair, dear?

Mandy: Well, one can drive, of course.

Peter: If one prefers.

Mandy: But much of the pleasure comes from strolling on a summer's evening, well fed.

Peter: Well, wined.

Mandy: And in good company.

Peter: From one house of hospitality.

Mandy: To another.

Dr. Hinge: Bravo, a dead heat.

Dame Hilda: And how does this raise money, might one ask? Or does one steal a bit of silver from each of these houses that one visits? And then you have the problem of finding a fence of course.

Dr. Hinge: Well how about selling tickets, Hilda.

Dame Hilda: Why me?

Dr. Hinge: No, no, I didn't mean that. I mean, how about selling tickets as a means of making the money?

Mandy: Precisely, Doctor. One begs, borrows or steals, the food and drink.

Peter: And one charges, say, five pounds a head. For the evening.

Mandy: So if one has 50 people.

Peter: One can come out with a clear profit of 250 pounds.

Mandy: For one nights work.

Peter: Precisely.

Dame Hilda: And knowing most of the houses around here, that's better than stealing their silver.

Peter: Well, go on, DD. Explain how it all works. If you can.

Mandy: It's perfectly simple, P. You see, you start with, say, 50 people. And to ensure that no one host has too many guests, you split them into four groups.

Dr. Hinge: I see, twelve and a half per group.

Dame Hilda: Oh, Evadne, don't make things more difficult than they already are, dear.

Mandy: Well, then, let's say we have 40 people.

Dr. Hinge: Well, surely you've just lost yourself 50 pounds.

Peter: Very well, then 60 people.

Dr. Hinge: Well, that's an improvement. Now, you've made yourself an extra 50.

Dame Hilda: I Say, we are doing well, aren’t we We'll soon have enough to build a new church at this rate.

Dr. Hinge: Or have the old one demolished and forget the whole thing.

Dame Hilda: Well, it means we need altogether 28 participating host houses.

Mandy: So, take this house for a start.

Dame Hilda: Yes.

Mandy: Now, you have 15 people here.

Dame Hilda: Plus Evadne and me.

Peter: No.

Mandy: P, leave this to me. You have 15 including yourself and the Doctor.

Dame Hilda: I see.

Mandy: 13 arrive and you two you make 15. Now, here, you serve them with their starters.

Dame Hilda: Oh, I don't think I want to do starters.

Dr. Hinge: Hilda, what course we serve can be sorted out later. If we ever get that far.

Mandy: Now, when they've had whatever it is they've had here, your guests leave. And you leave with them.

Dame Hilda: Well, where do we all move to?

Mandy: Well, you don't all move anywhere.

Peter: Not together.

Mandy: No.

Peter: You see, to make sure that you don't spend the entire evening with the same little group of people, each group splits up again.

Mandy: Before moving on to their next course.

Peter: For instance, after every course, each group of 15 is divided err…

Mandy: Into 4.

Dr. Hinge: 3 and a half to a group.

Dame Hilda: Evadne, I am beginning to wish you had never discovered vulgar fractions

Mandy: Look, can we just say four to a group?

Peter: No, no, D, no. Four fours are 16.

Mandy: Oh, listen to old Einstein there.

Peter: Well, if you have 16 in a group, that means you'll have 64 altogether and not 60.

Mandy: We don't have 16, dear. We have 15.

Peter: But can't you see it….

Mandy: But to keep it simple. We will say we have 16.

Dame Hilda: But doesn't that mean that everybody will be preparing one meal that nobody's going to eat?

Dr. Hinge: And if everyone does that, we'll have 16 spare meals. And that represents 80 pounds.

Peter: Yes. No, that can't be right. D?

Mandy: Well, um, whatever was it we used to do when we did this in Surrey?

Dame Hilda: Well, get into a similar sort of muddle I imagine.

{Later.}

Dr. Hinge: Well, thank heavens, that's over. Do you know they were here four and a half hours?

Dame Hilda: Oh, don't start mentioning fractions all over again. It makes my stomach turn over.

Dr. Hinge: Well, if only she'd made the point that the groups could be of different sizes, it would have been all right? I don't know, what with her trying to simplify it, and then him poking his nose in, they made it all so complicated.

Dame Hilda: Well, it's just as well that we are going to organise this thing. They can't even agree. what their names are P&D, ha, ha, piddle and diddle!, I’d say! Oh, that sounds like Maud.

Dr. Hinge: Now, not a word to her about the Safari Supper, Hilda. I mean, she would get lost picnicking on her own lawn.

Dame Hilda: Shh, Evadne, she’ll hear you, dear.

Maud: Good morning, Dame ‘ilda. Doctor!

Dame Hilda: Hello, Maud, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Good morning, Maud.

Dame Hilda: What's that great big pole you've got in your hand for?

Maud: I've brought this for you, Dame ‘ilda.

Dame Hilda: Well, it's a very kind thought, dear, but I haven't got a punt.

Maud: I thought you might like it as a souvenir.

Dame Hilda: A souvenir of what, Maud?

Maud: Well, you know the little old wooden ‘all, where the old time dancing has been ‘eld all these years.

Dame Hilda: Yes, dear.

Maud: Well, this pole is all that's left of it now.

Dame Hilda: Oh, they haven't pulled it down, have they?

Maud: They didn't ‘ave to. Old Mr. Wilkins seed to that.

Dr. Hinge: Old Mr Wilkins. He's the caretaker. I mean, he's paid to look after the place.

Maud: Them's the very words I says to ‘im last thing as they were leaving. You was paid to look after that place, says I. And do you know, them ambulance men as were carrying ‘is stretcher. They got quite shirty. ‘e ain't fit to be shouted at. They shouted at me! ‘e ain't fit to look after that ‘all neither, shouted I. Well, I don't mind telling you, Dame ‘ilda, I could have cried. Standing there in the ‘ot ashes, in me sequins and silver shoes. And everyone shouting abuse.

Dame Hilda: When was all this, dear?

Maud: Last night we were celebrating 25 years of old time dancing. And about ‘alf past ten they dims the lights. And old Mr, Wilkins comes out the kitchen with ‘is cake in ‘is ‘ands. And 25 big candles all blazing on the top. Well, now, I ‘appened to be doing the lancers at the time.

Dr. Hinge: And you were using the curtain rod as a lance were you, Maud?

Maud: No, I were not, Doctor. The curtains were still ‘anging on it. And there weren't nothing burning. Well, I were doing that bit where you grab somebody and you swing ‘em round and round and round, faster and faster and faster.

Dame Hilda: Are you sure that's in the lancers, Maud?

Maud:  Well, I ain't quite sure what it's in, Dame ‘ilda. But I always does it because I enjoys it. And that's the reason I go.

Dame Hilda: And very right and proper, dear.

Dr. Hinge: Nice to know someone enjoys themselves with these dos.

Maud: Anyhow, old Mr. Wilkins comes out the door at one end of the ‘all, clutching ‘is cake. Just as I finishes me swinging at the other and launches into me grand chain right down the middle. Now, you know ‘ow I can move when I'm in a dancing mood, Dame ‘ilda?

Dame Hilda: I do indeed. Yes, I do. That's how they lost that big mirror that used to stand at one end of the hall, isn't it?

Maud:  Oh, that were years ago. It was funny about that mirror, because you know, I never seen meself coming.

Dr. Hinge: That's one of your greatest failings, Maud. You never do.

Dame Hilda: Well, she gets carried away, doesn't she, Evadne?

Dr. Hinge: Yes, dear. Never quite far enough.

Maud:  Now, wouldn't you think old Wilkins woulda moved ‘is self? Daft idiot, just stood there, with ‘is candles blazing, staring like ‘e'd never seen the lancers afore.

Dr. Hinge: He’d probably never seen it done that way before.

Maud: Anyhow, next thing I know is ‘e's down, and I'm lying on top of ‘im on the floor.

Dame Hilda: It does sound like a good evening.

Maud: And somebody's shouting fire!

Dr. Hinge: And were you both lying on top of the cake, Maud?

Maud: No, we were not, Doctor. The cake ‘ad sailed up into the rafters. That's ‘ow the paper chains caught light. I pulled down the curtain and grabbed the rod, and I prodded the cake to dislodge it. That's when the balloons went up, and before you could say fire brigade, the whole place was ablaze.

Dame Hilda: And old Mr. Wilkins got hurt fighting the fire, did he, Maud?

Maud: No, ‘e never got up once I’d landed on ‘im. They said ‘e were concussed. But I reckons ‘e was just lying low. ‘e knowed well enough it were all ‘is fault.

Dr. Hinge: It's a great shame, Hilda. Because I was just thinking that the Sid Sassen Memorial Hall, where they hold the dancing, might be one of the venues for the Safari Supper. I mean, we could have had everyone there for coffee at the end.

Dame Hilda: Well, I suppose we still could, dear. As long as it's a fine night and the ashes have been damped down. Even as a burnt-out shell, it has one great advantage as far as I'm concerned.

Dr. Hinge: What's that, Hilda?

Dame Hilda: It's not far to walk.

{Later.}

Dame Hilda: And so it was that Evadne and I came to mastermind the first Safari Supper ever to be held in Stackton Tressel. It was, incidentally, also the last. We decided to make the old manse one of the venues for dessert. Evadne wanted to serve raspberry flummery and quince mold, which sounded rotten. But I managed to talk her out of it, and instead we coddled pears in rum sauce. As the manse was the centre of operations, we thought it wiser to remain at home all evening ready to answer telephonic queries and, in due course, to receive our allotted guests. The first to arrive being Mr and Mrs. Moore.

Mandy: Well, I must say, Dame Hilda, that rum sauce was delicious.

Dame Hilda: I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

Peter: The food's been quite excellent everywhere, hasn't it, dear

Mandy: Oh, quite excellent. Well, the only thing is, we haven't seen another guest all evening, have we?

Peter: No. Wherever we've been, we've been on our own.

Mandy: Which is rather disappointing. After all, we had hoped that this evening would afford an opportunity of meeting a lot of the villagers.

Dr. Hinge: Hmm. Believe me, when you've been here a few more months, you'll long for an evening when you don't meet any of them.

Dame Hilda: Still, that is strange, isn't it, Evadne? Now, let me see. Where did you have your starters?

Mandy: At Rose cottage.

Dame Hilda: Ah, yes, that's right. The vicar was there?

Mandy: No.

Dame Hilda: Ah. Was Major Dyrenforth there?

Mandy: No.

Dame Hilda: What about Mrs. Tweedsmuir?

P&D: No!

Dame Hilda: Well, were any of the people on that list there?

Peter: Yes, those two, the Pudgett-Browns.

Dr. Hinge: They were your hosts.

Peter: Oh, true.

Dame Hilda: Well, I wonder where all the rest were. You didn't pass any of them on the road or anything, or sitting beside it, looking lost.

Mandy: Oh, we saw your daily. What's her name? Maud.

Dame Hilda: Really, where?

Peter: She was sitting in the cemetery eating fish and chips!

Dame Hilda: I say, Evadne, I didn't know any of our hostesses were doing fish and chips.

Mandy: No, they weren't. She got them from Bert's mobile chippery, it had broken down on the corner.

Dr. Hinge: Trust Maud to fall in her feet.

Mandy: Apart from her, we’ve hardly seen a soul all evening, have we, P?

Peter: Hardly a soul, D, hardly a soul.

Dr. Hinge: Talking about sole? Where did you have your fish course?

Peter: At the old lodge.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes, that's right. Now, let's see. Was Major Dyrenforth there?

Peter: No.

Dame Hilda: He must be getting a bit peckish by now.

Dr. Hinge: Were the Winterton's there?

Peter: No.

Dr. Hinge: Any of that lot?

Mandy: Just those two, the Morleys.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, yes. The hosts again. This is beginning to feel rather like the Mary Celeste, you know.

Peter: Well, it's working absolutely beautifully as far as we're concerned, isn't it?

Mandy: Yes.

Peter: So, on, on. Perhaps we'll meet up with someone over the cheese and biscuits, eh? Come on, D.

Mandy: No, no, no, no. We split again for cheese, P.

Peter: Ah, ah, yes.

Mandy: You're at schoolhouse and I'm at home farm.

Peter: Right, jolly good. Let's be off then. See you later, ladies.

Mandy: Bye. 

Ladies: Bye.

{Phone Rings.}

Dame Hilda: I'll get it, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge:  Right, dear.

Dame Hilda: Hello, Yes...what, dear? where? Oh, well, hold on a minute…. It's Mrs. Tweedsmuir, Evadne, She's in a phone box at Bradfield St. George looking for her pudding.

Dr. Hinge: Well, she wont find it in a phone box, will she?

Dame Hilda: She says she's searched the place and can't find Willow House.

Dr. Hinge: Well, no, she wouldn't. Not in Bradfield St. George. It's in Bradfield St. Clair. She's over shot it by about two and a half miles.

Dame Hilda: I'll tell her to go back.

Dr. Hinge: It's no good now, dear, far too late. I mean, that dessert party will be marching towards their cheese and biscuits by now.

Dame Hilda: Oh good heavens. Hello, Mrs. Tweedsmuir are you still there? I'm sorry, dear, but it rather looks as if you've missed your pudding…. Well, can't you walk back? Yes, I know it's slow going with your stick…. Well, look, dear, if it's going to take you that long, you're going to miss your cheese as well. Well, if you have to walk, you'd best make straight for the vicarage and hope you'll be in time for coffee. And failing that, you may as well go straight home.

Major: Well, good evening, ladies. Major Dyrenforth reporting for dessert.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, hello, Major. Now, where's my list? I'll just cross you off. Oh.  I don't want to be rude, Major, but you're not supposed to be here.

Major: Where am I supposed to be, then?

Dr. Hinge: Well, at Willow house, Bradfield St Clair.

Major: No, I went there. They said I should be here.

Dr. Hinge: Well, they were wrong, dear. I mean, didn't you show them your list?

Major: Yes, I did. They said my list was wrong.

Dr. Hinge:  Well, didn't they have their list?

Major: Yes, but it was nothing like my list. Or your list.

Dr. Hinge: Oh, God, how does it happen?

{Phone rings.}

Dame Hilda: I'll get it.  Hello?  Who? Oh, yes, dear. Yes, what? How many? Well, of course you shouldn't, dear. Just 15 like everybody else…. Well, they must be bringing strangers…. No, no, no, dear. No, I don't care who they want to eat with. They can't just do as they like. Evadne!

Dr. Hinge: Hmm?

Dame Hilda: Naomi Mitchell's got 47 packed into that little bungalow of hers.

Dr. Hinge: So that's where they've all got to. Have you got your car with you, Major?

Major: Yes, I have, Evadne.

Dr. Hinge: Then I'll tell you what we'll do. Hilda, we'll pack up three portions of coddled pears, grab a chair apiece, and drive round Naomi Mitchell's bungalow. That's obviously where it's all happening. And I'm starving!

Dame Hilda: Come on in, Evadne, Major. Grab yourselves a spoon and start ladling. Hello, Naomi. Keep the prunes warm, dear. We're all coming round to you.

Transcribed by Lorraine Taylor